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Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
bumblingbovine49 · 05/10/2021 08:13

Oops just seen your update. Glad to see you have contacted her. I hope it all works out

Houseofvelour · 05/10/2021 08:14

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose

Helping! Pushing holiday plans! Urgh 18yo me just had a mighty shudder. 😆 Sounds like they think ds is a catch and the Talk is to discuss how to split the wedding costs. 😆
😂😂
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 08:16

@bumblingbovine49

Just meet the bloody woman for goodness sake. After the meeting make a judgement on if you think you should mention the meeting to your son after all and be honest with her about your decision.

It is not that complicated!

I think it is. It would be dishonest to see her without telling him, it doesn't feel entirely right not to mention I've had the text. I'd be furious if any family member was meeting someone to discuss me and failed to mention it.

I think, actually, she's just being friendly and a bit over dramatic, but we shall see.

OP posts:

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Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 08:17

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose

Helping! Pushing holiday plans! Urgh 18yo me just had a mighty shudder. 😆 Sounds like they think ds is a catch and the Talk is to discuss how to split the wedding costs. 😆
Hmm. They have been very keen on him from the start. Far keener for their 17yo to spend lots of time with a 20yo man than I would have been!
OP posts:
Cocopogo · 05/10/2021 08:18

Meet first then tell DS

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 05/10/2021 08:19

I really hope it isn't to do with her dd having MH issues or an eating disorder as suggested upthread. This woman would be beyond unreasonable to secretly divulge her daughters private medical information.

Same as if she has concerns about the relationship, she should be speaking to the two adults in the relationship.

Aside from talking about a Christmas present I cant see why the parents need to be meeting up and discussing the relationship of two grown ups.

Clawdy · 05/10/2021 08:23

A two-year age gap doesn't seem a problem to me, not sure why people keep mentioning it.

Fluffypastelslippers · 05/10/2021 08:24

Be prepared to tell her you don't want involved if it's something that ordinarily parents wouldn't be involved in. It can be very easy to get drawn in because you want to handle things politely. You don't want this turning into the kind of situation where she wants to be involved in ever last detail of their lives.

DH ex wife phoned him frantically once because their 28 year old daughter was planning to get married. 'We need to discuss fully what we are going to do' - he told her they were going to do nothing but turn up and wish DD well then hung up on the mad bitch.

Muttly · 05/10/2021 08:25

Weird and overinvolved from the other mother. Ask her straight out on the phone what she wants to discuss and if it steps over boundaries be busy a lot in the near future. In fact I’d start with a sorry about the phone call but I am so busy lately I knew it might be a while before we met so this seemed easer. And I would tell my son unless it was about a Christmas present or a surprise trip. Even if her daughter is 18 she is now an adult who deserves her privacy and if the mother drops secrets about her in any way then that is wrong imho. The whole thing is a tad uncomfortable.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 05/10/2021 08:28

@LucilleBluth

I have a 20 year old son and I would tell her no and speak to him. He’s an adult and your loyalty lies with him.
It's not disloyal to the DS to agree to a conversation, you have no idea what the other mum is going to say. Why are you assuming she's going to be saying something negative about him when the mum has already said nothing's wrong? It might not even be anything to do with him
MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/10/2021 08:29

seems bizarre but it might be just her being friendly

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 08:32

@MrsLargeEmbodied

seems bizarre but it might be just her being friendly
I think this is probably it, a meet the in laws type situation. They're much more sociable than I am Grin

But I don't understand why she doesn't want me to tell them.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/10/2021 08:35

perhaps she thinks the off spring would be embarrassed, more embarrassing not to tell really imo

ThirtyCharacterUsernamesOnly30 · 05/10/2021 08:35

Maybe she wants to organise a secret '7 month' anniversary party for them, if she's that keen on them being together!

remodelideas · 05/10/2021 08:35

I would just be really clear with her "looking forward to catching up later / tomorrow, I don't feel comfortable keeping it from my DS so I've let him know I'll be meeting his lovely gf's mum"! Or something along those lines!!!

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 05/10/2021 08:38

I think it's just a "get to know you more" meet.

diddl · 05/10/2021 08:41

Just she just want to be friends?

I don't see the need to tell your son tbh unless it's about him/them.

"she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them"

A lot of who-your son & his GF?

Why does that mean you should meet?

gamerchick · 05/10/2021 08:42

@ThirtyCharacterUsernamesOnly30

Maybe she wants to organise a secret '7 month' anniversary party for them, if she's that keen on them being together!
Or maybe she's an overinvolved weirdo and the OP is about to enter the twilight zone meeting her.
Budapestdreams · 05/10/2021 08:43

The meeting you isn't strange, but keeping it a secret is.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 08:44

@diddl

Just she just want to be friends?

I don't see the need to tell your son tbh unless it's about him/them.

"she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them"

A lot of who-your son & his GF?

Why does that mean you should meet?

But why not tell him? I live with him and chat on a daily regular basis. I'd mention, in passing, anyone I was meeting up with. Deliberately not telling him I'm seeing GF's mother , or even that she's been in touch, doesn't feel right.
OP posts:
SueSaid · 05/10/2021 08:48

Omg. No just no.

They are 20 and 18 not 2 young kids, you don't meet the parents and you certainly don't do it behind backs.

The pair of you need to back off. Any concerns she may have tell her to talk to her dd. Jesus.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/10/2021 08:49

Surely it’s up to your DS and his GF if and when the parents meet?

I find this a bit weird, particularly with the pushing holidays etc. She sounds too full on and involved with them.

TheGrumpyGoat · 05/10/2021 08:50

I’m intrigued!
I don’t think a 2/3 year age gap is a big deal at that age, it’s pretty standard.
Maybe give her a call this evening?

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 08:52

@JaniieJones

Omg. No just no.

They are 20 and 18 not 2 young kids, you don't meet the parents and you certainly don't do it behind backs.

The pair of you need to back off. Any concerns she may have tell her to talk to her dd. Jesus.

I don't think it's unusual for parents of a couple to know each other socially, that might be nice. It's the not mentioning it that feels uncomfortable.

Anyway, I shall talk to her this evening and see what it's all about, but tbh I can't think of anything it could be that I wouldn't tell DS. I can't "do" anything about any concerns if I don't talk to him and if it's all good, why wouldn't I tell him?

OP posts:
Bullsh · 05/10/2021 08:52

The parents sound too involved in their adult daughter's relationship. Don't promise to keep anything secret (unless it is as simple as a surprise holiday etc) if they want to play secret squirrel they can but you're not playing along.

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