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Original poster

In a pickle over lack of thank you & holiday contribution

258 replies

bettybottersbetterbutter · 30/07/2021 11:28

About a 6 weeks ago my DD was taken away for the weekend by a school friend and her family to their holiday home in Cornwall. She's obviously very lucky and we thanked the parents before and after but that was it and I'm now looking back and feeling totally mortified that we didn't offer or send DD with a proper contribution (ie more than the £20 pocket money she took) or send a note and gift to the parents afterwards thanking them.
I could list the reasons why these things didn't happen at the time but suffice to say it was more poor time management than significant life event so not relevant and totally not a valid excuse.

We don't know the parents bar the odd WhatsApp message but I do know their address so really poor on my behalf not to at least have sent a thank you.

How can I resolve this 6 weeks after the event without looking totally ridiculous or like someone has prompted me.

OP posts:
MuckyPlucky · 30/07/2021 23:17

@Bluntness100 in your most recent post where you talk about going out for a meal & being expected to pay your share… You’re spectacularly misunderstanding the difference between a shared
night-out and hosting.

Purpl · 31/07/2021 17:25

On yiur note I’d add she has such a great time hadn’t stopped talking about the fun you all had

bluebeach · 31/07/2021 17:34

Hang on, these people own a holiday home, in Cornwall. They are not short of cash. I’m sure they benefited greatly by having someone to entertain their own kid.
If they expected some sort of contribution I’m sure this would have come up at the time of organising. Max, send a thank you card and and if you like, offer to have their kid come stay over at yours sometime.

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Families
exaltedwombat · 31/07/2021 17:34

It's all fine. They were generous, you thanked them. The marginal cost of including your daughter wasn't enormous. They probably saw taking her as a treat for THEIR daughter.

They can afford a holiday home. I'm guessing you aren't quite so flush? Include their daughter in a future outing in your price range. Trust me, they aren't totting up.

Bearhorn · 31/07/2021 17:40

I bring my children's friends to our holiday home a lot and am just so happy to have them their keeping my children entertained that it wouldn't occur to me to be gifted for it. A thank you, as you've done, would be more than enough.

Bearhorn · 31/07/2021 17:41

*there

WombatChocolate · 31/07/2021 18:06

This is all cultural isn’t it.

Lots of people can’t imagine their child ever being invited on holiday by another family, or another family paying for their child. That’s because lots of people always pay their own way and don’t offer to others as they can’t afford it, so if ever another child joins them for a trip out or their child goes with another family, the parent of child always pays. That’s the norm in lots of circles and would include a parent paying for their own child’s ticket to a small farm or a theme park or even for an ice cream.

Other circles are quite different and it’s very normal for a family to take another child or children out for expensive days out and pay for everything without batting an eyelid. They don’t expect big thanks or gifts and if their child gets invited back to do something, a similar arrangement is likely. Most people aren’t counting costs and a more affluent person might invite to something luxurious, whilst the other family might return with an invitation to a picnic or something much cheaper. It’s about friendship and including people and the specific activity or cost isn’t the issue. Easy to say when money is plentiful.

This is similar with adults inviting others for meals etc. Some groups always expect to pay for themselves. Others always pay for everything if they invite. There’s no right or wrong but these things can cause stress, worry, misunderstanding and resentment, which is why a brief word clarifying at the time of organisation is always good. After that a pattern emerges and as long as everyone is happy, things are fine.

But people must speak up if they are not happy. If a child is invited to something expensive and it turns out you’re expected to pay, and you can’t afford it or don’t want to, just politely decline the invitation. If you feel someone has been incredibly generous to you or your kids, look to offer hospitality in return, but within your budget - there is no need to keep a tally of costs. It about friendship.

31flavours · 31/07/2021 18:20

I’m more concerned that you didn’t know them bar a few WhatsApp messages and sent your daughter with them. Not insinuating anything wrong about them but surely knowledge about who these people are should be a little more detailed than what you had.

Bertiebiscuit · 31/07/2021 18:58

Do the right thing now and be honest about your absent-mindedness at the time - it's never too late to explain and make amends

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 31/07/2021 19:37

I can’t believe you sent her on holiday with £20 😳 I can bet my life that they wouldn’t of been best pleased with that for a start!!!

zoeydollie · 31/07/2021 19:41

@OneMamaAndHerGirl

I can’t believe you sent her on holiday with £20 😳 I can bet my life that they wouldn’t of been best pleased with that for a start!!!
If I invited a kid to stay for the weekend I wouldn't expect them to bring any money. How much do you usually charge your children's friends?
Ideasplease322 · 31/07/2021 20:08

@OneMamaAndHerGirl

I can’t believe you sent her on holiday with £20 😳 I can bet my life that they wouldn’t of been best pleased with that for a start!!!
It was a weekend at their holiday home, she is a child.

How much would you expect her to take? She wasn’t going to treat them to a meal out. She was going to buy sweets and ice cream.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 31/07/2021 20:11

@Bluntness100

I’m surprised you sent her away with twenty quid. I don’t know what you were thinking.

I’d send a message and say “shit time got away from me, wanted to say thanks, understand I owe you x amount, what’s your bank details please” . Just ask your daughter how much she thinks was spent on her. If she’s too young guesstimate. Say 80 -100 quid cor the weekend.

I really wouldn’t start with the word ‘shit’ Nor should you ask for bank details - tacky as it put the onus on them to give the details and reclaim the money. Why don’t you just say Dd had such an amazing time - thank you so much, would X be available for theme park/ liquid leisure/ skating or whatever and take her out for the day. I have a holiday home and we’ve hosted countless children over the years and a verbal thank you has always sufficed. Don’t forget that your DD was there to make their lives easier in entertaining their child. I really think that you are over-thinking it.
MaMelon · 31/07/2021 20:16

@OneMamaAndHerGirl

I can’t believe you sent her on holiday with £20 😳 I can bet my life that they wouldn’t of been best pleased with that for a start!!!
£20 for the weekend is fine for a young child to buy some sweets and ice cream - what on earth are you on about.

If I invite one of the DCs away with us for the weekend I don't expect them or their parents to put their hands in their pockets at all. £20 is plenty of extra pocket money.

Ideasplease322 · 31/07/2021 20:17

I thought the dinner party when the host then tells everyone what they owe her were urban legends.

Not at all, bluntness is the host😂😂😂

I suspect any etiquette expert would tell you your property daughter was invited to this child’s (second) home for the weekend. You sent her with pocket money for sweets and ice cream. You said thank you, I assume your child said thank you.

You will return the hospitality by inviting the child to your home.

Bank details and itemised bills are tacky and inappropriate.

Miss manners would be appalled by this thread.

QualityMarguerite · 31/07/2021 20:23

Yeah huge over thinking. Just offer to return the favour with an over night or day out- presuming they still get on:) Your child had an overnight in a holiday home - it’s no big deal but probably made their life easier. Bank transfers or extravagant drinks/flowers are complete over kill.

CauliflowerBalti · 31/07/2021 20:33

We just took my son’s best friend away for the week and didn’t expect financial contribution or a gift. If we had, we’d have made that explicit as part of the invitation, but it only cost us his food and we were happy to cover that given the amount of times our son has eaten with them, so it’s a similar situation to your daughter’s friend I imagine. So don’t assume they’re sitting there stewing on it, and it’s definitely not too late to send a thank you.

Mumofsons87 · 31/07/2021 21:08

Hold on a second people are talking about paying a contribution for it? I don't get that, It's their holiday home, For a weekend, should she pay towards the mortgage on the place or what? Her LO kept their LO happy and entertained for the weekend they wouldn't have invited her if they expected to be paid for it which is essentially what people are suggesting really. Bottle of wine or flowers and a thank you card is MORE than enough. Maybe next time ask to be informed of any activities that need to be paid for when the parents invite her along.

Ddot · 31/07/2021 21:17

Gift card for nice shop, can't turn it down if you pop it into letter box

Ideasplease322 · 31/07/2021 21:34

@Ddot

Gift card for nice shop, can't turn it down if you pop it into letter box
Really, for a sleep over at their holiday home!

This really must be a cultural thing. Taking a child to your holiday home is really not a big deal, surely? Do you give gift cards after every pay date, every sleepover? That must get expensive.

rookiemere · 31/07/2021 22:06

Some of the responses do seem very excessive. We're just back from UK break where DSs friend joined us for the second half of the week.

The family gave us £100 which covered the activities they did, meals on top but nothing major, some attractions had a family ticket so effectively it cost us the same for 4 as it does with 3.

The main thing was that DS15 had a much better time than he would have done on his own.

If I hadn't got the money from the DM a thank you text would have been nice but not compulsory- I'd be very happy with a thank you letter and flowers a few weeks after the event- particularly as there have been sleepovers at OPs house.

SoftSheen · 31/07/2021 22:53

Your DD stayed over with her friend their second home. It was kind of the parents to invite her, but you really, really don't need to send them a case of champagne Grin Grin and £20 pocket money sounds fine to me.

Rather than sending an extravagant present (which may actually embarrass the receiver), reciprocate by inviting DD's friend to a sleepover or nice day out, and make sure she has a good time.

tackies · 01/08/2021 10:22

I take our dcs friends with us a lot, I always refuse money from their parents. Its our treat. Yes we are in a position to be able to afford it so I know others might not but they probably wouldn't ask if that was their case. Their parents usually give them a few pound when sending them off, maybe 10 or 20 and usually I send them home with it. Its nearly always returned in the form of other parents helping out with soccer lifts, school runs etc. Suits me fine

Bluebelle100 · 01/08/2021 10:59

Make a belated gesture and apologise for it being belated. Hindsight- time to think after the event and the penny drops. Don't beat yourself for being slow to the party. I've done similar in the past and that was due to being a v busy mum working full time etc. It's best to be honest and I'm sure they will appreciate it.

WeAreTheHeroes · 01/08/2021 13:39

Rtft - she's already done it!