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Original poster

Why don't so many people marry here?

192 replies

thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 14:52

Hello, I'm creating this thread solely to understand more about the culture in the UK. I come from Pakistan where culturally and religiously marriage is celebrated very widely. I moved here about 2 years ago and have noticed that most (not all) people I come across are not married. They have children with their partners and they live with their partners but they just don't get married (or very less do) I'm not sure why that is. They are living life as a married couple but still don't marry. And I'm just wondering what's the motivation behind that for both men and women..

Again, I mean no offence to the people or the culture here. I just want to understand it better. Would love to hear everyone's thought and opinions..

OP posts:
Chunkymenrock · 09/09/2021 23:21

After 20 years of marriage, I've realised how it traps people and forces them to compromise, lose themselves and their freedom. It has destroyed me and is almost impossible for me to get out of. People who don't subject themselves to it are very wise indeed.

DarlingFell · 10/09/2021 07:05

I think quite often the woman wants to get married but the man doesn’t. You read about it on here all the time, couple have kids together but the guy doesn’t want to get married or makes silly excuses as to why they can’t marry. It must be hurtful, like you’re ok to have kids with but not to marry. Surely having kids together is a bigger commitment so it doesn’t make much sense 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have loads of unmarried friends with kids. All of them want to marry the kid’s dad and they are all fed up about it. The men dig their heels in. Often this is when the guy has children from another relationship as well as with his present partner.

DarlingFell · 10/09/2021 07:07

@Chunkymenrock

After 20 years of marriage, I've realised how it traps people and forces them to compromise, lose themselves and their freedom. It has destroyed me and is almost impossible for me to get out of. People who don't subject themselves to it are very wise indeed.
Not the case for me at all! Marriage has enriched my life no end. I love being married, it makes me very happy 🤷🏻‍♀️

Interested in this thread?

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Marriage & partnerships
DarlingFell · 10/09/2021 07:09

[quote TorringtonDean]@YourFinestPantaloons if you are financially secure yourself then marriage is a massive risk.[/quote]
Not if you marry someone who is also financially secure 🤷🏻‍♀️

FreeBritnee · 10/09/2021 07:10

We’ve been engaged eight years. We will marry one day just haven’t got round to it yet.

FatAnkles · 10/09/2021 08:00

My brother and his DP have been together nearly 20 years. But my "SiL" owns her house and has her own money. DB went into the relationship penniless. My SiL was married previously. She doesn't want to marry again, for obvious reasons. Their 2 kids are in 6th form now. My DB would probably have to move back in with our parents if they ever split up.

I am married. We have a mortgage and a child. I earn more than DH and I have a better pension. We have had a lot of problems recently and although in my ideal world I'd just give him half the value of our property and walk away in a divorce, my pension would be considered in any settlement. So it's very, very shit.

Marriage is great when things are going well but when it goes bad it becomes so unequal and the injustice is keenly felt.

Mookie81 · 10/09/2021 17:32

@TorringtonDean

Legal protection for men who abandon their children - not a “protection” worth having!
You're being facetious now. It's been made clear that it offers protection to partners who are lower earners, and particularly women who are disproportionately affected by having children. Your situation is the minority. Can you not see outside that at the bigger picture?
TorringtonDean · 10/09/2021 17:44

I can see the bigger picture might favour others but it didn’t favour me. I have advised my children to never marry. Can’t you see the massive injustice?

TorringtonDean · 10/09/2021 17:57

@FatAnkles exactly - very, very shit. I no longer have any faith in British justice.

Mookie81 · 10/09/2021 17:58

I completely agree with your point in regards to people in your situation.
But it sounded like you were saying it was a blanket bad idea, rather than a bad idea for some that's all.
Your ex is a piece of shit by the way! Flowers

TorringtonDean · 10/09/2021 18:21

I do believe in marriage. That’s why I got married! It makes me sad that the legal situation is so bad it is not a good idea for modern working women. I think I’ve always been a bit ahead of the curve but there is a huge wave of women in exactly my situation coming up behind.

Autumngoldleaf · 10/09/2021 19:57

I'm sure marriage is more than the norm?

We didn't get married before dc because I accidentally fell pregnant then of course that takes up time and money

Autumngoldleaf · 10/09/2021 20:02

But when dd was small we married I can see how that does drift with couples though because essentially they are together... Just not on paper and not legally.

I was very happy to be married in the end because it felt hugely romantic, so romantic I was practically skipping down the aisle... And I was relieved because I wasn't working as a sahm and very financially vulnerable.

Autumngoldleaf · 10/09/2021 20:04

Financial injustice runs both ways... Though for married and un married.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 10/09/2021 20:08

I think there is still a bit of a stigma as I notice people rushing on to say they've been with their partner 20 odd years/ had a baby but wedding is planned etc etc feeling the need to justify their unmarried status
I never wanted to get married, reason being its not for me . Had a child with a man knowing I would not ever get married- we'd have probably been divorced by now anyway .
Lots of men and women don't want to be tied into something and that's OK.
Op in answer to your question it's probably lack of family pressure and expectations

RubySlippers123 · 10/09/2021 20:14

Cost.

Lack of religion.

Dislike of the historical fact that being someone's wife meant that you were also their property. It's a very patriarchal institution.

Children of divorce are often unable to see the point. Or feel like it would ruin what they have.

Lots of reasons I guess op.

Cocopogo · 10/09/2021 20:18

For me it’s because you can’t promise someone those things.

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