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Original poster

Why don't so many people marry here?

192 replies

thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 14:52

Hello, I'm creating this thread solely to understand more about the culture in the UK. I come from Pakistan where culturally and religiously marriage is celebrated very widely. I moved here about 2 years ago and have noticed that most (not all) people I come across are not married. They have children with their partners and they live with their partners but they just don't get married (or very less do) I'm not sure why that is. They are living life as a married couple but still don't marry. And I'm just wondering what's the motivation behind that for both men and women..

Again, I mean no offence to the people or the culture here. I just want to understand it better. Would love to hear everyone's thought and opinions..

OP posts:
MinesAMassiveSalad · 08/09/2021 14:58

I don't know either, I missed the memo!

I guess a lot of it is a reaction to loosening of ideas and the law around divorce in the 70s. As divorce rates soared (because ordinary non well-off people were finally able to get out of terrible marriages) the following generation became wary of marriage.

BabyMoonPie · 08/09/2021 15:02

I assume it's because there is no longer a cultural stigma in living with a partner / having children outside marriage and a lot of people aren't religious so that doesn't influence them either like it would in the past

Bluesheep8 · 08/09/2021 15:03

DP and I aren't married. Been together 26 years. Just never got round to it really. Plus I hate the idea of a big wedding.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
MinesAMassiveSalad · 08/09/2021 15:05

Yes by loosening of ideas I really mean the loss of stigma.
I know someone who in the 1960s lied that their dad was dead rather than say their parents had divorced. They definitely remember a massive stigma against being the child of a single parent.

TheDistortion · 08/09/2021 15:07

I think in the main most people would live with their partners before they got married because you want to make sure you are compatible. Then you don't want to rush into something, and there's the saving up to do if you want a biggish wedding. I lived with my partner for maybe four or five years before we got married. I wanted to get married myself because for me it's symbolic of bringing two families together, and also its a life event and a celebration and I am all in favour of those.

But I think some people end up thinking, why bother, what more would marriage add, especially if they end up having children.
Having said that the vast majority of couples I know are married (am mid 40s) although as not everyone changes their name on marriage in some cases you don't know - there are couples I know through the kids school or book club or whatever where I wouldn't know one way or the other.

Chocolateteabag · 08/09/2021 15:12

A lot of people don't get married because of the cost - at least of what they think a "Wedding" should cost. You can get married at the nearest registry office to have the legal bit done, but to most people in the UK, a "wedding" = big dress, flowers, bells & whistles. So they wait and save, babies then come and it gets pushed down the priority list.

The sad thing is that for many women, being married offers a lot of protection once you have children.

EIIa · 08/09/2021 15:14

Lack of family planning
Assumption that you have to have a kardashian level affair
Kickback against the patriarchy

Wbeezer · 08/09/2021 15:16

Because there is not really a stigma about sex before marriage anymore (due to religious belief and observance falling away).

Redhound · 08/09/2021 15:17

I have never wanted children so never seen the point of marriage if children aren't involved. If it is a good relationship which works as it is, why bother? Financially, if you are married and one person becomes financially ruined you are both in trouble but if you are technically single then only the one of you is in trouble. I wouldn't want to risk my property/financial independence by getting married.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 08/09/2021 15:17

Theres no stigma about it.
People don't see it as necessary (rightly or wrongly)
Chosing not to get married as life long relationships aren't seen as necessary

crystalspiders · 08/09/2021 15:22

The cost I would say

Legomania · 08/09/2021 15:22

In a liberal/largely secular society there is little pressure to marry for 'moral' reasons

There is a class divide - I would say the vast majority of (largely middle-class) couples I know are married. Most people I know spent their 20s looking for and then living with a serious partner before marrying around 30 and then having kids.

Some people don't want a no-frills wedding and are waiting to afford the frilly kind

Chotuladoo · 08/09/2021 15:23

Seeing the hurt of parents stuck in marriages that wasn't working. My friends at school suffering so much pain when their parents divorced. We've still got married bc that's what we felt was right for us, but I never romantically dreamed of happy ever after because I know marriage isn't necessarily like that....not sure if that makes sense.

InkieNecro · 08/09/2021 15:23

To make sure you're compatible and because weddings are paid for by the couple and can be expensive.

Personally I wouldn't have a child with someone without being married, but I think I'm in the minority.

whatswithtodaytoday · 08/09/2021 15:24

There's no stigma attached to it at all - most people live together for a while before even getting engaged. In fact I would say you'd be very silly not to.

Weddings cost money. Most people want at least a bit of a celebration and a pretty dress, which has to be paid for at a time when most people are also paying off student loans and saving to buy a house.

Some people have grown up in homes where divorce caused trauma and don't want to repeat the pattern (my partner, for one).

Some people just aren't really that bothered and would hate the ceremony and attention of a wedding, plus see weddings and the wedding industry as incredibly patriarchal, so just get the legal stuff sorted (at great cost) and stop worrying about it (me).

Original poster
thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 15:24

@Chocolateteabag

A lot of people don't get married because of the cost - at least of what they think a "Wedding" should cost. You can get married at the nearest registry office to have the legal bit done, but to most people in the UK, a "wedding" = big dress, flowers, bells & whistles. So they wait and save, babies then come and it gets pushed down the priority list.

The sad thing is that for many women, being married offers a lot of protection once you have children.

True, I do feel marriage offers greater protection to women and not marrying seems like a win-win for men.
OP posts:
Original poster
thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 15:26

@Chotuladoo

Seeing the hurt of parents stuck in marriages that wasn't working. My friends at school suffering so much pain when their parents divorced. We've still got married bc that's what we felt was right for us, but I never romantically dreamed of happy ever after because I know marriage isn't necessarily like that....not sure if that makes sense.
Does make sense, yes.
OP posts:
NeverTalkToStrangers · 08/09/2021 15:26

Only a tiny minority of people in the UK believe that it is morally wrong to have sex outside marriage. That's a big driver.

But there isn't a single "UK Culture". If you dive down into different socioeconomic and ethnic groups in the UK you'll see big differences between the average age at which they marry and the importance they attach to marrying before having children.

Camomila · 08/09/2021 15:26

Like everyone else said, there's no stigma anymore about having children without being married.

DH and I got married before having the DC but a few of my friends/cousins in Italy had their DC then got married (big church weddings and usually getting their toddlers baptised at the same time) - We were saying how nice it was that Italy appears to be getting more progressive.

LST · 08/09/2021 15:27

Never got the money for it. Dp would like a good old knees up after and we have better things to spend the money on. Been together 13 years. 2 DC and a mortgage.

Plumtree391 · 08/09/2021 15:27

A lot do marry eventually, thoughtsandstuff. I've been to weddings, and know many people in this situation, where bride and groom already have children.

Divorce rates are high and it's not unreasonable to be cautious. There are advantages to being legally married, especially when you consider pensions which are only paid to spouses of the deceased, but if both have careers yielding good incomes, property is jointly owned and they each make wills, marriage seems less important.

SpnBaby1967 · 08/09/2021 15:28

I have one unmarried friend with kids (both teenagers now) been with her partner over 20 years. She wants marriage, he doesnt. Says the commitment is anxiety inducing. I find it sad that the marriage is considered more of a commitment than making human beings together.

Anyway, I digress. I think it comes down to very few people believing in religion and cohabiting being a sin, the expense, or the patriarchal ties.

For me, we married in less than 2 years because we wanted kids as well whilst still fairly young and both didnt believe in having kids outside of marriage. I come from a traumatic family background and needed the solidity of marriage and the security it gave before I could have kids. DH is very traditional.

The biggest reason for us though we celebrating our love for each other. We're almost 20 years down the line and I still get a buzz at referring to him as my husband or when I hear him call me his wife Grin

Original poster
thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 15:29

@NeverTalkToStrangers

Only a tiny minority of people in the UK believe that it is morally wrong to have sex outside marriage. That's a big driver.

But there isn't a single "UK Culture". If you dive down into different socioeconomic and ethnic groups in the UK you'll see big differences between the average age at which they marry and the importance they attach to marrying before having children.

Yeah you're right
OP posts:
whiterheg · 08/09/2021 15:32

It's a good question OP. I married because I wanted the protections/benefits (and liabilities) it created that for me where imperative when having children.

I'm divorced now with an adult son and would probably stand to lose if I married then divorced my current partner, however I wouldn't rule it out (though I would create a civil partnership rather than a marriage).

Some years ago a young chap I worked with had just become a father and was asked if he and his girlfriend were going to get married, he baulked at the thought and said not for ages, they weren't ready for that. He was repeatedly unfaithful to his partner so I guess in his head he equated marriage with fidelity and not much else.

Original poster
thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 15:33

@SpnBaby1967

I have one unmarried friend with kids (both teenagers now) been with her partner over 20 years. She wants marriage, he doesnt. Says the commitment is anxiety inducing. I find it sad that the marriage is considered more of a commitment than making human beings together.

Anyway, I digress. I think it comes down to very few people believing in religion and cohabiting being a sin, the expense, or the patriarchal ties.

For me, we married in less than 2 years because we wanted kids as well whilst still fairly young and both didnt believe in having kids outside of marriage. I come from a traumatic family background and needed the solidity of marriage and the security it gave before I could have kids. DH is very traditional.

The biggest reason for us though we celebrating our love for each other. We're almost 20 years down the line and I still get a buzz at referring to him as my husband or when I hear him call me his wife Grin

Your marriage sounds lovely Smile and it is truly so sad to hear some people's thoughts of marriage as something that causes anxiety instead of enhancing the love between two people.
OP posts: