Who should share? WWYD?

[99Red]

3 children, let’s call them A, B, and C. Currently they each have their own room but we are moving to a 3 bed house (although the overall size of the house is bigger). Two of the children will need to share.

Child A: Has ASD, very quiet, insular. Intolerant of others. Attends a specialist secondary school. Does not want to share a room with anyone. Has sleep issues and is often awake half the night.

Child B: Neurotypical. Also secondary school age. Has recently started to spend time with Child A in Child A’s room (Child A appears happier and more animated when with Child B, but will unpredictability ‘snap’ and scream at Child B to leave). Child B is happy at the idea of sharing with Child A but does not want to share with Child C.

Child C: Has ASD and ADHD. Very loud, talks incessantly. Very friendly and dislikes being alone. Has some annoying habits and can be destructive. Primary school age (mainstream). Would absolutely love to share with Child B (often tries to sleep in Child B’s room already). Child B and Child C used to share but we separated them three years ago (and lost our home office) due to Child C’s sleep issues which are now largely resolved.

In a nutshell: Child A wants to share with no one. Child B wants to share with Child A but not Child C. Child C wants to share with Child B.

Advantage of putting A and B together is they are closer in age and B seems to help A with social interaction. It could be beneficial long-term for A to learn to tolerate others more, be less insular, and learn to compromise.

However, A has sleep issues which could impact on B. Also, A is prone to volatile outbursts, they don’t want to share and are becoming increasingly agitated at the idea of moving, so I don’t want create too much additional stress. I also worry if I put A and B together that C would be constantly trying to get in their room as they would feel left out.

C would love to share with B, but I worry they wouldn’t give B a minutes peace! C likes to play Lego and if C has own room they would have plenty of floor space for Lego (and to play). If C shares with B then the two beds would take up most of the floor area (Bunk beds not good idea, C has broken two sets previously).

Initially, I had decided to put A and B together. However, after taking A to visit the new house yesterday I’m thinking perhaps I should put B and C together. The main issue I think is the floor space - C would use the space to play but A wouldn’t utilise the space at all. In any scenario B would be given a work space away from the bedrooms for homework.

WWYD?

[quote Aw273]lh6.googleusercontent.com/NEqYDUsw149E8wAy5S34sfiSk1qBWsFatyqAqiI7hXFiU1mcHzkC-fG6yavaqQM_sVDFAIiat_kulDww2cwMUP8OZClUMj5M_q0saycUob6xnuGWefrXXGSGl2KWenruG_L5-cI[/quote]
That's bloody genius!

'The number of posts saying you need to extend or look for 4 bedrooms makes me cross. People are so blinkered to their own good fortune it's like it literally doesn't occur to them that pulling a fourth bedroom out of your ass isn't something possible for everyone'

Absolutely agree. I may have to move to a two bed at some point in the next two or three years. I'll have a day bed and a desk in the living room with a screen, no bother, but two of my children will have to share and that'll be that. There's 50 grand at least between 2 and 3 beds in my neck of the woods. OP has moved from renting to buying, and it's a nicer area. Good for her. Fairly sure she didn't have a look round the new gaff, then go home and say "Fuck; now I think about it, that place might only have three bedrooms, y'know . . . "

@WeatheringStorms22
Totally agree.
A house with 3 big bedrooms is amazing. And not always possible to be a first time buyer with 3 kids and buying what previous generations would term a mansion.

Op I really wish you well in your new house. I'm sure the boys will settle and love having what sound like huge rooms (that many would be jealous off).

@WeatheringStorms22

The number of posts saying you need to extend or look for 4 bedrooms makes me cross. People are so blinkered to their own good fortune it's like it literally doesn't occur to them that pulling a fourth bedroom out of your ass isn't something possible for everyone

Op I would give the biggest bedroom to A&B. Keep it open but divided by a big kallax or something, with A's bed out of the way and a pullable curtain he can use when he needs privacy. B knows he doesn't disturb him when the curtain is pulled.

You and dh take the middle bedroom.

C has smallest bedroom. Maybe give them a trundle bed too and ask B if he'd mind doing the occasional sleepover to keep C happy?

What? B gets instructed that he mustn't disturb A to keep A happy, and must also stay with C at times to keep C happy? Really? Again poor B.

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

'The number of posts saying you need to extend or look for 4 bedrooms makes me cross. People are so blinkered to their own good fortune it's like it literally doesn't occur to them that pulling a fourth bedroom out of your ass isn't something possible for everyone'

Absolutely agree. I may have to move to a two bed at some point in the next two or three years. I'll have a day bed and a desk in the living room with a screen, no bother, but two of my children will have to share and that'll be that. There's 50 grand at least between 2 and 3 beds in my neck of the woods. OP has moved from renting to buying, and it's a nicer area. Good for her. Fairly sure she didn't have a look round the new gaff, then go home and say "Fuck; now I think about it, that place might only have three bedrooms, y'know . . . "

No not good fortune, but sometimes you do what you have to do. In this situation with additional needs they all need a room. Parents should sleep downstairs, far from ideal but more ideal than them sharing.

And as for your suggestions for poor B, if that happens I'd expect to see him on the stately homes thread.

Yes, I mean obviously a 4 bed roomed house would’ve been preferable. But they were about 60K more expensive. Surely it’s better to buy than rent forever?

The problem is you have a sensorily defensive child in A and a sensory seeker in C, neither are appropriate to go together

Poor child B really is stuck in the middle and loses all ways

I absolutely wouldn’t put B in with A permanently, could you put bunk beds in both rooms and allow B to float between room to allow periods of time where ever they feel happiest ?

Forgot to say I understand your pain, DD is extremely sensory defensive,DH and DS are both noisy sensory seekers

I live in a permanent siege state

I really don't think you can make any of the DCs share. The obvious solution to me would be to put in extra storage space in one of the bedrooms for your stuff and you sleep downstairs for now. Then when the additional room is available, you either move into that or the child with the extra storage space moves there and you move into that room.

I don't think concerns about where you would keep your stuff override each child having their own room in your specific circumstance.

Absolutely 99Red it's dead easy for people to say buy a 4 bed house, but if the money isn't there it's not there.

It's only in the last 30 or so years that loads of houses have been built with 4 bedrooms. Prior to that 2 & 3 bedrooms were the norm and more people had big families. Enjoy your house, and making it home. I'm sure the boys will get used to it.

The idea of starting off with one set up and if it doesn't work swap them around seems a good one to me.

@Ducksurprise

I didn't say anything about good fortune; that was the poster I was quoting. You can tell this because of the quotation marks stuck around it.

My suggestion for B was:-

I imagine B is routinely overlooked with A and C in the mix, so it seems a bit bloody to make him share. I'd be sticking up a stud wall or asking B to share with either A or C on the understanding that the utility room will be converted as soon as you are able.

I don't really know what the 'Stately Homes' thread is: like 'snapped and farted' it seems like one of those MN threads that people insist is comedy gold but is in fact a bit shit. From my limited understanding, though, I can see nothing about my suggestion that would see B end up there, so I'll assume you've wrongly attributed that and all.

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

I think stately homes is about the type of parent who would be abusive/neglectful but now obviously if you know what I mean? Like would say things like what do you mean you had a bad childhood, you did horse-riding? Not that I attribute this thread to that, but just thought I’d answer.

B will often return to A’s room only minutes later only to be shouted at again. Which is why I think B is not that fazed as he could avoid A completely if he wanted to.

Sorry, but what the fuck?

B "is not that fazed" because children accept their daily normal as universal. It doesn't mean that it's ok and that he's not at all affected by it.

You are inadvertently teaching him some really unhelpful things about the kind of behaviour to accept from others if you take it for granted that B will share with A, and it's ok because he's not fazed by it.

B's needs are really important too and you should sleep on a sofa bed as a temp fix until the utility room can be used as a bedroom.

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan 'Stately Homes' is a thread for people who were brought up in middle class families but who were also abused or neglected.

I think it's an really awful thing to imply that sharing a room with an ASD brother is abuse or neglect.

I don’t really think the house is suitable. I wouldn’t be happy for my child to be in Bs position. Can you prioritise getting the utility sorted for him?

[quote Kanaloa]@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

I think stately homes is about the type of parent who would be abusive/neglectful but now obviously if you know what I mean? Like would say things like what do you mean you had a bad childhood, you did horse-riding? Not that I attribute this thread to that, but just thought I’d answer.[/quote]
I figured it was along those lines. Cheers!

I’d try A and B together and see how it goes.

Could you store some of your clothes etc in one of the kids' rooms?

I really think you and DH sleeping downstairs is the least worst option here. I think some of the people saying that the kids will just have to suck it up don't have very much understanding of how stressful that might be for a kid with ASD.

'I think it's an really awful thing to imply that sharing a room with an ASD brother is abuse or neglect.'

So do I. These things can't always be helped. Waiting for a poster to suggest OP and husband each sleep in a hanging basket . . .

Op and husband in bath tub.

With that collection of children I would not be moving into a 3 bedroom house at all! They clearly each need their own space.

But if it is unavoidable I would be putting a zig-zag bunk into whichever is the biggest bedroom to create two very distinct zones that feel reasonably private to both occupants. I think A and B can probably share such a room - A's section could have a curtain or similar to enable him to cut his zone off when he needs to.

If your downstairs is bigger than your upstairs I'd arrange it so you sleep down there on a sofa bed for now until you can convert the utility.

If the utility is big enough to be a bedroom you can store your clothes in there.

I definitely agree with the suggestion of having extra storage in one bedroom for you. And you and your husband sleeping downstairs for the time being.
I'm in a similar situation and planning to divide my living room with a a partition wall to create another (very small) but separate bedroom.

When B is told to fuck off and leaves the room where will he go?

What happens if A tells B to fuck off when it's bed time or in the middle of the night?

Where can B retreat to so that he can have some space away from A and C?

Where can B take his mates when they want to come and hang out with him at home?

He might not be fazed at the moment but you cannot guarantee this especially when the teen hormones start to kick in. From experience this is when things got really bad with my Autistic boys, when their hormones started and couldn't express themselves.

I think it's an really awful thing to imply that sharing a room with an ASD brother is abuse or neglect.

So do I really. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t be agonising over the decision. Just trying to do what’s best for everyone with the funds available. It’s impossible to meet everyone’s needs 100% of the time.

Most of the time A and B get along together just fine. It’s the unpredictable nature of A that’s the issue and his need for solitude.

I spoke to B and asked what his thoughts were. As if he was happy to share with C, then there wouldn’t be an issue. He still doesn’t want to share with C as he’s annoying but he suggested they put up a divider so that A can hide if he wants. He also suggested that we could be flexible and do a trial run. He said if A was very unhappy with him there then he would be willing share with C.

I definitely plan to create an extra bedroom downstairs long-term but it could take a few months.