DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

[AndOtherStories]

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

@myfeethurt that’s what I took from it too.

She may know someone who dealt very badly with the death of their spouse or she may be trying to put herself in OP position and thinking how she’d feel if her child was a away a lot when her partner had died.

Why try to make it a secret then?

@Nondescriptname

Why try to make it a secret then?

Exactly. This is the only odd feature of the entire situation and is probably why everyone is hypothesising so much.

OP, I think you’re great. You’ve got your head screwed on well and you’ve had the patience of a saint in this thread. (And I’m sorry for the tough times you’ve had).

Exactly. This is the only odd feature of the entire situation and is probably why everyone is hypothesising so much.

This. Why did OP talk to the girlfriends mum before telling her son? She apparently told him at the earliest opportunity afterwards. That wasn’t too long after the conversation took place, so why didn’t OP just wait the few hours to talk to her son first. It’s intrusive and interfering, exactly what OP apparently doesn’t want to be.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I like your approach, well thought through!

I'd just be supportive of your son and let him make his own decisions. If the girls mum wants him around less then fine she should tell him. Let him know they're welcome at your (and his) home.

If she really has ambition's to travel for a prolonged period then it may be an issue but why not let them enjoy their relationship while it lasts.

I wonder if she contacted you because you lost your DH just before DS and GF got together and she feels you are increasingly losing your DS to her family.

You sound very rational and generous OP but GF's mum may be clumsily trying to redress the balance. She probably does love having your DS round but feels guilty. Many people dealing with your loss would struggle with not seeing much of DS when he is still living at home. You don't want to put pressure on your son, even though you are widowed, but if I was GF's mum I would be concerned that my daughter and family were stealing your DS from you.

It's a difficult thing to address but I suspect GF's mum is trying to be kind. She can't ask overtly if you are missing your DS but the strange conversation was her attempt. Perhaps you could think about what you would like and say so - not to add pressure but for a bit of clarity. For example, would you like to see DS on Christmas Day? Could DS and GF perhaps spend Christmas at one house and have Boxing Day meal at the other?

However you proceed though I have to say you sound absolutely lovely and it seems to me GF's mum is just trying to get things right.

I think you're right to be cautious about how this has been handled, but you've maintained your integrity. Young love is a minefield.

The only thing I can suggest is that you encourage them both to do things with other people, as well as each other. Co-dependency is one of the biggest issues that come up in counselling, and if you/they are aware of the potential pitfalls, perhaps they'll pick up on any warning signs earlier. That could either make or break the relationship. Either way, it's their responsibility. There are plenty of books about it if you can persuade one or both of them to read.

It sounds to me as if you are already navigating said minefield like a pro.

@EarringsandLipstick

OP isn't expressing much more than ambivalence about the seriousness of the relationship.
She has noted both the intensity and how quickly the intensity has developed.

Maybe she hasn't had the experience I have had of a relationship that started off like this and ended very badly. Maybe she hasn't spent much time reading horror stories on the Relationships board. If she is ambivalent, she shouldn't be.

Quickly-developing seriousness/intensity in a relationship is widely recognised as a red flag. Being swept off your feet is not a good thing. An intense relationship has an effect on the brain similar to cocaine. Everything else pales by comparison.

She's spoken to the couple. The girl's mum gas said to her own DD that she's ok with the relationship. Why does OP need to do more?
She is trying not to alienate her DD and push her further into the arms of DS. She wants to avoid burning bridges with her DD. So she has said to the daughter that she's happy that DD is happy, or some such positive rhubarb. She is smart enough to realise that coming straight out and criticising the relationship would backfire completely.

If I were the OP and it was my son who was in a girlfriend's home more than in his own at this critical stage (for both) I would be pouring cold water over the relationship too. There is a lot at stake for the girl here. The DS is not in a position to offer this girl anything but a huge distraction from her course.

I've seen too many girls at this age saddled with a baby, their chances of carving out a career for themselves ruined. I've seen girls throw away a university offer in favour of setting up home in a bedsit with a fella who had virtually nothing to offer for the long term. Most of the girls thought they had met the love of their lives. Yes, some young single mothers defy the odds. The vast majority do not, but everyone caught up in the dopamine rush thinks they are going to be the exception to the rule, that there is a shortcut to Happy Ever After.

Why is it anything to do with DS if the girl is expressing ambivalence about her course? He's encouraging her to stay - how is it his fault?
It may well be that the girl has less enthusiasm than she used to for a course with a few more years to go, now that she has a boyfriend who is:
(1) there all the time (see remarks of both the OP and the GF's mother),
(2) conducting a relationship that has become very serious very fast.

There are only 24 hours in a day. This relationship is taking up time and energy and is very likely a huge distraction, and the thoughts of where it might lead (best case scenario) are probably making her course look dull and pointless.

If she wasn't expressing thoughts of chucking the course he wouldn't find himself in the position of encouraging her not to (while failing to see that it's very likely his constant presence and attention that are distracting her).

If he truly wants her to stick with her course and succeed, the OP needs to point out that he has to put his money where his mouth is and give her the time and space to engage with it. He can't have it both ways.

It's very likely that someone is going to get hurt and regret this relationship, is what my point is.

Oh @mathanxiety I’m glad I don’t live in your head.

Obvious that @mathanxiety knows it all and is the fount of all wisdom.
We should go to them for advice as the majority of comments are offering a different point of view, ergo we are wrong. 🙄😂

mathanxiety

I agree with you. If it was my daughter I would want to put the brakes on this relationship quickly.

The OP is not going to listen though and she is not going to try to help cool this relationship down because her son is not being negatively affected.

The GF's mum must be so worried. If she says anything more to the daughter, she risks driving her further into the boyfriend's arms. The boyfriend doesn't have the sense to see he's overstepping his welcome and he's just short of moving in and the OP refuses to get involved because her son is happy. The GF's mother's arms are tied.

I agree that if I were the mother of either the ds or the dd in this relationship I would want to cool it WAY down.

What I can't understand is why anyone thinks the mothers meeting up will achieve this? Does anyone really think that if only the OP told her son to cool it, the relationship would end/become less intense.

I would say that parents getting involved is the exact way to intensify this relationship - achieving the exact opposite of what both parents should want.

I would say that parents getting involved is the exact way to intensify this relationship - achieving the exact opposite of what both parents should want

Exactly.

@TheGrumpyGoat, that makes two of us.

Pallisers "I would say that parents getting involved is the exact way to intensify this relationship - achieving the exact opposite of what both parents should want"

TheGrumpyGoat Exactly.

Yes. And this is why the GF's mother asked the OP not to share the conversation with Romeo and Juliet. The OP chose to disregard the request because the girlfriend doesn't matter to her as much as her son does.

I'm really not going to "encourage" my 20yo son to break up with what he sees as the love of his life though.

He is 20, and needs to be told the truth about what he is doing.

The DS can assure his mother all he likes about encouraging the GF to stick to her studies, but at the end of the day if he doesn't realise that his constant presence and the 'serious relationship' are massive distractions, the OP is going to have to sit her son down and spell out to him exactly what encouraging her to stick with her course means.

If this really is fated to be The Relationship, then giving the GF space is not going to damage it. If he really cares about this young woman, he needs to stop distracting her from her course.

@TheGrumpyGoat

Oh *@mathanxiety* I’m glad I don’t live in your head.

Right?!

What an unbelievably intense post from MathsAnxiety days after OP has even been active on the thread.

The DS is not in a position to offer this girl anything but a huge distraction from her course.

Such a horrible - and uninformed - thing to say.

Why on Earth has OP's DS nothing to offer? Of course he does! He's happily with his girlfriend & she's happy too. Whether the relationship is too serious is another point but there's just no justification for saying this. 😐

Because he is 20.

And because he is practically lodging in a house where another family is trying to live its life, with one member in particular enrolled in a course she is thinking of chucking in.

As for 'He's happily with his girlfriend & she's happy too', you should look up dopamine and its effects.

Also check out signs that a relationship is not healthy - a relationship quickly becoming serious is one.

www.zensensa.com/eight-red-flags-in-dating-you-should-not-ignore/
Intensity

We get sucked in because they create high emotional intensity, and it’s often fast and feels magical.

Like we are a perfect fit.

Sentences like “I have never loved anything like this before” and talk about marriage, kids, and moving in together often happen quickly.

Emotions make us forget and miss warning signs, so you must slow down no matter how good it feels and understand you can’t make good decisions in this state of mind.

You are in a chemical obsession, and your logic is offline.

You also project your stories and fantasies onto this person, and we have no idea who this person is or how being in a long-term relationship will be like with them.

Don’t buy into the emotional intensity.

Love is slow, consistent, and stable.

What comes quickly goes quick, and like a drug, when you go high fast, it will also come down hard fast.

If you tend to be drawn to high intensity, it could be because you are anxious, attached, or co-dependent and the quick commitments and intensity make you feel safe that this person will not abandon you.

The irony is that these relationships are more unstable and less likely to last.

If you are going to spend your life together, then what is the rush?

We tend to put forward our best sides initially, so you don’t know someone after dating a few months.

Emotions are good at telling us what we need right now, but they are not good at telling us what is good for us long term.

If it’s very intense and moves very fast, then it’s a big red flag.

(Fwiw - we are all commenting on this, days after the OP has left.)

I wonder why the daughter isn't a distraction to his course. I think someone is projecting massively.

@mathanxiety

Because he is 20.

And because he is practically lodging in a house where another family is trying to live its life, with one member in particular enrolled in a course she is thinking of chucking in.

As for 'He's happily with his girlfriend & she's happy too', you should look up dopamine and its effects.

Also check out signs that a relationship is not healthy - a relationship quickly becoming serious is one.

www.zensensa.com/eight-red-flags-in-dating-you-should-not-ignore/
Intensity

We get sucked in because they create high emotional intensity, and it’s often fast and feels magical.

Like we are a perfect fit.

Sentences like “I have never loved anything like this before” and talk about marriage, kids, and moving in together often happen quickly.

Emotions make us forget and miss warning signs, so you must slow down no matter how good it feels and understand you can’t make good decisions in this state of mind.

You are in a chemical obsession, and your logic is offline.

You also project your stories and fantasies onto this person, and we have no idea who this person is or how being in a long-term relationship will be like with them.

Don’t buy into the emotional intensity.

Love is slow, consistent, and stable.

What comes quickly goes quick, and like a drug, when you go high fast, it will also come down hard fast.

If you tend to be drawn to high intensity, it could be because you are anxious, attached, or co-dependent and the quick commitments and intensity make you feel safe that this person will not abandon you.

The irony is that these relationships are more unstable and less likely to last.

If you are going to spend your life together, then what is the rush?

We tend to put forward our best sides initially, so you don’t know someone after dating a few months.

Emotions are good at telling us what we need right now, but they are not good at telling us what is good for us long term.

If it’s very intense and moves very fast, then it’s a big red flag.

(Fwiw - we are all commenting on this, days after the OP has left.)

🙄

Honestly Maths you massively over-think everything (at least in this area, based on your posts).

You are taking wild leaps to describe a particular type of unhealthy relationship that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Whether or not they should cool it a little, it's absolutely fine for two young people to have a loving, deeply felt relationship & as long as there is respect & care for them both, it's a very natural part of their development.

Because he is 20.

20 yo have nothing to offer? Are you sure?

Of course they do! Love, fun, support... i had lots to offer at 20 and so did my boyfriend at the time.

Most people have serious relationships around this point, they don't usually last but that's fine.

Many of my friends had boyfriends at 17, quite serious ones, as they were doing final exams etc & it was all fine. This girl isn't even at school, she's on a course, as the boy is too

Even if all you say is true @mathanxiety (and I remain unconvinced, based on the information we have), how do you suggest the OP breaks up a relationship between two consenting adults?
It’s normal for relationships to be intense at this age. The likelihood is that it won’t last, but that doesn’t mean it is harmful. It feels an awful lot like you’re projecting.

@mathanxiety Theres obviously something in your life that makes you feel strongly about this, but even if it was agreed that OP should intervene and that it would be best for everyone if this ended (I think that's far from clear cut), what exactly do you think OP should do? What exactly does "pouring cold water" look like? What action can OP take that would have the desired effect while GF's mum is telling them everything is good (or even if she wasn't)?

They're adults and they need to learn from their experiences. The only thing the mothers can do is support/advise when asked. Trying to break them up will just lead to secrecy.

Unless you have sone specific advice as to what should be done?