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Original poster

DD wants to move in with her Dad. Very sad.

257 replies

Worried234 · 21/07/2021 13:03

Hi.

My DD is 12 and splits her time 50/50 with me and XH. We have tow other children who live with me full time, and go to XH at the weekends. The 50/50 was DDs choice and we started it in October.
Last night XH contacted me to say that DD wants to live with him full time.
I really don't want her to
I'm heartbroken. She is 12.
Has anyone any suggestions? I'd never drag it through court.
Her brothers are 15 and 8.
All children are XHs.

OP posts:
MrsMiddleMother · 21/07/2021 13:52

At 12 of course she's old enough to decide who she wants to live with full time. Support her and allow it, since there's no abuse etc there's no reason not to. One of my stepdaughters came to live with us full time 2 years ago aged 9, completely her choice, despite us being the 'stricter' household and its been the best decision for everyone. But obviously you need to talk

Googlewasmyidea1 · 21/07/2021 13:54

Lol at moving out, she isn't bloody moving out she's just spending more time at her other parents

StarintheMorning · 21/07/2021 13:54

If she really wants to move I think her wishes have to be taken into account. Could she stay with you at weekends, when her brothers go to their Dad? That way you would get to spend time together, just the two of you.

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Mixmeup · 21/07/2021 13:55

No way would I allow this.

alloverthecarpetagain · 21/07/2021 13:57

Let her go, but make sure she knows she can come back any time she wants. She maybe needs to do this to see if is what she wants and otherwise it might be an ongoing issue between you.

TheCrowening · 21/07/2021 13:57

Have you considered child inclusive mediation to come to an arrangement that works for you all?

ChrissyPlummer · 21/07/2021 13:59

@Mixmeup

No way would I allow this.
Why? What gives you the say over the other child’s equal parent?
AlternativePerspective · 21/07/2021 14:00

Interesting isn’t it that when a poster posts here that their child wants to live with them/doesn’t want to go to their dad’s any more they are told that the child’s opinions and feelings are important here. But when a child wants to live with their father they should be told that they don’t have a choice and aren’t old enough to make the decision.

So which is it then? Because you can’t have it both ways.

Nobody is saying that the OP and anyone else wouldn’t be heartbroken if their children decided they wanted to live with their other parent, but let’s be honest, doesn’t this also work the other way around? Abusive parents aside, I have no doubt that decent fathers are equally heartbroken when it transpires their children want to spend more time living elsewhere than with them.

OP I would talk to her. At the end of the day, both your homes are her homes, so it’s more a case of her staying at her dad’s more, it’s not as if she is cutting contact with you altogether.

Maggiesfarm · 21/07/2021 14:00

@endofthelinefinally

How about she stays for a couple of weeks and see how it goes? Treat it like a bit of a holiday break. She may find she misses you.
I agree with that.
MegBusset · 21/07/2021 14:00

Echo those who say she has a right to choose and how is it any different to the other DC living with you full time?

I would suggest a trial period of eg three months where like a PP has suggested, she does the reverse of her brothers. With no pressure on her to feel like she's picking sides and making it clear she can come back or choose to stay without any of this "I'll miss you too much" nonsense. (Of course I know you'll miss her. It's one of the sad facts of divorced parents however residency is split.)

Flowers for you though OP, I do understand it won't be easy.

PaleBlueMoonlight · 21/07/2021 14:01

Around 13 is the peak of when children think that they know everything. However, they don't and rapidly realise that as they grow up through their teens. Of course a 12 year old should be listened to, but what they are asking for may not be what they need. There are huge advantages to her in spending quality time with both parents and so you really need to get to the bottom of what she is feeling and why. Only then can you problem solve and if adjustments need to be made to the living arrangements, you can work this out with her best interests at heart - which is not the same as just letting her do what she wants.

Bookaholic73 · 21/07/2021 14:02

@AlternativePerspective

Interesting isn’t it that when a poster posts here that their child wants to live with them/doesn’t want to go to their dad’s any more they are told that the child’s opinions and feelings are important here. But when a child wants to live with their father they should be told that they don’t have a choice and aren’t old enough to make the decision.

So which is it then? Because you can’t have it both ways.

Nobody is saying that the OP and anyone else wouldn’t be heartbroken if their children decided they wanted to live with their other parent, but let’s be honest, doesn’t this also work the other way around? Abusive parents aside, I have no doubt that decent fathers are equally heartbroken when it transpires their children want to spend more time living elsewhere than with them.

OP I would talk to her. At the end of the day, both your homes are her homes, so it’s more a case of her staying at her dad’s more, it’s not as if she is cutting contact with you altogether.

Exactly this.

A child’s ‘right’ to choose doesn’t change according to whether you agree with the decision they are making.

Batsy · 21/07/2021 14:02

at 12, she's legally old enough for residency agreements in divorce to take her wishes into account.

my cousin is currently considering taking his ex back to court as their 13yo has made it clear she wants to live with him and his wife full time as her relationship with her mother has broken down, her mother is refusing to allow it, and all she is doing, is further damaging her relationship with her daughter, almost irretrievably at this point, its heartbreaking to watch.

You need to talk it through with your DD and find out her reasons.

tcjotm · 21/07/2021 14:03

@ChrissyPlummer

Going against the (general) grain….she has just as much right to live with her dad if that’s what she wants. OP may be upset but maybe that’s how dad feels too? Children don’t ‘belong’ to their mothers any more than their fathers. I know of a few blokes I’ve worked with whose children came to live with them as soon as they were old enough to make the decision for themselves.
This.

i never had a choice and it was really hard. If she’ll be so close she can still see you a lot. But maybe she just feels the need to have her main home with him for now. He’s just as much her parent as you are. It might change again in the future and being ok about it now much make things easier in a future years when she wants to come back full time to you.

Comedycook · 21/07/2021 14:03

I can see why you're upset. I would be too. Honestly, I'd be inclined to let her do this...I bet it won't last long. She's just flexing her muscles in my opinion. She probably has no idea how much she'll miss you.

Bookaholic73 · 21/07/2021 14:04

I like the idea of a trial. It’s just coming up to the summer holidays, can she stay with her dad for the holidays and into September (so she/dad have an idea of school routines etc)?

Bluntness100 · 21/07/2021 14:05

Op, nothing has to be forever. Make it clear she can come back any time she wishes, give her a hug and let her give it a shot.

Pebbledashery · 21/07/2021 14:05

I definitely agree with a trial on the summer holidays.. Could be a good starting point.

godmum56 · 21/07/2021 14:05

all these folk who say "I wouldn't allow that" How will you stop it?

LillianGish · 21/07/2021 14:06

I just think 50/50 is so rubbish for kids - I can understand the thinking behind it making it "fair" for parents, but ping ponging back and forth between two houses is surely noone's idea of feeling settled. What's great in your situation is that you and your ex live close to one another so your DD can easily be based at one house, but still pop round to the other whenever she wants. Who knows - after living with her dad for a bit she might decide she'd prefer to live with you. Even if she doesn't she's still close enough to come round for dinner, after school whatever and then go back to her dad's to sleep. I can see why you feel sad, but this is not about you it's about her. As long as its truly what she wants and she's not being pressured or feeling obligated I'd go along with it. It may just be an age thing - she'd rather share a house with a ten year old and be the eldest than be the baby sister sharing with two teenage brothers. If it were me, I'd make sure she always has a lovely room to stay at in your house, continue to be available so she knows she can drop by whenever she likes - like leaving the birdcage door open for your fledgling to fly, safe in the comfort she can always fly back in.

rishisboater · 21/07/2021 14:09

We had this (although it was me she wanted to live with) I think when they get to teens it becomes less appealing to split between two houses as much as 50% of the time. They often like a base.

Would you be able to accommodate her if she had chosen yours? Perhaps she wants to stay at one house more often and feels that her dad would be best to accommodate that? Are her friends nearer to his? Does he live near a big town/ bus routes etc.? All these things affected my DD's decision to stay here.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My DD's dad was heartbroken and I can't imagine how I'd have felt if the show was on the other foot

bendmeoverbackwards · 21/07/2021 14:11

@ChrissyPlummer

Going against the (general) grain….she has just as much right to live with her dad if that’s what she wants. OP may be upset but maybe that’s how dad feels too? Children don’t ‘belong’ to their mothers any more than their fathers. I know of a few blokes I’ve worked with whose children came to live with them as soon as they were old enough to make the decision for themselves.
I was going to say similar @ChrissyPlummer I’m always surprised that there is so much push for equal parenting but when it comes to custody, children generally go with the mother.
Paddling654 · 21/07/2021 14:13

I wouldn't. Girls need their mothers in ways they don't necessarily know they will. My girls will be parented at least half the time by me until they're ready to fly. That's it.

Sweetbabyrays · 21/07/2021 14:13

Let her up her time there. I was always desperate to live with Dad, we just got on better, house was more relaxed and I felt happier there, no huge reason. Mum would never let me, quite honestly I’ve no idea why, but I hated her for it! Dad unexpectedly died when I was 16 so it makes me even more angry with her.

SlothinSpirit · 21/07/2021 14:14

I think you need to have a chat with her and let her know that you respect her wishes but ultimately have to do what you think is best for her.

I wouldn't start any new arrangement in the holidays (it will give her a false idea of what full-time life at her dad's will be like). If she wants to do this, maybe agree to start the new routine in September so she can settle down easily into school/homework etc. without holiday disruptions. She may be happier over the summer if she knows she's going to get a chance to try out what she thinks she wants come September.

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