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Original poster

In a pickle over lack of thank you & holiday contribution

258 replies

bettybottersbetterbutter · 30/07/2021 11:28

About a 6 weeks ago my DD was taken away for the weekend by a school friend and her family to their holiday home in Cornwall. She's obviously very lucky and we thanked the parents before and after but that was it and I'm now looking back and feeling totally mortified that we didn't offer or send DD with a proper contribution (ie more than the £20 pocket money she took) or send a note and gift to the parents afterwards thanking them.
I could list the reasons why these things didn't happen at the time but suffice to say it was more poor time management than significant life event so not relevant and totally not a valid excuse.

We don't know the parents bar the odd WhatsApp message but I do know their address so really poor on my behalf not to at least have sent a thank you.

How can I resolve this 6 weeks after the event without looking totally ridiculous or like someone has prompted me.

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 30/07/2021 12:18

@bettybottersbetterbutter how old is dd?

Think going with £20 very different if you are 9 versus 19?

I have taken DC friends on holidays etc and never expected any contribution. I invited them-happy to host them.
I think if the parents expected any contribution they would have said upfront?

Took some DC friends away last minute due to unforeseen circumstances and just asked for the to pay their Easy jet flights and that was it.

shenanigans5 · 30/07/2021 12:18

Wording- dear X, I realise I’m a little on the slow side but y had such a wonderful time on holiday with you and we want to say a huge thank you.
We hope Z will be able to join us when we go on xxxxx trip/day out. I’ll be in touch about dates. All the best, xxxxx

MaMelon · 30/07/2021 12:19

We’re just back from a fortnight away and took DS’s friend - it was as much for our benefit more than anything as we’d have had to deal with a very bored 14 year old. Parents took us out for a meal before we left and gave us flowers and a thank you card when we got back - both lovely but completely unnecessary. I would have been mortified if they’d offered to pay for his share of a self catering holiday - we wouldn’t have offered to take him if we couldn’t afford it Hmm.

A bottle of wine or some flowers with a card apologising for the delay and thanking them so much is absolutely fine.

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caughtinanet · 30/07/2021 12:19

@CitrusIceCream

I’d send a champagne and flower bundle

Er...what? It’s a bottle of champagne & a bunch of flowers. Like [[https://www.marksandspencer.com/kalanchoe-gift-bag-with-prosecco/p/flp60513966 THIS]]

So sorry for using the wrong word 🙄

Haha,

I thought it was two separate things. a bottle of champagne and something I've never heard of called a flower bundle Grin

I obviously move in very different circles to the rest of you, no one I know gives anyone else champagne except for maybe a wedding gift and would be embarassed I think to receive something like that in this situation

MySecretHistory · 30/07/2021 12:20

@PrettyLittleFlies

Case of champagne? Hampers? Seriously? These suggestions cannot be from people with real life children and holiday homes.

My kids have been on v flash holidays with friends who wouldn't accept a penny.

Likewise when their friends come with us and I don't expect - or accept - a thing! The joy is the children having their friends with them.

You know when Mumsnet discusses which class everyone is for days on end

A living example on this thread.

pinknail · 30/07/2021 12:20

Agree, send flowers and a card with a note saying time has flown etc but what a lovely gesture and dd loved it.

I'd definitely offer to have the friend maybe overnight from a Friday to Sunday morning/ day so they can have some time doing whatever and you are showing you'll give back. Maybe movie night the first night with snacks and a day out the Saturday.

This will strengthen the bond between the relationship between parents well and shows you didn't take the holiday for granted.

PatsyJStone · 30/07/2021 12:20

Gemma2019

Brilliantly put. With you 100%

SleepingStandingUp · 30/07/2021 12:21

What was the actual conversation?

If it's only really cost a bit for food to feed her for the weekend, then sending a gift worth hundreds might actually embarrass them.

ditalini · 30/07/2021 12:22

How odd! Every other post I've ever seen on Mumsnet about whether someone should contribute if invited to something is crystal clear - if you invite then you pay.

Certainly if you're expecting a contribution towards activities, which would be reasonable if you were planning lots of paid for stuff, then you'd mention it upfront.

A card is a nice idea, but from your dd as a thank you note rather than you. Champagne and flowers for a weekend away at their holiday cottage that they extended the invite to is OTT.

fantastaballs · 30/07/2021 12:22

I'm the other parent in this equation. Just yesterday I offered to take my daughters best friend to Greece with us as my husband can't go. The holiday is already paid for and amendments are free. So I offered and told them we were happy to do it. I said I will cover costs when we are there to as its doing me a favour and keeping my daughter company too. I don't expect a contribution as I am the person extending the invite. But that's not to say a thank you wouldn't be appreciated.

User5827372728 · 30/07/2021 12:23

I would ask DD to make a handmade thank you card and send it along with some flowers and wouldn’t give it another moments thought

GreenTortoise · 30/07/2021 12:24

Agree with Gemma. People are being a bit OTT.

If you have the money and want to a bunch of flowers would be fine.

Or even a text. Time flies and I'm sure they're not offended.

LittleGwyneth · 30/07/2021 12:24

Send flowers with a note saying 'so sorry for the delay in thanking you properly, DD had a wonderful time. Please let me know how much we owe you for her contribution.'

WeAreTheHeroes · 30/07/2021 12:25

@zoeydollie

In normal life, if your child’s friend invites your child for a day out, meal, sleepover or weekend with their family, you say thank you, tell your child to behave and maybe invite their friend back sometime.

You don’t send them £100 or cases of champagne. Especially not weeks later.

Exactly what I was thinking. Why do some people suggest gifts covering the cost of the weekend when it was an invitation and no financial contribution was asked for?
CutePanda · 30/07/2021 12:26

@bettybottersbetterbutter

Thanks guys I really like the suggestion of an honest time has flown but belated thanks and I will send some flowers and a note today. Do you think I should mention financial contribution? To be honest that's the bit I'm really embarrassed about as it's so presumptuous to send your child off for the weekend and not offer to pay Blush
Just send a thank you card and a gift. They might be offended if you suddenly give them money.
doscervesas · 30/07/2021 12:26

A couple of days in their own holiday home, no doubt at least partly to help their own child enjoy the break, and there are suggestions of half a case of champagne or a hamper? No wonder people talk about MN being a parallel universe.

Why would she need more than £20 unless they were taking part in some expensive activities which should have been mentioned beforehand anyway?

Even having flowers delivered would be over the top.

If you really want to repay them in some way OP, the best suggestion is to include the friend in an outing one day soon with your family.

MaverickDanger · 30/07/2021 12:28

I’d just reciprocate and have the friend for a sleepover and day out in the holidays.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/07/2021 12:29

@CitrusIceCream

I’d send a champagne and flower bundle or something with a note saying:

I’ve been very mindful of the fact that we haven’t yet properly thanked you for your generosity and kindness in taking DD away with you on holiday. She had such a wonderful time and we’re so grateful to you for fitting her in your suitcase!

Sincere apologies for the delay - life has been getting in the way a bit recently, so the thought was there while the action took a little longer.

Thanks again,

XXXXX & DD

I like this ... Not mentioning the omission would almost make things worse, but this covers it nicely
ElephantOfRisk · 30/07/2021 12:30

@fantastaballs

I'm the other parent in this equation. Just yesterday I offered to take my daughters best friend to Greece with us as my husband can't go. The holiday is already paid for and amendments are free. So I offered and told them we were happy to do it. I said I will cover costs when we are there to as its doing me a favour and keeping my daughter company too. I don't expect a contribution as I am the person extending the invite. But that's not to say a thank you wouldn't be appreciated.
Yes, I think if there was to be a cost involved you'd state it upfront. I know it's not quite the same, but we recently went away for a week and son's girlfriend came with us. Both students as is my other son. We made sure to say upfront that they were coming as our guests and nothing was required. i.e. we would be paying for activities and meals out etc and supplying the food ad drink in the lodge. It just makes it so much easier and relaxing knowing what the situation is upfront. They all said thank you at the time and that's enough.

In OPs case I wouldn't offer money now but a proper thanks in the form of flowers/gift if affordable or just a nice card now will be perfect, if you are able to offer some return hospitality in the form of even a weekend sleepover or day out then I think that would also be appreciated.

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 12:31

What’s wrong with people saying they had no costs. What do they think the kids sat in and starved for the long weekend, I’m fairly sure they ate, drank and did activities. Confused

Op just send a thank you card and half a case of good wine. It’s one thing for folks not to want a d decline a contribution, it’s another not to offer and expect it for free. I think that’s what some posters are missing.

crimsonlake · 30/07/2021 12:32

I think it is a bit late to be feeling guilty all of a sudden 6 weeks later? How has this just suddenly occurred to you?

PrettyLittleFlies · 30/07/2021 12:33

@Bluntness100

What’s wrong with people saying they had no costs. What do they think the kids sat in and starved for the long weekend, I’m fairly sure they ate, drank and did activities. Confused

Op just send a thank you card and half a case of good wine. It’s one thing for folks not to want a d decline a contribution, it’s another not to offer and expect it for free. I think that’s what some posters are missing.

Bluntness you are so out of touch, I can't help but feel you are fantasising. Seriously, no normal holiday house people do this.
WeAreTheHeroes · 30/07/2021 12:34

What's wrong with people saying you have to send "half a case of good wine"? If someone issues an invitation then yes, I wouldn't expect to be expected to make a contribution!

PrettyLittleFlies · 30/07/2021 12:34

@MaverickDanger

I’d just reciprocate and have the friend for a sleepover and day out in the holidays.
Yes, and equally it's OK not to. Give because you want to not because you expect something in return.
SpiderinaWingMirror · 30/07/2021 12:34

Mm. I suppose it depends on the financial contribution. Your dd going prob made it fun for their dd and for them.
Dd2 went for a week with a friend when she was 12. I sent her with a gift of red and white wine for the parents, gave her 50 quid spends and put 70 quid in an envelope for the parents to contribute towards food.
They were very grateful but said the most important thing was that dd had said a proper thank you at least twice a day! They had taken another child previously who they found had no manners!

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