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Original poster

DS girlfriend's mum has asked to meet up in secret

410 replies

AndOtherStories · 04/10/2021 22:52

DS is 20, GF is just turned 18. They've been seeing each other about 6 months and seem very serious. Which is OK for DS at 20 I suppose, although it does seem to have happened very quickly.

As the 17/18 yo's mum I'd have had some concerns but her parents have been very welcoming to him, he's spent much more time at her house than here, has been away with their family and has stayed overnight there.

I'm happy to meet her, I do know her a bit, our paths crossed for a while years ago and she's perfectly nice. She's at pains in her text to say nothing wrong, but she thinks we should meet as we will both be seeing a lot of them (TBH I've hardly seen DS since they've been together and I'm trying hard not to mind!).

However, she's asked me not to tell them she's contacted me. I'm not at all happy with that. Face to face I'd tell her that, but by text there's no way to say it without causing offence is there?

OP posts:
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 08:53

@TheGrumpyGoat

I’m intrigued! I don’t think a 2/3 year age gap is a big deal at that age, it’s pretty standard. Maybe give her a call this evening?
No, I'm happy with the age gap now. I wasn't so sure when she was only 17 to his 20 and her parents were encouraging him to stay over when they hadn't known each other long though.
OP posts:
darklindor · 05/10/2021 08:54

I was 17 when I met DH, he was 20. Our parents meeting in secret would have been bizarre.

SueSaid · 05/10/2021 08:56

'I don't think it's unusual for parents of a couple to know each other socially, that might be nice. It's the not mentioning it that feels uncomfortable'

The not mentioning it to the actual 20 and 18 yr old isn't 'uncomfortable' rather very fucking weird.

Just text 'something has come up' you're busy then just maybe invite them for a social do complete with the dd if you fancy socialising with them.

Unless you fancy really annoying your ds. Do you often sneak about behind people's backs?

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Anonymouseposter · 05/10/2021 08:57

I would tell her that it would be nice to meet up sometime but that you aren't happy to not tell them about it and that if she contacts you again you would mention it.
You don't know what she is going to tell you and it could potentially put you in a difficult situation and affect your relationship with your son.
She may have good motives if she is concerned about something but she is making a mistake in not being open with them.

Abouttimemum · 05/10/2021 08:59

Honestly, I’d say to her that you don’t want to meet in secret, I’d say I’m going to tell DS that we’re meeting to introduce ourselves etc. Then I’d tell him.
My parents did this when my sister aged 15 was seeing an 18 year old and it was all out in the open, and passed without issue. Much better to be honest about it and keep your child’s trust.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 08:59

Unless you fancy really annoying your ds. Do you often sneak about behind people's backs?

Umm, doesn't every single one of my posts suggest I never sneak around behind people's backs? Confused

OP posts:
Fourinaroomboredmn · 05/10/2021 09:00

Hmm, is a bit weird with the secrecy part

SueSaid · 05/10/2021 09:11

'Umm, doesn't every single one of my posts suggest I never sneak around behind people's backs'

Well you've already been in touch with her so you have?

Both of you need to show your adult kids some respect. Any concerns direct to them. Any socialising includes them as well as nosy overinvested parents.

SueSaid · 05/10/2021 09:13

'Umm, doesn't every single one of my posts suggest I never sneak around behind people's backs?'

'Ok, so I said lovely to meet up, hope everything's OK, shall I call you you after work and she's said everything Ok she's free tonight or tomorrow. So now I don't know if she means for a phone call or to meet grin .I had a nice chat with DS when he got in very late last night. I didn't mention the text'

Sneaking about behind people's backs ^

AlternativePerspective · 05/10/2021 09:13

There is not a chance in hell I would agree to this.

How many posters here would feel it appropriate for your partner’s mother to be contacting your mother in secret?

In fact what do posters think the response would be if a poster posted here that she wanted to contact her adult daughter’s adult boyfriend.

I would call her and ask what she wanted.

And I would be hoping that DS saw the light soon and ran for the hills as he stands a good chance of ending up with the MIL from hell.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/10/2021 09:18

I don't understand why she doesn't want me to tell them.

Probably because she is oiver-involved, the young people are not ready for all this commitment and family stuff, and she knows perfectly well that they would like her to butt out. Don't get sucked in. She probably knows she is being intrusive by arranging this meeting hence the secrecy.

Call her again and be very clear that you will be telling your DS about meeting her and that you can't promise secrecy about anything else she tells you either.

Biscuits1 · 05/10/2021 09:20

I would keep your promise to her first as you don't know what she is going to say and it could be something that you need to keep from him. Then once you know, at that point you can make the decision if you need to tell him but also tell her that you will need to tell DS even if its a watered down version as he will inevitably tell his GF even if you tell him not to.

SunLovingMum · 05/10/2021 09:23

Well, I think you’re doing the right thing. Meet her as she’s asked. Could be just getting to know you and asked it not be told to the kids if her DD thinks it is too soon, who knows. It go

Mentioning it to your DS is the right thing to do too. When you meet up, sometime during conversation, let her know you don’t keep secrets from your DS so he knows she’s messaged you and you’re be getting together with her. This way going forward, there can be no misunderstanding that you would keep things from your DS.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 05/10/2021 09:23

Op isn’t being sneaky at all.

She has been put in a really awkward situation by the girlfriends mum and it's very clear that op is trying to find the best way to deal with it without going behind her sons back.

This is chat, not AIBU where you have to make up reasons why the op is BU.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 09:28

@JaniieJones

'Umm, doesn't every single one of my posts suggest I never sneak around behind people's backs?'

'Ok, so I said lovely to meet up, hope everything's OK, shall I call you you after work and she's said everything Ok she's free tonight or tomorrow. So now I don't know if she means for a phone call or to meet grin .I had a nice chat with DS when he got in very late last night. I didn't mention the text'

Sneaking about behind people's backs ^

I don't need his permission to meet her, but I won't do it without telling him. I'll also tell him about the phone call when I see him.
OP posts:
Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 09:29

@Biscuits1

I would keep your promise to her first as you don't know what she is going to say and it could be something that you need to keep from him. Then once you know, at that point you can make the decision if you need to tell him but also tell her that you will need to tell DS even if its a watered down version as he will inevitably tell his GF even if you tell him not to.
I Haven't made a promise to her and I don't intend to, but I'll hear her out and find out why she doesn't want it mentioned before I meet her.
OP posts:
TheUnbearable · 05/10/2021 09:30

Your son is for life she may be someone temporary in your life. I would absolutely tell my DS that I was going to meet her. I have a DS the same age as yours with a GF a year younger.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 09:32

And I would be hoping that DS saw the light soon and ran for the hills as he stands a good chance of ending up with the MIL from hell

It's funny because to begin with in their relationship I was concerned I was turning into the MIL from hell, jealous about all the time DS was spending with them (I've got a grip of myself now!). Now I wonder, but DS does seem fond of them all. Either way there's nothing to be achieved, except trouble, by telling DS of my concerns.

OP posts:
SuperstarDog · 05/10/2021 09:32

If you meet her, you should tell your son before you go. Personally I wouldn’t do it, it’s weird. They are 20 and 18, they’ve been together a few months, leave them to it. My son would think wtf and I’d have to agree with him.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 09:39

Now I'm wondering what mum will think if she sees this thread. Realise how weird she's being or mad that I posted?

OP posts:
Tal45 · 05/10/2021 09:46

Why don't you just text her and say you feel a bit uncomfortable about keeping things quiet from your ds, that you're sure he wouldn't mind you meeting up (I'm assuming he wouldn't) and that you would prefer to mention it rather than feel like you were keeping secrets.

SueSaid · 05/10/2021 09:46

@AndOtherStories

Now I'm wondering what mum will think if she sees this thread. Realise how weird she's being or mad that I posted?
Hopefully she would see how very fucking weird the situation is and actually talk to her adult dd rather than some stranger.

Maybe start with liking each others fb pictures before furtive meet ups and privacy breaking gossip?

Shedbuilder · 05/10/2021 09:50

Don't understand why you think it's so bad for two responsible adults to meet up to have a quiet chat without the young couple knowing about it. Is she fed-up of having him living in her home (you've said you never see him these days) and wants to see if the two of you can quietly arrange things a bit differently? Perhaps there's something she knows about her daughter that he doesn't know and she wants your advice on whether he needs to know? Perhaps her own relationship is under strain and things are going to have to change soon and she wants you to be aware of it.

Sharing information with everyone is often seen as a virtue but there's an awful lot of stuff that actually, people don't need to know/ need to be protected from.

Original poster
AndOtherStories · 05/10/2021 09:51

@Shedbuilder

Don't understand why you think it's so bad for two responsible adults to meet up to have a quiet chat without the young couple knowing about it. Is she fed-up of having him living in her home (you've said you never see him these days) and wants to see if the two of you can quietly arrange things a bit differently? Perhaps there's something she knows about her daughter that he doesn't know and she wants your advice on whether he needs to know? Perhaps her own relationship is under strain and things are going to have to change soon and she wants you to be aware of it.

Sharing information with everyone is often seen as a virtue but there's an awful lot of stuff that actually, people don't need to know/ need to be protected from.

Isn't that all stuff she should be talking to her daughter about? Or if necessary DS? I can't deal with any of it without talking to him anyway.
OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2021 09:54

I think I'd tell her next time you speak to her that you're not at all happy about keeping it from DS, and that you will have to say that you will be mentioning the contact, regardless of content.

You don't have to tell him the content of your discussions, especially if it IS something important that she doesn't want them/her DD to know about yet - but cross that bridge when you get to it!