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Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
QuestionEverythingBaby · 05/10/2021 10:01

@Tal45

Why don't you just text her and say you feel a bit uncomfortable about keeping things quiet from your ds, that you're sure he wouldn't mind you meeting up (I'm assuming he wouldn't) and that you would prefer to mention it rather than feel like you were keeping secrets.

Yes do this. Then she has a chance to say because it's about a surprise Christmas present/party etc which is why it needs the secrecy.
If instead she says it's about their relationship, tell her you won't keep secrets from your DS and she can forget it.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 05/10/2021 10:07

I had this exact same situation, when DS was 18 and his GF 16

Her mum wanted a private chat with me, the gist of which was that her DD had not had a BF before, and had been through a lot emotionally (parents divorce) and she basically wanted to know if my DS was a bit of a player or a “nice guy”

I did not think of it as “sneaking”, it was just a worried mum who needed reassurance

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 05/10/2021 10:08

I think all the people on here advocating an aggressive stance must live a life full of conflict Shock

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TrollsAreSaddos · 05/10/2021 10:08

Read the OPs post but not others. Might be a chance that the mom wants to tell you something about the daughter. Perhaps The daughter has a mental health issue that she wants to quietly let you know about.

I wouldn’t want to meet her if I were you. It’s a bit full on.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/10/2021 10:10

it could be something that you need to keep from him.

If she can't tell DS then she has no business telling his mother either.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 10:19

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

it could be something that you need to keep from him.

If she can't tell DS then she has no business telling his mother either.

Exactly this. If there's something DS can't know, I don't want to know!
OP posts:
SuperstarDog · 05/10/2021 10:22

Exactly this. If there's something DS can't know, I don't want to know!

Are you actually going to meet her?

FatCatThinCat · 05/10/2021 10:42

She wants to meet with you as you'll be seeing a lot of them, I took that as code for we're going to be grandmas together. The girlfriend is either pregnant or planning to be.

FatCatThinCat · 05/10/2021 10:44

Her mother knows but has been told not to tell anyone which is why she doesn't want them to know she's meeting you.

MumDad1958 · 05/10/2021 10:47

Hope it goes well.

SueSaid · 05/10/2021 10:47

@TrollsAreSaddos

Read the OPs post but not others. Might be a chance that the mom wants to tell you something about the daughter. Perhaps The daughter has a mental health issue that she wants to quietly let you know about. I wouldn’t want to meet her if I were you. It’s a bit full on.
So she tells her dd to confide in her boyfriend. These are adults.

The days that mummies are involved is primary playdates and possibly teens if underage and concerns about safeguarding issues.

Lotusmonster · 05/10/2021 10:53

You only really know this woman because of your DS. Offer to meet, but say you’ve already mentioned it to your son now anyway. Your loyalty beyond any question is to your DS Op.

HappyDays101010 · 05/10/2021 10:58

I think she sees your son as a catch, and wants to get you onside and enmeshed. Secrecy as she know they will tell her to butt out.

ElsieMc · 05/10/2021 11:05

It might be the staying over. My grandsons live with me and gs1's gf stays here around 3 nights a week. She is a lovely girl and very good for him but sometimes its hard not having my house to myself/ourselves. He often goes there at weekend Friday night and Saturdays so it is fairly even. It could well be that.

Her mum didn't bother with a phone call just came round and made a point of having a chat when I was in the garden. No heavy personal stuff at all though - just having a look at where her lovely dd was staying and who with which is perfectly natural.

I don't like the secrecy on her part though op. My late mum used to do this. I would ask her not to do something, usually of a personal nature, but she would do it any way because her wants and needs came before my feelings. It got to the stage where I told her nothing at all. I hated her going behind my back and it made a fraught relationship even worse. Don't end up in the firing line when she has asked to meet you and tried to involve you in secrecy. Mention it to your ds.

Balonziaga · 05/10/2021 11:05

Easy Breezy text would be my suggestion:

'Looking forward to catching up - what time is good for you? And I can't keep it a secret from DS, I'd have to lie about where I was going! I'm sure that's not going to be a problem though"

WellThisIsShit · 05/10/2021 11:07

Oh Lordy, what a conundrum, so tricky. Will you go ahead this evening?

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 05/10/2021 11:45

I really don't see this as a conundrum at all. You meet her. You speak to her. Then you decide if you want to share the information with DS.

She might want to discuss inviting him for Christmas but wants to check you won't be upset. She might want to tell you they're all moving to the US so you know to support your son when he's devastated.

There's lots of plausible reasons for a mother of a teen (which she is) to want to discuss matters with another parent rather than go straight to their teen's partner.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 05/10/2021 11:50

I absolutely wouldn’t be happy not to tell ds at that age. It could ruin your relationship with him. I would tell her that you’re happy to meet but don’t feel happy to talk about your dd behind his back so will be telling him. Your loyalty here is to your ds, not the girlfriends mum!

Shedbuilder · 05/10/2021 11:53

Isn't that all stuff she should be talking to her daughter about? Or if necessary DS? I can't deal with any of it without talking to him anyway.

I'm trying to imagine being her. Maybe she's strongly hinted to your son and her daughter that living together at her house isn't an ongoing option and they've ignored her and before she tells them they've got to spend as much time together at your place as at hers she wants to find out if there's a reason they're not already doing that? Maybe your son has said something that has made her question whether you want them both at your place? Maybe the young people are talking about marriage or having a child or whatever and she has her concerns and she wants to find out where you stand. Maybe the kids are taking drugs and she wants to know whether you know and where you stand on it? Maybe, as I said, she has health issues or problems in her own marriage or life changes coming up that she would like to discuss with you woman to woman. There may be lots of things she doesn't want or need to discuss via her daughter.

I really don't understand why you think everything has to be mediated through the children. Surely there are things in your own life that you withhold from your son? Maybe she just thinks that as your children are very involved with each other it would be useful to get to know you a little. I don't understand why you're so suspicious.

gowonfan42069 · 05/10/2021 11:56

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Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 11:57

I don't understand why you're so suspicious.

I'm not suspicious, I just don't think any of those things are something you discuss with another adult's parents in secret. I've made it clear that they're both welcome here, even that I'd like them to spend more time here, but if I felt either of my sons were having friends here too much I'd tell them and expect it to stop. I wouldn't be contacting the friends' parents.

OP posts:
WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 05/10/2021 11:58

I would feel that even not mentioning the text is a breach of ds’ trust.

‘Hi, yes, I’m free tomorrow and happy to meet for a chat. I’ve had a think though and decided that I’m not comfortable discussing ds’ relationship behind his back so I will have to tell him you’ve messaged me. I’m sure you understand.’

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 05/10/2021 11:59

My mum met up with someone who wanted to discuss me, in the guise of being worried about me. I was a little older than your ds, early twenties. I’m mid forties now and still upset about it, and it still impacts my relationship with my mum.

austenprejudice · 05/10/2021 12:01

Meet her for goodness sake. Let her get it off her chest. Maybe she is worried about something that a 17 yr old can't handle.
Listening in confidence is harmless. Speaking about something might be OK as well.
Only one way to find out.

SeasonFinale · 05/10/2021 12:02

It could be something as simple as sounding you out as to whether you all want Chrisynas day together ?