Mumsnet solutions that amuse / bemuse me

[Wishimaywishimight]

Relationship problems;

LTB - fair enough when it's dire circumstances, abuse etc. but oftentimes it's when DH/DP grumbles about doing a household task or wants to take a nap.

Change the locks - DH/DP stays out late after going for a drink and neglects to keep in touch with partner / spouse.

Leave his bags outside the front door - see above.

Money problems;

Go part time / full time - are there many jobs where you can even switch like this?

Increase your hours - what? How does this even work. I have never had a job where I was paid / contracted for a number of hours. If I said to my boss that I wanted to increase my hours she would say in rather a puzzled tone; "Fine, come in earlier, leave later, whatever you like".

Noisy Neighbours;

Move to a detached house - um, yes, that's an easy solution. Where I live a detached house is probably €80k more expensive than a semi-detached so cost would be a consideration.

DH/DP doesn't want to get married and/or have children;

Dump him and find a man who does. Often the OP's in these situations are mid to late 30's - are there really hordes of eligible single men out there queueing up to meet 30 something women with a frantically ticking biological clock?

Trying to think of a few more, these are the ones that jumped out at me!

Some of these have really made me lol
On a more serious note to the parents with extremely challenging children with behavioural problems 'have you thought about asking the council for some respite ?' I work in a specialist team supporting these families and it is so naive to think there is endless reserves of respite care available on request- families I know in the most challenging imaginable situations may if they're very lucky get a couple of hours a few days a week but this takes a very long time and often requires a number of assessments and agencies being involved

Move schools, this is said over and over again to a myriad of problems. After haranguing the poor poster for choosing a school with a stupid uniform policy, discipline policy, or horror a religious school. Despite the fact that many posters have no choice over their school and/ or have been allocated a school that they would never have chosen if there was true choice in schools.

I'm surprised you've never had a job with contracted hours, it's universal in the public sector (usually 37 for full time - but then you can't really ask to 'increase your hours' above that - it would usually just go to flexi time), and for most low wage jobs such as hospitality, shop work etc. (e.g. you're on zero hours/ ten hours a week contract but there's always more shifts to pick up) which to be fair if people are posting about money worries then it's fairly likely they are more likely to be in those sort of jobs than a high flier in the private sector. So actually that's not a stupid suggestion in and of itself; the basic premise of need more money = do more paid work makes perfect sense - the issue comes when you have to find childcare/transport etc for the extra hours, plus worth out if they are enough when deductions for student loan/extra tax and NI, benefit decrease etc apply.

100% agree with the 'well what do you expect if you live in a flat/terrace/semi/anywhere that isn't Downton Abbey' if you dare to complain about neighbour noise. As if most people who could afford to live in a five bed detached in Little Hampsbury decide to live in an inner city mid terrace for the lols.

On the other hand though MN is equally full of stupid questions as stupid suggestions.

• could I be pregnant? (hmm if only there was a reliable scientific way to establish this rather than sourcing the opinions of internet randoms based on if you feel a bit sick or have a late period)
• What hobby would I like to do/where shall I go on holiday/how can I make friends (um surely the answer is Something/somewhere you find interesting - what's the point of me suggesting paddleboarding in Spain when you can't swim and hate the heat? Or joining your local church choir if you're an atheist who can't sing?
• What shall I buy x as a present - (same us above, something you think they'd enjoy ! All 11 year olds/elderly aunts aren't homogenous, you who know the person would probably be better placed to know what they might like than a bunch of randoms who have never met them!)
• what shall I buy in Lidl/Waitrose etc - (again, what's the point in me recommending steak if you're a vegan, plus different stores have completely different stock)
• should I take my child to A&E (RING 101 don't ask unqualified strangers with no medical expertise)

etc....

Checking into a hotel/having a spa day when you're on the bones of your arse.

There's one MN'er who seems to advise anyone having a crisis to drive to a MacDonald's drive thru, order a hot chocolate, park up and drink it slowly.

I just . . . I can't.

I should add the above doesn't apply if someone gives a modicum of information e.g. 'Where should we go on holiday - we're looking for somewhere by a beach where we can do watersports within 100 miles of Bristol" etc - perfectly fine. Or 'I've got a 12 year old nephew who is into manga and drill music - any present suggestions?' It's just the completely vague ones who after you've tried to make helpful suggestions come back with 'Oh no that's four hours away from us we don't want to travel more than two,' or 'Why are you all suggesting nice biscuits to give grandma, you were supposed to guess she is dairy, gluten and egg intolerant." ARGHHHH!

I think the advice for money problems to take in ironing or get a job in a supermarket filling shelves is my favourite one

I think the advice that anyone who is mean,nasty or offensive is suffering from dementia or mental health problems is a load of bollocks! Why will some people not accept that there are people out there who are just out and out nasty?!

He/she/everyone is on the spectrum. No, ASD is a spectrum disorder. It’s literally in the name.

People WITH autism will have symptoms FROM A SPECTRUM.

It’s like saying my headache this evening is because I’m on the measles spectrum!

Changing the WiFi password so I can still use it works wonders with teens here … especially if I tell their siblings the password

When someone posts about their depression and people list off books to read. Getting out of bed is a chore, never mind reading a full book.

"I'm 37, single and running out of time to have a baby."

"Nonsense - my granny died at 89 and THEN gave birth to triplets - relax."

You're a SAHM/Housewife? You should research feminism, contact Women's Aid and get your ducks in a row to leave your financially abusive 'D'H.

Your partner of 3 months doesn't want children, but you do? Tell him what a selfish, greedy bastard he is for not wanting DC.

You can see a bone sticking out of your leg and you've been unconcious for 3 hours? Don't waste NHS time by calling 999. Wet paper towel and a sweet cup of tea, you'll be fine.

Go no contact with parents/in-laws - can be tricky if they live near your entire support network and moving away would deprive you of everything and everyone you know, or if they are very involved in a community that you're also very involved with, so you'd have to lose that.

Sometimes NC is necessary, but I think sometimes parents can be awful but not worth losing everything for by going elsewhere.

I have to say I am usually bemused by the ‘go NC’ threads or the ‘when my (PFB) baby is born I want no visitors for a month’.

So bloody precious.

Learn to drive

learn to drive = getting a licence, studying for theory test, driving lesons x??? , driving tests x??? , a car, insurance...
Not forgetting that some people reeeeally shouldnt (or cant) drive at all!

Calling the police for everything, there was one a few days ago where a poster called the police for a baby crying in McDonald’s 🤦‍♀️

When someone says they tested positive for covid and they are worried and will their family get it and they're told, that they had covid, it was no worse than flu, they share their bed with their 10 kids, granny, grandad who all have underlying conditions and none of them caught it, so you'll be fine.

Struggling to get a GP appointment? Go private! Because everyone has spare £££ to pay for private healthcare, don't they? It's not like they'll usually let you pay in instalments like a Grattan's catalogue.

Domestic efficiency: Either, you should strip all the beds every morning - after all it’s so, so easy to bung all the sheets and duvet covers in the washing machine and tumble drier and remake the beds every evening - or you should change the bedding once every six months as anything else is eco-vandalism and destroying the planet.

Childcare problems get a nanny or a au pair .

Get a cleaner.
Show your DP this thread.
Book a spa day.
Go out and leave very hungover dp with the kids all day. That'll teach them! 🙄

On your own in a small flat with 7 children, no money and no internet? Start your own business!

NEVER ask your parents for help , either financially or for help with your kids. If you do you are the biggest CF ever. You should turn them down if they offer (or even if they beg n plead) because, you know, that’s not something family’s do.

Oh, and how often do you shower? If it's less than once an hour you are a skank 🤣

I think a spa day is where you go to a special club where you have massages and use the sauna and steam room etc. Ideal for someone on a tight budget