DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

[AndOtherStories]

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

Just saying that on a practical level, the other family is regularly feeding another person, providing hot water and other facilities on a regular basis. Costs time and money no matter who it is.

@TrainforSpeed - she needs to tell him that if he cares about the GF he needs to give her space and time so that she can succeed in her course, and ask him to come up with a reasonable plan that does more than pay lip service to the ideal of sticking with the course.

I would also check in with him about how he is dealing with the death of his father. As I understand, the relationship began around the time of his death, and I hope he isn't using it to avoid grief.

@Bumtum126, he is doing a degree apprenticeship and working shifts.
The GF has another three years to go on her course and plans to travel the world working in her field once qualified.

The OP hasn't mentioned any work/study-related distraction experienced by her DS. She has mentioned otoh that her DS has encouraged the GF not to abandon her course. A girl with big dreams, enrolled in a course which will enable her to travel the world, now needs the encouragement of a BF to stick with it.

I'm using information supplied by the OP here.
Fwiw, the OP has also expressed her discomfort with the intensity of the relationship, at least twice.
She has also mentioned the death of DS's father, and I suspect the GF has distracted him from grieving that loss. This isn't healthy for either the DS or the GF.

@EarringsandLipstick - don't be obtuse. He obviously has some redeeming features.
As I have stated, I have seen girls of 17-18-19 deciding the BF they had in those years was the only thing they wanted in life, even turning down university offers because they thought their relationships had long term potential. They saw a short cut to stability, certainty, and status. It's too late two children later to try to get back on track.

It's nice that your friends managed to get through exams with boyfriends they were serious about in their lives. Did the boys spend almost all their time in the homes of your friends? Had any of them recently experienced the loss of a family member?

[quote mathanxiety]@TrainforSpeed - she needs to tell him that if he cares about the GF he needs to give her space and time so that she can succeed in her course, and ask him to come up with a reasonable plan that does more than pay lip service to the ideal of sticking with the course.

I would also check in with him about how he is dealing with the death of his father. As I understand, the relationship began around the time of his death, and I hope he isn't using it to avoid grief.[/quote]
But she's telling him she doesn't want space.

Plus OP has actually done everything you ask then mathsanxiety and GF's mother is still saying the opposite.

I had a nice chat with DS. He's still convinced there's no problem with him spending time there, which mum confirmed to them both again last night, after I'd spoken to them. I've said I'm just telling you how it seemed to me, but you'll have to do what you think is right. I've also tried to explain that for the sake of them both and their relationship they need time apart and separate interests, but he's not ready to hear that.

The OP has already done what you suggest.

I suspect the GF has distracted him from grieving that loss. This isn't healthy for either the DS or the GF

You suspect. Doesn’t make it true.

And maybe he’s having to tell her to stick with the course because she doesn’t actually enjoy it? We can all speculate, doesn’t make any of us right.

@mathanxiety

don't be obtuse

Don't be rude

If the gf's mother is concerned, then she needs to stop trying to get the bf's mum to intervene, while completely undermining her by telling her daughter a) about the meeting that she wanted kept quiet and b) that it's completely fine for the boyfriend to be there so often!

The OP has done what she can with her hands tied behind her back as a result of GF's mother's actions.
And it's not only girls whose lives are affected by intense relationships. Boys can also be held back too, by overly dependent girlfriends.

Boys can also be held back too, by overly dependent girlfriends

So true. My brother ended up dropping out of uni because his then girlfriend was insanely jealous and made his life miserable.
In the meantime I went to uni abroad at 18 and my 20 year old boyfriend (who stayed at home, he was a plumber) was fully supportive.
We split a few years after I got back because relationships starting that young often don’t last, but he was nothing but supportive of my course and my ambitions.