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Original poster

In a pickle over lack of thank you & holiday contribution

258 replies

bettybottersbetterbutter · 30/07/2021 11:28

About a 6 weeks ago my DD was taken away for the weekend by a school friend and her family to their holiday home in Cornwall. She's obviously very lucky and we thanked the parents before and after but that was it and I'm now looking back and feeling totally mortified that we didn't offer or send DD with a proper contribution (ie more than the £20 pocket money she took) or send a note and gift to the parents afterwards thanking them.
I could list the reasons why these things didn't happen at the time but suffice to say it was more poor time management than significant life event so not relevant and totally not a valid excuse.

We don't know the parents bar the odd WhatsApp message but I do know their address so really poor on my behalf not to at least have sent a thank you.

How can I resolve this 6 weeks after the event without looking totally ridiculous or like someone has prompted me.

OP posts:
squirrelnutkins1 · 30/07/2021 13:07

Better late than never Smile

AryaStarkWolf · 30/07/2021 13:08

@caughtinanet

I’d send a champagne and flower bundle

OMG, peak Mumsnet, what even is a flower bundle?

Grin
pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 13:08

@Barwell76

I dont think you need to send anything. It was a weekend in their 2nd home so what would it has cost them? If they spent the weekend at the beach that would be free. If they did lots of expensive activities that would be different.
completely irrelevant.

A gesture to say "thank you" is simple manners in any case.

That said, it's only on MN that I discovered some posters expected parents to contribute financially when a kid was invited on holiday. It 's a weird as being invited to diner and offering some cash towards the meal.

But again, thank you should be a basic. 6 weeks is not 2 years, it's a tad late but it's fine!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Gillgardens · 30/07/2021 13:08

As my daughter the only girl I almost always asked a friend of hers to come on holiday with us. In this country never had a contribution, but when going abroad, all but one offered to pay the price of the plane ticket. Never had anything other than a verbal thank you though, so the champagne and flowers gift seem a bit strange to me (although of course it would have been lovely).

CatherineMorland · 30/07/2021 13:09

I wouldn’t expect or take money for taking DCs friends away, but the parent has always offered, and presented me with wine / chocolate as a thank you.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 13:10

OP already said thank you at the time. Where has “no thank you” come from?

a quick "thank you" at drop off when someone took your kids to the park is one thing, for an entire weekend, you can do a bit more! You would take something to someone inviting you for diner!

Bimblybomeyelash · 30/07/2021 13:10

Cases of champagne as a thank you? Some people really do live in another planet from me! I think a card and some flowers is sufficient! And I’m sure the offer of a sleepover or day out would be much appreciated.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 13:11

@Bimblybomeyelash

Cases of champagne as a thank you? Some people really do live in another planet from me! I think a card and some flowers is sufficient! And I’m sure the offer of a sleepover or day out would be much appreciated.
I am not sure people read properly that it was a WEEKEND and not an entire week (or month) Grin
1forAll74 · 30/07/2021 13:13

I don't think a delayed gift will be viewed as unusual, it will probably be seen as a nice thing to do, even after the event. You don't have to give any reasons for this. Giving money is sometimes difficult. so a thank you note, a small gift for the parents, and maybe a little gift to the schoolfriend is better, as in just appreciation to all involved.

Greenmarmalade · 30/07/2021 13:13

Please don’t feel bad!!

I’m sure they enjoyed your child’s company and they invited her as a guest. I’m also sure saying ‘thank you’ is sufficient and they knew you were appreciative.

Champagne is completely unnecessary!

zoeydollie · 30/07/2021 13:15

If it was me, I’d just text something like “hi Claire, Lily had a great time when you took her to Devon for the weekend, thanks again. We were wondering if Evie would like to come for a sleepover at ours next weekend?”
Then take the kids to the cinema or Pizza Express while she’s there.

ScrollingLeaves · 30/07/2021 13:17

“”Branleuse
You could send some money in a card and just say that things have been really tight but just wanted to send a contribution and a thankyou for what they did and that you feel really grateful“

It would be best not to mention money, to my mind. They will not have been thinking of this at all probably. If it had been for much longer than a weekend, and if dd is not a young child, then she could have taken them out or brought something. Also, I do not think it would be a good idea to say “things were a bit tight” as that would be very embarrassing for them, and you, unless possibly they were very old, intimate, friends who knew your circumstances well.

Just start afresh. Make sure DD makes and writes a nice card saying how much she enjoyed it and referring specifically to things she found special there. And you write a note of thanks too (with maybe a brief apology for being late but no details) and a special bunch of flowers.

AdelindSchade · 30/07/2021 13:17

I would not offer to take a child away and then be all 'now pay me a hundred pounds'. That would be very strange. A parent once gave me 50 and said go out for a meal on them but I wasn't expecting it and felt a bit embarrassed.

I agree that some flowers or a bottle of wine and 'I meant to do this at the time' is appropriate.

Paddling654 · 30/07/2021 13:22

bluntness

I think you should stay away from the social etiquette threads unless this is intentionally funny in which case don't stop!

Paddling654 · 30/07/2021 13:25

I would give flowers and apologise you didn't do so earlier as you'd intended.

If you give more now, they may not feel comfortable inviting your DD with them again.

Some posters are responding as if the child was included in a trip to Tenerife and did lots of outings to theme parks. This sounds more like home from home pottering about in rockpools. I'm guessing. Too much recompense will be received as odd.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 30/07/2021 13:25

If we invite another child on holiday with us, we expect to pay for everything. Frankly I am so grateful to have the company for DD. Wouldn't cross my mind that parents should send expensive gifts or pay anything.

Bagamoyo1 · 30/07/2021 13:35

I must be very out of touch because I would absolutely expect a contribution if I took someone’s kid on holiday. Food, drink, activities etc - all costs money. The bit I’m offering for free is the childcare. The rest I’d want them to cover the cost of.
Of course I regularly take other people’s kids out for the day and pay for it all myself, but I would expect to be offered money at least.
I’m astounded that people expect someone to take their kid on holiday, feed them, entertain them, drive them around, look after them, and receive nothing in return!

ShortBacknSides · 30/07/2021 13:36

You could send some money in a card and just say that things have been really tight but just wanted to send a contribution and a thankyou for what they did and that you feel really grateful

Oh OP PLEASE don't do this! Sending money is naff. Particularly if it's a family who own a holiday home, or who go to one regularly. They were probably happy to have company for the DC and so some of the burden of entertaining children taken from them.

Send a gift, wine, flowers or whatever and a card, but not money. I'd be mortified if I received money after hosting someone else's child for a holiday to which we had invited her!

FAQs · 30/07/2021 13:39

I took my daughters friend away for the weekend a couple of weeks ago and didn’t ask or expect any money! I’d offered. If it was for a week or more I might have asked but not for a weekend.

FAQs · 30/07/2021 13:40

Predicted text! If they had offered, a week or more maybe but not for a weekend.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 13:40

@Bagamoyo1

I must be very out of touch because I would absolutely expect a contribution if I took someone’s kid on holiday. Food, drink, activities etc - all costs money. The bit I’m offering for free is the childcare. The rest I’d want them to cover the cost of. Of course I regularly take other people’s kids out for the day and pay for it all myself, but I would expect to be offered money at least. I’m astounded that people expect someone to take their kid on holiday, feed them, entertain them, drive them around, look after them, and receive nothing in return!
are you being sarcastic? Confused

it's not a business, if you have friends around for the weekend/ a week, you don't send them a bill do you? Normal friends would do a gesture to say thank you but they don't pay for their stay.

If you are serious, you really need to tell the parents when you offer to take the children with you, don't call it an invitation, and be clear on the amount you expect.

When most people INVITE someone, they don't expect a financial contribution, even if it's for a diner, a bbq, a wedding, or a holiday.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/07/2021 13:40

@Bagamoyo1

I must be very out of touch because I would absolutely expect a contribution if I took someone’s kid on holiday. Food, drink, activities etc - all costs money. The bit I’m offering for free is the childcare. The rest I’d want them to cover the cost of. Of course I regularly take other people’s kids out for the day and pay for it all myself, but I would expect to be offered money at least. I’m astounded that people expect someone to take their kid on holiday, feed them, entertain them, drive them around, look after them, and receive nothing in return!
So would you invite and then wait for them to offer money or would you invite and tell them you'll take them for £200? If you expect money, ypu need to be upfront
ScrollingLeaves · 30/07/2021 13:41

“Bagamoyo1
I’m astounded that people expect someone to take their kid on holiday, feed them, entertain them, drive them around, look after them, and receive nothing in return!“

Did you see that it was just a weekend, and to their own holiday home?

This means the family are unlikely to have had extra expenses because of DD’s friend. It would have been like inviting F for an outing.

It would be nice to invite the F back for something though.

Anjo2011 · 30/07/2021 13:41

It’s very , but as you said there’s reason why. It’s better to do something late than not at all. Perhaps send a voucher for a supermarket or a voucher for a family day out for their family. It’s never too late.

multivac · 30/07/2021 13:42

@Bluntness100

What’s wrong with people saying they had no costs. What do they think the kids sat in and starved for the long weekend, I’m fairly sure they ate, drank and did activities. Confused

Op just send a thank you card and half a case of good wine. It’s one thing for folks not to want a d decline a contribution, it’s another not to offer and expect it for free. I think that’s what some posters are missing.

Don't worry, OP, normal people do not send 'half a case of good wine' (WTF?) when someone invites their kid along for a weekend, to keep their own kid company.

I would never put the parents of one of our boys' friends in such a position where they felt obliged to fork out money they might not have, for a treat they didn't suggest for their child, or to refuse the treat.

That's not how I treat people - nor how I would expect to be treated.

A simple 'thank you' is ABSOLUTELY fine. And I always respond, 'thank you for lending us your kid :)'