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Original poster

DD wants to move in with her Dad. Very sad.

257 replies

Worried234 · 21/07/2021 13:03

Hi.

My DD is 12 and splits her time 50/50 with me and XH. We have tow other children who live with me full time, and go to XH at the weekends. The 50/50 was DDs choice and we started it in October.
Last night XH contacted me to say that DD wants to live with him full time.
I really don't want her to
I'm heartbroken. She is 12.
Has anyone any suggestions? I'd never drag it through court.
Her brothers are 15 and 8.
All children are XHs.

OP posts:
Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 21/07/2021 13:03

Have you spoken to your DD about it?

Leavesofautumn · 21/07/2021 13:05

Is your XH telling the truth?

Original poster
Worried234 · 21/07/2021 13:09

I haven't spoken to her yet today.

It's not the first time she's mentioned it, to me and to XH. She's been upset about talking to me about it because she doesn't want me to be sad, apparently.

It's only 10 minutes away, and she'll be here a night a week or so, she says. But I don't want her to go Sad

OP posts:

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MichelleScarn · 21/07/2021 13:09

Have you asked her? How is her relationship with her brothers?

HollowTalk · 21/07/2021 13:10

Is she sorry for her dad because he lives alone?

mynameisbrian · 21/07/2021 13:11

Why do you think she wants to stay at her dads ? He is an emotionally abusive man who has manipulated her into doing this? I ask as it’s unusual and given her older brothers don’t see him it makes me think he isn’t very nice

FVFrog · 21/07/2021 13:12

Oh gosh, I totally understand how you feel. It may well not be for ever though. She may just want more space from her other siblings? Is there more room with her Dad? I too am divorced (although my DCs are much older) and I too would feel like you do. Flowers

Original poster
Worried234 · 21/07/2021 13:12

He doesn't live alone. He lives with his partner and her 10 year old son.

OP posts:
mynameisbrian · 21/07/2021 13:12

Oops just re read and can see the older kids do go at the weekend. I think your going to have to give her a hug and let her explain her reasons

Original poster
Worried234 · 21/07/2021 13:13

Her brothers do see him, every weekend. He's not abusive.
Not more room there, I have a slightly larger house, if anything. Her and her older brother clash a bit, usual stuff though. Her and her younger brother get on great.

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 21/07/2021 13:14

In terms of 'spoiling', what material advantages are there at df's? Better WiFi? Netflix? More freedom? Does she need more or less boundaries than you give (no dig just a genuine question)?

Gunpowder · 21/07/2021 13:16

I think if this was my DD and in general
The relationship was good/neutral, I would say (in a matter of fact/cheerful way: ‘sorry darling. Obviously we both want you to live with us but I’m afraid you are stuck with me for at least half the time until you are 18, and really I want you even more than 50 % of the time. I know it’s annoying but I’d just miss you too much’

I think it’s really important she knows you love her, maybe the asking to be with her dad 50% of the time was a test, maybe she thinks you love her brothers more so she’s throwing all her eggs in with her Dad? Maybe she’s being loyal to him and is worried he’s lonely?

mug2018 · 21/07/2021 13:18

I'd give her hug, talk to her about why she wants to go & support her decision. But tell her that her home will always be with you & she can come home anytime
I think she needs to make her own choice & go from there .... she'll be back before you know it.

alexdgr8 · 21/07/2021 13:19

if she really wants to do that, and he is ok with it, and it's only 10 mins away, and you'll see her during the week, i think you ought to let her do it.
it's nice that she is aware of your feelings, and not wanting to upset you, but really her feelings and wishes as a child ought to come first.
don't you think so.
try to accept it in good grace, and make effort not to show her any negative emotions you may naturally have.
children have such a lot of pressure on them nowadays; when she is older she will appreciate that you did not stand in her way, even by looking sad.
all the best.

MargotEmin · 21/07/2021 13:20

Are you and Dad on good enough terms that you can both get together with her and come up with an arrangement that works? At 12 her wishes abd feelings obviously carry a lot of weight, but you're the parents at the end of the day and should be shouldering the bulk of decision making between you. Best of luck whatever the outcome Flowers

onceivepostedidontcomeback · 21/07/2021 13:22

If that's what she wants and she's old enough to make her own decisions yeah, I'd let her go.

Kinsters · 21/07/2021 13:24

I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Do you have any idea why she wants to do this?

TheMoth · 21/07/2021 13:25

Might she feel that her stepbrother is getting more of his attention? It would kill me, but maybe let her try it and see that living with someone every day is a bit different.

Bookaholic73 · 21/07/2021 13:29

This sounds heartbreaking for you. But at 12, she is old enough to make her decision.

I was surprised to see others suggesting he has manipulated her into it, or that it’s to do with being spoilt or having more room at her dads.

Maybe they are just really close and she wants to see what it would be like to live with him?

She may try it, and change her mind, or she may love it and stay there.
But you can’t tell her she can’t go, she is old enough to choose.

Ozanj · 21/07/2021 13:29

I agree with an OP and tell her she’s stuck with you until she’s 18. A 12 yo should not be encouraged to change formal custody arrangements like this. Get to the root of the problem and try to fix it - if she clashes with her older brother then try to understand why and mitigate it otherwise all you will be doing is teaching her to run from her problems.

dreamingbohemian · 21/07/2021 13:30

Speak to her first and see what she says.

Is it possible she doesn't like the constant back and forth? That she wants to just have one main house where she can be most of the time?

I would not settle for just one night a week with her, I would compromise by saying she has to stay with you at least two nights a week (same as Ex gets with her brothers).

GoWalkabout · 21/07/2021 13:30

As long as she is not trying to 'look after' Dads needs, I would look at how you can find an arrangement that meets whatever needs she is feeling, while maintaining an excellent and close relationship with yourself. Maybe she wants one base, maybe its nearer friends, maybe she wants space from sibling - whatever it is it will help her to be listened to, even if you don't just go with it without more thought. I would suggest its ok to trial something, and it can be changed.

Roselilly36 · 21/07/2021 13:31

Really difficult one, I can see why you are upset Flowers

Do you generally get on well with your DD? I appreciate mums and teen daughters can sometimes have difficulties!

What is the reason why wants to live with her dad? You need honest answers to these questions first.

Assuming DD has thought it through sensibly if I was in your shoes I would let her live with her Dad, as if you don’t, it will be a battleground till she is 18, and could cause rift. I would imagine, if she goes to live with her dad, the novelty will soon wear off.

Good luck.

AnotherDayAnotherCake · 21/07/2021 13:33

@onceivepostedidontcomeback

If that's what she wants and she's old enough to make her own decisions yeah, I'd let her go.
Same, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be heartbroken though.
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 21/07/2021 13:34

Tbh I’d let her do it for a while and see how it works out. Whatever her reasons, if she thinks that’s where she’d rather spend more of her time then she should be able to - I know it will be hard not to see her as much, but she’ll probably miss you too and end up gravitating back towards 50/50 anyway!

Is she a “daddy’s girl”? I hate that phrase but I know a lot of kids gravitate more towards one parent or the other and my DPs two DDs have ended up with him 100% of the time as they just prefer being at his house and they aren’t that close to their mum. However she still pops round to see them every day as she lives in the next street. Could you maybe arrange something like that? Where DD comes round for dinner one evening and then back to her dads etc so you still get to see her even if her ‘base’ is at his house?

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