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Original poster

Why don't so many people marry here?

192 replies

thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 14:52

Hello, I'm creating this thread solely to understand more about the culture in the UK. I come from Pakistan where culturally and religiously marriage is celebrated very widely. I moved here about 2 years ago and have noticed that most (not all) people I come across are not married. They have children with their partners and they live with their partners but they just don't get married (or very less do) I'm not sure why that is. They are living life as a married couple but still don't marry. And I'm just wondering what's the motivation behind that for both men and women..

Again, I mean no offence to the people or the culture here. I just want to understand it better. Would love to hear everyone's thought and opinions..

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 08/09/2021 21:22

Almost every female friend of mine with children is married to their partner/the kids’ father. I can only think of one who is not.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 08/09/2021 21:34
  1. The expense.
  2. The expense of getting divorced.
choli · 08/09/2021 21:41

I know loads of women who want to be married but their partner won’t propose.
Surely marriage is something to discuss as an adult couple, not one person waiting for a proposal?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
User135644 · 08/09/2021 21:47

True, I do feel marriage offers greater protection to women and not marrying seems like a win-win for men.

Don't Millenial women outearn Millenial men on average? Therefore marriage rates have dropped massively in under 40s.

workwoes123 · 08/09/2021 21:54

My sister isn’t married: partly because of Patriarchy and partly because she felt “the word wife isn’t one I can associate with myself». Which I don’t really understand but I think she dislikes what she sees as the baggage associated with marriage. I find this odd: DH and I are equal partners, when I hear ‘wife” thats so what I think of - partner.

However she’s just done a civil partnership with her long term partner, and her reasons for doing so are very similar to the reasons people usually give for getting married - being automatic next of kin, sharing pensions (she’s by far the lower earner and she lives in her partner’s flat), wanting to demonstrate their commitment to each other. My mum and aunt describe her as married 😂.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/09/2021 22:08

Because it's considered perfectly acceptable to have kids with a partner without marrying

Because religion is not important to all that many people living in the U.K.

Because it's considered normal and acceptable to have kids out of wedlock

Because marriage doesn't actually change your rights if you split up all that much

Because weddings cost a lot

Because people are leaving it late to have kids and want to make sure they do so before they are too old to do so.

Because the pandemic has meant that weddings were cancelled so people cracked on and had kids anyway.

I'm married and love being married, but would quite happily have had kids first.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 23:07

@choli

I know loads of women who want to be married but their partner won’t propose. Surely marriage is something to discuss as an adult couple, not one person waiting for a proposal?
Sounds like they've discussed it, but the man doesn't want to get married! I doubt they're waiting in silence!
Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 23:11

@Toodlydoo

People saying they wouldn’t want to change their names - you don’t have to. I didn’t and I’m from a similar cultural background to OP.
Don't some Pakistani women take their husband's first name as a surname? You don't have to in the UK either and most people know that (I have come across some people who think it's compulsory!) so I presume it's just used as an excuse for some other reason for not wanting to marry.
Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 23:16

"I’d suggest wondering why people do get married, rather than why they don’t. You don’t have to do anything at all to be unmarried, you have to take active steps to be married, so those steps need to have a proven benefit to the participants."

Hmmm. Being single is the default state. We're all born single, but many people buy a house and have children with someone else. I think it's a valid question to ask why those people think buying a house and having children are acceptable commitments for them, but marriage isn't. The point is that many people live as if they were married, but are not and it's also a big change compared to recent decades.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 23:18

@TorringtonDean

Marriage does not give legal protection. See my earlier post. I’ll never remarry.
Marriage gives legal protection to the lower earner.
Frazzled2207 · 08/09/2021 23:35
  1. These days there isn’t really a “need” if you’re happy as you are. It would be considered unusual to marry without cohabiting first. Once you do cohabit, what’s the point?
  1. Weddings have become much fancier in recent years and so expectations are high. Some couples just can’t afford it, or have better ways to spend £20k. Totally rational IMO. Yes they could have a cheap register office wedding but that would piss off the family so less aggro to just not.
  1. Some couples I know just don’t fancy being the centre of attention as you would be in a wedding. Nothing against marriage just really don’t want a wedding.
TorringtonDean · 09/09/2021 00:00

Legal protection for men who abandon their children - not a “protection” worth having!

Guineapigbridge · 09/09/2021 01:45

There are major socio economic differences in marriage trends.
The poor or lower classes seldom marry. Why would they? They don't have assets to protect or future assets that will accumulate. There's also a higher likelihood that they've come from blended or complicated family setups themselves, so there's less trust in the institution. And the church has no influence.

Guineapigbridge · 09/09/2021 01:46

Oh, and the cost of a big wedding party is seen as a major barrier.

irresistibleoverwhelm · 09/09/2021 02:10

True, I do feel marriage offers greater protection to women and not marrying seems like a win-win for men.

I earn more and I own the house. Might think differently about marriage if he did 😂

In all seriousness, my parents had a horrible marriage and partly as a result I’ve never wanted to marry. I like being a bit independent. I’m not religious either and never had any girlish dreams about weddings and wedding dresses (I was always fiercely feminist and sceptical about marriage even as a preteen!)

I also hate being the centre of attention at anything, and cannot imagine anything more horrifying than a big party full of friends and relatives with me as the centrepiece! I would literally die of embarrassment! 🤦‍♀️😂

irresistibleoverwhelm · 09/09/2021 02:20

@5zeds

id say they are more like love cum arranged marriages. this doesn’t read well OP, better to use the standard spelling “come”
She’s using it in its correct sense - Latin for “with”. Replacing it with “come” would be incorrect/meaningless.

(The usage you’re referring to is a common misspelling of something else…)

Kanaloa · 09/09/2021 03:45

@SeriouslyISuppose

Maybe ask yourself why so many people get married in Pakistan, a country that still hasn’t quite decided whether it wants to be a secular state with a Muslim population or an Islamic State with Sharia law, including (until very recently — I don’t know whether it has changed in recent years) a woman needing to have four male witnesses to penetration if she made an accusation of tape, snd who was liable to be prosecuted for adultery and hence technically subject to a range of medieval punishments like stoning or lashes? I’m aware these were seldom actually inflicted, but it’s indicative of the strong stigma son extramarital sex. That doesn’t exist elsewhere.
This is what I was thinking to be honest. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why Pakistani women might be more likely to want to get married.

Many things like single motherhood, casual dating etc are more acceptable in the UK, so there isn’t the same strong social pressure to have to get married.

Veronika13 · 09/09/2021 04:01

Two reasons:

  1. I've been married before so can't be bothered to organise another expensive party
  2. Luckily I live in a country where a couple in a two year relationship has the same legal rights and responsibilities as a married couple
Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 09/09/2021 06:38

@5zeds

id say they are more like love cum arranged marriages. this doesn’t read well OP, better to use the standard spelling “come”
OP I think the PP means that cum spelt this way means ejaculate rather than come :)
whiterheg · 09/09/2021 06:43

Cum has been used entirely correctly here.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 09/09/2021 06:47

Fair enough I have never seen it used in that way so apologies!

freshFortunes · 09/09/2021 07:05

Partly the cost, I can think of way better things to spend £10k on. Yes, we could get married in a registry office but I've worked damn hard to buy this house before DP came along, over my dead body am I effectively signing a bit of paper that says if he leaves me it will cost a bloody fortune and he can have half of my stuff...

PearlyRising · 09/09/2021 07:12

Because its not shameful not to be married, but it can be financially very damaging

SylvanianFrenemies · 09/09/2021 07:12

We aren't religious.
I am financially independent so no motivation there.
We have been together almost 20y and are committed to each other. I don't particularly get why we would need to get married.
We aren't very organised. We own a home and have kids now. I don't really see the point, though don't entirely rule it out for fun/inheritance purposes.

Bizjustgotreal · 09/09/2021 07:12

Weddings and marriage have become so expensive that it is a privilege that fewer people afford to do.

Trying to plan my own budget wedding has at times felt like finding a needle in a haystack. It's doable, however.

Especially after having a child, maybe people, myself included, feel that it's money that would be spent better elsewhere.

Saying that, I know that it is important to both me and my fiance that we are married for legal purposes and for the sake of our children.

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