Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Why don't so many people marry here?

192 replies

thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 14:52

Hello, I'm creating this thread solely to understand more about the culture in the UK. I come from Pakistan where culturally and religiously marriage is celebrated very widely. I moved here about 2 years ago and have noticed that most (not all) people I come across are not married. They have children with their partners and they live with their partners but they just don't get married (or very less do) I'm not sure why that is. They are living life as a married couple but still don't marry. And I'm just wondering what's the motivation behind that for both men and women..

Again, I mean no offence to the people or the culture here. I just want to understand it better. Would love to hear everyone's thought and opinions..

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 08/09/2021 16:45

"So, 50 or 60 years ago, the UK was very similar to Pakistan in its views on marriage."

A quick google tells me arranged marriages and cousin marriage are still very common in Pakistan so I don't think that's quite true. (Sorry if my info is wrong OP).

Original poster
thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 16:45

@A1b2c3d4e5f6g7

'So are you saying that marriage is viewed as something that causes the husband and wife to be unequal?'

@thoughtsandstuff sorry couldn't quote you so just copied and pasted your question. No I don't think so, I just think it supports a traditional set up where one person steps back after marriage or children and might need added protection.

Out of my friends also mid thirties and having had children/expecting children, less than 50% are married. In the main they earn similar or more than partners and have / are maintaining a career. So they probably don't see a pressing need. Not saying we won't get married down the line but not a priority for us now

Ah right..it's just more traditional
OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 08/09/2021 16:46

Well, I am married, and happily so, but I earn a lot more than my husband and it would be very bad for me financially if we were to get divorced. Maybe more people - both male and female - are making that calculation?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
DocAutumn · 08/09/2021 16:47

I think it is almost always one of the couple, usually the man, keeping their options open.

Boomkin · 08/09/2021 16:48

The sad thing is that for many women, being married offers a lot of protection once you have children.
Such as?
The woman is the one who gets pregnant and has to take sick leave and maternity leave. She’s the one who potentially has long term health issues resulting from childbirth. She’s usually the one whose income reduces because she has to work around childcare, and that affects her long term prospects, her pension and lifetime earnings. Being married basically indemnifies you against that loss.

For me personally, marriage means that I inherit our house and MIL can’t whinge about it or attempt to contest the will (and if there is no will I get everything). It means I get his life insurance if he dies. I also get his car and everything else he owns. I would potentially get bereavement benefits worth several thousand pounds. And I won’t pay any inheritance tax. That’s important because I’ll be left with a child to raise on my own and I’ll need the money. In the long term I’ll be entitled to a chunk of the pension he paid into, which will benefit me in my old age because (being the lower earner due to childcare) I have a smaller pension pot.

Boomkin · 08/09/2021 16:50

Oh, and if he decides to divorce me later on I get a chunk of cash in the divorce, a share of assets that he paid for, and a portion of his pension pot, to make up for the fact that I earned less because I stayed at home looking after his kids.

Neonplant · 08/09/2021 16:50

I'm not married. I've been with my partner 17 years this month. We own a home together. But we don't have children and don't intend to have any.

I think it's a patriarchal institution which I don't want to buy into. I wouldn't change my name or use Mrs either.

I hate the idea of a wedding too.

There's no family pressure. We're not religious either.

Interesting what pp said about class. We're both well educated earn well and are middle class. Yet marriage is just not relevant to me.

But we do realise we should probably do it or get a civil partnership for legal protection.

Applesandpears23 · 08/09/2021 16:52

We have children, own a home together and as far as I am concerned are as committed as many people. We aren’t married because the idea of entering into that contract with its dubious history is unappealing to me, a wedding is unappealing to me and my partner has been married before. Somewhat non traditionally I had to help him get his divorce paperwork sorted whilst on paternity leave with our first child so in our case we didn’t have an option to get married before children!

TorringtonDean · 08/09/2021 16:52

Higher earning ex-wife here. I was fleeced in the divorce. I also did most of the child-rearing and even went part-time to spend time with kids (while still earning more than my full-time earning husband). I wasn’t a millionaire and he wasn’t a bin man but I was prudent and saved while he was reckless and spent. So I was made to pay cash to him!

Marriage is NOT a good deal for any woman in my situation. I’d never marry again and it does not give any “legal protection”. That’s a myth.

SoManyPaws · 08/09/2021 16:52

We’ve been together almost 25 years and never married, mainly my choice, I think he’d have married me if I would have wanted that but was fine with not. I just don’t see the point, we’re happy and finances are sorted. I hate attention so would have hated any sort of wedding day, no matter how small. It works for us.

Original poster
thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 16:53

@Gwenhwyfar

"So, 50 or 60 years ago, the UK was very similar to Pakistan in its views on marriage."

A quick google tells me arranged marriages and cousin marriage are still very common in Pakistan so I don't think that's quite true. (Sorry if my info is wrong OP).

No you are right. Arranged marriages are quite common but mindsets there too are changing. People are becoming more accepting towards love marriages. The arranged marriages themselves are such that the families usually know each other and encourage their children to speak to each other and figure out whether they are compatible or not. And if all is well then they marry..id say they are more like love cum arranged marriages.
OP posts:
Happylittlethoughts · 08/09/2021 16:55

Different reasons at different stages for me...
Growing up in the 70s, I never really wanted a husband. People's Dad's were a pain 🤣 I didn't dream of weddings and the thought of having to change my name filled me with shock and horror.
Later, I just felt I could never swear before God this was forever. I couldn't vow because I knew I would leave if I had to
Now as an older adult in these times, I wouldn't have to change my name, and I have lived with my partner for over 20 years. Wouldn't make any difference to me to marry. Its a dear game anyway

TornadoTrinity · 08/09/2021 16:55

@TorringtonDean

Higher earning ex-wife here. I was fleeced in the divorce. I also did most of the child-rearing and even went part-time to spend time with kids (while still earning more than my full-time earning husband). I wasn’t a millionaire and he wasn’t a bin man but I was prudent and saved while he was reckless and spent. So I was made to pay cash to him!

Marriage is NOT a good deal for any woman in my situation. I’d never marry again and it does not give any “legal protection”. That’s a myth.

A woman who earns enough, after DC's, to out-earn her husband even when she goes part time is statistically really unusual. So marriage does generally offer protection to women. But there will always be specific cases where it unfortunately does not.

Sorry that happened to you though. Awful.

FlorenceWintle · 08/09/2021 16:57

The decline of the church/religious belief.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/09/2021 16:57

Because I have my own money and home and dont want to give half of it away to a man. I dont want to share my child with a man either.

Boomkin · 08/09/2021 16:58

I wouldn't change my name or use Mrs either
Neither did I. Literally the only reason I wanted to get married was for the legal protection. Before we had kids I wanted to make sure I inherited everything and MIL didn’t try to take my home. After we had kids I wanted to also make sure that my financial losses due to childcare would be compensated in the event of death or divorce. It’s all about money, if I was rich I wouldn’t have bothered marrying him.

Original poster
thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 17:01

@Neonplant

I'm not married. I've been with my partner 17 years this month. We own a home together. But we don't have children and don't intend to have any.

I think it's a patriarchal institution which I don't want to buy into. I wouldn't change my name or use Mrs either.

I hate the idea of a wedding too.

There's no family pressure. We're not religious either.

Interesting what pp said about class. We're both well educated earn well and are middle class. Yet marriage is just not relevant to me.

But we do realise we should probably do it or get a civil partnership for legal protection.

I'm married. I haven't changed my name either. But I do actually kinda like the Mrs. to my name but maybe that's just me...
OP posts:
trappedsincesundaymorn · 08/09/2021 17:06

I married and divorced, I was left with very little at the end of it. I was the higher earner and he had claim to half of everything....even the house that my money paid for ( I had bought it before we met). Never again will I allow myself to be put in that position so will never marry DP even though we have been together nearly 20 years.

garlictwist · 08/09/2021 17:09

I'm not married as it makes no difference to me either way. If there was a compelling tax reason to marry or something that made business or legal sense I would. But we have wills, no assets for inheritance tax and no kids so there is no point, imho.

notsignedupforthis · 08/09/2021 17:10

I wanted to marry the father of my dc we were engaged twice. He made me cancel the first wedding. I left after 4 years of the second engagement. I got tired of being strung along by a mummy's boy. We were financial equals too. My self esteem is completely crushed by the feelings I have of unworthiness. I have two dc though that are my world.

whatswithtodaytoday · 08/09/2021 17:12

It is possible replicate most of the legal advantages of marriage without being married. Yes, the man could change his will and write you out of his pension etc, but he could also drain the joint account and leave you liable for his debts when you're married - marriage isn't protection against shit happening, it's just the easiest way of gaining as much protection as possible.

TorringtonDean · 08/09/2021 17:12

@TornadoTrinity

Even if I am statistically unusual that doesn’t make it just. I think actually my sort of situation is increasingly common. I also stupidly thought I was somehow groundbreaking/achieving some sort of equality and it wasn’t easy working in a tough job and raising kids. My reward is to be treated like this.

I am also left with the costs of supporting my late teen/20s kids on my own - the same sort of costs of cars and uni that many middle class families stump up even if not legally obliged to. He resents paying the small amount of child maintenance for the under-18 kid, which is actually just a refund on the money I paid him!

I console myself by thinking that even if he took my pot of gold, I am the golden goose and can lay more golden eggs!

Original poster
thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 17:17

@notsignedupforthis

I wanted to marry the father of my dc we were engaged twice. He made me cancel the first wedding. I left after 4 years of the second engagement. I got tired of being strung along by a mummy's boy. We were financial equals too. My self esteem is completely crushed by the feelings I have of unworthiness. I have two dc though that are my world.
I'm so sorry that happened to you but your worthiness has nothing to do with what you went through. Your children are lucky to have you and children are such a huge blessing in themselves..
OP posts:
beigebrownblue · 08/09/2021 17:17

Quite interested to know where the statistics quoted originate from.

1 in four parents are single or lone parents. Includes those that are widowed, divorced, or never got married in the first place.

I feel there is definitely an element of women in particular wanting to go it alone entirely.

Absence of tension around chores etc. with a partner. As hard as it can sometimes be as a single parent having to do so much on your own, I feel it is way better than being married.

5zeds · 08/09/2021 17:33

id say they are more like love cum arranged marriages. this doesn’t read well OP, better to use the standard spelling “come”