Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
Tailendofsummer · 05/10/2021 06:39

I think the difference between "private" and "secret" is an important one.

Solasum · 05/10/2021 06:42

If you have barely seen your son recently, maybe she just wants to say that while she likes him a lot, she doesn’t want him at her house all the time, so can you split the ‘burden’?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/10/2021 06:59

I'd give her a call and say you don't feel right doing things in secret. See what she says...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
gildalily · 05/10/2021 07:08

I bet she wants to do something like a joint Christmas present - weekend away or similar. She's carrying the secrecy through because of that.

ilanois · 05/10/2021 07:12

@PersonaNonGarter

‘Hi [X] - it would be lovely to do coffee! I am slammed for the next few weeks , but if there’s something on your mind, shall I give you a call? I could ring today at [x time]?’
I would go with this. I would not be happy about being asked to hide from adult child for however long it takes for the meet-up. Get it over with and be clear that (unless she reveals something alarming) that you'll be telling DS about the convo.
TopCatsTopHat · 05/10/2021 07:16

@gildalily

I bet she wants to do something like a joint Christmas present - weekend away or similar. She's carrying the secrecy through because of that.
Ooo great idea, that's a nice possible.
WildFlowerBees · 05/10/2021 07:19

Maybe she just has some concerns and wants to talk to you about them. It'll be nothing, she already said nothing was wrong.

DoraMaude · 05/10/2021 07:25

He's an adult. I don't think you should meet her behind your son's back. Why the need for secrecy?

tiredanddangerous · 05/10/2021 07:29

I would definitely find out what she wants before committing to keeping it secret.

LucilleBluth · 05/10/2021 07:34

I have a 20 year old son and I would tell her no and speak to him. He’s an adult and your loyalty lies with him.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/10/2021 07:37

does the daughter have further education plans or your son?

Mindymomo · 05/10/2021 07:40

I would say happy to chat on the phone first, but if we meet up, would have to check it first with DS that he’s ok with it. I would also tell DS that she’s made contact and is he ok with you talking to her or meeting her.

ShuddaBeenMe · 05/10/2021 07:42

I wouldn't keep it a secret

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/10/2021 07:45

Agree with the earlier suggestion of busy the next few weeks but sounds important so fancy a phone call this eve?

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 05/10/2021 07:47

I would meet her and find out what she wants before saying anything to ds. It might be a Christmas present surprise or similar. If when you meet her it's not then just say you'll not be keeping the meeting secret.

Fluffypastelslippers · 05/10/2021 07:50

@Solasum

If you have barely seen your son recently, maybe she just wants to say that while she likes him a lot, she doesn’t want him at her house all the time, so can you split the ‘burden’?

This was my first thought too.

spotcheck · 05/10/2021 07:53

I agree with pp that it could be something to do with her daughter.
I would hear her out.

mistermagpie · 05/10/2021 07:56

@Mindymomo

I would say happy to chat on the phone first, but if we meet up, would have to check it first with DS that he’s ok with it. I would also tell DS that she’s made contact and is he ok with you talking to her or meeting her.
This.
sonsmum · 05/10/2021 07:59

Go along with the other mother. There must be a reason why she wants to talk to you in secret at this moment in time. If you judge her, blabber to your son, you will never be able to take that back if you misjudged. This could seriously erode trust on all fronts. You can always decide after you know the news whether you now need to fess up to your son about meeting the mum etc. Also at that time, you can tell the mum you weren't happy about meeting in secret etc. However do urge you to go to this meeting and gets your facts first before acting.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 05/10/2021 08:01

They are both adults, what could she possibly have to say to you that she cannot say to her daughter or your son?....It all sounds very odd

PegasusReturns · 05/10/2021 08:01

I’d call her on the off chance it’s something that warrants secrecy like a joint gift.

Keeping any discussion about their relationship/personal lives secret is off limits and you need to make that clear

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/10/2021 08:05

I’d meet And see what she has to say first. If it’s a Christmas gift then the secrecy is fine; anything more and I would be saying that I’d need to discuss with my son.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 08:10

Ok, so I said lovely to meet up, hope everything's OK, shall I call you you after work and she's said everything Ok she's free tonight or tomorrow. So now I don't know if she means for a phone call or to meet Grin

I had a nice chat with DS when he got in very late last night. I didn't mention the text, but if there's something brewing he doesn't know about it, he seemed really relaxed and happy.

GF's Mum and Dad have seemed very "involved" from the start TBH. I've tried to step back and let them find their own way (but my DS is older) whereas they've been helping or even pushing holiday plans etc.

OP posts:
bumblingbovine49 · 05/10/2021 08:12

Just meet the bloody woman for goodness sake. After the meeting make a judgement on if you think you should mention the meeting to your son after all and be honest with her about your decision.

It is not that complicated!

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 05/10/2021 08:13

Helping! Pushing holiday plans! Urgh 18yo me just had a mighty shudder. 😆 Sounds like they think ds is a catch and the Talk is to discuss how to split the wedding costs. 😆