Who should share? WWYD?

[99Red]

3 children, let’s call them A, B, and C. Currently they each have their own room but we are moving to a 3 bed house (although the overall size of the house is bigger). Two of the children will need to share.

Child A: Has ASD, very quiet, insular. Intolerant of others. Attends a specialist secondary school. Does not want to share a room with anyone. Has sleep issues and is often awake half the night.

Child B: Neurotypical. Also secondary school age. Has recently started to spend time with Child A in Child A’s room (Child A appears happier and more animated when with Child B, but will unpredictability ‘snap’ and scream at Child B to leave). Child B is happy at the idea of sharing with Child A but does not want to share with Child C.

Child C: Has ASD and ADHD. Very loud, talks incessantly. Very friendly and dislikes being alone. Has some annoying habits and can be destructive. Primary school age (mainstream). Would absolutely love to share with Child B (often tries to sleep in Child B’s room already). Child B and Child C used to share but we separated them three years ago (and lost our home office) due to Child C’s sleep issues which are now largely resolved.

In a nutshell: Child A wants to share with no one. Child B wants to share with Child A but not Child C. Child C wants to share with Child B.

Advantage of putting A and B together is they are closer in age and B seems to help A with social interaction. It could be beneficial long-term for A to learn to tolerate others more, be less insular, and learn to compromise.

However, A has sleep issues which could impact on B. Also, A is prone to volatile outbursts, they don’t want to share and are becoming increasingly agitated at the idea of moving, so I don’t want create too much additional stress. I also worry if I put A and B together that C would be constantly trying to get in their room as they would feel left out.

C would love to share with B, but I worry they wouldn’t give B a minutes peace! C likes to play Lego and if C has own room they would have plenty of floor space for Lego (and to play). If C shares with B then the two beds would take up most of the floor area (Bunk beds not good idea, C has broken two sets previously).

Initially, I had decided to put A and B together. However, after taking A to visit the new house yesterday I’m thinking perhaps I should put B and C together. The main issue I think is the floor space - C would use the space to play but A wouldn’t utilise the space at all. In any scenario B would be given a work space away from the bedrooms for homework.

WWYD?

Actually what @Fortheloveofgodwhy proposes is excellent.

Why can't the utility room become a bedroom immediately? That seems the obvious solution, even if whoever is sleeping there has to keep some of their stuff elsewhere.

I think all kids should have their own room and parents sleep downstairs on a sofa bed until a more permanant arrangement can be thought of.

Child B needs to be put first here really. What good is a better school if one way or another the kid is going to be too knackered to soak it all in.

A&C should share, so that the disruption is contained. Your suggestion of dividers and quiet spaces will help alleviate the propensity to murder each other.

@99Red

The other thought I had, and I don’t know if I’m correct in this, is that it could be beneficial for A to have to learn to communicate, share, compromise with another person. If he is always left alone in a room on his own it’s not so good long term. B is a good person to learn these skills with as like I said lately he invites B into his room on a daily basis and I sometimes hear him laughing which is nice. The issue is he will without warning decide he’s had enough, but if at that point he could retreat behind a screen? Maybe it could work.

Is B qualified to teach A these things?

When you say that A "decides without warning that he's had enough" how does this manifest?

Everyone needs their own bedroom.

Partition the main bedroom for 2 of the boys, the other takes the smallest room, you and your oh/dh take the middle room. Sorted.

The partition could be shelves, the fabulous idea posted previously, or just hardboard, but needs to be solid and immovable (eg not like a curtain).

Why can't the utility room become a bedroom immediately? Because no room in the kitchen for a washing machine. Obviously room could be created but it would require re-doing part of the kitchen. And also the utility room would need the plumbing and stuff removed and probably replastered after removing tiles and we wouldn’t immediately have the funds to do that.

B is not child's A councel nor saviour, it is not for him to teach A these things.

I'm not judging why you are moving but the bedroom situation will work for no one. Give the boys their own rooms and get a sofa bed in the lounge for you, with your clothes etc in the biggest room, then when money allows convert the utility.

When you say that A "decides without warning that he's had enough" how does this manifest?

A will say ‘Ok get out now’, B will sometimes leave right away and sometimes ignore him and stay. Or sometimes he will go to leave but not leave fast enough. Then A will scream/shout expletives. Then B will leave.

Can you and DH sleep downstairs? I think any combination of kids sharing is going to end in tears here tbh. A needs space to be alone.

I’m not expecting B to teach social skills overtly but A and B interacting with each other in a shared space will naturally teach A skills that he otherwise would not learn isolated in his own room.

All 3 have their own rooms and you sleep in the lounge until the utility room is converted. It's the only fair solution, given the children did not choose the house. But it sounds like as usual in these sorts of families, the NT child will have to be the one to compromise.

@JoanOgden

Why can't the utility room become a bedroom immediately? That seems the obvious solution, even if whoever is sleeping there has to keep some of their stuff elsewhere.

This, while you look at a loft conversion.

@99Red

When you say that A "decides without warning that he's had enough" how does this manifest?

A will say ‘Ok get out now’, B will sometimes leave right away and sometimes ignore him and stay. Or sometimes he will go to leave but not leave fast enough. Then A will scream/shout expletives. Then B will leave.

Absolutely poor B, is that just when he is in As room or at any point? And is it A who decides how fast is fast enough? How does B feel about this and is A challenged on this?

I am not sure this is workable no matter how much you want it too especially as they are used to not sharing. Only option, in biggest bedroom create two private spaces and you have smaller room with partner.

Poor B especially if he's sharing that room. Would it be an option to use the Utility room as a hang out space even with the washing machine still in there, bean bags, telly, console, just somewhere that's B could go to.

Op what do you think would happen if A ordered B out and B stood his ground - it's my room too?

So unfortunately A and B sharing would result in B becoming A's verbal punchbag and having no space of his own to retreat to.

I think you need to seriously consider sleeping downstairs until a conversion or extension can be done.

It sounds all very challenging, but B still needs to be protected and supported.

Give them a bedroom each and you and your dh sleep in living room. Don't make their lives uncomfortable for your convenience.

You need a 4th sleeping space. Loft conversion or a room downstairs for you?

We went from rented to buying for the first time and all we could afford was a three bedroom house. Similar situation with one ASD, one was a toddler and the other secondary school age so it just was never going to work for any combination to share. We took one of the living rooms as our bedroom so that all the children get their own rooms.

Trust me, if you can, absolutely do this. With the toddler sleep issues on top of the ASD sleep issues, the whole family's wellbeing would have really suffered if any children had had to share.

Currently in a similar position. My A is in high school and a boy, complex needs but us and school feel ASD - can get quite angry, is loud and shouty and PC obsessive, shares with B but takes over the bedroom. B is a boy two years younger also at high school, completely NT, very intelligent but behavioural issues due to problems with dad and dealing with siblings. My C is a primary aged girl with ASD, problems sleeping, very demanding. We've hit breaking point. A and B currently share the largest room, I have the middle sized and C has the small one. A is going in C's room, B is having the middle room and C is going to temporarily share with me. I'll be putting a conservatory on to use as a dining room and will then be moving downstairs to have the dining room as my bedroom. It's not perfect but my children do need their own rooms. If it's at the detriment of me sharing or having to sleep elsewhere then so be it, sharing is doing no good for B's mental health. You said the downstairs is quite open plan but even if you partitioned a bit off with a partition wall it sounds like that might be better for all involved. I do feel your pain though, it's hard work.

It’s not always about the neurotypical child making the compromises. One of the main reasons we decided to relocate was for child B, he was in a unhappy school situation. The school has very poor results and limited subject choices, small school with only 40-60 children per year, no children that B really connected with. We are also in a village with no buses after 5pm, nothing for teens to do. B benefits most in general from the move. A loves living in the middle of nowhere and hates change. He doesn’t benefit at all from moving.

@99Red

A and C sharing is definitely not an option. They would probably murder each other. Although they both have ASD there needs are complete opposites.

Yes, I always feel bad for B as it is very difficult for him at times. However, other than the room sharing he will benefit most from the move as his new school is excellent. He is very excited about the opportunities and subjects available at the new school. We will also be closer to family and there are shops and buses and things. We are currently quite rural which inhibits his ability to be socially independent. He feels he wouldn’t mind sharing with A and said he’s happy to. (But not C)

New option: give boys boys room each, you and partner (if you have one) sleep in sofa bed until utility has been made into a new bedroom, move B - who is most likely to accept another shift in routine - into brand new downstairs room, then you move back upstairs.

You cannot ask the boys to share, it is so unfair

I think provided A and B have marked areas in the room that are theirs, so A can't demand B leaves but A can go in your room if he needs to seek space, that would be best.