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Original poster

Why don't so many people marry here?

192 replies

thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 14:52

Hello, I'm creating this thread solely to understand more about the culture in the UK. I come from Pakistan where culturally and religiously marriage is celebrated very widely. I moved here about 2 years ago and have noticed that most (not all) people I come across are not married. They have children with their partners and they live with their partners but they just don't get married (or very less do) I'm not sure why that is. They are living life as a married couple but still don't marry. And I'm just wondering what's the motivation behind that for both men and women..

Again, I mean no offence to the people or the culture here. I just want to understand it better. Would love to hear everyone's thought and opinions..

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 16:19

"Tends to be the full time or higher earner this happens to, and a lot of women are filling this role now"

Yes, marriage protects the lower earning spouse who had to make sacrifices for the marriage (move for the other's job, for example) or give up work for the children. That's whether it's a man or a woman.

bobblebeebob · 08/09/2021 16:19

Im not married but in a ltr with a child and a mortgage

Should things turn sour, i can leave easily. We would sell the house but otherwise, i am financially independent. My assets are my own

I think thats sensible

Curioushorse · 08/09/2021 16:20

Hi @thoughtsandstuff my sharing of the statistics was mainly just to show that most people are married? I think it's possibly the group of people you know. I have a couple of friends who are single and, while I do have friends who had children before they married, they are married now. I honestly don't really know anybody my age in a relationship who isn't married.

I think it's still the relationship goal of most people.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 16:20

@JLQ1020

I also think part ( not all but some part) is that financially a number of people would be better off not married. Especially to do with tax credits benefits etc. Also weddings are very expensive and most people pay for their own these days without family help and tend it use that money for buying a house deposit instead.
Yes, for people on benefits they're better off living separately (or at least appearing to) and getting benefits as single people.
TornadoTrinity · 08/09/2021 16:21

I think giving couples the same rights as married couples as soon as they move in together is way worse than marriage. Jesus, you'd want to be really careful who you moved in with! If you split, you have to share assets and everything @Gwenhwyfar? Thank Christ I don't live where you are!

I know a man whose wife died, leaving him a massive house. He then moved in with a horrible woman who had her own dcs. If she had automatically got the same rights as she would if she was married, when her partner died, wouldn't she be likely to inherit his whole house and then leave it to her own dcs, cutting his DCs out? You think this system is better than having a clear contract where you have to have capacity and actually sign it (the contract being a marriage contract)? Yikes, sounds horrible. Where is it so I can make sure I avoid it Grin?

Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 16:22

@TornadoTrinity

Weirdly, all of my close friends who have DCs are married.
Mine too. They usually lived together for a while, then got married a year or two before having children. However, I lived in a very low income area for a while and I'd be surprised if anybody there under the age of 60 was married.
Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 16:24

"I think giving couples the same rights as married couples as soon as they move in together is way worse than marriage. Jesus, you'd want to be really careful who you moved in with! If you split, you have to share assets and everything @Gwenhwyfar? Thank Christ I don't live where you are!"

I think you do still have to register as living together and if you don't do that you'll be seen as housemates legally.
Also, even married people here do not have to share assets as you can marry either under shared assets or separate assets regime.

TornadoTrinity · 08/09/2021 16:25

@Gwenhwyfar

"I think giving couples the same rights as married couples as soon as they move in together is way worse than marriage. Jesus, you'd want to be really careful who you moved in with! If you split, you have to share assets and everything *@Gwenhwyfar*? Thank Christ I don't live where you are!"

I think you do still have to register as living together and if you don't do that you'll be seen as housemates legally.
Also, even married people here do not have to share assets as you can marry either under shared assets or separate assets regime.

Ah that's a lot more sensible.
Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 16:25

"If she had automatically got the same rights as she would if she was married, when her partner died, wouldn't she be likely to inherit his whole house and then leave it to her own dcs, cutting his DCs out? "

Wouldn't happen here because inheritance laws favours the children over the spouse (which can have its own problems).
I never said the system was better by the way.

TornadoTrinity · 08/09/2021 16:26

But surely registering your relationship is a bit like...marriage? Just without the wedding.

TornadoTrinity · 08/09/2021 16:27

@Gwenhwyfar

"If she had automatically got the same rights as she would if she was married, when her partner died, wouldn't she be likely to inherit his whole house and then leave it to her own dcs, cutting his DCs out? "

Wouldn't happen here because inheritance laws favours the children over the spouse (which can have its own problems).
I never said the system was better by the way.

No, I know you didn't. That's why I was asking!
Original poster
thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 16:28

@Curioushorse

Hi *@thoughtsandstuff* my sharing of the statistics was mainly just to show that most people are married? I think it's possibly the group of people you know. I have a couple of friends who are single and, while I do have friends who had children before they married, they are married now. I honestly don't really know anybody my age in a relationship who isn't married.

I think it's still the relationship goal of most people.

Yes ofcourse! Must be the ones I've come across.
OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 16:29

" If she had automatically got the same rights as she would if she was married, when her partner died, wouldn't she be likely to inherit his whole house and then leave it to her own dcs, cutting his DCs out?"

But that kind of thing would help this man who complains that he wasn not treated as a widower after his partner died, even though for other benefits, cohabiting partners ARE treated as one unit.

www.cambrian-news.co.uk/article.cfm?id=127086&headline=MP%20backs%20grieving%20dad%20in%20benefit%20battle&sectionIs=news&searchyear=2019

TornadoTrinity · 08/09/2021 16:31

That story is really sad, but...was there a reason they couldn't have just got married? In your country's system would he also have struggled to get help, assuming they hadn't registered properly as living together?

Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 16:32

@TornadoTrinity

But surely registering your relationship is a bit like...marriage? Just without the wedding.
One appointment at the town hall, in a country where each person has to register at the town hall anyway. But yes, I suppose it's similar to a civil partnership.
TornadoTrinity · 08/09/2021 16:34

@TornadoTrinity

That story is really sad, but...was there a reason they couldn't have just got married? In your country's system would he also have struggled to get help, assuming they hadn't registered properly as living together?
My point is that they had the option to get married. If there was a system where no registration was needed and you automatically got the same rights as a married couple the day you moved in together, that would be an obstacle to moving in together unless you were very sure you wanted to basically get married. I know in your country gwyn, you say they'd have to register. Just as in this country you need to get married to get those rights. It absolutely sucks when the legal system trips people up, but it happens all the time. It doesn't mean the law is necessarily wrong.
Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 16:34

@TornadoTrinity

That story is really sad, but...was there a reason they couldn't have just got married? In your country's system would he also have struggled to get help, assuming they hadn't registered properly as living together?
In some of the articles he explains that they prioritised buying a house. I suppose you could argue that they should have got a very cheap wedding, but on the other hand I think he has a point that the benefits office will not care if a cohabiting couple is not married when reducing their benefits, only when allocating them. I'm not sure what would have been the case where I live, but I suspect he would have been OK.
TornadoTrinity · 08/09/2021 16:34

But yes, I suppose it's similar to a civil partnership.

And civil partnership is available to all couples in the UK now I think. There are options other than the big, white wedding!

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 08/09/2021 16:35

'So are you saying that marriage is viewed as something that causes the husband and wife to be unequal?'

@thoughtsandstuff sorry couldn't quote you so just copied and pasted your question. No I don't think so, I just think it supports a traditional set up where one person steps back after marriage or children and might need added protection.

Out of my friends also mid thirties and having had children/expecting children, less than 50% are married. In the main they earn similar or more than partners and have / are maintaining a career. So they probably don't see a pressing need. Not saying we won't get married down the line but not a priority for us now

Boomkin · 08/09/2021 16:35

If you aren’t planning to have children together then you’re better off retaining your freedom and individual finances. You don’t want the hassle of divorce if you split up, or the burden of having to pay out and share your personal assets.

For people who do have children, the cost of a ring and a wedding is often a big barrier. Or maybe the man thinks he can have his cake and eat it. I know loads of women who want to be married but their partner won’t propose. It’s sad, some of them actually wear a ring and even changed their surname to match him and the kids, because they’re embarrassed about not being married. At the end of the day it’s basically because women let them get away with it.

80sMum · 08/09/2021 16:35

When I was growing up, in the 1960s, it was unusual for a couple to live together without first getting married. There was a lot of disapproval of sex before marriage and unmarried couples were referred to as "living in sin".
It was the expected norm that when you met someone to whom you were attracted and with whom you wanted to have sex, you married them first.
There was a recognised "order of play" with relationships: firstly casual dates (eg going to see a film, going out for a walk together), then there was "courting", whereby the relationship became monogamous. A marriage proposal usually followed, then a period of engagement, during which time plans were made for the wedding and the marital home. After marriage, came children.
So, 50 or 60 years ago, the UK was very similar to Pakistan in its views on marriage.

These days, practically anything goes and there is a sort of "try before you buy" culture. It's pretty rare nowadays for a couple to marry without first having lived together as if they were married.

dontwantausername · 08/09/2021 16:36

Quite simply and in a nutshell, women no longer insist upon it. If they did and refused moving in, having kids and sex marriages would vastly increase.

Travielkapelka · 08/09/2021 16:39

All my friends with children are married, without exception. I wanted to get married as I didn’t believe in having children without being married. However I am no longer married and I’ll never get married again as I have no need to. I’ve got kids, I’ve got my own money and I’ve got my independence. I don’t know why I would bother.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 08/09/2021 16:42

We are getting married next weekend and been together 19 years. Didn't get engaged until 9 years in and then life happened. Moved cities, travelled, had a baby and it got overwhelming thinking about it. Covid happened and I just thought let's do it. I don't really think anything will feel different but it will be nice to be a DW instead of a DP

Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 16:43

"When I was growing up, in the 1960s, it was unusual for a couple to live together without first getting married. There was a lot of disapproval of sex before marriage and unmarried couples were referred to as "living in sin"."

It was still called living in sin in the early 90s or living 'over the brush'.
I remember watching a soap opera in the 80s when one woman said of another "She's not a Miss or a Mrs is she?"
Now, it's the other way around. People who don't live together first are considered odd and the ONS shows their marriages are more likely to fail.

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