Who should share? WWYD?

[99Red]

3 children, let’s call them A, B, and C. Currently they each have their own room but we are moving to a 3 bed house (although the overall size of the house is bigger). Two of the children will need to share.

Child A: Has ASD, very quiet, insular. Intolerant of others. Attends a specialist secondary school. Does not want to share a room with anyone. Has sleep issues and is often awake half the night.

Child B: Neurotypical. Also secondary school age. Has recently started to spend time with Child A in Child A’s room (Child A appears happier and more animated when with Child B, but will unpredictability ‘snap’ and scream at Child B to leave). Child B is happy at the idea of sharing with Child A but does not want to share with Child C.

Child C: Has ASD and ADHD. Very loud, talks incessantly. Very friendly and dislikes being alone. Has some annoying habits and can be destructive. Primary school age (mainstream). Would absolutely love to share with Child B (often tries to sleep in Child B’s room already). Child B and Child C used to share but we separated them three years ago (and lost our home office) due to Child C’s sleep issues which are now largely resolved.

In a nutshell: Child A wants to share with no one. Child B wants to share with Child A but not Child C. Child C wants to share with Child B.

Advantage of putting A and B together is they are closer in age and B seems to help A with social interaction. It could be beneficial long-term for A to learn to tolerate others more, be less insular, and learn to compromise.

However, A has sleep issues which could impact on B. Also, A is prone to volatile outbursts, they don’t want to share and are becoming increasingly agitated at the idea of moving, so I don’t want create too much additional stress. I also worry if I put A and B together that C would be constantly trying to get in their room as they would feel left out.

C would love to share with B, but I worry they wouldn’t give B a minutes peace! C likes to play Lego and if C has own room they would have plenty of floor space for Lego (and to play). If C shares with B then the two beds would take up most of the floor area (Bunk beds not good idea, C has broken two sets previously).

Initially, I had decided to put A and B together. However, after taking A to visit the new house yesterday I’m thinking perhaps I should put B and C together. The main issue I think is the floor space - C would use the space to play but A wouldn’t utilise the space at all. In any scenario B would be given a work space away from the bedrooms for homework.

WWYD?

Have a Google for clever room sharing ideas. There's quite a few really clever ways of dividing even a small room up so each child has their own individual space.

@99Red would there be the option to add an extension longer term?

It’s not ideal but it was the most suitable we could find within budget and timeframe.

I did think that creating a quiet space for A around his bed with a room divider might work, that’s definitely possible.

Downstairs is largely open plan but there is a utility room off the main living/dining area that could potentially be converted to a small bedroom. There is also a second bathroom downstairs which could be converted too. But those two options wouldn’t be immediate.

Sounds like B is getting a rubbish deal one way or the other really. They either have A screaming at them or C constantly annoying them. We are always so aware of how difficult things are for our neurodiverse children and sometimes I think it can be overlooked how difficult it is being the neurotypical sibling.

I would look at any way of making another room, perhaps a stud wall to separate one room, an extension, giving up a dining area.

Are any of the bedrooms big enough to divide even if it means taking a small room yourself

Not an immediate solution, but would a loft conversion be feasible?

I think I'd go with A & B. But give B the option to 'hangout' in your room if he or A needs some space apart.

Obviously rules for hanging out in yours but it seems the most sensible option.

Can you afford to put up a heated shed/garden room for A. It would need insulation and electrics but not plumbing

Well to be honest I feel sorry for child B, they are getting the raw deal. I think u will need to try it out and see how it goes. You might try A&B and A keeps B awake half the night or u try B&C and B is driven round the bend but at least gets sleep.

Is there any way of partitioning the room or going in to the loft maybe an extension in the near future?

I just want to say OP - I think people are unhelpful and quite rude just repeatedly saying you shouldn't move and shouldn't make them share.
This is real life, we can't always have the perfect situation, and you are clearly putting a lot of thought into how to make the best of the bedroom situation when the other factors clearly make this a positive step for your family.

In your shoes I'd have A&B share, in the largest of the bedrooms so you can try and divide the space/create some privacy using storage units/curtains/room dividers.

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Sounds like B is getting a rubbish deal one way or the other really.

I'm afraid I'm having to watch a "B" crumble at the moment. Poor kid takes the brunt of everything but is expected to be understanding of their siblings issues.

A and C sharing is definitely not an option. They would probably murder each other. Although they both have ASD there needs are complete opposites.

Yes, I always feel bad for B as it is very difficult for him at times. However, other than the room sharing he will benefit most from the move as his new school is excellent. He is very excited about the opportunities and subjects available at the new school. We will also be closer to family and there are shops and buses and things. We are currently quite rural which inhibits his ability to be socially independent. He feels he wouldn’t mind sharing with A and said he’s happy to. (But not C)

From the options you’ve given I would say A & B. If child C is friendly with child B then if child A snaps at B at least B can go and retreat in C’s room.

Alternatively is A&C an option? It sounds like C is more interested in B so maybe wouldn’t be as annoying towards A?

Does B want to share with A or wouldn't mind. Agree with pp that it seems B is going to be the one most disadvantaged by the move.

This is a disaster in the making...........a three-bedroom house does not work for your family situation!

The other thought I had, and I don’t know if I’m correct in this, is that it could be beneficial for A to have to learn to communicate, share, compromise with another person. If he is always left alone in a room on his own it’s not so good long term. B is a good person to learn these skills with as like I said lately he invites B into his room on a daily basis and I sometimes hear him laughing which is nice.
The issue is he will without warning decide he’s had enough, but if at that point he could retreat behind a screen? Maybe it could work.

The issue is he will without warning decide he’s had enough is this when he snaps and screams at B, you can't have B or C sharing a room with their brother if at any point they will be screamed at for nothing. How do they react now when he does that?

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Clever!

It's a bit unfair for people to criticise to Op for moving to a 3 bed. They are trying to get a foot on the ladder and few people can afford a 4 bed for a first buy.

Op hundreds of people must have raised multiple ASD kids in 3 bed houses without fully understanding what they were dealing with.

I do think B and A sharing but B having a second room either downstairs or you room for him to go to and bring pals into.
I imagine A would freak at a stranger being in the shared room.

Good luck.

Honestly - poor child B. Has two siblings with SN. Parents want to make him share with older sib who doesn't want him and will disrupt his sleep. We've heard a lot about what works for A and C - B is almost an after thought.

None of them should share. You and dh sleep downstairs (extend in future?), or find a different house.

I've got 2 polar opposite asd ds's (11 & 6) sharing the biggest room. We've used bunk beds and some mdf boards to divide the room into 2, each side decorated differently - they can't see eachothers side so have their own privacy and space, and the eldest can watch tv/play computer with headphones with out disturbing the other. Works well for us. Then our nt middle child gets her own room.

I would set up one room with twin beds. The other with a single and try each combination for a month or so. Don’t get fixated on it staying the same forever. If they need to change every 3/6 months so they all get some space when they need it so be it. If you did. A combination that works for everyone then great.

Is B going to have their sleep disturbed no matter who they share with?
would it not be better then having A and C together then?