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Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
ojojojoja · 04/10/2021 22:54

I think I would give her a call and just talk it through, she might have something to tell you about the situation that's concerning her or something that she's unable to convey by text. A phonecall is easiest in the first instance and you can chat without the kids knowing, explain your position then see how she feels about you speaking to your DS etc.

PersonaNonGarter · 04/10/2021 22:57

‘Hi [X] - it would be lovely to do coffee! I am slammed for the next few weeks , but if there’s something on your mind, shall I give you a call? I could ring today at [x time]?’

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 23:00

The text was sent at 10:35, just as I was getting into bed. I can leave the reply until tomorrow, can't I?

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TopCatsTopHat · 04/10/2021 23:04

Yes reply tomorrow, but it's worth seeing what she wants to say. I think there are some conversations that can/need to be had in confidence. I wouldn't stand by refusing to keep it a discreet visit until you know what the score is.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 23:10

I'm dying to ask DS if he knows what it's about!

OP posts:
Whstdoyouthink · 04/10/2021 23:11

Hmmm if nothing to tell you in confidence then a little strange. Yes give her a call

Nannyamc · 04/10/2021 23:12

Had a bit of this when ds and girlfriend were 18 shortly after meeting. Mum tried to tell me she was not a nice girl and started to tell me a few home truths about her daughter. Told her to leave as the girl i knew was nowhere near what she was saying. 20 yrs later they are very happy together married with 2 children and i really get on with her. At the weekend there was a party for dgs and she started on it all again. Did not respond. She is a wonderful wife and mother and my son is very happy.I could never tell them this.

Tailendofsummer · 04/10/2021 23:14

Well for goodness sake, don't.
She could be pregnant? She may have overheard them planning a baby and want to tell you she thinks it's a bad idea?
She thinks one of them is abusive, or cheating on the other? She knows he's bought a ring and wants to plan a party?
Just see her and find out. If sent after ten it could just be a drunken, let's be friends thing!

MooPointCowsOpinion · 04/10/2021 23:14

My mind instantly went to pregnancy! Not sure why. Hope it’s something nice and not scary though.

Kite22 · 04/10/2021 23:19

All sounds a bit odd.
I think I would phone in the morning and ask if there was anything wrong.
If not, I'd want to know why the secrecy.

ittakes2 · 04/10/2021 23:19

You've only said nice things about her. She must have her reasons. I think you should go hear her out.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 23:22

She says thanks for DS supporting her with some issues which he did talk to me about and not to say anything because they want to be independent.

OP posts:
Sweettea1 · 04/10/2021 23:29

Maybe her dd doesn't want her meeting you just yet so that's why she has asked you not to say anything.

Paddingtonthebear · 04/10/2021 23:34

My first thought was and is pregnancy. I’d give her a call tomorrow.

YourFinestPantaloons · 04/10/2021 23:35

I'm thinking pregnancy too

Hope it goes well OP!

AdoptedBumpkin · 04/10/2021 23:45

I also thought pregnancy. I hope it's welcome news, whatever it is (assuming there is news at all).

Sn0tnose · 04/10/2021 23:49

If, as a twenty year old, my mum had been out for coffee with my boyfriend’s mum and was keeping it a secret from me at her behest, I’d have the raving hump. Could you say that you’d love to meet up with her, but you don’t feel comfortable keeping it a secret from your DS?

I don’t really understand why she wants to meet you really. They’ve only been together for six months, it’s not like they’re still young teens or they’ve just got engaged. Although I do accept I could be being unreasonable about that, as my mum has never met DH’s parents, nor the parents of any previous long term partners.

Coyoacan · 04/10/2021 23:53

I'm glad it was nothing bad and so glad you did not agree to keep her secrets.

My friend's adult daughter got in touch with me last year asking me questions and requesting that I not tell her mother. Foolishly I agreed and next thing my friend was quite rightly furious with me for answering her daughter's questions and not telling her anything about it.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 04/10/2021 23:59

I wouldn't be keeping something like that from my adult ds.

Its his relationship, he's a grown man, he has every right to know that someone wants to discuss his relationship behind his back.

Your his mum, it was unfair if her to ask you to keep it quiet.

I would maybe text back asking her if it's about Christmas presents or similar that you would keep a secret about, if she says no I would tell her that you wouldn't be comfortable keeping something like that from your son.

immersivereader · 05/10/2021 00:39

My ex boyfriend's dad actually went to see my dad at his workplace too Hmm when we split up. We were around the same age as your DS.

I found it all horribly intrusive.

Sn0tnose · 05/10/2021 00:43

@immersivereader What was he thinking? Did your dad tell him to clear off?

Dobbyafreeelf · 05/10/2021 01:57

It could be something totally innocent.
My mum had something similar happen with my DB's then girlfriend's parents. Think she had briefly met them once though.
They needed DB's passport info as they were surprising them with a cruise for Xmas/21st birthday celebration.

ChristmasPlanning · 05/10/2021 03:55

Very strange. Agree with calling her

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 05/10/2021 04:52

Her DD may have some recent MH problems (lots have after Covid lockdowns), she may have an eating disorder or taken an overdose at some point and be fairly well now... and DDs mother may want to give you just enough information that you can keep an eye out & be sensitive- in order to support her DD and your DS

That's a good reason to meet up in confidence so not to distress either DD or DS of feel intrusive - but to be aware.

rrhuth · 05/10/2021 06:07

I would meet but tell her you're not promising to keep it from your ds, because you can't make that promise to her.