Why don't so many people marry here?

[thoughtsandstuff]

Hello, I'm creating this thread solely to understand more about the culture in the UK. I come from Pakistan where culturally and religiously marriage is celebrated very widely. I moved here about 2 years ago and have noticed that most (not all) people I come across are not married. They have children with their partners and they live with their partners but they just don't get married (or very less do) I'm not sure why that is. They are living life as a married couple but still don't marry. And I'm just wondering what's the motivation behind that for both men and women..

Again, I mean no offence to the people or the culture here. I just want to understand it better. Would love to hear everyone's thought and opinions..

@5zeds

id say they are more like love cum arranged marriages. this doesn’t read well OP, better to use the standard spelling “come”

Haha, no I meant it in the sofa cum bed type thing like a mix of both...

Maybe ask yourself why so many people get married in Pakistan, a country that still hasn’t quite decided whether it wants to be a secular state with a Muslim population or an Islamic State with Sharia law, including (until very recently — I don’t know whether it has changed in recent years) a woman needing to have four male witnesses to penetration if she made an accusation of tape, snd who was liable to be prosecuted for adultery and hence technically subject to a range of medieval punishments like stoning or lashes? I’m aware these were seldom actually inflicted, but it’s indicative of the strong stigma son extramarital sex. That doesn’t exist elsewhere.

People saying they wouldn’t want to change their names - you don’t have to. I didn’t and I’m from a similar cultural background to OP.

Maybe the people you have met will get married one day, just not now?

I've been living with my partner for 5 years and we'll be marrying early next year. I'm in my 30s and he's in his 40s. No DCs. We're seen as fairly normal in this I think!

Compare with my parents, born in 1960, married in their early 20s, having 2 kids soon after. Back then the Church was much more important, and living together 'in sin' or having children 'out of wedlock' (horrible old-fashioned phrase) had a real stigma. People usually had more traditional values. My mum told me her (Catholic) parents wouldn't let her spend time alone with my Dad until they got married!

It's a lot different now. Most parents want their children (including women) to prioritise education and starting a career in their 20s. And people are more individualistic, so they may want to travel, pursue creative endeavours, or just have fun, instead of 'settling down' young. As divorces have become easier to get, people have seen friends and families go through this process, and don't want to jump into anything too soon.

This link shows the average age of marriage is going up all the time: www.statista.com/statistics/557962/average-age-at-marriage-england-and-wales/

I still think if you asked most people they would still say marriage is a good thing. Just not to be rushed into.

I won't get married because:

Its archaic
I'm not religious / it's steeped in religion
I don't need the financial 'protection' you get via marriage
It's romantic bullshit
Many people end up divorced
Weddings are a farce as are all religions
Vowels mean sod all to many people - so what's the point.

I’m with my long term boyfriend and have dc and mortgage. We are committed and have our little family. Both want to keep our own names and DC have both surnames. Getting married isn’t going to change anything and prove we are committed or mean we are family so our personal opinion is is what is the point in getting married? It wouldn’t change anyway. Just how feel. Totally happy for friends/family who decide to get married.

I meant to add that I have seen lovely wedding pictures where people have their DCs as bridesmaids and pageboys - in this situation the wedding seems like a celebration of the established family rather than the old-fashioned 'young couple just starting out on life together.' Most people nowadays would view this as sweet whereas a few years ago it would be seen as sinful and taboo.

I mean, I personally think marriage before kids is the best way, but sometimes life works out differently and it's better that we can celebrate this.

@SeriouslyISuppose

Maybe ask yourself why so many people get married in Pakistan, a country that still hasn’t quite decided whether it wants to be a secular state with a Muslim population or an Islamic State with Sharia law, including (until very recently — I don’t know whether it has changed in recent years) a woman needing to have four male witnesses to penetration if she made an accusation of tape, snd who was liable to be prosecuted for adultery and hence technically subject to a range of medieval punishments like stoning or lashes? I’m aware these were seldom actually inflicted, but it’s indicative of the strong stigma son extramarital sex. That doesn’t exist elsewhere.

My goodness, relax! No need for so much aggression. Like I said, no offence meant to anyone. I'm not saying pakistan is the ideal state. There are so many problems with that country that I can't even describe. I just gave the reference for the purpose of showing the cultural background.

I’m not being in the least ‘aggressive’, only pointing out why far fewer people may marry in the UK, because there are no stigmas or legal penalties to extramarital sex compared to Pakistan.

@SeriouslyISuppose

I’m not being in the least ‘aggressive’, only pointing out why far fewer people may marry in the UK, because there are no stigmas or legal penalties to extramarital sex compared to Pakistan.

Sure got it.

Hello fellow Pakistani 👋🏽

Marriage is important to me, a lot of that is because it has been a huge fight to even be allowed to get married. My husband is from somewhere where marriage isn’t necessary as you can get the same legal bits without marriage.

Most of my friendship group aren’t married, only two of us are.

Being unmarried is the default position.

I’d suggest wondering why people do get married, rather than why they don’t. You don’t have to do anything at all to be unmarried, you have to take active steps to be married, so those steps need to have a proven benefit to the participants.

As yet, there are no benefits to me, so I’m not married. Noone has given me enough of a reason to get married yet, the exception is inheritance tax - I’d get married for that, but I’m not at the threshold yet, so it’s a later life problem.

I don't feel the need for the sanction of my relationship by the state or by god

If we ever split up it will be beneficial for me that I am NOT married as the majority of financial assets are mine from before the relationship started or from inheritances. Marriage would have created a big and unnecessary risk to my future financial security.

I have been with my partner for 25 years and our relationship has outlasted almost almost of my friends relationships, all of whom were married, most now divorced and without exception say they would not get married again.

My dd also has my surname and not DP's surname. She is in her 20s and does not aspire to be married. She says she might have a lavish party to celebrate her relationship commitment but wouldn't want a legal marriage.

I find the idea of marriage off puttingly patriarchal.

Personally Op, i was married when younger. I had my own property, met someone, ( he had nothing apart from his monthly wage) then married him and we had a child. We divorced 3 yrs later and i was hugely out of pocket as i had to share all my previously self accrued assets, that took me yrs, with him. Also, the divorcing legal process cost me £3500. I have never married again , shared finances or a home with anyone ever since. I have too much to lose by marrying or merging finances. I can support myself , my children and my lifestyle so need to ever complicate that again.

I only know one couple with DC that aren’t married.

@CinstonWhurchill

Personally Op, i was married when younger. I had my own property, met someone, ( he had nothing apart from his monthly wage) then married him and we had a child. We divorced 3 yrs later and i was hugely out of pocket as i had to share all my previously self accrued assets, that took me yrs, with him. Also, the divorcing legal process cost me £3500. I have never married again , shared finances or a home with anyone ever since. I have too much to lose by marrying or merging finances. I can support myself , my children and my lifestyle so need to ever complicate that again.

That makes sense..

@Simonjt

Hello fellow Pakistani 👋🏽

Marriage is important to me, a lot of that is because it has been a huge fight to even be allowed to get married. My husband is from somewhere where marriage isn’t necessary as you can get the same legal bits without marriage.

Most of my friendship group aren’t married, only two of us are.

Hello to you too!! Yes same here, people around me aren't which is what made me start wondering..

[quote TorringtonDean]@TornadoTrinity

Even if I am statistically unusual that doesn’t make it just. I think actually my sort of situation is increasingly common. I also stupidly thought I was somehow groundbreaking/achieving some sort of equality and it wasn’t easy working in a tough job and raising kids. My reward is to be treated like this.

I am also left with the costs of supporting my late teen/20s kids on my own - the same sort of costs of cars and uni that many middle class families stump up even if not legally obliged to. He resents paying the small amount of child maintenance for the under-18 kid, which is actually just a refund on the money I paid him!

I console myself by thinking that even if he took my pot of gold, I am the golden goose and can lay more golden eggs![/quote]
I think it is. Me and my partner aren't married but have been together 6 years. We will get married one day I think but of our 5 closest couples none of us are married yet and all of the women, myself included out earn their partners by a large margin. My partner put the entire deposit down on our house when we bought it and insisted we be joint tenants, understanding that I put a lot of money and time into it's upkeep. So I wouldn't be left with nothing if we split.

None of us are religious so I just don't think there is a societal pressure to do it anymore. That said, I think it's highly likely the majority of us will eventually, it's just not a priority

And class wise we are all middle class so I don't think class is particularly relevant on this issue

Because I’m not religious and it would add literally nothing to my relationship other than a huge hole in my bank account and a hangover

I’m not religious at all and doubt most people are when they get married. DH and I got married when DC1 was a young baby. I insisted literally straight after she was born (can’t remember being that bothered before!) as I thought it was important and saw it as a contract that we’d stay together to raise her. We only had a small wedding, didn’t cost too much.

I really don’t understand why people have DC together but think marriage is not important or ‘just a piece of paper’. Having DC together is a disproportionately bigger commitment. Marriage gives you legal protection so why wouldn’t you?

Marriage does not give legal protection. See my earlier post. I’ll never remarry.

@UserOfManyNames

I’m not religious at all and doubt most people are when they get married. DH and I got married when DC1 was a young baby. I insisted literally straight after she was born (can’t remember being that bothered before!) as I thought it was important and saw it as a contract that we’d stay together to raise her. We only had a small wedding, didn’t cost too much.

I really don’t understand why people have DC together but think marriage is not important or ‘just a piece of paper’. Having DC together is a disproportionately bigger commitment. Marriage gives you legal protection so why wouldn’t you?

For the reasons stated before, all of my friends earn considerably more than our partners and co-own our home. We will probably it's just not a priority

Marriage gives protection to the more vulnerable party. Such as a parent going part time or giving up work for a few years. But that protection comes at a cost to the other party.

Which is why marriage should be a carefully considered course of action. And unmarried couples should be careful not to put themselves in a vulnerable situation.

Not true. I went part time. I also had to give my ex-husband a load of money to clear off as I earned a bigger salary even after reducer hours. I am the one left feeding, clothing and housing the kids. The “protection” only applies to traditional SAHPs.