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Original poster

Suicide ***trigger warning*** how do I keep my child alive

205 replies

Iimaginethiswillbefun · 28/09/2021 11:31

I need some help please. And please please no judgement.

My daughter is so, so unhappy. She doesn’t want to be alive. She just wants to go to bed and not wake up.

She hates everything about her life, everything she struggles at college with friendships, she is so lonely. She doesn’t want to be here.

I worry about her constantly. I’m at work and I think about her non stop. But I have to go to work I can’t afford not too.

She is on an anti depressant but it doesn’t seem to be working. I have gone back to CAMHs again but she doesn’t engage with them.

She told me she doesn’t know how much longer she will be alive for. I am a nervous wreck. And the most awful thought came to me. If she doesn’t want to be here and really doesn’t want to be here, how do I keep her here am I just torturing her by keeping her here. I’m in foods of tears even typing this. I’m at the end of my tether. More than anything I want her to see the positivity in life but she just doesn’t.

Help me and please no judgement.

OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 29/09/2021 17:58

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but have you you tried going the private counselling route and allowed her to choose her own therapist?

I wouldn't/couldn't talk to any of the NHS psychologists even though I knew I should. Just couldn't bring myself to speak.

The counsellor I picked myself though was a different story. I still couldn't always speak, at least not about anything meaningful but he asked easy questions, talked existential philosophy and astronomy with me (Venus was visible to the naked eye at the time) and sometimes just sat quietly with me. I think sometimes that those sessions where I barely spoke were just as valuable as the ones where I did. It's slower going, building a relationship with someone who doesn't talk and doesn't respond but if the therapist is talented, that bond will form nonetheless.

I open up to him now without thinking twice. It's second nature to me now and I've come a heck of a long way.

I wouldn't write therapy off just yet. Resistance is a healthy defence.

SaltySheepdog · 29/09/2021 20:48

Has she a plan for break times and lunch? If stuck what about the library or student services or the cafeteria

SaltySheepdog · 29/09/2021 20:48

Or a walk

Whysolong7 · 29/09/2021 20:53

Of course no one here would judge you.

I know it sound ridiculous but could a puppy be workable? I had a work friend in a similar situation with her daughter she latched on to a new puppy and it gave her a reason to get up in the morning and something to be around to care for. Puppy slept with her and became a ‘well being’ dog - I don’t think that’s the right term but someone in my dp’s office is allowed to take their dog to work for their well being. Take care of yourself and get as much help as you can.

Yesitsbess · 29/09/2021 21:04

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Has your dd discussed her periods with GP? My 2x dd's (14+16)have great fluctuations in their moods... Quite scarey how they change... Antidepressants can take 3 months to kick in.. I feel for you op... Ds still has me on pins every day.
Just repeating this, my daughter went through absolute hell with her periods at this age and had several acute mental health episodes which required hospitalisation.

It was a horrible, horrible time.

She now has more of an understanding of when the episodes might happen and can 'head them off' to a certain extent, as in being able to see they are something that is happening beyond her control and will pass.

I just wanted to say I have been roughly where you are and it is terrible and dark and grim. I don't know the right words to make any of it more beatable but do message me if you'd like to talk more. I don't want to say much more about what we went through on here because it would feel like betraying my daughter but I would be happy to talk to you in private.

You are both in my thoughts.

Yesitsbess · 29/09/2021 21:05

*bearable

esti234 · 30/09/2021 01:27

Hi
I'm not a mum, I'm an 18 year old girl who was in the very same position as your daughter, this time last year. I was in a tiny college where I had no close friends, and I was desperately lonely. I didn't want to live any longer, because it was too hard for me. I'd planned how and when I was going to end it. I told my parents, and I was admitted to CAMHS, which did extremely little for me - I refused medication, and the talking therapies basically amounted to the nurses trying to project my issues onto my parents, which I refused (they're great and really supportive of me, I didn't and still don't have any problems with that). I took almost an entire year out of school, and am currently retaking my final year of A Levels.
I was admitted to hospital last Christmas after an attempt, and it was there that the doctor suggested I might have ASD. I know that you wrote that your daughter already has an ASD diagnosis, and for me, it was a turning point when I received ASD-enabled treatment. My parents paid privately for a therapist who specialised in autism and ADHD, and she's been wonderful. My problems essentially stemmed from the fact that I didn't understand the world I live in - I didn't understand why people didn't want to be friends with me, why my teachers pressured me, and why I could never meet the deadlines for my work. Apparently it's really common to have an "autistic breakdown" in late teens, especially if you haven't been receiving specialist treatment for ASD.
Please find some help for your daughter that meets her needs, and isn't a "one size fits all" from CAMHS. Us autistic folk don't respond well to mental health treatment, because what we suffer from isn't actually a mental illness - it's a developmental issue. Also, help your daughter become involved in a community that feels like home for her, whether that's a religious or cultural community, or a hobby-based society, something outside of school, where the only thing the kids have in common with each other is their year of birth. She'll feel less alone when surrounded by people who are like her, and then she'll feel more able to engage in treatment that suits her.
Lastly, please be kind to yourself. I can never thank my parents enough for helping me in the way I needed, and realising that the mental health route wasn't going to work for me. It sounds as though you adore your daughter, and that love is something really special. I'm sure she appreciates it, even if she doesn't know how to express that right now.

User5827372728 · 30/09/2021 07:09

@esti234

Thank you for sharing; I am glad you are in a better place. ☺️

Coronawireless · 30/09/2021 07:47

@esti234

Hi I'm not a mum, I'm an 18 year old girl who was in the very same position as your daughter, this time last year. I was in a tiny college where I had no close friends, and I was desperately lonely. I didn't want to live any longer, because it was too hard for me. I'd planned how and when I was going to end it. I told my parents, and I was admitted to CAMHS, which did extremely little for me - I refused medication, and the talking therapies basically amounted to the nurses trying to project my issues onto my parents, which I refused (they're great and really supportive of me, I didn't and still don't have any problems with that). I took almost an entire year out of school, and am currently retaking my final year of A Levels. I was admitted to hospital last Christmas after an attempt, and it was there that the doctor suggested I might have ASD. I know that you wrote that your daughter already has an ASD diagnosis, and for me, it was a turning point when I received ASD-enabled treatment. My parents paid privately for a therapist who specialised in autism and ADHD, and she's been wonderful. My problems essentially stemmed from the fact that I didn't understand the world I live in - I didn't understand why people didn't want to be friends with me, why my teachers pressured me, and why I could never meet the deadlines for my work. Apparently it's really common to have an "autistic breakdown" in late teens, especially if you haven't been receiving specialist treatment for ASD. Please find some help for your daughter that meets her needs, and isn't a "one size fits all" from CAMHS. Us autistic folk don't respond well to mental health treatment, because what we suffer from isn't actually a mental illness - it's a developmental issue. Also, help your daughter become involved in a community that feels like home for her, whether that's a religious or cultural community, or a hobby-based society, something outside of school, where the only thing the kids have in common with each other is their year of birth. She'll feel less alone when surrounded by people who are like her, and then she'll feel more able to engage in treatment that suits her. Lastly, please be kind to yourself. I can never thank my parents enough for helping me in the way I needed, and realising that the mental health route wasn't going to work for me. It sounds as though you adore your daughter, and that love is something really special. I'm sure she appreciates it, even if she doesn't know how to express that right now.
Lovely post
leavesthataregreen · 30/09/2021 08:26

@esti234 - that is a brilliant and really insightful post. As the parent of an autistic boy who has suffered depression and told me normal therapy doesn't work (and who as a loving parent has wondered what went wrong) I find your post so helpful. It has given enormous insight to the issue. Thank you so much.

Lollipop444 · 30/09/2021 08:40

@esti234

Hi I'm not a mum, I'm an 18 year old girl who was in the very same position as your daughter, this time last year. I was in a tiny college where I had no close friends, and I was desperately lonely. I didn't want to live any longer, because it was too hard for me. I'd planned how and when I was going to end it. I told my parents, and I was admitted to CAMHS, which did extremely little for me - I refused medication, and the talking therapies basically amounted to the nurses trying to project my issues onto my parents, which I refused (they're great and really supportive of me, I didn't and still don't have any problems with that). I took almost an entire year out of school, and am currently retaking my final year of A Levels. I was admitted to hospital last Christmas after an attempt, and it was there that the doctor suggested I might have ASD. I know that you wrote that your daughter already has an ASD diagnosis, and for me, it was a turning point when I received ASD-enabled treatment. My parents paid privately for a therapist who specialised in autism and ADHD, and she's been wonderful. My problems essentially stemmed from the fact that I didn't understand the world I live in - I didn't understand why people didn't want to be friends with me, why my teachers pressured me, and why I could never meet the deadlines for my work. Apparently it's really common to have an "autistic breakdown" in late teens, especially if you haven't been receiving specialist treatment for ASD. Please find some help for your daughter that meets her needs, and isn't a "one size fits all" from CAMHS. Us autistic folk don't respond well to mental health treatment, because what we suffer from isn't actually a mental illness - it's a developmental issue. Also, help your daughter become involved in a community that feels like home for her, whether that's a religious or cultural community, or a hobby-based society, something outside of school, where the only thing the kids have in common with each other is their year of birth. She'll feel less alone when surrounded by people who are like her, and then she'll feel more able to engage in treatment that suits her. Lastly, please be kind to yourself. I can never thank my parents enough for helping me in the way I needed, and realising that the mental health route wasn't going to work for me. It sounds as though you adore your daughter, and that love is something really special. I'm sure she appreciates it, even if she doesn't know how to express that right now.
Really interesting and helpful, thanks for sharing your experience and insight
Blueberry40 · 30/09/2021 09:13

Just a hand hold from me and to say that you’re not alone. I went through a similar thing when my eldest DS was 15 to 16. Listening to him describing how he planned to end his life at the GP before he was referred to CAMHS was unbelievably painful. The self harming was also very distressing and I too spent days at work worrying he wouldn’t be alive when I got home. Nights were spent worrying and crying. It was a truly awful time and my heart goes out to you.

The only thing I can say is that my DS is 20 now and so much happier he’s like a different person. It took time and lots of hugs, lots of difficult but honest conversations, endless patience. It helped to make him feel that it was okay not to be feeling okay if that makes sense, instead of letting him see my despair and fear- just accepting that he felt this way and quietly supporting him through it helped him to feel less judged.

I hope things improve for your DD really soon and that she starts coming through it. For now, it sounds like you’re doing everything you can by being there for her as much as possible. Just never give up on hope that this will lift for her. Sending hugs OP Flowers

Gymohithoughtyousaidgin · 30/09/2021 09:18

@esti234

Hi I'm not a mum, I'm an 18 year old girl who was in the very same position as your daughter, this time last year. I was in a tiny college where I had no close friends, and I was desperately lonely. I didn't want to live any longer, because it was too hard for me. I'd planned how and when I was going to end it. I told my parents, and I was admitted to CAMHS, which did extremely little for me - I refused medication, and the talking therapies basically amounted to the nurses trying to project my issues onto my parents, which I refused (they're great and really supportive of me, I didn't and still don't have any problems with that). I took almost an entire year out of school, and am currently retaking my final year of A Levels. I was admitted to hospital last Christmas after an attempt, and it was there that the doctor suggested I might have ASD. I know that you wrote that your daughter already has an ASD diagnosis, and for me, it was a turning point when I received ASD-enabled treatment. My parents paid privately for a therapist who specialised in autism and ADHD, and she's been wonderful. My problems essentially stemmed from the fact that I didn't understand the world I live in - I didn't understand why people didn't want to be friends with me, why my teachers pressured me, and why I could never meet the deadlines for my work. Apparently it's really common to have an "autistic breakdown" in late teens, especially if you haven't been receiving specialist treatment for ASD. Please find some help for your daughter that meets her needs, and isn't a "one size fits all" from CAMHS. Us autistic folk don't respond well to mental health treatment, because what we suffer from isn't actually a mental illness - it's a developmental issue. Also, help your daughter become involved in a community that feels like home for her, whether that's a religious or cultural community, or a hobby-based society, something outside of school, where the only thing the kids have in common with each other is their year of birth. She'll feel less alone when surrounded by people who are like her, and then she'll feel more able to engage in treatment that suits her. Lastly, please be kind to yourself. I can never thank my parents enough for helping me in the way I needed, and realising that the mental health route wasn't going to work for me. It sounds as though you adore your daughter, and that love is something really special. I'm sure she appreciates it, even if she doesn't know how to express that right now.
I love this. How supportive. And well done You for speaking up. Glad things got better for you
Ijsbear · 30/09/2021 09:47

esti thank you so much for that post, am struggling with my autistic teen son.

Bowtie292 · 30/09/2021 20:20

esti234 what a wonderful post. If you ever have the opportunity to help others who are struggling as you did then please please grab it, we need more of you in the world. Many thanks.

Zcqsgcr · 09/10/2021 13:17

Hi like esti234 said ASD is also a possibility , my daughter overdosed on paracetamol as a teenager. Has severe anxiety, depression, fabricated illness (to get out of school as it was too much), eating disorder, no friends.

We went through mental health services with adult and child, in both she never responded, they told her she was too intelligent for support.... She new something wasn't "right" with her and she found therapy annoying and not helpful, but she did want help, so she went to a private therapist, within weeks the therapist suggested ASD.

Subsequently had an assessment, it has changed her life! She set up a website for women on the spectrum called aspiringtobeu.com (very proud, now been mentioned in newspapers and research journals). Like esti234 said, ASD could be something to explore, and it presents very differently in girls and women. I would never have though dd was ASD, it wasn't until teenage years that the mental turmoil she was going through became apparent.

Original poster
Iimaginethiswillbefun · 18/10/2021 21:08

Hi all

I thought I would update as I’ve had some lovely kind messages from people. Unfortunately a couple I’ve only just seen as the inbox message icon thing only just appeared. I have taken lots of advice.

Dd has dropped one of her a levels that she was particularly struggling with and has taken an easier subject instead. She has also joined a club after school on the promise that if she gave it a go I would buy her an anime figure she had been eyeing for weeks.
She has also got a Saturday job which I’m hoping will help to turn her around. Thank you so much for all your good wishes I hope we are finally turning a corner.

OP posts:
needtogetfit21 · 19/10/2021 07:29

Just RTFT. All the best OP, wishing you both lots of luck. Sounds like things could be really changing now Smile

sashh · 19/10/2021 07:35

Thanks for the update OP

Glad things seem to be getting better.

I don't know if anyone else has suggested this but it's worth asking, "Do you want to be dead or do you want the pain to stop?"

I know that can sound trite, I don't mean it.

I was also a suicidal teen in a VI form I didn't want to be in and I'm fairly sure I have ASD, Esti worded her post so well. I could almost feel myself in her post.

Muttly · 19/10/2021 08:03

Hi OP I just read the whole thread including your update and I am so glad things have improved for you.

We had this this summer with our also 16 year old. It was complex and multi factorial for DD. I have a son with ASD and DD shows many, many traits and I strongly suspect she has it too but in many ways is very high functioning. Like your DD mine really felt her gap in social understanding at this stage and she was feeling really lonely. DD wouldn’t open up to us because there was very serious stuff going on in the background which also worsened her isolation and loneliness.

The things that helped DD:

A positive focus on social interaction and positive attainment, helping her to be able to generate feelings of purpose and enjoyment. It was a slow process and it took a lot of time and energy from both DD and myself. My role was to support her and guide her, her role was to figure out what the problems were and what things she actually enjoyed in life.

Boosting social contact still at an ASD manageable level but more than she was doing helped.

We had an excellent psychologist who had a background in trauma and although DD refused point blank to discuss any trauma with her, there was a lot of background family trauma underlying her suicidal ideation, the therapist still used a toolbox of tricks for dealing with trauma that she gave DD which really helped.

Addressing black and white rigid thinking. DD had times where she had been happier in the past and even had happier times while all of this was going on. She couldn’t and wouldn’t see them when they were over and was completely fixed that she was eternally unhappy. Addressing this was slow and unbelievably emotionally draining for her and for me and her therapist really helped here but over time we were able to make progress.

Reading lots and lots about DDs likely experiences helped me to understand a bit better what she was experiencing and there were times it helped me to help her put words on the experiences.

I was definitely a fundamental part of the problem at the start (I was trying to process my own serious trauma) but I was able to become a part of the solution over time too.

Have you considered therapy for yourself. The whole experience was unbelievably difficult for me to deal with I would have been lost without some support for me too at times. There are charities out there who answer calls and are trained in this area specifically so it doesn’t have to cost.

Leasa83 · 09/11/2023 11:06

Hi I know this post is old but do you have an update on your daughter please?

Original poster
Iimaginethiswillbefun · 12/11/2023 22:48

@Leasa83 hi thank you for checking in.

She is now at uni, quite a local one but it staying in halls so I go down and visit her a couple of times in the week. She comes home at weekends but spends the weekend in bed. She has found some friends in an anime society at the uni.

I got her into therapy but she didn’t want engage with it. She still requires a huge amount of care and I worry about her every single day. I cannot put my hand on my heart and say I think she is safe yet, I wish I could. I see a glimmer of hope every now and again.

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 12/11/2023 22:53

I'm sorry for all your heartache, OP.

Mirrormeback · 13/11/2023 01:31

That's great she's in Uni

I used to host foreign students a few years ago

Every single one of them no matter what country they were from would spend the weekends sleeping in all day

I think they were just drained from their weekday routine going into to college and studying that the weekend was their only time to recharge their batteries

So what I'm saying is it's pretty normal to slew a lot at the weekends

Balonziaga · 13/11/2023 14:41

Great that she is in Uni - although I understand that the change of Uni comes with it's own set of challenges.

You are doing so well OP - you've kept her going this long and you are still there catching her. My DD struggles and has also just started Uni. It isn't easy - we get lots of calls saying she hates it and has no friends etc etc, but every now and then she tells us about a night out or we call and she is cooking with her flatmates/watching a film with people or something - and I think she is okay. She is okay.

Those moments will hopefully become more and more common and one day you will realise that they are the new norm. In the meantime, try and encourage her to at least make herself known to any of the student support/pastoral/mental health support that the Uni offers - that way, if she does feel like she is sinking or having a crisis, it won't be so hard for her to engage with them quickly. They will be familiar to her.