Suicide ***trigger warning*** how do I keep my child alive

[Iimaginethiswillbefun]

I need some help please. And please please no judgement.

My daughter is so, so unhappy. She doesn’t want to be alive. She just wants to go to bed and not wake up.

She hates everything about her life, everything she struggles at college with friendships, she is so lonely. She doesn’t want to be here.

I worry about her constantly. I’m at work and I think about her non stop. But I have to go to work I can’t afford not too.

She is on an anti depressant but it doesn’t seem to be working. I have gone back to CAMHs again but she doesn’t engage with them.

She told me she doesn’t know how much longer she will be alive for. I am a nervous wreck. And the most awful thought came to me. If she doesn’t want to be here and really doesn’t want to be here, how do I keep her here am I just torturing her by keeping her here. I’m in foods of tears even typing this. I’m at the end of my tether. More than anything I want her to see the positivity in life but she just doesn’t.

Help me and please no judgement.

@Iimaginethiswillbefun

No she doesn’t have an EHCP. I have asked the head of year at college is there any anime groups or groups for introverted people.

Most of the time when I try and set things up she point blank refuses to try. So for example comic con I said I would buy tickets and she said no she doesn’t like loud open spaces. She shoots down everything I suggest.

With respect, OP, a suicidally depressed person is not going to up for joining a new group or attending a big event.

You need to drastically reduce your expectations. Follow the excellent advice on this thread, follow advice on parenting teens with ASD and mental health issues, contact Young Minds and NAS. And focus on the very small things to help your DD with her mental health. See if you can persuade her to go out for a short walk with you each day. Get her favourite foods (I know you said her diet is limited). Does she like music?
Try to talk to the GP about her meds, depending on how long she's been taking them she might need to give it a bit longer, or increase the dose, or switch to something else.

@Iimaginethiswillbefun

Her diet is very restrictive she only eats a few things. She has very set subjects that she enjoys.

I’ve suggested she try and find people who are into anime etc but she is so
Lethargic she doesn’t want to do anything

Hi, my daughter is 15 and likes anime and she also suffers with mental health. Maybe they could be friends?

I mean this kindly but if you're crying at work because you're worried about what she will do when she's alone then I don't think trying to find an interest for her is going to work at this stage. By all means, encourage and even force her to have interests when her depression is at a level where she is engaging with the world. But that doesn't sound where she is atm.
If you are genuinely concerned she will act on her thoughts, take her to A&E, push for a psych evaluation and admittance. We had to do this with my niece. She wasn't admitted but the psych evaluation was very helpful for her. She then started counselling. It was a slow process but she is now able to function again and the suicide ideation seems to have abated. With my friend, we called the police because she was making real and concrete threats. She was given a psych evaluation, admitted to hospital and only released when the episode had ended and a care plan was in place.
I second PPs who suggested you need support. Make an appointment with your GP. If they recommend sick leave, then take it

Equine therapy. If unaffordable could she volunteer at an animal centre, equine, cats dogs etc. They are always looking for dedicated people.

Op I'm in the exact same situation. I don't have advice at the moment as yet again I'm searching for something that might help but I just wanted to post to say you're not alone and pm if you ever need to talk.

@Iimaginethiswillbefun I am in a very similar situation so please have a hand-hold.

If you use Facebook please join a private group called 'Parenting Mental Health' This is an incredible means of support to me. You are not alone and thousands of other parents (sadly) are walking the same path.

I would second changing the meds. SSRIs are not always very effective for those with ASD but it's worth trying something different.

An interest in Japanese culture/anime is very common in ASD circles. Trying watching some documentaries or series about them, there is one at least on most of the channels/subscriptions.

Is she going to college? There's no shame in her taking time out to focus on her mental health. It's very hard as a parent but it really isn't that important right now.

I have had similar thoughts about my own child, am I being selfish in fighting every day to keep them here? It's a dark thought and pretty taboo but it comes from love and I understand completely. Hugs x

@rocklamp your insight is invaluable, thank you.

Not a solution but just a suggestion to go alongside the others, has she ever contacted Childline? They offer 1-2-1 online chats 24 hrs if shes not up to talking on the phone and provide an outlet for her to speak freely and confidentially about whatever she likes, at her own pace. If she is actively suicidal then confidentially will be broken but suicidal thoughts would remain confidential. They provide an invaluable service to young people who are struggling.

So sorry OP that sounds unimaginably hard.

A friend recently told me about zero suicide alliance www.zerosuicidealliance.com.

‘We provide free suicide prevention training that teaches people how to identify, understand and help someone who may be experiencing suicidal thoughts.’

I can’t read and run. This is so desperately sad and all I can offer you is a hand hold 💐 your DD could call the Samaritans. It’s a non judgemental space and to speak to a faceless stranger may help. I used to volunteer with them and they are very very good at what they do

[quote Iimaginethiswillbefun]@Sowingbees thank you for saying that I feel like the most evil disgusting person to have these thoughts about my own child.[/quote]
I don't have answers - I wish I did, but a dear friend is going through exactly the same thing with her daughter, and having exactly the same thoughts.
You're not evil and disgusting at all - you love your daughter beyond anything, and are listening to what she is telling you is the best thing for her. That makes you a wonderful mother. I hope that you are able to get the help in place that she needs to see that it is not the best thing for her and that it is an illness telling her that. But you're not evil and disgusting. You're trying to be the best mother you can be in truly dreadful circumstances.

Does she have a plan? You need to acertain how serious she is about killing herself. If the answer is yes, take her straight to hospital. If not really then push for support from community mental health services. Get her to log her mood and have a set routine every day which involves her getting up, and out for a bit. If necessary could you take some emergency time off work to sort out some long-term support for her, it sounds like she needs this.

Thing is I do understand you will try anything....
Is there any chance she is smoking weed? My DS was and it contributed to his psychosis. It can really mess with their heads if they feel so unwell already.
I will also echo other advice...
Try and keep an eye on her when you can (know where she is)
No access to medicine cabinet/ drawer etc.
Keep knives locked away.
Keep things as light as you can without being dismissive.

I am so so sorry to read this OP. I've been in a similar position with my own DD and I think there's probably no feeling like it. The utter desperation you feel to help and take all their pain away. I don't have any words of wisdom but I didn't want to just scroll past xxxx

@Iimaginethiswillbefun

www.nhs.uk/Services/hospitals/Overview/DefaultView.aspx?id=33054

I'm so so sorry
I work in Nottingham for the nhs but we refer people here it's a residential into and they get very good outcomes

Speak to your GP and ask for a referral xxxxxx

Op, I have been where you are and really feel for you and what you are going through. My dd is also autistic and was suicidal from about the age of 14 to 19, with a particularly bad phase from 16-17. Even now at 22, although she is doing well, she sometimes talks about suicide as a possibility.
Things that helped:

• as others have said, lock away any tablets, knives, bleach etc
• keep going back to the GP. I would sometimes go on my own to discuss her (she had to give permission for this but initially the dr would say they couldn't discuss her but they could listen and comment). Our GP would then pester CAMHS, who were pretty useless but it made my dd feel someone was taking her seriously. I would ask for a change of medication. Sertraline did not work for my dd, and actually made her feel worse.
• high doses of B vitamins made a noticeable difference to mood generally
• 'experts' at CAMHS advised me not to discuss her thoughts with her but to distract. I ignored this, and my dd has since told me I was right to do so. I cant believe some of the discussions we had about suicide, and it was so hard not to cry or get emotional but she needed to explain how she felt and discuss why her life was so awful. This led to the potential impact on those who cared about her - she really believed we would all be better off without her and I was able to tell her all the reasons this wasn't true. At one stage we went online and looked up the effect of suicide on those left behind. Once she felt safe telling me how she felt, we were able to negotiate - suicide was kept as an option, but we agreed on 'gateposts' such as she would wait until after my birthday so that wasn't ruined. Then as that date approached we would find something else she had to do such as the dog's birthday, or a visit to Grandma. It seemed to keep her going. It really annoyed her that people at CAMHS would shut her down when she tried to talk about her feelings. This may not apply in your case, but I do think you have to follow your instincts to keep her safe.
• my dd did not even attempt school or college when in this state. Like you i had to work but through long discussions she agreed never to kill herself when I was at work as she didn't want me to have to live with the guilt. I had to make myself believe her.
• I spent a lot of time just being along side her watching videos etc. Also doing childhood things like colouring, playing basic games, doing sequin art kits etc. Nothing too difficult, just mindless activity.

I don't know if any of that would help, others have suggested some very good websites for other ideas. One to add is your local branch of the National Autistic Society. Hang in there x

Could not read and run - you are not awful in any way. What you are going through is every mother's fear

If you think your daughter is in danger of actually attempting suicide you need her sectioned and fast.
It's about buying time now, the way she's feeling will not last forever but death will last.
Unfortunately I've had a lot to do with the after effects of suicide with multiple strangers and its an impulsive thought and seconds away from a successful attempt, it causes complete devastation.

Depending how far down the scale of rough she feels, she probsbly feels numb to the world and will not be thinking rationally, there isn't a quick fix but I and others I know have been where she is and come back. If she's allowed to take the next step there is no coming back.

Have you checked the side effects of the medication she’s on?

I think you deserve counselling for yourself to help you to deal with not knowing what to say. It's a huge burden thinking that you have to keep her alive. The responsibility has to be shared between you/ medical services/ social services.

If someone told you "This is what we expect you to do, but this is what you can't do" , then you would know what the bottom line is and what you can't be expected to change on your own - and what, in fact, nobody can be expected to change for another person.

She is young and doesn't have a realistic understanding of life, and so therefore, in my opinion, she needs to be protected from.herself and helped to get over this hump so that she can enjoy life again, once she has learnt some better coping strategies. But this is the job of the mental health services.....not you on your own. Ideally, all the professionals and you would be getting together on Teams or face-to-face , to discuss progress and which strategies to try. Maybe the diagnosis should be looked at, for instance ADD can present as depression.

I don’t think it would s selfish at all to want what is best for your child. You want to make her life better but you do no have the tools to do it. We never know the right words or actions to help especially when the child feels that death is the only answer.

I don’t know if she would consider talking to the Samaritans, but I have found them a life line quite literally. Are you aware that you can talk to Samaritans too. They are amazing for listening and you can be completely honest with them.

I'm pleased to see a couple of posters mention the link between ADD and depression. It's an actual thing and standard ADs don't work in that case. I recommend joining the Parents of children with ADHD Facebook group and speaking to some of the parents on there who may be able to point you towards a good supportive NHS consultant who can prescribe some medication that will work.

My DD is now 19 and has been ill and off school for almost 6 years now. We collect medical diagnoses like Pokemon cards. She has ASD, ADD, ME, POTS, MCAS, EDS, anxiety, PTSD and bipolar depression and I have a spreadsheet for her medication schedule and can only just fit in on one A4 sheet.

I know how exhausting it is and how in your darker moments you feel that an end to their suffering wouldn't be such a bad thing. It's heartbreaking to witness, but just focus on the future when she's better and living a happier life. In the meantime, hang in there and know that you're doing your best.

Sorry if this is a naive or unhelpful comment but could you change her/your life completely? Could you move? Would a completely new start make a difference do you think? Or worsen things?

From my limited albeit very recent experience of a teen committing suicide I would say it's the ones that don't say anything that you need to worry about the most. So DD talking about suicide or not wanting to live is still DD talking.
Have you explored italk? Exercise classes together? It's an extremely difficult time for teens her age anyway, add on the effects of covid and isolation and there will be many with a similar situation to you.
Can you overly interfere to find her a job? Or talk to other parents to find some friends for her?
That fear when you are at work and not knowing what you'll come home to is very very stressful.
Try to work on her self esteem and isolation. Throw money at it if you can.
You have my sympathy it's a very tough time. I've been there and we came out the other side. Others i know were not so lucky .

@Iimaginethiswillbefun

To give a brief overview sorry I’m at work

She has a diagnosis of ADD and ASD.
Her father left us when she was very young she doesn’t have a very good relationship with him
She is on medication for ADD and depression - setraline

She has always found life difficult however as she is getting older and her peers are leaping ahead she is finding things more and more difficult

I have found myself in a position of helping with a young person who is in much the same position as your daughter, except she is now 28. I am feeling my way with the situation so to speak. In the person I am talking about, she needs more help and support from her fairly large family. And needs more things to fill her time.

I havent read all of the posts on this thread, but one said about giving your daughter a change of view from her bedroom.

My post isnt your DDs full answer to her problems, but hope it does help a bit.

Are they sure it’s depression OP? My anxiety (which can get really bad) also manifests like this. Might be worth going back to the GP and seeing if another type of med would work.