Who should share? WWYD?

[99Red]

3 children, let’s call them A, B, and C. Currently they each have their own room but we are moving to a 3 bed house (although the overall size of the house is bigger). Two of the children will need to share.

Child A: Has ASD, very quiet, insular. Intolerant of others. Attends a specialist secondary school. Does not want to share a room with anyone. Has sleep issues and is often awake half the night.

Child B: Neurotypical. Also secondary school age. Has recently started to spend time with Child A in Child A’s room (Child A appears happier and more animated when with Child B, but will unpredictability ‘snap’ and scream at Child B to leave). Child B is happy at the idea of sharing with Child A but does not want to share with Child C.

Child C: Has ASD and ADHD. Very loud, talks incessantly. Very friendly and dislikes being alone. Has some annoying habits and can be destructive. Primary school age (mainstream). Would absolutely love to share with Child B (often tries to sleep in Child B’s room already). Child B and Child C used to share but we separated them three years ago (and lost our home office) due to Child C’s sleep issues which are now largely resolved.

In a nutshell: Child A wants to share with no one. Child B wants to share with Child A but not Child C. Child C wants to share with Child B.

Advantage of putting A and B together is they are closer in age and B seems to help A with social interaction. It could be beneficial long-term for A to learn to tolerate others more, be less insular, and learn to compromise.

However, A has sleep issues which could impact on B. Also, A is prone to volatile outbursts, they don’t want to share and are becoming increasingly agitated at the idea of moving, so I don’t want create too much additional stress. I also worry if I put A and B together that C would be constantly trying to get in their room as they would feel left out.

C would love to share with B, but I worry they wouldn’t give B a minutes peace! C likes to play Lego and if C has own room they would have plenty of floor space for Lego (and to play). If C shares with B then the two beds would take up most of the floor area (Bunk beds not good idea, C has broken two sets previously).

Initially, I had decided to put A and B together. However, after taking A to visit the new house yesterday I’m thinking perhaps I should put B and C together. The main issue I think is the floor space - C would use the space to play but A wouldn’t utilise the space at all. In any scenario B would be given a work space away from the bedrooms for homework.

WWYD?

You've avoided replying to anyone who has suggested you and dh have a sofa bed in the living room I notice...

@99Red

When you say that A "decides without warning that he's had enough" how does this manifest?

A will say ‘Ok get out now’, B will sometimes leave right away and sometimes ignore him and stay. Or sometimes he will go to leave but not leave fast enough. Then A will scream/shout expletives. Then B will leave.

But if they are sharing its different, would he understand that?

I think A&B sharing is where I'd start. You can always move them around if it's not working (not ideal I know)

People saying the house isn't big enough & you shouldn't move...can put their hands in their pockets or join the real world.

Are you able to post room layout for the whole house? There are some clever people here who might come up with a solution you’ve not considered.

I would have my bedroom in the dining room (if there is one) and give each child a bedroom. Adults use their bedrooms much less than children

I wouldn't have open plan with children with ASD

Loft bedroom for you and your husband?

Sofa bed in lounge for you and your husband and your wardrobes in their bedrooms?

Not read the thread as I’m out at the moment so only glancing at the op!

Split the biggest room ino two with divider
Or Carve out bed space in the open plan for the the adults.
Maybe a wall Murphy bed that you leave made up just pull down or bed behind a screen
Dc all and each need their own rooms.
You can have "teaching moments " but is not fair on middle child to share.

Child B is going to learn some shocking lessons about how they should be treated and how it's ok to treat others having to share a room with someone who will verbally abuse them until they leave.

My children are often used at school to 'help' other pupils, which is fine to an extent but I have had to speak to them on a few occasions when it was crossing to far into making the teachers life easier at my children's expense. This is what you are doing to B in their own home.

@titchy

You've avoided replying to anyone who has suggested you and dh have a sofa bed in the living room I notice...

Agree this feels like the ‘best’ solution.

Also feel sad for B.

I think adults on sofa bed until you get the utility room changed.

Each child should have their own bedroom.

I would sleep in the living room.
What happens when A tells B to leave?
What happens if A wakes up in the middle of the night and goes for B?

If there was no chance of doing an extension in some way I would rent until something else comes along.

You've avoided replying to anyone who has suggested you and dh have a sofa bed in the living room I notice...

Sorry not deliberately, just mulling over how that would work. I’m not sure it’s viable really as where would we put our things?

Downstairs is one long room which will be a Living/dining/office area

There’s a brick outhouse, which would work well as den/extra play space but you couldn’t sleep in it.

There isn’t really a loft as such as a lot of the upstairs is in the loft. The upstairs is smaller than the downstairs, if that makes sense. It’s not a conventional looking house.

Sorry I wouldn't move then. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

I’d try and find a way for them to have separate spaces if not separate rooms. I suspect the kids wouldn’t care about plastering etc in the utility room.

I’d not let any of them share.

There are loads of ways to split rooms up - get googling and find one that works.

Good luck and congrats on your new home!

Give B his own room, the other two sound disruptive in different ways.

Sorry not deliberately, just mulling over how that would work. I’m not sure it’s viable really as where would we put our things?

B gets the largest room and you have some storage space within his room. A and C have the smaller rooms but without the occasional disruption of you coming in to get clothing etc. You get a good quality (sprung, not foam) double sofa bed for you & DH. You ensure you & DH plan dressing etc in the bathroom after shower / bath. Meantime you get the utility room converted, after which you all have your own rooms.

This is going to be tough. Having an isolated space to decompress is one of the essential ways people with ASD recover from the stress of dealing with other people. I love my family, but sometimes I need some privacy. My DD also sometimes just needs her space.

It’s manageable though. I would put A and B in the biggest bedroom in the house and set to putting in as distinct of a physical barrier as you can between their spaces. That might be a curtain, it might be a wall of shelving.

I came on to say what @AttaGirrrrl suggested. Do you have a floor plan you could share?

I would put 2 DC in largest bedroom with divider down the middle. Reluctantly A & B share this space. C would get smallest room to self. I would take middle sized room. I would worry about child B never getting a break from his 2 brothers with additional needs. I would probably let him use my room for watching TV or playing with quiet toy during daytime.

A & B need to share the largest bedroom with a divider put in place to separate it into two separate spaces. Anything else isn't going to be feasible.

Suggestions that OP and her DH sleep on a sofa bed permanently is not going to work in an open plan house.

Long term you could offer A or B to have the utility room converted into a bedroom but they have to share for now.

Make the outbuilding a chill/study space for B only to use and split the biggest bedroom with a proper divider for A and B

Suggestions that OP and her DH sleep on a sofa bed permanently is not going to work in an open plan house.

I don't think anyone is suggesting it as a permanent solution, but while another space in the house is converted to a fourth bedroom.

Is the main/master bedroom the biggest? If so, split that in two and you and DH have the next biggest room. (you mentioned the "sharers" room having a lot of floor space so assume a double bed would fit).

It might not be ideal as splitting a room might mean someone gets no window but it might tide everyone over until you can sort the utility room into a third bedroom. I would suggest that A gets the smallest/third bedroom to start with as he can stay and not have to cope with thin walls/disruption of moving again.

You need an interior designer, there are all sorts of cunning solutions for splitting/dividng rooms & making storage.
I would say split the biggest room in two, as per photo earlier.
or each DC has own room, you have a corner in the living area, your laundry room can double as a walk in wardrobe.
or laundry room is the office & frees up more room in the living area to close off into a bedroom.

Sorry not deliberately, just mulling over how that would work. I’m not sure it’s viable really as where would we put our things?

In one of the kid's rooms of course.