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Original poster

In a pickle over lack of thank you & holiday contribution

258 replies

bettybottersbetterbutter · 30/07/2021 11:28

About a 6 weeks ago my DD was taken away for the weekend by a school friend and her family to their holiday home in Cornwall. She's obviously very lucky and we thanked the parents before and after but that was it and I'm now looking back and feeling totally mortified that we didn't offer or send DD with a proper contribution (ie more than the £20 pocket money she took) or send a note and gift to the parents afterwards thanking them.
I could list the reasons why these things didn't happen at the time but suffice to say it was more poor time management than significant life event so not relevant and totally not a valid excuse.

We don't know the parents bar the odd WhatsApp message but I do know their address so really poor on my behalf not to at least have sent a thank you.

How can I resolve this 6 weeks after the event without looking totally ridiculous or like someone has prompted me.

OP posts:
Unsinkablemoll · 30/07/2021 12:37

Sorry I'm so useless, things have been a bit hectic over here. Just wanted to give you a little something as thanks as we really appreciated you looking after DD. Then give it to them. Better late than never.

caughtinanet · 30/07/2021 12:42

@Bluntness100

What’s wrong with people saying they had no costs. What do they think the kids sat in and starved for the long weekend, I’m fairly sure they ate, drank and did activities. Confused

Op just send a thank you card and half a case of good wine. It’s one thing for folks not to want a d decline a contribution, it’s another not to offer and expect it for free. I think that’s what some posters are missing.

Why do you think everyone likes wine, I don't drink wine and would be more embarassed that someone had wasted a lot of money on something that wouldn't be drunk than annoyed they hadn't sent me anything
CoffeeBeansGalore · 30/07/2021 12:44

A thank you is always appreciated. If you want to send flowers I highly recommend www.bunches.co.uk

Lovely flowers, last for ages & currently can use code BUN25 for 25% off some of the flowers.

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Eviethyme · 30/07/2021 12:44

I would be put out of parents had sent there child with £20 to cover a weekend away. I would expect them to have atleast £60-£100 to spend

SGChome20 · 30/07/2021 12:44

I don’t think I would offer to take another child away and then expect their delivery parents to pay anything towards it really. Although I’d probably need to be quite close to the person for them to take my child so there would likely be a reciprocal agreement.

A thank you would be nice though, bottle of plonk or restaurant vouchers and their child can come to you for a sleepover maybe so that they can have a night off?

I8toys · 30/07/2021 12:48

We took a friends child to France for the week to Centreparcs paid for everything - activities etc. We just expected them to be sent with their spends.

Didn't expect anything in return but then friend turned up with a voucher for a night at a hotel which we came back which was lovely and totally unexpected.

As people have said offer to have the child in return and pay for everything.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/07/2021 12:48

@MaverickDanger

I’d just reciprocate and have the friend for a sleepover and day out in the holidays.
I would do this. Far better money to spend the money on a trip to Alton Towers or Thorpe Park or other activity if they wouldn’t enjoy it etc for the dcs.

Idk how old your dd and their is. But if you’re in communication with the parents, you could send a text saying you never got round to thanking them properly for taking your dd away and thought it would be nice to take their dd to x with a sleepover after. Then ask if she would enjoy that and if she will be free.

doscervesas · 30/07/2021 12:51

I would expect them to have atleast £60-£100 to spend

For a weekend in their own holiday cottage?

Bearsinmotion · 30/07/2021 12:51

Really interesting to see the range of views on here! DP and I separated last year and I had already paid for a holiday for 4. I invited DD’s friend to take up the extra space, they spend a lot of time together and I know she isn’t getting another holiday this year. If I get a bit of spending money and a happy DD out of it I don’t expect anything more, and would find anything else a bit embarrassing Blush

pinkflask · 30/07/2021 12:52

OP says she did say thank you before and after - that’s a thank you! If someone said thank you to me, I’d consider myself thanked and nothing else is needed.

zoeydollie · 30/07/2021 12:53

@Bluntness100

What’s wrong with people saying they had no costs. What do they think the kids sat in and starved for the long weekend, I’m fairly sure they ate, drank and did activities. Confused

Op just send a thank you card and half a case of good wine. It’s one thing for folks not to want a d decline a contribution, it’s another not to offer and expect it for free. I think that’s what some posters are missing.

No one invites a kid for a weekend and expects their guest to pay for food, drinks and activities Hmm

I have 4 kids and have never met any parent that thinks that way.

You don’t invite a child somewhere and expect them to either cover their costs or give you a gift of equivalent value. Or if you do you’re incredibly tight and should stop inviting children to things.

Do you tot up the value of the presents given at your kids’ birthday parties too?

bringincrazyback · 30/07/2021 12:53

Yes, and equally it's OK not to. Give because you want to not because you expect something in return.

This the excuse my DH's ex makes for being one of life's takers and never giving back in return. It's entitled/CF behaviour to just take without giving back imo. (OP, that's not directed at you - you've posted asking how you can make amends and I'm talking about people who think no reciprocity is needed.)

Upwherethebirdsfly · 30/07/2021 12:54

As others have said, I’m sure they won’t have expected a contribution - she was invited as their guest and their accommodation was already covered. Don’t overthink it - send some lovely flowers and a card with a sincere message, and next time offer a contribution when she is invited.

zoeydollie · 30/07/2021 12:56

@Eviethyme

I would be put out of parents had sent there child with £20 to cover a weekend away. I would expect them to have atleast £60-£100 to spend
If you can’t afford it, then don’t invite another kid along.
ElephantOfRisk · 30/07/2021 12:57

I just realised it was a weekend and not a week, a nice thank you and invite over for a day out or sleepover is perfectly fine. No gift required and I wouldn't necessarily do a card either, i'm sure thank you was said at the time so I'd just message using text or whatsapp or whatever you normally use and just offer a further thanks and an offer to come play/sleepover or whatever.

MsTSwift · 30/07/2021 12:59

Hope I’m not tight taking 4 teens to a festival and asked parents to load up their own child’s wristbands for spending money. They all seem v grateful that their teens getting to go to a festival in a vaguely supervised way

Crockof · 30/07/2021 12:59

You don’t invite a child somewhere and expect them to either cover their costs or give you a gift of equivalent value. Or if you do you’re incredibly tight and should stop inviting children to things

I don't necessarily agree with this, you shouldn't feel you can't invite someone because you can't afford it but equally you need to be upfront. My son has had a few invites where a parent says 'I'm taking Alan to the cinema/theme park/soft play, if Billy would like to join us it will be £10/£50' it's not being tight to not be able to afford to take someone.

MsTSwift · 30/07/2021 13:00

I’m sorting transport accommodation and at base food

MrsBede · 30/07/2021 13:01

I'm aghast at some of these replies. Even people saying things like 'there's no need but maybe 'just' get them cases of wine, flowers, restaurant vouchers....'etc For some people these things are just not affordable (not saying the OP can't afford it) and not needed at all for what was essentially a sleepover. A thank you and if doable returning the invitation is all that's required.

DGFB · 30/07/2021 13:02

I wouldn’t mention financial contribution.
But I would send flowers and wine and a card and say thank you.
A late thank you is indeed better than no thank you.
Then offer to have their daughter over for a fun sleepover

ElephantOfRisk · 30/07/2021 13:03

@MsTSwift

Hope I’m not tight taking 4 teens to a festival and asked parents to load up their own child’s wristbands for spending money. They all seem v grateful that their teens getting to go to a festival in a vaguely supervised way
Nope, that's perfectly fine, you are offering an opportunity to go, providing transport and general supervision. I'd be perfectly happy with that.
Ideasplease322 · 30/07/2021 13:03

I am surprised people think you should have paid.

These people invited a child to their home to play with their own child. Would they really expect a contribution to their grocery bill?

Yes to the thank you, and of course a gift a not saying what a wonderful time the child had. But this was their home, it’s not as if they paid for her to go on a cruise.

Mumsnet is a different word😂

zoeydollie · 30/07/2021 13:04

@Crockof

You don’t invite a child somewhere and expect them to either cover their costs or give you a gift of equivalent value. Or if you do you’re incredibly tight and should stop inviting children to things

I don't necessarily agree with this, you shouldn't feel you can't invite someone because you can't afford it but equally you need to be upfront. My son has had a few invites where a parent says 'I'm taking Alan to the cinema/theme park/soft play, if Billy would like to join us it will be £10/£50' it's not being tight to not be able to afford to take someone.

Arranging to go somewhere at the same time as someone else isn’t really an invite.
ElephantOfRisk · 30/07/2021 13:05

and @MsTSwift, what you are doing is not inviting one kid on your family holiday so definitely different and stating upfront what the deal is is perfect.

zoeydollie · 30/07/2021 13:06

@DGFB

I wouldn’t mention financial contribution. But I would send flowers and wine and a card and say thank you. A late thank you is indeed better than no thank you. Then offer to have their daughter over for a fun sleepover
OP already said thank you at the time. Where has “no thank you” come from?