DD wants to move in with her Dad. Very sad.

[Worried234]

Hi.

My DD is 12 and splits her time 50/50 with me and XH. We have tow other children who live with me full time, and go to XH at the weekends. The 50/50 was DDs choice and we started it in October.
Last night XH contacted me to say that DD wants to live with him full time.
I really don't want her to
I'm heartbroken. She is 12.
Has anyone any suggestions? I'd never drag it through court.
Her brothers are 15 and 8.
All children are XHs.

Can you find out why she wants to live at her dads?

Surely you want the best for your child, and if that’s having even more people around her who could support and care for her, that’s no bad thing?

Well the reality is that unless you're in Utah it will be one person at a time in that role.

Let her do it whatever her reasons and smile while you're at it. Tell her you'll miss not seeing her quite so much. Keep communications wide open, let her have her friends round as usual etc. She may change her mind in a few weeks time and make that ok too. 12 is a such a tender age.

Look, what you daughter wants is control to do as she pleases and to feel she can live wherever she likes. You absolutely have to keep her room at your house just for her. Tell your son to feck off he's not getting her room.

A month at yours then a month at DHs?? That must be shit hard to cope with. Can you imagine uprooting yourself and moving house for a month? I'd say your DD is sick to having to live to a deadline every four weeks. It must loom over her.

Kids get used to changing during the week, but after a month you get bedded in. The Upheaval and Separation are much more impactful if it's going to be a whole month in a different bedroom in a different house.
Also don't all get together and call her in for a group chat without her knowing about it.
I would as the other person says, just smile and say
'whatever you like love. I'd miss you living here but of course you have two houses now it's up to you. Where you live won't affect my love for you. I will love you the same no matter which house you live in'. What might be useful is this idea of 'parts of me'.
For example you might say 'a part of me desperately wants you to stay living here, but another part of me also understands that it's very tough having to move house like that each month. So I'm happy for you to do what you'd like to do. You will always have a room here so you can change your mind as much as you wish'.
Stay away from talk of 'permanency'. This may well not be permanent at all so keep it light and flexible. This is not a personal rejection of you (even though I know it feels like it).
If your DD gets a sniff of hurt feelings she'll definitely be taking steps to avoid contact with that.

Try week at theirs week at yours for a month or two and see if shes happy with that instead

OP, your post struck a chord with me as I did as your DD did. I had an older brother and a younger one, and my feeling were largely driven by my disruptive older brother. How is her relationship with her brothers?

How did things work out @Worried234 ?