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Original poster

DD wants to move in with her Dad. Very sad.

257 replies

Worried234 · 21/07/2021 13:03

Hi.

My DD is 12 and splits her time 50/50 with me and XH. We have tow other children who live with me full time, and go to XH at the weekends. The 50/50 was DDs choice and we started it in October.
Last night XH contacted me to say that DD wants to live with him full time.
I really don't want her to
I'm heartbroken. She is 12.
Has anyone any suggestions? I'd never drag it through court.
Her brothers are 15 and 8.
All children are XHs.

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 21/07/2021 15:09

Actually now is a perfect opportunity for a trial run. 3 weeks with df and 3 with you... Bet she reconsiders... And not to be awful but bet her df does also. Young girls are bloody hard work!!

Slashtrophe · 21/07/2021 15:09

My youngest DS (13) has recently said he just wants to live at mine and just visit his dad but not stay there. His reasons were: his dad's house is messy (I'd say squalid), everything is cheap and dirty etc and he's embarrassed to invite friends over and never would. He wouldn't dare tell his dad that though. So I think you really need to do some probing...

eeyore228 · 21/07/2021 15:16

I wonder if those saying sorry you're stuck here would say the same if OP’s DD lived with XH and wanted DM instead. I would listen to her OP and see why. My DB asked to live with DF and my mother literally ripped him away and he has never forgiven her. If the moving back and forth I would understand but there's no indication. Sit and listen and maybe at some point include her dad so you can have a proper discussion.

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DeathByWalkies · 21/07/2021 15:17

I did this at about the same age. I was just more of a daddy's girl. It worked out fine.

Lobelia123 · 21/07/2021 15:18

I think you have to respect that you are not the higher power in all this. You are one of two parents. Your ex seems to be involved with his children and he has an equal right to them - the same right that you have. Your daughter has an equal right to a relationship / life with her father, as she has to and with you. If she has asked for this, I think you have to respect that and at least give it a go. If t doesnt work, then you are always there and can return to the way things were/ Of course youll be sad and it will be hard.....but just as hard as what your ex perhaps goes through at the moment. Its about the family unit, which is still a unit even though you are no longer romantically together.

Billandben444 · 21/07/2021 15:18

I'd want to get to the bottom of why she wants to move in with him - agree it's hurtful but she didn't intend it to be. How does her dad's partner fit in with it all - is she prepared to get involved in the co-parenting or does DD feel it will be free and easy there re chores and boundaries. I'd tell her that you're not against it in principle (lie through gritted teeth) and perhaps a trial run for 3 weeks is a good idea for all parties. Is her dad prepared to take on the uniform/homework/PE kit responsibilities? How will contributing for her keep work? Lots to talk about but, if you can keep an open conversation going, all might not be lost. Good luck! X

therocinante · 21/07/2021 15:20

I wanted to live with my dad full-time at 13. No issue with my mum, just got on with my dad better and didn't see why it was automatic that she got us most of the time and dad only some of the time. My mum said no and I resented her for a long time.

Looking back now, I might have had a nightmare at my dad's - he's emotionally present and supportive, but not particularly organised or domestic or any of the things my mum was consistently behind the scenes that kept my life running how I was used to.

But I wanted the choice and I was old enough to know what I wanted. At 16 I moved in with my paternal grandparents just to spite her for a year and only moved out when one of them died and the other went into care. Our relationship didn't recover for a long time - she felt hurt and surprised, I wanted her to realise I had agency and should be allowed to choose where I felt comfortable. Ironically, if she'd let me move to my dad's I'd probably have been home in 3 months - and if I hadn't, that was because I was happiest to live there.

You must be gutted, OP, but let her try it.

PaleBlueMoonlight · 21/07/2021 15:21

Children are not mini-adults. She has the maturity of a twelve year old. It is a parent's responsibility to put age/child appropriate boundaries in place - and it might be that that the most appropriate boundary for her is just to say "no" (though it doesn't sound like it from what you have said). It is about what is in the best interests of the child and that may or may not be living full time with her dad. It is certainly not in her best interests just to say yes without probing further. Listening to what she says she wants is just the start of working out what is best to do.

Bypassed21 · 21/07/2021 15:22

Its an absolutely horrible situation to be in @Worried234. I know - I've been there. Both my kids recently opted to spend more time at their Dads after having a 50/50 arrangement. I'll PM'd you. Flowers

AliceMcK · 21/07/2021 15:23

I think you just need to talk to her. Explain that you love her and don’t want her to go but will respect her reasons when she tells you them…

It may be that she just wants to live with her Daddy for no other reason than that’s who he is. I know that given a choice my 2nd DD would choose to live with her Dad if we were to split up. She’s always been about her Daddy, she tells me all the time he’s her favourite (shes 7yo) she dosnt mean anything by it she’s been the same since she was a baby, would always want him over me, where as my other 2 are the opposite want me over DH. I’d be devastated but I know for her it would just be harder living without him than me. It’s got nothing to do with him being a pushover, he’s stricter than I am and I’m definitely the fun spoiling parent.

Dodie66 · 21/07/2021 15:24

Instead of her being there full time would she consider weekends with you? That must be really hard

Ingridla · 21/07/2021 15:24

@mug2018

I'd give her hug, talk to her about why she wants to go & support her decision. But tell her that her home will always be with you & she can come home anytime I think she needs to make her own choice & go from there .... she'll be back before you know it.

This

NumberTheory · 21/07/2021 15:27

OP I’m so sorry. I would be heartbroken too.

It sounds like it’s nothing to do with you and the home you’ve built for them all. Just that she prefers it there.

I had a brother I clashed with at that age. If I’d had another place to stay where I was loved that he wasn’t at much I’d probably have chosen it too. And, to be honest, it would probably have been better for the two of us. Normal or not, sibling disagreements can still be detrimental, there just isn’t always a way to provide the space all parties need. So maybe it’s just that.

Also, I t may not be forever. With what sounds like a really good co-parenting situation with your ex, there’s a lot of room for things to change back. And for you to keep a really good relationship with her even if she stays. I hope you can find a way to see it in a positive light.

Ginger1982 · 21/07/2021 15:27

She's of an age where her views should be taken into account. Of course you don't want her to go but if it's what she wants, and is a reasonable suggestion where not much would change, then I don't really see how you could, or would want to, stop her.

toocold54 · 21/07/2021 15:29

I wonder if those saying sorry you're stuck here would say the same if OP’s DD lived with XH and wanted DM instead. I would listen to her OP and see why. My DB asked to live with DF and my mother literally ripped him away and he has never forgiven her. If the moving back and forth I would understand but there's no indication. Sit and listen and maybe at some point include her dad so you can have a proper discussion.

I completely agree!

RadandMad · 21/07/2021 15:32

It’s quite shocking to read how many people wouldn’t let her go! Some people are very quick to put their own feelings before their child’s and some are bordering on quite controlling/manipulative behaviour!

It's quite shocking how many people here are so judgemental about parents who believe it may not always be in a child's best interests to simply have their own way. If you've never been in a situation where you've tried to lay down quite reasonable rules, only to have your child blackmail you by saying they'll go off to the other parent, then you have no idea what is in children's best interests. It's all too easy in the teenage years for kids to play off one parent against another. If one parent is very lax, and doesn't expect them to, say, help keep the house tidy, then that can easily seem the more attractive option to a kid. But in the long term it might well be better for them to live some of the time with a parent who expects them to contribute or be considerate of others.

godmum56 · 21/07/2021 15:33

@AliceMcK

I think you just need to talk to her. Explain that you love her and don’t want her to go but will respect her reasons when she tells you them…

It may be that she just wants to live with her Daddy for no other reason than that’s who he is. I know that given a choice my 2nd DD would choose to live with her Dad if we were to split up. She’s always been about her Daddy, she tells me all the time he’s her favourite (shes 7yo) she dosnt mean anything by it she’s been the same since she was a baby, would always want him over me, where as my other 2 are the opposite want me over DH. I’d be devastated but I know for her it would just be harder living without him than me. It’s got nothing to do with him being a pushover, he’s stricter than I am and I’m definitely the fun spoiling parent.

does she need to explain her reasons? Is "I want to do this" not enough? Who gets to judge her reasons?
Original poster
Worried234 · 21/07/2021 15:33

Hi everyone. Thanks for replying. Work got really busy, sorry. Ive still not spoken to DD. XH has just said we can all talk about it, and see what we can come up with, but she's pretty adamant, according to him.
He reckons let her stay for the summer hols and then reasses.
I don't know whether forcing the issue will drive her away and make her resent me.
My parents are also driving me mad. I told them this morning, and they've text me all morning basically like 'DO NOT LET HER GO." Hmm Easy for them to say.

OP posts:
sadie9 · 21/07/2021 15:33

When did you guys split up? What was the arrangements before the 50/50?
How did she cope with the break up?

12 is a tricky age. There's something going on anyway because she's not settled and is in a dilemma of trying to managing people's feelings. How are you coping yourself with the break up?
Would you consider child counselling for her or art therapy sessions, might be useful for her to express herself.

StrongLegs · 21/07/2021 15:36

I think she needs to come home to you some of the time, because you have responsibility for her welfare, and I can't see how you can discharge that responsibility if you don't see her.

Having said that, I've never been in this kind of situation, so I don't really understand the lived reality of it.

Viviennemary · 21/07/2021 15:37

I dont think a child of twelve should be allowed to call the shots. Ive seen these children setting one parent against the other flitting between houses. Not saying this is what's happening here. But on the other hand I could see if she wants just one house. It must be horrifically disruptive to do this 50/50 arrangement. No permanent home.

godmum56 · 21/07/2021 15:38

@RadandMad

It’s quite shocking to read how many people wouldn’t let her go! Some people are very quick to put their own feelings before their child’s and some are bordering on quite controlling/manipulative behaviour!

It's quite shocking how many people here are so judgemental about parents who believe it may not always be in a child's best interests to simply have their own way. If you've never been in a situation where you've tried to lay down quite reasonable rules, only to have your child blackmail you by saying they'll go off to the other parent, then you have no idea what is in children's best interests. It's all too easy in the teenage years for kids to play off one parent against another. If one parent is very lax, and doesn't expect them to, say, help keep the house tidy, then that can easily seem the more attractive option to a kid. But in the long term it might well be better for them to live some of the time with a parent who expects them to contribute or be considerate of others.

As the child grows and (legally) has more agency, the concept of "child's best interests" especially as defined by one parent become weaker. This is not some airy fairy theory, its a legal fact.
OhNoNoNoNoNo · 21/07/2021 15:38

I’d let her go and I wouldn’t interrogate her about why and I wouldn’t dream of trying to guilt trip her into staying. I’d feel sad about it but because I’d miss her not because I’d think the Dad had won some sort of popularity contest.

I’m shocked posters think it’s ok to forbid her to leave. That’s selfish and unfair. I don’t think it matters if she keeps switching between her two homes either.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 21/07/2021 15:39

So you think ex has played a hand? Is he mentioning finances? Cms from you for example - does dd think he is skint/lonely/ blamed you for the split?

toocold54 · 21/07/2021 15:40

It's quite shocking how many people here are so judgemental about parents who believe it may not always be in a child's best interests to simply have their own way.

Why would it not be in the child’s best interests?
OP hasn’t said she has any concerns about her ex, DD already stays there 50/50 and it’s only 10mins away.

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