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Original poster

In a pickle over lack of thank you & holiday contribution

258 replies

bettybottersbetterbutter · 30/07/2021 11:28

About a 6 weeks ago my DD was taken away for the weekend by a school friend and her family to their holiday home in Cornwall. She's obviously very lucky and we thanked the parents before and after but that was it and I'm now looking back and feeling totally mortified that we didn't offer or send DD with a proper contribution (ie more than the £20 pocket money she took) or send a note and gift to the parents afterwards thanking them.
I could list the reasons why these things didn't happen at the time but suffice to say it was more poor time management than significant life event so not relevant and totally not a valid excuse.

We don't know the parents bar the odd WhatsApp message but I do know their address so really poor on my behalf not to at least have sent a thank you.

How can I resolve this 6 weeks after the event without looking totally ridiculous or like someone has prompted me.

OP posts:
ElephantOfRisk · 30/07/2021 13:45

It's the wau you word it though isn't it?

"We have an extra space available on our holiday to spain, I know that Ella would love Sophie to come along. It would be £300 for her flight etc but she wont need spending money as we will cover any activities and treats"

"I wondered if Sophie would like to come as our guest on our holiday this year, Ella would love it and it would help us entertain her"

PegasusReturns · 30/07/2021 13:45

There’s a balance isn’t there.

Your Dc spending a weekend in someone’s home (whether holiday or other) doesn’t warrant anything more than a sincere thank you and a bunch of flowers at most. Offering cash would be very strange .

At the other end of the spectrum three weeks in Florida with theme park tickets and dining out every night would require a conversation up front around what contribution was expected. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect a contribution of some sort. Possibly park tickets but as the host I would expect to pay for eating and day to day activities.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 13:51

Because you left it so late, to make it less awkward I think a small gesture is needed to say thank you. Bit weird to message saying thanks 6 weeks later!

I'd just apologise for being so late and offer to take the friend for the weekend to reciprocate. (saying yours at such a good time, can't wait to see their friends again bladibla)

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MiddleParking · 30/07/2021 13:54

Half a case of good wine has really made me laugh Grin

Shedbuilder · 30/07/2021 13:54

Agree with you completely, Multivac.

listsandbudgets · 30/07/2021 13:58

DD (15) went away for a week with her friends family this morning..I discussed money with them upbfront and they said they didn't need any..Ive put enough extra in her bank account to pay for a meal somewhere along the way and a bit extra in case of emergency.

PiddleOfPuppies · 30/07/2021 14:00

I think you're overthinking, OP. I've taken my children's friends away countless times and I'd be embarrassed to get a crate of champagne in exchange! I was brought up to believe guests were treated as one of the family, so it was part of the budget. I would be happy with some flowers and a bottle of wine, plus the knowledge that my guest enjoyed themselves.

BungleandGeorge · 30/07/2021 14:00

Some people do expect payment for activities etc. Personally I expect to pay if I extend an invitation. Ultimately I’d be inviting the extra child for the benefit of my child, not for the benefit of the other child so I wouldn’t expect them to pay.
I think the best thing would be to invite the other child on a day out with you

zoeydollie · 30/07/2021 14:01

@Bagamoyo1

I must be very out of touch because I would absolutely expect a contribution if I took someone’s kid on holiday. Food, drink, activities etc - all costs money. The bit I’m offering for free is the childcare. The rest I’d want them to cover the cost of. Of course I regularly take other people’s kids out for the day and pay for it all myself, but I would expect to be offered money at least. I’m astounded that people expect someone to take their kid on holiday, feed them, entertain them, drive them around, look after them, and receive nothing in return!
I don't know if it's out of touch but definitely a bit... grabby? Transactional?

You don't normally invite people to things and then charge them, unless it's clearly a paid-for event. Difference between "please come to my party" and "I'm putting on an event, tickets are £20".

If you invite someone on holiday of course you feed them and drive them around. If you want to be paid for something then you tell them upfront, I will take your child on holiday for £100.

listsandbudgets · 30/07/2021 14:04

^ Sorry hit send too soon

I agree with PPs an acknowledgement of some sort would be a lovely gesture. I once took DDs friend to London with us. Three nights in a hotel, theatre and a few touristy things and the parents never even uttered the word thank you. It did rankle but what mattered to me was that DD enjoyed it more because her friend was there

MareofBeasttown · 30/07/2021 14:05

I would never expect payment for this. A thank you message would be enough. And in a pandemic, I expect a lot of people to be behind in their time management so I would not think badly of you. ( As long as thanks eventually arrived).

MunroBagger · 30/07/2021 14:06

I would be mortified and embarrassed if you sent me money or an expensive gift. You have already thanked them. Don’t overthink it. It was as much for their DDs benefit as for your DD. Both children had a great time. Personally I hate it when people sent me flowers and gifts for stuff like this. They took your DD away for the weekend, you thanked them. It’s all good.

Bagamoyo1 · 30/07/2021 14:06

I’m absolutely not joking.

I’m extremely generous when it comes to taking my kids friends out for the day. I’ve done far more of it that any of the other parents. And I never ask for money, although depending on the activity I will accept offers of money if they’re made.
But taking a kid on holiday, with all the attendant expense, and nothing more that a “thank you”, is a bridge too far for me.

Bagamoyo1 · 30/07/2021 14:08

And honestly, if I was busting a gut to look after someone’s kid while they swanned around having a lovely carefree weekend, and they didn’t offer me anything in return, I’d think they were very rude.
You can shout me down all you like, but there are plenty of people who think like me, and therefore many of you will have been thought rude in the past.
It’s up to you whether or not that bothers you.

Weirdlynormal · 30/07/2021 14:09

@Bagamoyo1

I must be very out of touch because I would absolutely expect a contribution if I took someone’s kid on holiday. Food, drink, activities etc - all costs money. The bit I’m offering for free is the childcare. The rest I’d want them to cover the cost of. Of course I regularly take other people’s kids out for the day and pay for it all myself, but I would expect to be offered money at least. I’m astounded that people expect someone to take their kid on holiday, feed them, entertain them, drive them around, look after them, and receive nothing in return!
I think you are out of touch! It's like inviting someone to a party and then presenting them a bill... oh hang on, we do get that on here .

In my world I'd never expect the invitee to pay. If my child was invited I would offer as I realise not everyone can afford to pay for everything.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 14:13

@Bagamoyo1

And honestly, if I was busting a gut to look after someone’s kid while they swanned around having a lovely carefree weekend, and they didn’t offer me anything in return, I’d think they were very rude. You can shout me down all you like, but there are plenty of people who think like me, and therefore many of you will have been thought rude in the past. It’s up to you whether or not that bothers you.
thankfully none of my friends or people around me agree with you 🤷

It's not an invitation if you expect payment. At least I hope you made it clear from the beginning.

It's so grabby to expect something in return! A polite thank you, of course, but that's it.

Funnily enough, when I take kids friends with us, the parents didn't send us a cheque either. I can't stand tight people. No one is forcing you to take other kids with you, but if you do, make clear it's not really an invitation.

Nobloat21 · 30/07/2021 14:13

I think it would be different if they were paying for the accommodation, but this is their home, so no costs. I think £20 was fine fir a couple of days. I would just send a gift to say thanks for having her.

multivac · 30/07/2021 14:13

@Bagamoyo1

And honestly, if I was busting a gut to look after someone’s kid while they swanned around having a lovely carefree weekend, and they didn’t offer me anything in return, I’d think they were very rude. You can shout me down all you like, but there are plenty of people who think like me, and therefore many of you will have been thought rude in the past. It’s up to you whether or not that bothers you.
Then ask for the money when you extend the "invitation". Otherwise, guess what? You're the one being rude (and unreasonable).
BitterTits · 30/07/2021 14:14

I really don't think you've got anything to be mortified about. I don't have a holiday home in Cornwall but if I offered to take my DC's friends camping it would be because I knew my DCs would enjoy it more. I definitely wouldn't expect payment.

PegasusReturns · 30/07/2021 14:15

@Bagamoyo1

And honestly, if I was busting a gut to look after someone’s kid while they swanned around having a lovely carefree weekend, and they didn’t offer me anything in return, I’d think they were very rude

But you invited the person?! Presumably you invite the friend for the benefit of your own child ?!

I’m not sure you’re out of touch but you’re definitely unreasonable.

Dogoodfeelgood · 30/07/2021 14:16

I don’t why posters are mentioning you should have offered to pay them? They were taking your DD to their holiday home as their guest, it would be insane to offer to pay money for this and almost rude to do so. Send them a card and a nice gift, wine/hamper and just simply say time had gotten away on you but thanks so much for the lovely holiday for DD the other week. Simple :)

multivac · 30/07/2021 14:16

@MiddleParking

Half a case of good wine has really made me laugh Grin
I'd rather have a whole case of average wine, if anyone of that mindset is planning on lending me a child at any point.
LidoLady · 30/07/2021 14:16

The best course of action is to send a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a 'time has flown' thank you note.

Absolutely no need to offer or make a financial contribution, that would just be embarrassing and in bad form.

BitterTits · 30/07/2021 14:17

@Bagamoyo1

And honestly, if I was busting a gut to look after someone’s kid while they swanned around having a lovely carefree weekend, and they didn’t offer me anything in return, I’d think they were very rude. You can shout me down all you like, but there are plenty of people who think like me, and therefore many of you will have been thought rude in the past. It’s up to you whether or not that bothers you.
This is funny. My DD does have a friend whose mum presumes to book extravagant treats and then gets the arse if people aren't suitably overwhelmed with gratitude. Personally I don't have anything more to do with her as I think it's rude to make people feel beholden.
MarleneDietrichsSmile · 30/07/2021 14:20

Just invite the kid back over for a sleepover

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