Suicide ***trigger warning*** how do I keep my child alive

[Iimaginethiswillbefun]

I need some help please. And please please no judgement.

My daughter is so, so unhappy. She doesn’t want to be alive. She just wants to go to bed and not wake up.

She hates everything about her life, everything she struggles at college with friendships, she is so lonely. She doesn’t want to be here.

I worry about her constantly. I’m at work and I think about her non stop. But I have to go to work I can’t afford not too.

She is on an anti depressant but it doesn’t seem to be working. I have gone back to CAMHs again but she doesn’t engage with them.

She told me she doesn’t know how much longer she will be alive for. I am a nervous wreck. And the most awful thought came to me. If she doesn’t want to be here and really doesn’t want to be here, how do I keep her here am I just torturing her by keeping her here. I’m in foods of tears even typing this. I’m at the end of my tether. More than anything I want her to see the positivity in life but she just doesn’t.

Help me and please no judgement.

What about one of those animal therapy places? You know, where people go and work with animals. They are specifically for people wiht MH issues, including those with ASD.

I realise she may be too distressed to try but if she can get into inpatients maybe it could become part of her care plan at some point?

I really think take her to A and E. It’s hard, but say you can’t keep her safe and you both need help urgently. Definitely check she’s on the right medication. I really feel for you. I hope you get the help and support that you need in rl . 💐💐💐

Op sorry to hear your daughter is so rock bottom. My DS just 17 has been like this since Christmas. It is soul destroying because you just can’t get through to them how much they have to look forward to.
I found a letter, accidentally, from DS, it was a suicide note. He was at a party when I found it so I texted him. I remembered seeing advice given on MN on how to deal with it so asked him when and how he was planning to kill himself. Fortunately he texted back that he’d changed his mind and that I wasn’t meant to see the note. The advice is that if they tell you when and how then you need to panic.
It is like walking on a tightrope, I am hoping that DS’s mental health improves now he is able to play his beloved rugby again. He has always found it an outlet for the build up of aggression. He has really missed his social life over the last 2yrs but has started to go to parties and enjoy himself. He has a girlfriend which helps but sometimes causes some regression. I just hope that he keeps making progress. He is reluctant to talk to anyone on a professional level but has had some genuine support from his friends. Maybe the one thing that has come out of lockdown is the ability of boys to talk about their feelings without being judged.
We have let him do a lot of things we may have been reluctant to do if covid hadn’t happened. Festivals, parties, drinking and trips away with friends without parental supervision. He has made a real step up taking responsibility for himself and those he is with. I hope he is starting to feel that his life is important and that people need him.
All that time isolated from everyone has resulted in a lot of midteens feeling disconnected and unwanted. It’s also a big leap as a parent to let go, it would have been a gradual process without Covid. Now we are going from 14 to 16 overnight.

I saw a thing on BBC this morning about parents who had lost teens to suicide. Papyrus was the organisation which was on talking. They may be able to support you.
As far as thinking "Am I cruel to keep her here?" I think this is an aspect of suicide that is not given enough discussion. While in no way am I advocating suicide, but people often say "permanent solution to a temporary problem". But what if its not temporary? What if it can't be fixed? What if we are asking them to struggle on in pain to save our pain? What if its not the person who commits suicide who is selfish what if we are the selfish ones?
My daughter has quite severe anxiety at times and ED. I know her anxiety is for life. She has suicidal idealation. I'd do anything to take it away from her but I can't, and neither it seems can the medical field.

Does she have EHCP
You might be able to access a different kind of therapy that is less demanding for her. e.g. a farm with animal therapy or art therapy. Educational Equality is a helpful FB group for all things EHCP and generally parent to parent support and advice.

My son is 16 ASD, and responded well to fluoxetine but therapy has not been possible until recently.

@Iimaginethiswillbefun

I feel like a terrible person to say this but my thought pattern is who am I to keep her alive when she desperately wants to be dead.

I don't think you're terrible to think this, I understand where you're coming from, it is out of love for your child. It is so sad that is how she feels and that she can't or won't talk about it.

There are some amazing Mental Health / Suicide prevention Charities that may be able to help? What area are you from? I could get in touch with a local Suicide Prevention Charity that I am involved with who may be able to recommend someone in your area.

Is she on any birth control pill? Sometimes, the hormones can effect people mentally. What is her diet like? That has a huge effect on mental health. I know that depression is very difficult to treat, but has she tried exercise and diet? These effect the chemicals and hormones in your body and sometimes that is enough to improve mental health...along with perhaps a person specialised in mental support. Sometimes, people need to take medication to help.

My niece was really helped by counsellors. It took her a year to work through issues but she’s very happy now.

Lastly if you know of any previous friendships in primary or secondary school try and Support her to reconnect with individuals.

Alternatively seek advice and help from a local autism support group. There might be some groups running for autistic teens or parents

Also consider exercising together for endorphins.

Consider if she’s getting enough sleep

I felt suicidal in my early 30s. I was miserable. I eventually tried but the minute I did I realised I didn't want to be dead - I wanted things to be different. It was a real revelation, and although things didn't miraculously change, my mind shifted into a better direction.

Looking back at that now, 35 years later, had I died I would never have experienced the wonderful and happy times I had later on. Yes I have had trying times too, and chronic illness now, but I wouldn't want to change any of that. Also I realised just how dreadfully selfish suicide is. There's no thought for how anyone else will feel, just the wish to be gone.

I am not sure how you could change your daughter's mind, except to tell her that the coming years will be better, and how far more joy and experiences than she can imagine right now. Certainly you must believe that, you cannot also go down the dark path with her.

It sounds as though she had completely shut down and my heart goes out to you both.
Maybe get her to A&E to see the MH Crisis Team? She may need a review of her medication if she's in such a desperate place.
Would Art Therapy help? If you bought some supplies for her....paint/canvas etc would she be able to express how she feels through artwork
I can't imagine what you as her Mum is going through and it must be so hard for you to see her so unhappy.
Sending you both love

Hi, your situation sounds incredibly difficult but not entirely uncommon in girls with ASD. Trying to fit in is exhausting when it is like a foreign language to you. I think the most difficult set of circumstances are for girls who are socially motivated but are aware enough to know they are not getting it right.
I work in this area so I can give you a few general pointers. Shifting to understanding that the environment needs to be a good fit rather than your daughter 'fitting in' is the way forward. College can be a make or break situation- where it works well, young people 'find their tribe' at last and understand that they can have friends within the limitations of what they want. This tends to work best when they are doing a course consistent with their interest (animation, coding, art....cliches I know but true) where there will naturally be similar people with similar interpersonal needs. Also, a provision where there is support for ASD students, and again, this varies hugely but when done well is life changing.
I often see girls with very low mood and reinforcing that their 'tribe' is out there, but will take a bit more finding can help.
Re CAMHS- could you ask them to try to engage by video, phone or even email as a first step? Change is really hard for ASD young people and maybe college has just been overwhelming for your daughter. it's hard enough not to catastrophise in such situation, but double difficult if you have very rigid thinking. Strip everything back and offer your daughter small, immediate rewards (whatever it is she is into) for very small steps- getting out of bed, getting washed in the first instance. See how that goes, but don't discount taking your daughter to A&E if you are concerned for her safety and don't feel you can keep her safe.

No she doesn’t have an EHCP.
I have asked the head of year at college is there any anime groups or groups for introverted people.

Most of the time when I try and set things up she point blank refuses to try. So for example comic con I said I would buy tickets and she said no she doesn’t like loud open spaces. She shoots down everything I suggest.

@Happylittlethoughts

I saw a thing on BBC this morning about parents who had lost teens to suicide. Papyrus was the organisation which was on talking. They may be able to support you. As far as thinking "Am I cruel to keep her here?" I think this is an aspect of suicide that is not given enough discussion. While in no way am I advocating suicide, but people often say "permanent solution to a temporary problem". But what if its not temporary? What if it can't be fixed? What if we are asking them to struggle on in pain to save our pain? What if its not the person who commits suicide who is selfish what if we are the selfish ones? My daughter has quite severe anxiety at times and ED. I know her anxiety is for life. She has suicidal idealation. I'd do anything to take it away from her but I can't, and neither it seems can the medical field.

there are many ways that anxiety and depression can be and are successfully treated.

Often it can be a long road, and it may take lots of different approaches, and may require a lot of help and support, but it's not a life sentence by any means.

What happens if you keep asking questions?

What if nobody in this situation is selfish?

What if it's not any kind of a solution?

What if 'the medical field' is very wide and covers a lot of different approaches, many of which you've not yet happened upon?

to you, Happy.

Have you thought that she might be entitled to DLA and later on PIP, and you might be entitled to carers allowance...that might help with finances to enable you to take time off?

She doesn't have an incurable illness no matter how it feels at the moment. She can very much get better and that needs to be the focus.

Lots of great advice given.

My DH suffers on and off with depression. Not long after we were married he told me that when he was out on his motorbike he wanted to just ride straight into a concrete block or a tree. You can imagine how I felt every time he went for a ride for years afterwards. We've been married 25 years with 2 grown up DC now and he's very much better. He finally agreed to go on medication about 3 or 4 years ago when he was going through a bad patch but not suicidal and I asked if he just expected me and DC to put up with it or was he going to actually go and get some help.

He's recently slowly weaned himself off again and it's going well but we are aware of the early signs and when to ask for help again.

This really isn't the end of your DDs story, she has a whole life ahead to be better and enjoy. I think it's just really hard to find the trigger for her to want to be here trying.

I wish you both the best and that she gets the help she needs.

You mentioned her liking anime which strikes a chord as I also found solace in the manga/anime community growing up. There's a huge proportion of NT individuals within the anime scene and it's a actually good, non-judgemental environment for them to be in. I know many people who found friends and relationships or even marriage/children within the anime community. I would encourage her to pursue whatever hobbies she has (TikTok is a good place right now) or get involved in anime events which are also happening again on a limited scale post-covid. This will put her in in touch with different people, rather than constantly comparing herself to school peers whose lives are moving in other directions.

Regarding medication, sertraline is a classic antidepressant designed to increase serotonin, not dopamine. ADHD is caused by dopamine dysregulation and many sufferers struggle for years due to ineffective medication. I have a friend who had an extremely difficult life due to undiagnosed ASD/ADD and being put on SSRI antidepressants that basically did nothing. Everything turned around when they started focusing her therapy for ADD rather than depression.

This has worked for my daughter.

It isn't cheap - but you can rent.

My daughter found it uncomfortable but not painful - and after using it for 6 weeks, she is much more stable. She just tops up occasionally now. She used it alongside medication but is slowly coming off medication.

@Joystir59

If she takes her own life and you haven't done everything in your power to get her help, your guilt will potentially be unbearable.

Blimey, this is unhelpful and harsh. I'm sure OP knows this already FFS.

Hi

I had a long running thread on here a few years ago about my lovely DS. He was In and out of psychiatric hospitals from the age of 13 (has ASD) and eventually remained in one for two years In Birmingham for very unwell children.

He eventually came out at 16 and has since got his degree and is doing his masters. He has a diagnosis and is on strong medication but we did get through it. It was a horrible time and very stressful but I had to keep him safe. Sectioning him was the best thing for him- although elements of certain places I wasn't keen on.

Don't feel guilty. It's a minefield and I have also had to do it with DS number 3 although to a lesser extent.

If you need anything please shout x

I've noticed that other people have suggested interaction with animals and I'd agree that animals are amazingly therapeutic. Dogs in particular are good at helping lift the mood. I'm not a dog person, but I did some dog walking and was amazed at how much better I felt when being with them.

It sounds like your dd has totally lost interest in everything and, tbh, only medication will change this. Lifestyle adjustments can only help if the depressed person is actually engaging with life.

Can you get her an appointment with a psychiatrist? Who has prescribed her medication?

OP, could you maybe let her take a break from all of it? Stop college for now and have no obligations for a few months and just let her calm down from all the pressures of life.

After that, if she has recovered, figure out your next steps. My parents did this for me at 18 and it really helped. As for the rest I had to try different therapists, because not all of them are right for every patient.

Hi,

What a tough situation for you, you must be exhausted with work and constant worry.

I have no personal experience of this but have attended some training through work.

I do remember one day in training, the counsellor (who was lovely) telling a story of one client (teenage girl) who used to come for counselling and sit there and not engage at all. She explained that this was all part of the treatment, to provide a safe space for her to sit and not be judged. The counsellor would say something like, it’s good that you’ve come, we can just sit here and not say anything if you’re more comfortable with that, but I’m here if there’s anything you want to talk about. Apparently it continued like that for a few weeks and eventually the child started to speak. It turned out something pretty momentous had happened to her which took a lot of courage to divulge and she had to feel safe and trust the counsellor enough to do that. I’m not saying that’s the case here, but perhaps the non-engagement is just the first stage?

Can you afford some private counselling? It may be something to explore if you have funds available.

Alternatively I agree with exploring any avenue of interest with your dd and encouraging this. And with speaking to college and other available support providers.

My GP gave me a text service for teens. Since it is their preferred method of communication they often feel more comfortable with this form of counselling.
Also if you have parental controls on WiFi switch off the sites that are suicide based. Teenagers are bloody terrible at encouraging each other to take extreme actions. www.healthyminds.whct.nhs.uk/children-young-people-and-families-

@SamPoodle123

Is she on any birth control pill? Sometimes, the hormones can effect people mentally. What is her diet like? That has a huge effect on mental health. I know that depression is very difficult to treat, but has she tried exercise and diet? These effect the chemicals and hormones in your body and sometimes that is enough to improve mental health...along with perhaps a person specialised in mental support. Sometimes, people need to take medication to help.

The latest research is showing that around 50% of depression cases are directly caused by bad diet and no exercise. Many more can be helped through good diet and exercise.

Bad food literally inflames the brain, causing the non-psychological depression. This says there isn’t always something wrong.

But there also could be. I know of multiple cases where teens have started to get severe depression and it’s been related to a traumatic event that has happened of which the parent knows nothing e.g. rape, assault, severe bullying

Those two things are the starting point….is diet causing depression, has something traumatic happened that you don’t know about?

I really feel for you op, I am very close to completed suicides and it has changed mine and everyone’s lives who were close forever.

I’ve often thought if it came to what you are experiencing with your dd with my dc, I’d take them somewhere away which is really jarring culturally. Go travelling in India, Africa, South America. See the world, get perspective, have opportunity to talk properly. It might not be an option but when health services are failing, it’s hard to know what else to do.