Suicide ***trigger warning*** how do I keep my child alive

[Iimaginethiswillbefun]

I need some help please. And please please no judgement.

My daughter is so, so unhappy. She doesn’t want to be alive. She just wants to go to bed and not wake up.

She hates everything about her life, everything she struggles at college with friendships, she is so lonely. She doesn’t want to be here.

I worry about her constantly. I’m at work and I think about her non stop. But I have to go to work I can’t afford not too.

She is on an anti depressant but it doesn’t seem to be working. I have gone back to CAMHs again but she doesn’t engage with them.

She told me she doesn’t know how much longer she will be alive for. I am a nervous wreck. And the most awful thought came to me. If she doesn’t want to be here and really doesn’t want to be here, how do I keep her here am I just torturing her by keeping her here. I’m in foods of tears even typing this. I’m at the end of my tether. More than anything I want her to see the positivity in life but she just doesn’t.

Help me and please no judgement.

Is she eating? What's her diet like? Restrictive? Is she getting any sunlight or exercise? Online much?

I do believe that life is too difficult for some people. My family has a lot of mental health issues, and the complexity of life can be overwhelming for some. Not everyone can be 'fixed', but she is loved, that's a good thing. Start with the small and hopefully you can build on that.

Some really good advice just in these two pages so far. Don’t give up on her, she is far too young and may feel very differently later. Push and push for good medical care obviously - also for some changes in her life if at all possible to jolt her out of her current groove. Some travel? Book a holiday where there is activity involved, moving about, not just sitting around and relaxing. Push/force her to engage with a physically active group of some kind…eg relating to animals as pps have suggested? Horses maybe? - more labour-intensive than cats which may be what she needs. Set her a defined and specific goal to achieve…so, not just “help climate change” or something woolly like that but “join the local beach clean-up” or “climb your local mountain” or “train for, and run, a half marathon for charity”.
I’m making it sound easy. I know it is far more difficult and complicated than that and I’m sure there’s a lot of background. My heart goes out to you. Good luck!

@Iimaginethiswillbefun

To give a brief overview sorry I’m at work

She has a diagnosis of ADD and ASD.
Her father left us when she was very young she doesn’t have a very good relationship with him
She is on medication for ADD and depression - setraline

She has always found life difficult however as she is getting older and her peers are leaping ahead she is finding things more and more difficult

I thought you might say that. It's unfortunately so common to see this, especially at this kind of age. Is she in a mainstream college or something a bit more specialist?

Her diet is very restrictive she only eats a few things. She has very set subjects that she enjoys.

I’ve suggested she try and find people who are into anime etc but she is so
Lethargic she doesn’t want to do anything

I see a pp also suggested travel. Put a sea between you and your troubles and all that.

I understand that but please I don’t have money for travel or private therapists I wish I did.

I teach at a sixth form college so would definitely suggest that you contact college (or urge your daughter to). We have well being support at college and some counselling support. So many students go through similar and it is heartbreaking to see. I have seen students begin to overcome these issues over the course of a few years and it is really rewarding to see that but of course it must be awful for you and her at the moment - going through something so hard.

Does she attend college? Has she just started? If so it is very early days - most students will just be beginning to make friends.
Sending best wishes to you both.

Re travel: Even if you could plan something together for the future. Get her to research and book, based on a budget.

I suffered terrible depression for about a year when I was a teenager. It did pass as suddenly as it came.
Im so sorry you are going through this, it must be terrifying as a parent. All I can suggest is to be a friend to her (im not usually in the parents as friends camp but in this case maybe its friends she needs right now)

I went through major depression as a teen and even though I still have waves of it it is far more manageable, there is hope.

My triggers were being severely bullied through school and I was still in contact with my bullies/friends after school. My Dad had bipolar and was an alcoholic so home life was sometimes unbearable too plus the pressure of further education to get the grades I needed for uni.

I saw uni as a potential escape from the life I was living and was absolutely correct as moving 100 miles away from home gave me space from my two main triggers, father and "friends". I still sometimes struggled with the coursework but managed a 2:1 without any additional support (because I didn't know I could access any)

Basically is her depression purely chemical or is there anything about her life that could change to make her life worth living? Uni was that light at the end of the tunnel for me but also my Mum finally leaving my father when I was 16 helped immensely (and I had a better relationship with my father after the split) and distance from the toxic group of friends/bullies.

@Iimaginethiswillbefun

Her diet is very restrictive she only eats a few things. She has very set subjects that she enjoys.

I’ve suggested she try and find people who are into anime etc but she is so
Lethargic she doesn’t want to do anything

And rather than “suggest she tries to find..” She is only 16!! You need to find them for her, arrange for her to be there and take her there yourself. For weeks or months if necessary. This is what you need to do!!

@Legdaysucks

So sorry, what an awful time you must be going through. You must be worried out of your mind. If you haven't already, please try Papyrus who work on prevention of young suicide. They run a free help line for confidential support and practical advice for people in your situation.

www.papyrus-uk.org/hopelineuk

I hope this helps.

I Second this, they are a wonderful organisation. Thinking of you OP.

My daughter is the same. I had to reassess everything I do in response to her. It is so hard and every child will be different. My dd is completely overwhelmed by life and school etc I try and preempt the panics and keep her calm. My dd cannot articulate why she feels the way she does. She was assessed for asd but did not reach the threshold. At some points she would not get out of bed or leave the house but now will go out with friends and is a complete delight when she is well. Don’t give up on her (I know you won’t but is know sometimes it feels like you should). Start small find the tiniest glimpse of joy and gently build on it. I spend a lot of time in bed with her just watching shite TikTok’s and cuddling the dog. Lower your expectations and good luck xxx

Does she play an instrument? Engaging in extracurriculars might help while you find some bona fide support. Volunteering at a cat sanctuary?

Having read your latest update OP,it sounds as though you need support in order to support your daughter.

I've linked some orgs further up thread for you to look at and I'm flagging up the Samaritans too

www.samaritans.org/

They can be a real support so they maybe worth your while talking to to help you sort your way through this.

Hey, I've been on both sides of the fence. Anti depressants help but they only cover up the underlying problem. When you hate your very bones to the core it's an awful place to be in. You sleep hoping to hibernate and you pray your body will fail you and you can die, your mind hates your body for keeping it alive. Everything is hopeless and the more you hate yourself the more you feel worthless and you complete your self fulfilling prophecy of - I'm worthless and I deserve to die. She may feel like she's a waste of space and she'll bring everyone around her down - that's how I felt. If she see's a counsellor she may feel that she'll ruin their life and she isn't worth a counsellors time. You can have a pity party for one and go on one hell of a bender.
This life isn't working for your daughter, eat, sleep repeat isn't working. Can you take time off and take her places, Maybe a cat cafe? Counselling can help but it takes a bit to be of use. This is what I came up with to help myself - I hope it helps your daughter, all my best wishes...
I had to realise energy cannot be created or destroyed, there will always be an equal amount of energy in the universe from the day it's started until the day it ends, there’s energy in your head, a lot of it is negative. It wont always be, that energy in your head has the potential to be neutral or even positive one day. Kids have loads or neurons and have lots of neural connections that’s why their brains are like sponges. Even as adults its slower but we can create new neural pathways and neural connections. Our minds have Neural plasticity – it’s like Plasticine, it can be moulded like a damp tea towel, at the moment it might be wrapped around a bad situation and formed in a negative shape, your brain has flexibility and can!!! Hopefully wrap itself around a positive situation and form a happier shape. People are always saying you are what you eat, it’s exactly the same for your brain, you need to give it positive input negative words and unkind thought breed and replicate in our minds and we can form negative downward spiral loops of thinking. Let some positive words in there, positive words can float about and rattle in their somewhere!

Young minds have a wealth of resources op. I'm in a similar boat with my asd son.

www.youngminds.org.uk

Hello there,
I am terribly sorry that you and your daughter are having such an awful time.
I know that 'When I...' stories aren't always useful, so I apologise in advance if this is not of any value.
I had severe depression for some time and couldn't see 'the point', when a gp told me - depression is an illness like every other one you have had and receovered from, you will recover from this one. Please allow yourself time to make that recovery.
It wasn't earth shattering, but it stuck with me and made me give myself the time I needed. I recovered and this is the one thing I say to folk who share with me their depression.
I hope brighter days are ahead for you and your daughter

Your feelings stem from compassion for your daughter please don’t beat yourself up about it.

@Iimaginethiswillbefun

I feel like a terrible person to say this but my thought pattern is who am I to keep her alive when she desperately wants to be dead.

You're not a terrible person. We lost a family member to suicide and we had always known that he wouldn't live to be old.

Everybody tried as much as they could but he just genuinely didn't want to be alive. He said things like "living is so hard" and if there were conversations about being older, he was always very vague and said things like "I don't think it will happen, I just can't see it".

He died when he was 26 and it was a relief to know that he wasn't having to struggle through it all now, and it stopped his parents literally waiting for the phone call day in and day out.

Feeling as though you're forcing her to stay alive just for your benefit is not an unreasonable feeling and you are trying to the best of your ability to help.

Suicide is an incredible niche, and the 'normal' rules of illness don't really apply. If you are dealing with someone who has made multiple attempts to end their life or talks about it often you also begin to grieve while they are still alive, you grieve for who they could have been, who they are, who you wanted them to be, and for what may happen.

Try to get some therapy for yourself if you are able, it will help you in your process.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I've been through something a little similar when my DS was physically unwell and I just wanted to say that I understand the sheer hell of worrying about your child, when it consumes your every thought (even through the night). The world carries on around you and you're living in this bubble of torment. Every smile is fake, every laugh because you can't feel any happiness knowing that they're not happy but you have to try and go to work and carry on as normal. That feeling of absolute sick and dread which turns to numbness in the pit of your stomach. It's dreadful to live with. You live your DC's pain because you love them so much and to watch the one thing you love most in the whole world suffer is so incredibly cruel. I'm with you, I understand it and there's others out there living with it too. Keep going, keep loving her, one day the cloud will lift and the sun will shine again. We'll find a way xx

Can I ask if the suicidal feelings started after she began the sertraline? It’s just that certain SSRIs can create or intensity suicidal ideation.
Just a thought.
Sorry you and your daughter are having such an awful time.

Intensify not intensity

I'm so so sorry to hear this. I could be looking at this from completely the wrong angle, but has she been assessed for bipolar? I know bipolar depression is hard to treat and traditional antidepressant's don't always 'work' in the same way as they would usually. It tends to manifest in late teens for the first time. But of course if she won't engage, it's hard to even know or take those first steps. I really hope she hangs in there with your clear love and support.