Who should share? WWYD?

[99Red]

3 children, let’s call them A, B, and C. Currently they each have their own room but we are moving to a 3 bed house (although the overall size of the house is bigger). Two of the children will need to share.

Child A: Has ASD, very quiet, insular. Intolerant of others. Attends a specialist secondary school. Does not want to share a room with anyone. Has sleep issues and is often awake half the night.

Child B: Neurotypical. Also secondary school age. Has recently started to spend time with Child A in Child A’s room (Child A appears happier and more animated when with Child B, but will unpredictability ‘snap’ and scream at Child B to leave). Child B is happy at the idea of sharing with Child A but does not want to share with Child C.

Child C: Has ASD and ADHD. Very loud, talks incessantly. Very friendly and dislikes being alone. Has some annoying habits and can be destructive. Primary school age (mainstream). Would absolutely love to share with Child B (often tries to sleep in Child B’s room already). Child B and Child C used to share but we separated them three years ago (and lost our home office) due to Child C’s sleep issues which are now largely resolved.

In a nutshell: Child A wants to share with no one. Child B wants to share with Child A but not Child C. Child C wants to share with Child B.

Advantage of putting A and B together is they are closer in age and B seems to help A with social interaction. It could be beneficial long-term for A to learn to tolerate others more, be less insular, and learn to compromise.

However, A has sleep issues which could impact on B. Also, A is prone to volatile outbursts, they don’t want to share and are becoming increasingly agitated at the idea of moving, so I don’t want create too much additional stress. I also worry if I put A and B together that C would be constantly trying to get in their room as they would feel left out.

C would love to share with B, but I worry they wouldn’t give B a minutes peace! C likes to play Lego and if C has own room they would have plenty of floor space for Lego (and to play). If C shares with B then the two beds would take up most of the floor area (Bunk beds not good idea, C has broken two sets previously).

Initially, I had decided to put A and B together. However, after taking A to visit the new house yesterday I’m thinking perhaps I should put B and C together. The main issue I think is the floor space - C would use the space to play but A wouldn’t utilise the space at all. In any scenario B would be given a work space away from the bedrooms for homework.

WWYD?

I would sleep downstairs with DH until the utility room could be transformed into a bedroom. I have done it in the past when we only had a one bedroom flat, it was fine as me and DH didn't really 'hang' out in our room anyway. This was until we could afford to move to a 2 bedroom.

I don't think it is fair at all for B to share with his siblings.

Do you really think Child B will thrive in his new school if he is unhappy at home and the room share will make him unhappy. Also please do not place the responsibility of this move on his shoulders. You and your dp have made this decision.

Sort term you and dp need to be on a sofa bed in downstairs living space and ideally get the utility converted asap even if you are using the laundrette/washing machines at service stations until you get the kitchen redone.

Child B has it tough already, do not make his life harder. Your choices here can have a huge impact on him and his relationship with you for years and years to come.

You need to be looking at houses that are either existing 3 beds with scope to either extend and put a downstairs 4th bedroom or with a room that could temporarily be converted to a bedroom while a loft conversion is happening.
The house you are close to closing on is just not suitable based on your situation (as I see it).

Is there any way that you can stay where you are and commute to the new location, even for a couple of weeks/months so that a more suitable home comes on the market for you?

Sounds like A and B should share and you work on the communication skills with both. A needs to learn to ask nicely and B needs to respect this, recognise the signs and leave for a while.

Is there room in the garden to built an insulated garden room that either A or B could use as their own space? Which would mean alone time would be much easier.

Maybe a loft conversion?

@Hegartyhell

Sounds like A and B should share and you work on the communication skills with both. A needs to learn to ask nicely and B needs to respect this, recognise the signs and leave for a while.

Is there room in the garden to built an insulated garden room that either A or B could use as their own space? Which would mean alone time would be much easier.

@Hegartyhell but how on earth can B ever feel like the room is also theirs if they have to leave whenever A wants them to?

Agree with PP that I would sleep downstairs with DH until a utility room or loft conversion could be done. I hear what you’re saying about the move benefiting the kids but it’s really pointless if their home life is disrupted. You’re just swapping one negative for another.

Maybe you could take the middle sized bedroom for yourselves & split the master bedroom into two with a simple stud wall or even a curtain if the budget is tight, just until you can fix up the utility room, not the best scenario but I would sacrifice space in my bedroom for harmony any time.

It's not an ideal situation but I'd give A&B the biggest room to share. I'd divide the room with privacy dividers. It means that If things are going well between them they can share as normal, but if A is struggling, the dividers go up and the big room becomes two smaller ones.
It'll take some inventive furniture (cabin beds with the desks and drawers underneath?) but giving two kids the big room with the guarantee of privacy is easily sellable.

I think it’s a bit extreme to say A is verbally abusive to B, I’ve perhaps not given the right impression. The most A says is ‘Ok get out now’ and ‘fuck off’, it makes you jump because it’s screamed/shouted out of nowhere. A would never go for B, he’s not at all violent towards others.

Like I said in recent months A has invited B into his room on a daily basis and he communicates better with B than anyone else (other than me), I even hear them laughing and chatting together which I don’t often hear. Which is why I thought it could be beneficial for A to share with B. It could bring A out of himself a bit more, maybe he will be less depressed. But it might not, it might do the opposite. I don’t know.

B never seems fazed by A shouting at him. B loves A and enjoys spending time with him. B is the only person A actually seems to genuinely enjoy spending time with. B is the only person A looks at. A often puts his arm around B and calls him ‘Bro’. B will often return to A’s room only minutes later only to be shouted at again. Which is why I think B is not that fazed as he could avoid A completely if he wanted to.

My main concern obviously is can A cope with not being able to tell B to get out. A would understand if they shared a room that yelling ‘get out’ would not be acceptable and he wouldn’t do that if B shared with him. It’s more likely he would just shutdown and stop communicating and eating.

Your DH and you don't have to share a room - it's only temporary. You could share with A, he could share with C, B gets privacy. Also has the benefit of having more support providing during a move that sounds like it is stressful for two children. Just because you don't perceived B as fazed, doesn't mean he isn't: you may undermine all the benefits of the new environment for him if he isn't stable at home.

Wasn't this an obvious problem when you found this house, or has something triggered the issue?

Whilst I sympathise with the non-ideal housing situation which makes the best of what you have, A and B cannot share. They both need independent safe spaces of their own.
B’s room cannot be somewhere where he is sporadically unwelcome. It should be a retreat (and a break from A and C), especially heading into secondary/teenage years. Not to mention that for their health and welfare they have a need and a right to be protected from interrupted sleep wherever possible.

In this situation I agree with PP that you sleep downstairs and the children have their own rooms. There’s a great article on the IKEA website about making this work if it something that you are willing to look into.

Is B only not fazed at being screamed and shouted at to Fuck Off and Get Out because that's the norm for him? Still not sounding great and not particularly positive environment. Is he aware that the thought of A not being able to do this will result in A not eating and withdrawing therefore is presenting as if he's not fazed. A heavy load for them maybe?

Wasn't this an obvious problem when you found this house, or has something triggered the issue?

When we viewed houses we all went and this was the one everyone liked the most. Lots of houses were unsuitable for various reasons - like, not on a main road as C is a runner, preferably detached as C can be very loud. Not overlooked as built up areas panic A and he wanted to be able to sees trees and fields from the house as these relax him. This was the only house that ticked all boxes with the exception of having 4 bedrooms. At that time B said he could share with A and A didn’t object. However, A takes a long time to process things and as they move gets closer he is becoming agitated. Which made me think am I doing the right thing putting them together?

On the other hand C is desperate to share with B!

Can you plan a loft conversion? And have two share on the understanding that it is only temporary.

I'd put a and b together.. if you don't want a sofa bed in lounge for you. Then you need to let b use your room in the evening if he wants space ..give him a desk and space in there so he can escape a. Then they just basically have to sleep in the same room not socialise. You can explain its only until you can build another bedroom somewhere.
Personally l would do a sofa bed for you and your stuff kept in largest room. I did this it worked fine. Obviously you have to have space for your personal items somewhere..but clothes can be kept in anyone's room

It's like one of those riddles about who sits where at the wedding.

A won't want to share
B will share but only with A
C will share with B

Erm. There's no great options really! Similar situation my friend had, she had to move to a 2 bed with 3 children (1 girl, 2 boys) she put a stud wall up in the largest room. The girl has to cross through the boys room to get to her own but has her own space. Would that be feasible?

It wouldn't be fair to force B to share with C as he would be the only one who's feelings weren't taken into account. I imagine it must be difficult having two ND siblings. And a middle child too!

All three bedrooms are roughly equal in size and described as large doubles.

Yes, I think it’s extra hard being NT and the middle child!

If they’re all reasonable sized doubles and you’re currently in rented, could you knock down the wall between two rooms and create three rooms there?

This might not be as expensive as you expect, and wouldn’t need to be too disruptive if you just stayed in rented for an extra week or so until it was done.

When people are used to their own space, they don't want to give it up. You made a foolish decision to buy a place with fewer bedrooms than you previously had, so no one will be happy.

The number of posts saying you need to extend or look for 4 bedrooms makes me cross. People are so blinkered to their own good fortune it's like it literally doesn't occur to them that pulling a fourth bedroom out of your ass isn't something possible for everyone

Op I would give the biggest bedroom to A&B. Keep it open but divided by a big kallax or something, with A's bed out of the way and a pullable curtain he can use when he needs privacy. B knows he doesn't disturb him when the curtain is pulled.

You and dh take the middle bedroom.

C has smallest bedroom. Maybe give them a trundle bed too and ask B if he'd mind doing the occasional sleepover to keep C happy?

I imagine B is routinely overlooked with A and C in the mix, so it seems a bit bloody to make him share. I'd be sticking up a stud wall or asking B to share with either A or C on the understanding that the utility room will be converted as soon as you are able.

OP, why don’t you post the upstairs floor plan with dimensions. You might get some good advice.

Are you or your husband any good with DIY?