Suicide ***trigger warning*** how do I keep my child alive

[Iimaginethiswillbefun]

I need some help please. And please please no judgement.

My daughter is so, so unhappy. She doesn’t want to be alive. She just wants to go to bed and not wake up.

She hates everything about her life, everything she struggles at college with friendships, she is so lonely. She doesn’t want to be here.

I worry about her constantly. I’m at work and I think about her non stop. But I have to go to work I can’t afford not too.

She is on an anti depressant but it doesn’t seem to be working. I have gone back to CAMHs again but she doesn’t engage with them.

She told me she doesn’t know how much longer she will be alive for. I am a nervous wreck. And the most awful thought came to me. If she doesn’t want to be here and really doesn’t want to be here, how do I keep her here am I just torturing her by keeping her here. I’m in foods of tears even typing this. I’m at the end of my tether. More than anything I want her to see the positivity in life but she just doesn’t.

Help me and please no judgement.

If the antidepressants aren't working or you think they're making her worse then please speak to a doctor ASAP about whether she needs to switch. Different people react to different antidepressants differently.

I now have one that works really really well for me but when I was initially put on a different drug at a similar age to your daughter they made me worse. Suicidal and violent. The Dr just kept upping the dosage despite me saying I felt worse. It put me off ADs for many many years until a doctor explained they can have different effects and persuaded me to try something else.

What anti-depressant is she on? I hope it isn't seroxat /paroxetine.

I've had to hide all the knives, sharp objects, medicine etc in this house as my 13yo is teetering on self harming. CAMHS can't help, she's been referred twice. I know how miserably hard it is .

@megletthesecond that's what I was given when younger. Awful stuff (lawsuits and everything I believe). I was told they don't prescribe it any more?

I'm on fluoxetine now and for me it is great, I know some people don't get on with it though

I think OP said her DD was on sertraline

I have no practical experience of this at all, but from what you have said my mind goes to -

• is she on anything for acne at the moment? Roaccutane/isotretinoin?

• she loves her cat. School/college is no use to her the way she is right now. Can you pull her out, and arrange for her (you will have to do all the admin to make this happen!) to volunteer at a cat rescue or something else relating to animals - a dog rescue, a riding stables - anything where she has to look after animals quite actively.

• can you change her scenery? A week away, regular trips away from your home town. Moving altogether?

I don't mean any of this instead of anti-depressants, but I would focus on turning up the volume on things she loves, and removing things that cause her pain.

I went through periods of anxiety, depression, insomnia etc as a teenager. Puberty was awful for me. I also found out when I was about 16/17 that lots of my friends suffered bad puberty years too but no one said anything to each other for fear of being labelled mad!

I also had quite severe PMT/PMS. Which wasn't really recognised back in the 80s!

Does she have PMT/PMS? Have her thyroid levels been checked as these can cause mood swings and lethargy etc?

I personally saw a therapist as a teenager (14/15) - useless as they just listened to me talk... Medication was either way too strong (Largactil) or Valium/sleeping tablets etc on and off - and I hated the way they made me feel. I'm not saying all drugs are bad but anti depressants if they're not working might not be the answer. I coped much better with aromatherapy and evening primrose oil, and other alternative therapies, yoga and meditation etc.

what @Sprig1 says re getting involved re a cat charity could be a really good idea for her.

You're not a terrible person to think that. That's a actually a kind but probably misplaced thought.

She needs a lot of support, and probably needs it 24/7. You can't provide that while you are at work. Would you consider sectioning her, just so she is safe and has medics around 24-7 to gauge her drugs. She might also meet other teens who won't judge her and who are further along the journey and can help prove to her that life is worth living.

I really hope so.

It's been a horrendous time for so many people, especially teenagers.

@astoundedgoat

I have no practical experience of this at all, but from what you have said my mind goes to -

• is she on anything for acne at the moment? Roaccutane/isotretinoin?

• she loves her cat. School/college is no use to her the way she is right now. Can you pull her out, and arrange for her (you will have to do all the admin to make this happen!) to volunteer at a cat rescue or something else relating to animals - a dog rescue, a riding stables - anything where she has to look after animals quite actively.

• can you change her scenery? A week away, regular trips away from your home town. Moving altogether?

I don't mean any of this instead of anti-depressants, but I would focus on turning up the volume on things she loves, and removing things that cause her pain.

Scenery change is really good - or even day trips - or drives on a fairly regular basis. This helped me anyway.

My ds is a similar age, is autistic & struggles with his mental health. If you are seriously concerned about the state of your dd mental health, I would recommend taking her to A & E, ds was suicidal after being sexually assaulted by one of his dad's carers, I took him to A & E at our children's hospital & he was able to see a psychologist the same day & had weekly sessions for 3 months.

This is about damage limitation, trying to keep her alive till she finds something to live for, just keep breathing, ask her to keep breathing. One day maybe soon, maybe later there will be a spark of hope. Just hang on, it's not easy. If she is actively suicidal get an urgent mental health assessment, but hospital is a last resort. Can she think of one person she can't leave, one person she trusts? Best wishes op

You are not evil for wondering those things!

Actually, you are an unselfish and loving parent to be able to see her suffering before your own.

However, you are the adult here and have the 'oversight' to know that life is not just about how things are now. Hang on to that. Things can and will get better- of course they can; there are many ways in which her life can go from here.

16 is a miserable age for many - even without additional problems but you don't have to be 16 forever.

She needs your help getting through this time - perhaps despite herself. You both need (and deserve) every bit of support that can be given.

My own (autistic) brother wanted to die at 16. His life was as miserable as it it possible to be. Thankfully, the choice to end that life was not his to take just then.

He stayed with us and now both gives and receives all kinds of good- in ways he could not have imagined at that time.

He is married - has friends - is respected at work and has power to do what he most enjoys - he is happy and has been for most of his life. His 16 year old self could never have imagined this.

May this be true for your daughter too.

@leavesthataregreen

You're not a terrible person to think that. That's a actually a kind but probably misplaced thought.

She needs a lot of support, and probably needs it 24/7. You can't provide that while you are at work. Would you consider sectioning her, just so she is safe and has medics around 24-7 to gauge her drugs. She might also meet other teens who won't judge her and who are further along the journey and can help prove to her that life is worth living.

I really hope so.

It's been a horrendous time for so many people, especially teenagers.

I'm not sure that sectioning her would be the best idea at the moment...

when I was 14/15 I begged my mum to take me to the local mental health hospital (correct term?) as I didn't want to be here or in the mind-space I was in at the time.

Luckily they took one look at me and realised that being in a mental health hospital surrounded by patients with more severe conditions than I had, and on high medication would be worse for me, and I went home and luckily what I had passed (it was partly hormonal anyway and went in 'cycles' of quite a few months sometimes 9 or more or a year, with a gap inbetween).

The support can be hard for parents and maybe OP's work could support a bit here or her partner.

I think an immediate review of the medication could help - not sure how long she’s been on this one. Honestly if I were this worried I think I would look into having her sectioned. It’s not nice but it will keep her safe and I think that’s the most important thing.

I love the ideas of taking her out of school to volunteer in animal shelters etc but only you know if she is in a position to do that.

This is like sticking plaster on an open wound but in case it helps: I had a friend who was suicidal when we were in our teens. It really helped her when I said: please stay alive for me. You may not want to live but I would miss you so much and I know this time will pass and you will feel hope and happiness again. Until then, stay alive for me because I love you.
You could ask her to stay alive for you and the cat.

Have you any trusted neighbours and friends who can check on her at different times during the day? Just a text or quick call.

Can you tell her to self-soothe with trashy made-for-TV films and Candy Crush and other mindless but de-stressing stuff. It's really useful at times like this.

What a horrendous situation. I don't have an in-depth experience but please please just take her to A&E, tell them she's in immediate risk and demand they section her. Don't wait. This is what happened to my friend, she was an inpatient unit for 4 months and ended up having electroconvulsive therapy, it's changed her life. I'm not saying this is the answer for your daughter, but there may be options, and she would be safe on an inpatient until until medications/therapies had been tried.

Your not a terrible mum, your the complete opposite to be filled with these unselfish thoughts.

I do truly believe life is just too hard for some people. . It’s not something we seem to “allowed” to say though.
However, she’s so young with so much of life in front of her that could be a happy fulfilled one, It’s not selfish of you at all to help her and try everything the wise mumsnetters have said.
I hope she finds a way through the darkness, you sound a lovely mum.

Can you write her a letter? Something she can digest in her own time without having to offer up an immediate response or engage directly?

Of course tell her how much you love her and need her to hang on, but I would also be inclined to offer hard facts as much as love within its pages. Give her proven things she can hold on to - scientific facts about teenage brains and how things WILL change. Evidence based information about recovery and the success of therapy etc.

Ask her this. If death wasn't possible - what would be the next option? What would be the thing that just might improve things a little?

It will feel scary, but ask her to see if she can make a list of three things she will try, so that she can make any decisions about her future knowing that she has given things a shot. Keep buying time alongside professional support.

You sounds lovely and human and the thing that you said about 'not holding her back' just shows how much you love her.

Has anyone reviewed her medication recently? She might need a higher dose.

Also speak to college and ask how the pastoral team and her tutors can support her. Is there another student who could take her under their wing?

What are her interests? Is she studying something she’s interested in? Or has she just fallen into A levels like many do? It’s not too late to make changes.

Perhaps just a small thing that might help if she is arty or creative.

There is a website called postsecret.com and they deal with themes around suicide sometimes. People share their own secrets and sometimes share about how they got through their dark times. Perhaps it might offer her a community that would help her to feel less lonely?

Get her talking to yourself and councillors. This will help her get her needs met and work out how she can help herself.

Hide belts, knifes, medication if really worried

Call 999 if you need urgent help

I interact regularly with a suicide community online and the general view amongst suicidal people is that their feelings represent a philosophical viewpoint and that the people who are striving to prevent their suicide are wrong to do that because they have nothing to offer them long term. They will never change their viewpoint and just don't want to be here and why should others have the right to force an unwanted life onto them? They aren't, on the whole, out of touch with reality and are quite matter of fact and pragmatic about their rejection of life.

ASD and ADD puts people at a much higher risk of suicide than the general population. Life is extremely difficult and often intolerable to neuro divergent people.

Your dd is still very young and, with appropriate treatment and support, may make a recovery. Sertraline isn't the best antidepressant out there and I'd say she needs to see a psychiatrist in order to tease out what is due to the ADD and what is down to depression. People with ADD often don't respond to antidepressants and they need to have their ADD appropriately prescribed instead.

Don't beat yourself up regarding the thoughts you have regarding your dd's suicidal urges. People who work hard to prevent suicide usually have very little to offer in the way of helping the suicidal person feel better and there is a great deal of unspoken resentment towards the 'saver'. Normies won't want to hear this, but this is how any suicidal people feel.

(I'm ADHD, autistic and have been suicidal all my life).

You have lots of advice on here already - some of that will be useful and some less so.

We are in a very similar situation. I would recommend joining the Parenting Mental Health FB page - they have an online course starting this week. It costs £150 but there are bursary places for people who can't afford it.

Things that have helped us:

being very explicit that there is no pressure to go to school. Education can wait until they are well.
a gentle routine - eat as well as you can, sleep as well as you can, be outside once per day, do gentle distraction activities - colouring in, rubiks cube, simple craft

i have a 15yo DS with ASD/ADHD and a restricted diet, we are just coming into this point with his mental health and i know its scary as hell, so just big supportive hugs and understanding from me.

As an older female with the same diagnosis, i have recently been struggling with my own mental health, (i also have quite a restrictive diet) and found i was seriously vitamin D and folic acid deficient.

It may be worth getting her checked, as lacking vitamin D can cause depression/low mood and fatigue.

As your DD has a diagnosis of ADD and ASD are there any organisations that can assist that specialise with these areas.

Has she ever told you how she would end her life ? When being assessed they ask this and without detail as triggering and I’m not suggesting you share there are key words that flag up those more at risk and those who are going through suicidal idealisation. I’m sure it’s not just a box ticking exercise but to get long term decent help it’s all about the genuine risk to yourself and others.

Has she said why she wont or can’t engage could she possibly write it all down if she can’t manage to talk?

@MuthaFunka61

Having read your latest update OP,it sounds as though you need support in order to support your daughter.

I've linked some orgs further up thread for you to look at and I'm flagging up the Samaritans too

www.samaritans.org/

They can be a real support so they maybe worth your while talking to to help you sort your way through this.

Yes.

OP.

What a difficult situation. Your daughter is lucky to have you.

It sounds like you both need help and support. Lots of good advice on here already, just wanted to send you my best wishes.