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Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
ElizaDarcysDeeds · 05/10/2021 12:03

It seems odd to me that some posters' definition of loyalty to a DS is avoiding having an open conversation with an adult he spends a lot of time with. .. that seems like avoidance and naivety rather than loyalty to me.
There's nothing to stop you telling your DS after the conversation.
And if the mum has created a drama where there isn't one, I'd want to know that was the type of adult's home he was in especially with the age gap. Loyalty and care for your DS should be motivating you to meet her and find out more.

Shedbuilder · 05/10/2021 12:07

I'm struck, reading all the responses here, that so many people see the withholding of information as secrecy rather than a judgment call.

When I was 18/20 I didn't want to know what my mum was up to or for her to know what was going on in my life. One of the important things about being an adult is knowing when to keep something to yourself for a variety of reasons and when to share it. It's about judgment and an adult comprehension of what others can cope with. Sharing information can be a burden on those required to hear it. So many things, throughout my life, that I wish people had kept to themselves.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/10/2021 12:13

Probs preggo

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In4mation · 05/10/2021 12:19

Ooh I’m intrigued.

I think it’ll be something like a joint present for Xmas.

But text again saying you are uncomfortable keeping it secret unless it’s just a “surprise”

Fluffypastelslippers · 05/10/2021 12:22

I can't imagine it's regarding a Christmas present, surely you would just send a text?

olidora63 · 05/10/2021 12:23

I would be inclined to text her and just explain that you are not comfortable meeting her without your son being aware.

seaandsandcastles · 05/10/2021 12:26

YABU. You need to back off and not engage.

They’re both consenting adults; stay out of their relationship.

longtompot · 05/10/2021 12:45

I would meet and find out what it was she wanted and then speak to ds afterwards. That way you can gauge just how much you can tell him without ruining anything, esp if it's a Christmas thing.

Walkingalot · 05/10/2021 12:48

I don't see what all the fuss is about but there's only one way to find out!
Maybe as much as she likes your DS, she thinks they should split their time more evenly. You say yourself that you hardly see them. That could explain her request to not mentioned it to your DS.

Shedbuilder · 05/10/2021 12:49

They’re both consenting adults; stay out of their relationship.

They may be consenting adults but from the OP's posts they seem to be practically living together at the girl's mother's house. She has a right to have an opinion about that and also to feel that it's something that perhaps needs discussing with the other adult with a house in this situation.

SuperstarDog · 05/10/2021 12:56

She has a right to have an opinion about that and also to feel that it's something that perhaps needs discussing with the other adult with a house in this situation.

If it’s to do with the time spent at her house, the girlfriends mum can talk to the son, he’s an adult too. It’s nothing to do with having a house. Imagine having someone talk to your mum about things when you’re 20...😬 It’s intrusive and I can’t believe the parents are considering this is in any way normal. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 05/10/2021 12:57

@Shedbuilder

They’re both consenting adults; stay out of their relationship.

They may be consenting adults but from the OP's posts they seem to be practically living together at the girl's mother's house. She has a right to have an opinion about that and also to feel that it's something that perhaps needs discussing with the other adult with a house in this situation.

There are 2 adults in the relationship, if she is unhappy about them staying at her house then she needs to discuss it with them, and not try and decide a schedule with a grown up blokes mum.
YouJustFoldItIn · 05/10/2021 13:10

Is she fed-up of having him living in her home (you've said you never see him these days) and wants to see if the two of you can quietly arrange things a bit differently?

That was my first thought too. Perhaps she's tried asking them directly if they'd split their time more equally between both houses and she's not had the best reaction from her DD? It wouldn't be an unusual reaction for young people of that age. Perhaps she just wants to get you on board now in the hope that you can gently suggest the same thing and be supportive if she puts her foot down.

Either that or the GF is pregnant.

SarahBop · 05/10/2021 13:18

Hmm, she's put you in a difficult situation. I would feel pretty disloyal to my adult son, meeting up with someone behind their back.

Seems immature/weird behaviour on the mums part tbh.
I'd maybe have replied and stated that you were concerned about why it needs to be kept as a dirty secret, and that you don't feel it's appropriate to be meeting up with your Son's 'mother in law' figure on the sneak, and that you're concerned about what it is regarding, could she just phone you to discuss as the kids are young adults so you're trying not to get involved in their private affairs?

Boundaries needed with this one. She sounds like an odd-ball and the fact you said she has been 'very involved' from the beginning, rings alarm bells to me.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 13:25

They're not living there! I don't see DS because when he's not working he's there, but he works shifts so he often is working when I'm at home. I'd guess he stays there approx once or twice a week and they take advantage if her parents are away for the weekend, which they often are.

Either way, I'd still expect her to take it up with them first and I don't for a minute think DS would still be going regularly if they'd asked him not to unless GF hasn't told him

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 05/10/2021 13:37

I'd just go ahead with meeting, but be wary about what she wants. I'd keep it neutral and remind her that your ds js an adult and can make his own mind up and that if its something she wants (eg him staying over more or less) then she needs to ask him.

It's obviously nice if you and she get on but you don't need to be her new BFF and confidante. I have seen relationships where the two sets of parents have become really great friends only for it all to go very messily pear shaped when the young couples split up.

Lotusmonster · 05/10/2021 13:38

Her behaviour is patronising. She needs to stop playing God with two other consenting adults lives. Any house keeping issues, she must take up directly with them. You have much to loose OP if you allow yourself to become embroiled.

Lotusmonster · 05/10/2021 13:41

Be a shame If you allowed your curiosity to damage your lifelong relationship with your DS….and I feel that by dangling a worm at you she’s trying to arouse this curiosity. If you’ve any sense you won’t respond or you’ll graciously decline saying you don’t think your DS would like a secret meeting.

SuperstarDog · 05/10/2021 13:43

Are you going to meet her?

2bazookas · 05/10/2021 14:08

Meet her face to face and hear what she's got to say.

You're under no obligation to her. Use your own judgement.

Comedycook · 05/10/2021 14:13

My initial thought...the girlfriend is pregnant

Comedycook · 05/10/2021 14:13

I am thinking pregnancy because if it was just a meet the in laws type thing, then why the secrecy?

diddl · 05/10/2021 14:15

But if she's pregnant why wouldn't her son be telling Op?

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 14:19

@diddl

But if she's pregnant why wouldn't her son be telling Op?
If she's pregnant I'm absolutely certain DS doesn't know, which would be really weird.
OP posts:
Comedycook · 05/10/2021 14:20

@diddl

But if she's pregnant why wouldn't her son be telling Op?
Maybe the ds doesn't know or maybe he does but doesn't want to tell his mum but the gf mum thinks she needs to know?