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Original poster

DD wants to move in with her Dad. Very sad.

257 replies

Worried234 · 21/07/2021 13:03

Hi.

My DD is 12 and splits her time 50/50 with me and XH. We have tow other children who live with me full time, and go to XH at the weekends. The 50/50 was DDs choice and we started it in October.
Last night XH contacted me to say that DD wants to live with him full time.
I really don't want her to
I'm heartbroken. She is 12.
Has anyone any suggestions? I'd never drag it through court.
Her brothers are 15 and 8.
All children are XHs.

OP posts:
VienneseWhirligig · 21/07/2021 14:15

I'd let her trial it. I swapped between living with my grandmother and my parents from 12 or so, a few months here, a few months there, then moved in with my grandmother completely during GCSE year. No drama, just preferred the quieter home environment (no annoying younger sister), being treated like a grown up, better transport links. It just worked for me. My parents were probably gutted but let me have my choice, they visited me at weekends or came round during the week.

warmfluffytowels · 21/07/2021 14:16

@Londono

I wouldn't let her go to his ft to be honest.
It's not up to you.
TonTonMacoute · 21/07/2021 14:16

If you are sure that this is what she wants, and the no pressure is being put on her, then you need to let her try it.

No one is saying it will be forever and she can always change her mind and come back.

It may well be a case of the grass looking greener on the other side of the fence.

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Pomalade · 21/07/2021 14:17

I'd talk to her to discuss it, explain you just want her to be happy etc, if she ever wants to spend more time at yours she only has to ask, it's always her home regardless etc. I made the same decision at about 12/13 and my mum guilting me, trying to not allow it as other PP have suggested, completed ruined our relationship. Nothing is forever, she might change her mind a couple of days, weeks or months in, there might be times when she wants to come back to yours for a lot longer, don't burn the bridge by trying to stop it

21Bee · 21/07/2021 14:18

She will grow to resent you as she gets older if you just tell her no, I can’t believe people are encouraging you to say flat out no. My relationship with my mother is still strained as a result of her behaviour during my parents divorce when I said I wanted to live with my father.

bendmeoverbackwards · 21/07/2021 14:22

@21Bee

She will grow to resent you as she gets older if you just tell her no, I can’t believe people are encouraging you to say flat out no. My relationship with my mother is still strained as a result of her behaviour during my parents divorce when I said I wanted to live with my father.
Yes to this. And the paradox is that you probably would have had a much better relationship with your mother had she listened to you more.
Bibidy · 21/07/2021 14:22

I think you need to let her go for a while and see how it goes.

I appreciate how upsetting it is for you but you will still see her.

Would she maybe do every weekend/every other weekend with you instead of one day a week?

zoemum2006 · 21/07/2021 14:24

You need to have a chat with her. Try not to take it personally. It might be that she finds dividing her time between two houses quite challenging (DD has told me her friends often complain about the stress of books/ homework being at the other parents house).

If she’s just finished year 7 it’s probably been really tough for her juggling all her new responsibilities. She might just need more co-ordinated help from you and her dad?

SeaShoreGalore · 21/07/2021 14:25

I think if you make a big deal of this it will make it really hard for her to change her mind in future if she wants to. Given it’s currently the summer holidays I might suggest that she try’s the new arrangement until the end of summer, and then reassess then.

For all those decrying 50/50 parenting, I just want to say that in some cases it can work really well, and be far better than any of the alternatives.

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 21/07/2021 14:25

If you and the father are on good terms, and all is fine.

I'd sit down as a trio and discuss it. Clearly explain that she is always welcome home and you love her very much, and aslo that living full time with dad still means she'd come to you on weekends or something.

Perhaps just a chat all together will get to the route of it all. She's clearly a emotionally intelligent child because she "doesn't want to upset you.

At the end of the day she has two living parents who have equal right to her and responsibility for her. She is maturing now at 12 and before you know it will be a young woman. Build bridges with her.

Amandasummers · 21/07/2021 14:25

Op, I feel for you I really do, I have 50/50 with my older kids (court ordered) and that’s hard enough....but I’ve been your daughter too. When I was 12/13 I moved into my dads instead of my mums for no other reason other than my dad would let me do stuff that my mum wouldn’t. I regret it so much, even now in my mid 30s, I hate what I did, I hate what that must have done to my mum, and if I could go back I would change it. I don’t have any advice, it’s just sometimes I think we forget that the children can be fickle and make decisions without really understanding the full impact. Maybe try to really get to the bottom of her reasons, and if you can compromise then you have more of a chance than what I gave my mum 😔

redroses86 · 21/07/2021 14:28

I think sometimes we underestimate how children can find swapping between houses quite difficult. Maybe she just wants to stay in one home for the majority of her time? It’s probably not personal, just that wants one house rather than two.
We forget that we have our bed/wardrobe/shoes/slippers/stuff in exactly the same place each day. It can be annoying and stressful to move 50% of the time. Even if we think it’s fine, young people get annoyed with the faff. I hear lots of teenagers get annoyed that they left something at Dads, or can’t do this because I’m at Mum’s. One cried because she’d forgotten her PJs to take to her Dad’s last week. It was no big deal, she was just pissed off with it all.
I know that splits and custody isn’t easy and there’s no perfect solution. But maybe let her experience living in one home, with one base for a while.

jasminoide · 21/07/2021 14:29

It's heartbreaking OP but try not to make this about you. She's going to be 10 minutes away, not moving across the globe. I would talk to her about her reasoning and make it very clear that your house is her house and she is welcome anytime.
Do you have a partner OP?

YeokensYegg · 21/07/2021 14:30

Let her go for a trial and see how it goes.

My DS went to live with his dad around that age. It broke my heart but it was the right thing to do.
His father died when he barely was 18 so I'm thankful they had that extra time together.

diddl · 21/07/2021 14:40

@Paddling654

I wouldn't. Girls need their mothers in ways they don't necessarily know they will. My girls will be parented at least half the time by me until they're ready to fly. That's it.
But her mother will only be 10mins away or on the end of a phone!
godmum56 · 21/07/2021 14:41

@Paddling654

I wouldn't. Girls need their mothers in ways they don't necessarily know they will. My girls will be parented at least half the time by me until they're ready to fly. That's it.
and again, all things being equal how will you stop it?
SomeNameorOther · 21/07/2021 14:42

Can her big bro have a 'fatherly' chat with her and get to the bottom of it?

Tubs11 · 21/07/2021 14:45

Have you asked her why she wants to live there full-time? Only when you know the real reason will you be able to take the right course of action

StrongArm · 21/07/2021 14:48

i don't think it's a question of allowing it. As someone else said, if it went to court, the court would listen to her preferences given her age (we were told over 11). I agree with a trial to see how she gets on. It is heartbreaking but unfortunately, this is always a risk in a divorce.

Embracelife · 21/07/2021 14:56

You will still see her.
Support her and just insist she spends time with you EOW and one evening a week
Means dad will have to sort out more stuff

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/07/2021 14:56

Another vote for trialling it, maybe for 3 months. Make it easy for her to change her mind without any loss of face.

50:50 is crap. I understand that she chose that option, but she probably didn't realise how disruptive it would be. I don't blame her for looking for better options.

RadandMad · 21/07/2021 15:02

I don't think she is old enough to make this decision. The thing is, if she's allowed to do it, she may deeply regret it later in life. You're old enough to have that perspective, she isn't. I'd stick with 50/50, and I think she'll thank you for it one day.

RadandMad · 21/07/2021 15:03

@Amandasummers

Op, I feel for you I really do, I have 50/50 with my older kids (court ordered) and that’s hard enough....but I’ve been your daughter too. When I was 12/13 I moved into my dads instead of my mums for no other reason other than my dad would let me do stuff that my mum wouldn’t. I regret it so much, even now in my mid 30s, I hate what I did, I hate what that must have done to my mum, and if I could go back I would change it. I don’t have any advice, it’s just sometimes I think we forget that the children can be fickle and make decisions without really understanding the full impact. Maybe try to really get to the bottom of her reasons, and if you can compromise then you have more of a chance than what I gave my mum 😔
I see @Amandasummers said it much better than I can!
toocold54 · 21/07/2021 15:07

It’s quite shocking to read how many people wouldn’t let her go! Some people are very quick to put their own feelings before their child’s and some are bordering on quite controlling/manipulative behaviour!

The DD is 12 and already goes to her dads 50% of the time which is 10mins away.

OP she will be 10mins always and you’ll still see her and chances are she’ll move back. But if you don’t let her go then you’re going to ruin your relationship with her.

VimFuego101 · 21/07/2021 15:08

DSD chose to live with her mother at a similar age. It was heartbreaking, you have my sympathy. I didn't feel she was really old enough to fully understand the decision she was making (and proved to be right), but not sure we would have had any legal standing even if DH felt he could cope with fighting it. On the plus side, she did realise pretty quickly that her mum's house wasn't so much fun when she lived there full time, had to do chores and had set bedtimes and homework.