Who should share? WWYD?

[99Red]

3 children, let’s call them A, B, and C. Currently they each have their own room but we are moving to a 3 bed house (although the overall size of the house is bigger). Two of the children will need to share.

Child A: Has ASD, very quiet, insular. Intolerant of others. Attends a specialist secondary school. Does not want to share a room with anyone. Has sleep issues and is often awake half the night.

Child B: Neurotypical. Also secondary school age. Has recently started to spend time with Child A in Child A’s room (Child A appears happier and more animated when with Child B, but will unpredictability ‘snap’ and scream at Child B to leave). Child B is happy at the idea of sharing with Child A but does not want to share with Child C.

Child C: Has ASD and ADHD. Very loud, talks incessantly. Very friendly and dislikes being alone. Has some annoying habits and can be destructive. Primary school age (mainstream). Would absolutely love to share with Child B (often tries to sleep in Child B’s room already). Child B and Child C used to share but we separated them three years ago (and lost our home office) due to Child C’s sleep issues which are now largely resolved.

In a nutshell: Child A wants to share with no one. Child B wants to share with Child A but not Child C. Child C wants to share with Child B.

Advantage of putting A and B together is they are closer in age and B seems to help A with social interaction. It could be beneficial long-term for A to learn to tolerate others more, be less insular, and learn to compromise.

However, A has sleep issues which could impact on B. Also, A is prone to volatile outbursts, they don’t want to share and are becoming increasingly agitated at the idea of moving, so I don’t want create too much additional stress. I also worry if I put A and B together that C would be constantly trying to get in their room as they would feel left out.

C would love to share with B, but I worry they wouldn’t give B a minutes peace! C likes to play Lego and if C has own room they would have plenty of floor space for Lego (and to play). If C shares with B then the two beds would take up most of the floor area (Bunk beds not good idea, C has broken two sets previously).

Initially, I had decided to put A and B together. However, after taking A to visit the new house yesterday I’m thinking perhaps I should put B and C together. The main issue I think is the floor space - C would use the space to play but A wouldn’t utilise the space at all. In any scenario B would be given a work space away from the bedrooms for homework.

WWYD?

Are they boys or girls as that will matter a lot if some are secondary age.

They are all boys. With 5 years between A and C, and 20 months between A and B.

Ages and are they boys or girls. It makes a big difference.

Also if not essential I think it's a bit mean to expect any to share after previously having their own room unless you have to downsize.

@99Red

They are all boys. With 5 years between A and C, and 20 months between A and B.

What are their ages. Makes a difference if primary school or nearly adults.

Can't you stay in your 4 bed?

Them having to share sounds like it's going to be a massive headache.

Why are you moving from a 4 bed house to a 3 bed? Are you moving from renting to buying?

Can one of the rooms be split into two? A and B definitely need their own space.

Is there a study or dining room downstairs you can use as a bedroom?

I'd keep looking for a different house if possible. Sounds like inviting trouble in!

Are any of the rooms large enough to put a kallax storage unit in to use as a temporary partition? A & B being closer in age sounds like a better match if child A can tolerate B being close by.

Any way to reconfigure things differently in the house re rooms (as the house is overall bigger)? Seems really unfair to make growing kids share when they don’t currently, and there doesn’t seem a permutation that works particularly well in any case?

What is the layout of the house? If you will have a home office is there any chance of making a bedroom and then putting a garden office in?

Why are you moving? It doesn't sound like this is going to improve the kids' living situations.

I would really try very hard to make an extra room or space or not move. Or for you to sleep in a living room while the kids get a room each.
One of your kids is going to be miserable, and that miserable one will likely sabotage it for the one they're sharing a room with, ruining existing relationships.
It sounds like child A and C need their own rooms as a result of their extra needs and child B is going to be expected to share a room and make extra allowances for their special needs sibling. Whichever combination you do isn't going to meet the needs of B and whoever they share with.

Do you really have to move? Is there an option to create an extra bedroom, maybe by splitting existing ones/ parents sleep downstairs? The sharing options sound like a nightmare.

Is there anywhere than can be a designated 'escape space' for the sharers?

Keep looking for another house if you can. This sounds like a lot of stress that isn’t benefitting the kids

I'd put up a partition (kallax/curtain or sliding no fold door) in the middle of one room and share A and B.

Or if windows mean that wouldn't work I'd have some sort of bed where A can pull a curtain around himself for space.

I don’t think they can happily share. Is there any way to avoid this, at all? Even if it means dividing a room or taking part of the sitting room? Or moving to a house that’s substantially less nice?

It doesn’t sound fair if it can be avoided at all

I wouldn’t be moving to a 3 bed unless it’s completely unavoidable .

They are aged 9-14. Yes, it’s not an ideal situation but overall the move will be more beneficial. The only disadvantage is the bedroom situation.

We are going from rented in less good area, with awful secondary school to buying in a nicer area with excellent schools. We are relocating due to job promotion with higher salary. There is nothing else suitable on the market (to rent or buy) I keep checking but we are out of time. We are almost ready to exchange on this house which will mean we can move in time for the start of the school year which is better for new schools. New job starts in September.

The house isn't suitable imo.

Is A & C sharing an option? I'm feeling that things must be difficult for B.

It doesn't sound ideal for them to have to share if it is at all avoidable. Is there any possibility of putting some sort of a divider in the biggest room and you taking a smaller room?

If I had to, I would put the eldest two in together but allow use of your bedroom for quiet space away from each other.

I would not move to a three bed in your situation unless there was absolutely no choice. It is a recipe for disaster.

My two both have autism and one has ADHD too. I would sleep in the living room rather than make them share a room. I only mention this so you know I at least have possibly similar experience.

Is there another space you could use as a bedroom? I understand your reasons for moving but this house doesn’t sound particularly suitable.