Who should share? WWYD?

[99Red]

3 children, let’s call them A, B, and C. Currently they each have their own room but we are moving to a 3 bed house (although the overall size of the house is bigger). Two of the children will need to share.

Child A: Has ASD, very quiet, insular. Intolerant of others. Attends a specialist secondary school. Does not want to share a room with anyone. Has sleep issues and is often awake half the night.

Child B: Neurotypical. Also secondary school age. Has recently started to spend time with Child A in Child A’s room (Child A appears happier and more animated when with Child B, but will unpredictability ‘snap’ and scream at Child B to leave). Child B is happy at the idea of sharing with Child A but does not want to share with Child C.

Child C: Has ASD and ADHD. Very loud, talks incessantly. Very friendly and dislikes being alone. Has some annoying habits and can be destructive. Primary school age (mainstream). Would absolutely love to share with Child B (often tries to sleep in Child B’s room already). Child B and Child C used to share but we separated them three years ago (and lost our home office) due to Child C’s sleep issues which are now largely resolved.

In a nutshell: Child A wants to share with no one. Child B wants to share with Child A but not Child C. Child C wants to share with Child B.

Advantage of putting A and B together is they are closer in age and B seems to help A with social interaction. It could be beneficial long-term for A to learn to tolerate others more, be less insular, and learn to compromise.

However, A has sleep issues which could impact on B. Also, A is prone to volatile outbursts, they don’t want to share and are becoming increasingly agitated at the idea of moving, so I don’t want create too much additional stress. I also worry if I put A and B together that C would be constantly trying to get in their room as they would feel left out.

C would love to share with B, but I worry they wouldn’t give B a minutes peace! C likes to play Lego and if C has own room they would have plenty of floor space for Lego (and to play). If C shares with B then the two beds would take up most of the floor area (Bunk beds not good idea, C has broken two sets previously).

Initially, I had decided to put A and B together. However, after taking A to visit the new house yesterday I’m thinking perhaps I should put B and C together. The main issue I think is the floor space - C would use the space to play but A wouldn’t utilise the space at all. In any scenario B would be given a work space away from the bedrooms for homework.

WWYD?

Is there room to extend and could you look at getting a disabled facilities grant? We have an autistic daughter and we're looking at converting our loft to create a space just for her, with help from a dfg. The council can help families to adapt their property to make it more suitable for disabled occupants. It's not means tested for children and there is a legal requirement for them to pay up to £30k (per child) if you meet the criteria (possibly more, depending on funding available). Might be worth looking into.

In the meantime, I don't think you have much of a choice. Each child needs their own space, so unless you can split a room in two or move some walls to create a fourth bedroom, you need to give the children the bedrooms and you need to sleep in the lounge.

A knows he won’t be able to shout at B to leave if they share a room. A is much more withdrawn than he is shouty. Which is what makes everyone jump so much when he suddenly shouts.

I would:
A
a). split largest / most convenient bedroom for A & B: sounds like privacy is more important than having a large space for either of them. Properly split with stud wall or bank of storage & a door. Give them wardrobe space/storage in your&DH's room. This would be easiest & cheapest.
b). or if you can fund an extension / conversion in a year or 2: A, B & C have bedroom each, you & DH have sofa bed downstairs.

B sounds a really good kid. . He is recognising A needs space. Maybe sharing will help A in the long term.

I certainly wouldn't entertain the ideal of a sofa bed, with the faf of setting up and putting away every night, from the word go. You and DH sound like you need a decent rest at night too.

Good luck with it.

I would do A&B together and try and make a quiet space downstairs where A or B could go to for down time if needed.

I would give A&B the biggest bedroom and try to make a visible divider as well.

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

'I think it's an really awful thing to imply that sharing a room with an ASD brother is abuse or neglect.'

So do I. These things can't always be helped. Waiting for a poster to suggest OP and husband each sleep in a hanging basket . . .

Who's said that sharing room is the abusive aspect? Being screamed at, told to fuck off, and the expectation to leave a shared room when told to is what posters have said is not great for B.



[quote LobotomisedIceSkatingFan]@Ducksurprise

I didn't say anything about good fortune; that was the poster I was quoting. You can tell this because of the quotation marks stuck around it.

My suggestion for B was:-

I imagine B is routinely overlooked with A and C in the mix, so it seems a bit bloody to make him share. I'd be sticking up a stud wall or asking B to share with either A or C on the understanding that the utility room will be converted as soon as you are able.

I don't really know what the 'Stately Homes' thread is: like 'snapped and farted' it seems like one of those MN threads that people insist is comedy gold but is in fact a bit shit. From my limited understanding, though, I can see nothing about my suggestion that would see B end up there, so I'll assume you've wrongly attributed that and all.[/quote]
Please accept my apologies, I quoted the wrong person and didn't proof read.
I completely agree with you, there had been posts before you that suggested that B shared with A until A shouted at them and shared with C at times to keep the peace or swapped and shared with both A and C so had no room of their own. The Stately Homes thread isn't some unfunny post but a long running support group for children of people that were treated like B in the above situation (OP I am not at all saying this about you or the way you are with your son, but to some of the PP who seemed to totally disregard B)

You need one of those bunk beds that is a room divider

It has to be A & B, a very clear plan for a room divider in as solid and private a way as possible to create proper ‘alone space’ - top bunk, enclosed private area - and a rock solid practice of how A can give B better warning. A needs to learn to recognise his trigger points and B needs to respect them.

@Fortheloveofgodwhy

I would set up one room with twin beds. The other with a single and try each combination for a month or so. Don’t get fixated on it staying the same forever. If they need to change every 3/6 months so they all get some space when they need it so be it. If you did. A combination that works for everyone then great.

Great advice 😊

Can you do a stud wall even if that means your room is no longer the biggest?

Or a stud wall cutting off some of another room, making a small room for one of the DC?

Just to be clear A only ever shouts at people to leave his space as he currently has his own room. He’s never shouted at anyone to leave a shared space. He would know he couldn’t do that.

If A were to react negatively to sharing a space he doesn’t want to it’s more likely he would find somewhere to hide, stop communicating, stop eating. He is not likely to be abusive to B in a room he knows is shared.

But it possible that he will enjoy sharing (most of the time) and the increased interactions will make A less insular.

I think maybe the important thing if A and B share is that there is a space either one can go to if they want a break from each other.

I can't think of anything worse than the above suggestion re: swapping rooms every few months! So they wouldn't be able to decorate their rooms or personalise them, every few months everyone would be lugging clothes and belongings back and forth, the ones who specifically don't want to share would have to, everyone would moan every time there's a changeover - what if A refuses to move when it's his turn to share, are you going to physically drag a teenager - terrible idea!

Could you try A&B in the bunkbeds and have the brick outbuilding as a den for one of them, so they can escape there whenever they need to and only have to sleep in the shared bedroom (and can have, for example, bottom bunk bed with curtain for privacy). They could even sleep there in the summer, either get electric put in, or battery lights, etc.

@99Red

Yes, I mean obviously a 4 bed roomed house would’ve been preferable. But they were about 60K more expensive. Surely it’s better to buy than rent forever?

It's better to buy than to rent. It is also better to buy a house that you can adapt (either straightaway or at some time in the future) to include an extension or a loft/attic conversion. You've mentioned that the downstairs is open plan and the upstairs is already in the loft space so that doesn't lend itself straightaway to either converting a downstairs room to a bedroom or a loft conversion.

That is what I'm saying. You need a home that will work for you. This one doesn't seem to be doing that.

I'm also offended by the other posters who say that when we post up about trying to by a better home for you, that we're blinkered in our own good fortune. I can guarantee that I'm not blinkered. I bought a home that I could afford but I have an attic that will allow us to convert it to another room in the future if I want along with a garden that has allowed me install an garden room in it for additional space. It works for me. I'm not suggesting that you buy a mansion or that you need to win the lottery but it sounds like the home you have selected to buy might not be the right fit for your family is all.

A and C

From the "easy middle child" prospective 😜

Utility room becomes another bedroom and the washing machine is moved to the garage/outhouse?

@sergeilavrov

Your DH and you don't have to share a room - it's only temporary. You could share with A, he could share with C, B gets privacy. Also has the benefit of having more support providing during a move that sounds like it is stressful for two children. Just because you don't perceived B as fazed, doesn't mean he isn't: you may undermine all the benefits of the new environment for him if he isn't stable at home.

Wasn't this an obvious problem when you found this house, or has something triggered the issue?

Only on Mumsnet!!!!

Here's another thought, A&B share both the bedroom and the outhouse.

Neither is exclusively theirs but it means for hanging out they have somewhere to get away from the other.

Also means they can both have friends round at the same time. If they feel the outhouse is cold or not great then, they swap hangout space each night.

I have a mix of NT and Non NT boys.
I would put A and B together, with screening. I would also make the outbuilding their den space.

OP, I think you're doing the right thing in terms of buying instead of renting. You're creating long term stability for the family.

And you're obviously considering B's education and social needs with this move.
All the while being mindful of A and C's needs too.

Please don't let anyone make you feel as though you're not being fair to any of your DC. You're juggling an impossible list of priorities. And I've no doubt you will find a solution that works for the whole family in due course.

I think the outbuilding is your get of of jail card here. A&B share but either A or B has the outbuilding as a safe space (A - as the older and potentially living at home longer that his NT brother? He could turn it into a den but sleep inside and come in when he is happy to have company.

www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/406661041360169908/

You need something like this so that they both have a space to retreat to

Poor B, you can’t do this to him. He sounds like a great kid and he’s willing to make his life miserable because he’s used to always having to accommodate his brothers. It’s really not ok to put him in this situation—sharing with C would be hell for him. He’s made that really really clear to you. Sharing with A is not something you should expect him to put up with, and would be painful to A.

Honestly I think you have no choice but to sleep downstairs and keep your clothes in utility or upstairs for a awhile. Anything else is just horrendous for the children and not meeting their basic needs. Please don’t throw B under the bus just because he doesn’t scream the loudest, being constantly aware of the fact that he’s the least important consideration in every situation is not good for him.

@MrsMcGarry

www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/406661041360169908/

You need something like this so that they both have a space to retreat to

I think that’s pretty cool if you have big enough rooms.