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Original poster

Why don't so many people marry here?

192 replies

thoughtsandstuff · 08/09/2021 14:52

Hello, I'm creating this thread solely to understand more about the culture in the UK. I come from Pakistan where culturally and religiously marriage is celebrated very widely. I moved here about 2 years ago and have noticed that most (not all) people I come across are not married. They have children with their partners and they live with their partners but they just don't get married (or very less do) I'm not sure why that is. They are living life as a married couple but still don't marry. And I'm just wondering what's the motivation behind that for both men and women..

Again, I mean no offence to the people or the culture here. I just want to understand it better. Would love to hear everyone's thought and opinions..

OP posts:
PearlyRising · 09/09/2021 07:15

@BabyMoonPie

I assume it's because there is no longer a cultural stigma in living with a partner / having children outside marriage and a lot of people aren't religious so that doesn't influence them either like it would in the past
Yes yhis op. And even though i left with nothing i still wouldnt want to go back to shame and stigma
EverybodyIsInteresting · 09/09/2021 07:18

I didn't marry the father of my children.

He has been married before, and was cautious about marrying again. By the time he wanted to marry me, I knew I didn't want to be tied to him in that way, so I said no. It was a good decision.

Marriage can offer protection to women, maybe even most women, but in my case it was very much in my best interests not to be married to him.

PearlyRising · 09/09/2021 07:27

I ranked what felt like my worst fears at the time I go pregnant "out of wedlock"
Being a single parent forever?
Being financially restricted fot a long time?
Dealing with shame and outdated attitudes?
Never having children?

And number 4 seemed the scariest at that point so i went ahead and had children out of marriage. Big mistake. Im ok now. We have enough. I have a tiny house, a secure job and two clever healthy spirited kids.

It was a low self worth decision i know that now.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
PearlyRising · 09/09/2021 07:28

I should add thpugh, ive no desire to be married and often feel relieved im not.

Bizjustgotreal · 09/09/2021 07:32

@themostwondertimeoftheyear - 'cum' is a preposition used to describe things with a dual nature or function, derived from Latin.

HungryHippo11 · 09/09/2021 07:34

@Chotuladoo

Seeing the hurt of parents stuck in marriages that wasn't working. My friends at school suffering so much pain when their parents divorced. We've still got married bc that's what we felt was right for us, but I never romantically dreamed of happy ever after because I know marriage isn't necessarily like that....not sure if that makes sense.
Surely those kids would have been in just as much pain if their non-married parents separated? I doubt they were aware of the legal goings on behind the scenes.
Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 09/09/2021 07:37

[quote Bizjustgotreal]@themostwondertimeoftheyear - 'cum' is a preposition used to describe things with a dual nature or function, derived from Latin.[/quote]
Thank you :) I have never seen it used before so it surprised me. For dual functions all my friends use / so garage/workshop, I guess because it is quicker to type out so cum has come to be exclusively associated with ejaculate among us but good to learn something new.

BackAgain5thAccount · 09/09/2021 07:37

It’s a very good question. There are people I have known with one house each, who didn’t/haven’t got married for tax reasons (until in one case one partner was about to die and then they married for other tax reasons). I know that’s not statistically significant.
My mother-in-law got excited about having a daughter-in-law because it’s so simple to say compared to son’s partner or whatever.
I think maybe there is a certain stigma amongst the middle/upper middle class on having children as a couple outside marriage. The middle classes pride themselves on thinking long term and considering financial implications.

PearlyRising · 09/09/2021 07:39

Not being married helped me escape a toxic situation more easily. No assets at stake. Just got out.

Bizjustgotreal · 09/09/2021 07:41

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear - I'd seen it used as such before - but Google put it into words for me ;)

gardeninggirl68 · 09/09/2021 07:41

In this modern day d ask why so many people are STILL hung up on an outdated concept like this

Look at divorce rates. Look at the relationship board!!!! There's so much unhappiness.... life's too short!

PearlyRising · 09/09/2021 07:43

@backagain5thaccount
I agree, im middle class so it was a shock to f&f when i didnt get married, but i was raised to put mysrlf last and expected to find a husband. Ridiculous, but that's a different thread.

In irelandca friend joked to be that it's only travellers and posh people who definitely marry now. There is truth in this. In the middle, people do or dont do what suits them/what they can afford. The RULES arent quite so deeply carved in stone.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 09/09/2021 07:48

Among mine and DH's friends and family marriage is still very much the norm. Some have had DC first but do get married afterwards. Those who are single all want to get married one day. We are middle class so supports the PP who have mentioned that it is more common among the middle classes.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 09/09/2021 07:54

Just for balance... reasons friends and I have married...

  • want ing to work or live abroad... visa situation easier
  • work benefits (especially with Forces couples, although there is a process to recognise unmarried couples too, its complicated)
  • inheritance tax
  • retirees wanting their relationship to be legal

Reasons they haven't...

  • expense.
Jade308 · 09/09/2021 07:56

As the main bread winner and home owner but also the one who took maternity leave and the main care giver there literally seems no point.

alexdgr8 · 09/09/2021 12:03

[quote Bizjustgotreal]@themostwondertimeoftheyear - 'cum' is a preposition used to describe things with a dual nature or function, derived from Latin.[/quote]
and two joined parishes, or localities, eg
www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/Chorlton-Cum-Hardy.html

people revealing their ignorance by presuming to correct others' entirely correct usage remind me of the toddler, stamping her foot, and declaring petulantly: not a looking glass, is a mirror ! say it properly granny !

TheBraveLittleTailor · 09/09/2021 12:10

Worse really because a looking glass is a mirror!

YourFinestPantaloons · 09/09/2021 12:23

It's foolish not to marry in this country when you have children PURELY from a legal perspective, you don't have a fraction of the protections you would if you did marry.

That's where the 'problem' begins and ends.

I'm sure Pakistan has many practices we would question but it's kind of rude to do that to another culture, and such is the joy of diversity and everyone/every country being different to the next!

As my mum says it would be boring if we were all the same

Jade308 · 09/09/2021 12:35

@YourFinestPantaloons only if your not financially secure in your own right

Gwenhwyfar · 09/09/2021 18:32

@TheBraveLittleTailor

Worse really because a looking glass is a mirror!
I think that was the whole point.
Gwenhwyfar · 09/09/2021 18:35

@gardeninggirl68

In this modern day d ask why so many people are STILL hung up on an outdated concept like this

Look at divorce rates. Look at the relationship board!!!! There's so much unhappiness.... life's too short!

Yes, but I suppose OP is not asking single people why they're not married, she's wondering about people who live exactly like married people ie own a house together and have children together, present themselves as a family, etc.
TheBraveLittleTailor · 09/09/2021 18:37

But looking glass and mirror are equally correct, but ‘cum’ and ‘come’ aren’t.
I wasn’t pointing out that looking glass means mirror. I hope that clarifies.

Cerebelle · 09/09/2021 19:04

I don't want children so that is not a barrier for me. I earn more than average and own a mortgaged house, car etc. My ex and current DP earn far less than me and have no assets. If I had married my ex, I would have had to pay legal fees and a chunk of my house/possibly pension to get rid of him after years of him sponging off me. Luckily, I could just send him back to his parents with none of my hard earned cash.

Marriage is too risky for me. I would consider marrying a financial equal but I haven't met one I actually like. I might marry current DP if we are still together in old age to give him easier access to my pension death benefits. I basically view marriage as a legal contract I will only enter if it suits my circumstances.

YourFinestPantaloons · 09/09/2021 21:25

[quote Jade308]@YourFinestPantaloons only if your not financially secure in your own right [/quote]
Not just about financial security but if the worst happens and someone dies, you are not next of kin of you aren't married even if you have kids.

I had a friend whose partner of 20 years died suddenly and the sister he hadn't seen for over 2 decades got his money and property. My friend and him didn't have kids together but they built a life she wasn't legally part of because they never wed

TorringtonDean · 09/09/2021 23:14

@YourFinestPantaloons if you are financially secure yourself then marriage is a massive risk.

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