I want to go to work and never come back

[Sickit]

I feel like I've made a huge mistake with my life. I have a nice house, lovely husband and 2 beautiful children but I hate the drudgery and tedium of it all. I'm awake at 5.30am by one of the kids, get them ready, get them to nursery/ school, go to work (which feels like a break), do the pick up, make them dinner, read with them, get them to bed, tidy up make DH and I dinner, do housework. I'm on the go 5.30am-9pm. I hate hate hate it. My house is always a mess, the laundry basket is like the never ending fucking porridge pot. I could cry. I feel like having kids was a huge mistake - I get no pleasure from them, just stress and extra housework.

I went on holiday about a month ago, with a friend no kids. Didn't miss DH or the kids at all. Thought I'd get home refreshed and feeling better but it just made me realise how much I hate it all. With-in hours I had that tight hot ball of stress and resentment in my stomach, it's just constantly there.

I just want to go to work and never come back. I feel like I've just made such a huge, irreversible decision that's so completely wrong for me.

To preempt a few questions:

• why did you have kids? Because I didn't know I'd feel this way. I thought I'd love being a mum. I intended to go back part time or not at all, thought I'd adore it. Was told it's sooo rewarding (feel I've been lied to, I get no reward or joy).

• why did you have a 2nd? Contraception failure and DH begged me not to have the planned abortion

• does your DH pull his weight? Yes (see above re me going on holiday) but he work longer hours (contracted), has longer commute which is by train so less flexibility, we only have 1 car and school is over 4 miles away so there's significant practical considerations. He's fairly good with housework but on a very different schedule to me and I find it stressful- I like stuff done before I can relax, he likes to have a rest and relax before getting on with stuff.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel this way, this isn't the mum my kids deserve but I just hate it all so much.

Until mine were about 11 I had a secret, guilty hobby/obsession looking at studio and one bed city centre flats and kitting them out for just me. No kids and no DH. I found it a bit shocking that I didn't even want DH as part of that fantasy, but it really was, as someone else had said, about wanting a life where I wasn't facilitating everyone else and getting no time for me. I loved getting away without any of them.

It has got better. I still wouldn't have kids again if I had my time over, but it doesn't feel like a trap in quite the same way it did. (Still like my getaways without them, though).

Don’t drop your hours at work! It sounds as though the job is the bit of your life that’s working well, and part-time work is nearly always a mug’s game.

Can your DH make changes so he can take on more of the chil-related drudgery. Bluntly, if he talked you out of an abortion that you would otherwise have had, he needs to step up.

I do wonder if you might be better off leaving and having the children EOW. They’ll know you resent them as they get older. If you think you could genuinely enjoy being with them in smaller doses, that might be the least damaging outcome.

Why can’t your husband drop his hours so he is home at least 2-3 nights a week to deal with all of the housework and the demands of the kids. It sounds like it’s the relentless aspect of it that is getting you down. Even just a small reprieve can transform everything. I would not get fixated on whether you resent your kids etc because really probably all you need to get through this period is just a little bit more distance.
Before you think/say no he can’t, ask yourself whether that is really the case. Too many woman tell themselves that their husbands can seek flexibility/drop hours and I am sorry it is generally bullshit. I am not saying you are but your lodestar should be ‘don’t be a martyr’.

Ask yourself what is the smallest change that could make a difference, try it, and if it doesn’t work, try something bigger.

I would throw every possible penny at getting support within the house. It would really be a worthwhile investment as it would safeguard your marriage and your family. Quite honestly I would even remortgage to make that happen.

If you came home from work and it was clean and tidy and the beds were made etc you would feel far happier and in control.

Rather: can’t seek flexibility/drop hours

OP, I dont have kids but my close friend has lived through your experience. All the suggestions om here whilst really kind and practical dont actually answer your problem which is that you regret your children and the loss of your own life. My friend has been happier since her divorce and 50/50 custody as she has guaranteed alone time. If you dont want to divorce, I agree with PP who said to split your weekends up. Go away if funds allow, even a cheap hotel room or whatever. Yes family time will take a hit but you're not enjoying it anyway. Would it help to know you've got alternate weekends entirely for yourself?

To me it sounds like you need a big change. Me and DH worked long hours with a big commute but we move to a small town, changed jobs, work from home and walk the kids 5 mins to school. Yes it was a massive upheaval but your kids are the perfect age for a big move. Your location is just sucking your time away, all that travelling and commuting time could be so better spent elsewhere. I’m not saying the move was easy for us, it took me 4 years to find my current great job but I’m so glad we made the change. It’s possible to have great careers whilst working flexibly too.

@LizzieSiddal

it's just I finish at 4.30 and am usually out the office by 5.15, he finishes at 5.30 and needs to out the office by 6.10 to catch the early train.

Why are you both staying in the office after you’ve finished work?

Because that's our jobs. We're both in careers where stuff needs to be done, I need to write notes up, they can't just wait until I'm next in, I'd lose my job (I've been involved in disciplinaries where this has been an issue), if I get a call at 4.15 I can't not take it incase it takes me past 4.30. We're both senior in our roles. DH is head of an IT department, if his company website/ server/ payment system fails he has to fix it.

You could just leave? I know it’s not a popular opinion and the MN flames of hell will come for me, but men do it all the time so why can’t you? If you are happier being away from that life you have now then the only way to change it is to make another life for yourself. It’s always an option if you absolutely can not stand it.

Tbh I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. I'd start by either getting the cleaner to up their hours so they are doing laundry and changing bedding, or using a laundry service. Then I'd block off some time every weekend that just for you. Me and the OH have half a day each out of the house on our own, to do whatever we like (we both go separately to the gym, but it could be any activity or just sitting in a cafe). I've found ad-hoc time off doesn't work for me, it has to be regular, every week, and protected unless in rare circumstances, so I can count on that time. An after-school nanny might work for you, I've seen Koru Kids advertise such a service. I know lots of people who have set ups like your own, and if they have the money, outsourcing domestic duties is the solution (sorry if that's not possible, then it really does just suck). You don't need to outsource anymore of the childcare if you don't want to, but you can outsource pretty much everything else.

Try a second car. Waiting for a train is too inflexible and impinging on your resources (time) as a family every day.
Your children are at lovely ages but I can see why you don't enjoy the life style.

@Dhcfisssifjrsnxfjds

Why can’t your husband drop his hours so he is home at least 2-3 nights a week to deal with all of the housework and the demands of the kids. It sounds like it’s the relentless aspect of it that is getting you down. Even just a small reprieve can transform everything. I would not get fixated on whether you resent your kids etc because really probably all you need to get through this period is just a little bit more distance. Before you think/say no he can’t, ask yourself whether that is really the case. Too many woman tell themselves that their husbands can seek flexibility/drop hours and I am sorry it is generally bullshit. I am not saying you are but your lodestar should be ‘don’t be a martyr’. Ask yourself what is the smallest change that could make a difference, try it, and if it doesn’t work, try something bigger.

He's asked but his company need him full time. It's not a role that can be shared.

A few thoughts I had on your situation op:

• can DH or you work from home one day a week or more?? This made a huge difference to our lives when my DH started wfh during Covid. He works from our dining table and I go to work stlll. The difference is in the mornings and the evenings! It gives us so much more time at a slower pace, means my Dh can walk the dogs in the morning.. you would win back 90 minutes a day at peak stress time! Not to mention saving commute costs. Revelation for us.
• could you get a childminder/babysitter one eve a week. Could they do pick up and dinner and you collect late evening before bed? Get some time back for yourself.
• I agree if you cut your hours a bit you would be able to spend some time on yourself. I don’t think you should do it to look after the kids more or do housework but for yourself! For you to spend totally selfishly, every single week.

Xxxx

@HotSauceCommittee

Try a second car. Waiting for a train is too inflexible and impinging on your resources (time) as a family every day. Your children are at lovely ages but I can see why you don't enjoy the life style.

It'd make DHs commute longer and we'd have to pay a fortune for parking.

It's not worth it, OP. Speak to your employer and make a record of it, telling them you need to leave on time because of family commitments. Your DH needs to do the same for your children.

Also why the hell can he not do most of the chores when he gets home at 7.30. It really isn’t late and he is only working 40 hours a week (not 80) and leaves work at 5.30, it is hardly demanding. He has hours every night he spends doing what? Sorry but he needs to get off the couch and start to use the hours he has every night. If he was actually working long hours it might be different but even if he got home at 10pm he could still do a few things.
You need to have a discussion now and tell him to make himself useful.

Also totally relate. I went on a spa day recently (I know MN users love those) and I felt genuinely so relaxed. Just peaceful. No one to please but myself.
I left with clean hair. I even straightened it. I felt refreshed. I ate my meals in peace. No one “shitting words in my ear” (another phrase I found on here). I mean, it was bliss.
Honest to God, I was woken at 6 the next morning by my child and within 10minutes I felt like crying. It was like I never left.

I also want to say that all the people who keep telling me to “enjoy them while they’re little” and “it goes so fast” can fuck right off.

Because that's our jobs. We're both in careers where stuff needs to be done, I need to write notes up, they can't just wait until I'm next in, I'd lose my job (I've been involved in disciplinaries where this has been an issue), if I get a call at 4.15 I can't not take it incase it takes me past 4.30. We're both senior in our roles. DH is head of an IT department, if his company website/ server/ payment system fails he has to fix it.

Well this is putting too much pressure on you. And I expect your H is aware you’re not happy. As I said upthread you BOTH need to sit down and talk about your lives/work/home/family and come to some plan as to how to change your lives so you are happy. You can change your lives, you do have choices and something needs to happen.

I'm surprised you have to physically go in. Don't you have wfh? If you're senior can you request it?

Sorry if you've thought if all these things, just brainstorming!

Your work hours are not the problem - leaving on time is going to make almost no difference. It is how you are using your collective resources.

Op, the only way I survived working full time and raising a child on my own was to be very strict about DS routine and a lot of lateral thinking:

1. children have to be in bed at 7, no ifs no buts. Bath to calm them down after dinner and straight to bed. There may be tantrums, they may cry, you may cry as well but persevere. Eventually they will manage.

2. Do not even attempt to clean and tidy the house at the end of the day when you are already totally burnt out. If you are tired, go to bed. Your sleep is even more important than that of your kids, simply put, you cannot cope if you are sleep deprived. You need to rest to recover from the stresses of the day

3. Here’s the interesting part, your kids may sleep longer if they are not over tired or over estimulated before bedtime. You, on the other hand, will end up waking refreshed at 4:30 or 5 am. This is your me time. I used that time to do Pilates, read and get myself ready for the day, at 6:30 I was tiding up the house and by the time DS woke up at 7, it was a breeze to get him ready as I didn’t have to be chasing him around while doing other things in a rush.

I also did FlyLadyPlus missions, built a chore calendar and started cooking twice as much as needed in order to start building a reserve of frozen food I could defrost when I was tired rather than cook everyday.

Things will get much easier when kids get older, one day you might find yourself missing the non stop chattering demanding for your attention. In the meantime, stealing a couple of hours for yourself at the start of the day can be a life changer when they are young.

And remember, don’t judge yourself, the mantra is “good enough is good enough”

OP how did your DH cope when you were away, did he take annual leave?

Hi OP - your remarks about the never ending fucking porridge pot of laundry did make me chuckle but I absolutely sympathise with you - it's really hard when they're that age.

A few things I put in place to claw back some extra time for myself

robot hoover
robot mop
robot lawnmower
amazon prime for next day delivery of anything i'd run out of
deliveroo for any food shopping i'd run out of
subscriptions for toilet roll/washing power etc etc - order once and never again

doing all the above easily saved me 5 hours a week - it doesn't sound like much but it's 5 hours not doing boring mundane chores.

i follow "A Slob Comes Clean" - She's american but takes a very different approach to the UK ones - more pyschological than practical. She also advocates doing all your laundry in one day which is great and you don't get that porridge pot feeling lol.

As to what you should do - Don't go part time! I can't believe people are suggesting that when you've said how much you enjoy your work. But maybe see if there's any way you and DH can make your work lives fit better. Can DH go part time? Would moving to a different area make things easier logistically? Would a 2nd car make it easier for DH to do more of the running around? Can you swap off weekends a bit to give you both more time when you aren't responsible - so once a week/fortnight/month you get a weekend day where DH does everything with the kids and you can do as you please and equally once you solo parent and DH gets a day? Sometimes it isn't that you need to ease up too much, you just need to know you have some time to decompress completely. When mine were about 4 we signed them up for the closest possible weekend class that took their age group. It was drama, but that wasn't important. I rolled out of bed Saturday morning and dropped them off a 5 min walk away. Then I came home, made coffee and DH and I sat in bed reading the papers for an hour and half. It was bliss and made the rest of the weekend much easier.

Also, any chance your or his parents would have them for a semi regular sleepover?

It does get generally get easier as they get older, though.

Why are you getting up at 5.30, OP? If it because of a child, your DH needs to take his turn.