Mumsnet solutions that amuse / bemuse me

[Wishimaywishimight]

Relationship problems;

LTB - fair enough when it's dire circumstances, abuse etc. but oftentimes it's when DH/DP grumbles about doing a household task or wants to take a nap.

Change the locks - DH/DP stays out late after going for a drink and neglects to keep in touch with partner / spouse.

Leave his bags outside the front door - see above.

Money problems;

Go part time / full time - are there many jobs where you can even switch like this?

Increase your hours - what? How does this even work. I have never had a job where I was paid / contracted for a number of hours. If I said to my boss that I wanted to increase my hours she would say in rather a puzzled tone; "Fine, come in earlier, leave later, whatever you like".

Noisy Neighbours;

Move to a detached house - um, yes, that's an easy solution. Where I live a detached house is probably €80k more expensive than a semi-detached so cost would be a consideration.

DH/DP doesn't want to get married and/or have children;

Dump him and find a man who does. Often the OP's in these situations are mid to late 30's - are there really hordes of eligible single men out there queueing up to meet 30 something women with a frantically ticking biological clock?

Trying to think of a few more, these are the ones that jumped out at me!

Add more protein. Doesn't matter what the issue is - child seems hungry after school, the dog shat on the carpet, your WiFi is on the blink - everything comes back to fucking protein. And every meal ever posted must be carefully scrutinised for adequate protein.

NB: all of the above issues can also be solved with a 'massive salad' or the infamous MN chicken.

Find a friend and apply for the job as a job share. I've seen hundreds of CVs and job applications, and literally never seen anyone apply in pairs as a job share.

Have you tried co-sleeping?

Pop the baby in a sling

Google the 4th trimester

If you're a landlord you should give your house to the tenants as they obviously need it more

@SionnachRua Thank you - that totally made me laugh!!

Honestly? I think MN is the WORST for parenting advice.

Babies - stick them in a sling and put your feet up and watch Netflix apart from the fact that what a lot of babies like about slings is the sensation of being rocked while you walk, it might work for tiny newborns but actually most babies do need a little bit of stimulation and play.

Co sleeping is a big pile of smelly poo. The baby might sleep. You won’t!

Toddlers - whatever they do is normal, even if it’s beating the shit out of you and everyone else around them.

Teenagers - turn off the WiFi. Whatever it is.

Once they are 16, if they behave in a way you don’t like, demand they move out.

Perhaps MN is better with advice for the 4-11 age bracket.

Terrible tragedy/trauma/accident kind of situations eg, partner has suddenly dropped dead. MN response: make sure you eat and drink something, perhaps some hot sweet tea and some toast.
Ffs!

Money problems? Take in some ironing!!

Ah yes, some poor frazzled woman is exhausted dealing with multiple issues - screaming baby, running wild toddler, lazy husband, interfering MIL and the solution is;

5 minutes to yourself for a cup of tea.

Tea! Not even gin... And 5 minutes ain't gonna help nobody!

Or a 'spa day' of course.

@ElderflowerRose

I don't have teenagers but I do read the posts and have often wondered about the magical 'turn off the wifi' solution. It really does seem to cure all ills!

Hiring a cleaner is the solution to all of life's problems. Despite the fact that most people asking for help are also skint.

Going no contact with granny who also looks after the kids for 50 hours a week while the precious and ungrateful parent of PFB OP works

@Finfintytint

How does a person even go about doing that? Also, wouldn't you have to iron like a bazillion shirts to make reasonable amount of money!

VoyageintheDark Google the fourth trimester... So much 😂

“Make your partner get a new job now”

Because everyone can get a new flexible job straight away that actually pays the bills.

When a poster is complaining that their DH/DP has rolled in drunk at 8am one solution often offered is to leave the child/children with said DH/DP and head out for the day. I mean; a) how much would one enjoy a day out knowing the kids are likely being ignored while daddy sleeps and b) the solution to some idiotic behaviour on the part of one party is hardly for the other party to essentially replicate it by also going AWOL. It might be briefly satisfying but it doesn't solve the issue in the long term.

If you don't have enough bedrooms, build a granny flat in the garden.

I'd be lucky if I could fit a 2-man tent in mine.

Turn off the WiFi makes me lol so much when most people (posting on mn anyway) probably have unlimited/very high data contacts. Switching the WiFi off won't affect those particular ungrateful teens one iota.

[quote Wishimaywishimight]@Finfintytint

How does a person even go about doing that? Also, wouldn't you have to iron like a bazillion shirts to make reasonable amount of money![/quote]
I know. Ironing would have to be an Olympic event with sponsorship, etc to make any money.

Get a better job, do some training so you can earn more, progress your career, move to a bigger/better house in a nicer area, get a new partner to marry / have babies with, ditch your crap friends and make new ones immediately, find a babysitter (go on, you must know somebody who'd take them!), go NC with all and sundry if they piss you off, sell your junk from the attic to make some extra cash, start your own business, do consultancy work, batch cook (no, fuck off), cook from scratch (see previous), only have takeaway once a year, same with alcohol...

I'm just ranting now I know...

@DanglingMod

Turn off the WiFi makes me lol so much when most people (posting on mn anyway) probably have unlimited/very high data contacts. Switching the WiFi off won't affect those particular ungrateful teens one iota.

Yep, we don’t have wifi in our flat, we’re still able to waste hours on the internet.

Buy a Ring doorbell. Yes, they are useful but if the OP has already said they are living in a council house on benefits, then maybe they don't have the spare cash for that.

My husband is lazy and neglectful with the kids - leave him alone with them all weekend.

Get an au pair.

Almost every time there's a parking thread or a bad neighbours one there are always posters who suggest the OP does something to the offending vehicle/fence etc which would basically be criminal damage.

I'm quite sure none of the posters who make the suggestions would actually dream of carrying them out themselves

If someone does a small favour for you, or you commit a minor sin and you want to make an appropriate gesture of thanks/apology you should give them:

• a hamper (never specified what's in this mythic mumsnet hamper), half a case of "good wine"/champagne, flowers, "posh chocs", supermarket vouchers.

Maybe the "good wine", "posh chocs" and supermarket vouchers are meant to go in the hamper?

@Kinneddar

Almost every time there's a parking thread or a bad neighbours one there are always posters who suggest the OP does something to the offending vehicle/fence etc which would basically be criminal damage.

I'm quite sure none of the posters who make the suggestions would actually dream of carrying them out themselves

Or the “she shoved my daughter” thread where people were proudly stating they would happily assault a stranger in front of their child.