Mumsnet solutions that amuse / bemuse me

[Wishimaywishimight]

Relationship problems;

LTB - fair enough when it's dire circumstances, abuse etc. but oftentimes it's when DH/DP grumbles about doing a household task or wants to take a nap.

Change the locks - DH/DP stays out late after going for a drink and neglects to keep in touch with partner / spouse.

Leave his bags outside the front door - see above.

Money problems;

Go part time / full time - are there many jobs where you can even switch like this?

Increase your hours - what? How does this even work. I have never had a job where I was paid / contracted for a number of hours. If I said to my boss that I wanted to increase my hours she would say in rather a puzzled tone; "Fine, come in earlier, leave later, whatever you like".

Noisy Neighbours;

Move to a detached house - um, yes, that's an easy solution. Where I live a detached house is probably €80k more expensive than a semi-detached so cost would be a consideration.

DH/DP doesn't want to get married and/or have children;

Dump him and find a man who does. Often the OP's in these situations are mid to late 30's - are there really hordes of eligible single men out there queueing up to meet 30 something women with a frantically ticking biological clock?

Trying to think of a few more, these are the ones that jumped out at me!

Go to the council and present yourself as homeless (seen very recently).

Yep, they'll definitely have a lovely 2 bed property sorted out for you by morning

@Leavesofautumn

Find a friend and apply for the job as a job share. I've seen hundreds of CVs and job applications, and literally never seen anyone apply in pairs as a job share.

I have done it three times. Worked in the NHS in a mixed clinician/clinical manager role each time.

@myotherusernameistaken

Go to the council and present yourself as homeless (seen very recently).

Yep, they'll definitely have a lovely 2 bed property sorted out for you by morning

If they do then get a council/HA property they will then most likely feature in a ‘I’ve found a lovely house but a HA tenant lives next door’ so everyone can discuss how awful people on low incomes are.

Obviously for many jobs there isn’t the option to increase hours but in the U.K. the written statement of employment particulars states the hours you are expected to work. So U.K. jobs are basically either contracted for those hours (but might do overtime on top) or on a zero hours contract.

Pots of bamboo for privacy. Forgetting that tall bamboo is £40 a pot and you would need an awful lot of them to run along beside the neighbour's gappy fence in a colour the OP hates.

Child free weddings -
Apparently you should embrace these and have a weekend away as a couple. When you point out that all your family and friends who might possibly babysit then you’re told to phone an agency and stop making excuses or looking for difficulties.

Anything vaguely annoying or strange -
Phone 101 so it’s recorded.

Noisy neighbours
Stop moaning or move to the country.

Neighbours doing something that you know is as illegal AF
Stop moaning or move to the country

Skint? Just pick up a bit of childminding work. As if you don't have to go through a load of checks first.

"Just adopt!"

Going through a process of painful and distressing fertility treatment?
Just relax!
They all know someone who gave up trying and magically conceived

In- law commits makes minor mistake. Go no contact ASAP.

Getting Fat?? Stop eating fruit. It’s FULL of sugar .. while ignoring all the other nutrients.

"Contact the local dog warden" - I always see this and have never heard of a local dog warden. I am am sure they exist but 🤷🏼‍♀️

"LTB - fair enough when it's dire circumstances, abuse etc. but oftentimes it's when DH/DP grumbles about doing a household task or wants to take a nap.

Change the locks - DH/DP stays out late after going for a drink and neglects to keep in touch with partner / spouse.

Leave his bags outside the front door - see above."

I've laughed the first few times I read them.
Does anyone take them seriously ?

Dealing with badly-behaved DC by using things like "naughty step", "gentle hands" amuse me greatly.

Traditional remedies are normally ignored & unspoken, but I did see a post about how to cure a biting toddler that works very well.

I still don’t really know what a spa day actually is. What would you do there that takes up an entire day? Why would it help?

@EishetChayil

"Just adopt!"

As a parent through adoption this really bugs me, the ones advising adoptions are also not parents through adoption!

“Can anyone suggest a suitable breed of dog? We want something small to medium sized, as our car isn’t huge, and the DCs have pet rabbits.”

“Adopt a greyhound!”

“The woman I thought was my best friend has run over my dog, slept with my husband, shat on my doorstep and insulted my religion.”

Is she going through a difficult time?
Maybe her DP is abusive.
Maybe she’s battling with her fertility.
Maybe she’s finding it really difficult to get back to normal life after covid.
Is she having a tough time at work?
She’s got a point about [x religion].

We’re usually at least two pages in before someone says that so-called friend sounds like an insufferable c^*% and OP really shouldn’t waste another second on her.

So many, I can’t work out sometimes if people are joking or serious .
I always think the parking ones are bat shit in fact any that are dealing with a neighbour. It’s almost as if mumsneters actually want to further annoy already neighbours so why would you damage the vehicle or block someone in.
These threads seem to go on forever if you just maybe said to someone don’t park there again would be over in 5 minutes but no all the advice is to do ridiculous things then disappear out for the day .

Menu plan

It's the answer to every overwrought, overworked, stressed poster that ever starts a thread.

(and get a cleaner).

My most favourite is when someone falls out with a friend (sometimes a colleague) and someone types an example of a text they could send. Except the text is always really formal, and in no way how normal people communicate - like ‘sarah, you and I need to arrange a mutually beneficial meeting in a neutral location to discuss this disagreement. While I see your point of view, I feel your participation in my business should cease immediately’

Parking threads - ‘block them in’ or even worse ‘let down their tyres’.

I like to think the posters aren’t actually rough scrappy types in RL.

@Imnothereforthedrama

So many, I can’t work out sometimes if people are joking or serious . I always think the parking ones are bat shit in fact any that are dealing with a neighbour. It’s almost as if mumsneters actually want to further annoy already neighbours so why would you damage the vehicle or block someone in. These threads seem to go on forever if you just maybe said to someone don’t park there again would be over in 5 minutes but no all the advice is to do ridiculous things then disappear out for the day .

Yes! Or if a friend is slightly off one day you should cut them out of your life forever because nobody should put up with that. I often wonder about people’s friendship groups on here.

‘My husband has mentioned I’ve put on a bit of weight….’

LTB! How dare he comment on your weight! Is he Adonis?

‘My husband has put on a bit of weight…’

You need to tell him. Suggest he joins a gym. Overhaul his diet. Get him to speak to the GP…

6th formers - the answer to all childcare problems.

Can’t you homeschool them?