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Original poster

DD wants to move in with her Dad. Very sad.

257 replies

Worried234 · 21/07/2021 13:03

Hi.

My DD is 12 and splits her time 50/50 with me and XH. We have tow other children who live with me full time, and go to XH at the weekends. The 50/50 was DDs choice and we started it in October.
Last night XH contacted me to say that DD wants to live with him full time.
I really don't want her to
I'm heartbroken. She is 12.
Has anyone any suggestions? I'd never drag it through court.
Her brothers are 15 and 8.
All children are XHs.

OP posts:
Newjobcrap · 21/07/2021 13:34

I’m sorry is a 12 year old really mature enough to make such decisions? I don’t think so.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 21/07/2021 13:36

I have four DCs between 11 and 17 and I have dealt with similar a number of times. As a PP said, it is unlikely to last. She is old enough to have a say, though, and you should put her needs ahead of yours, of course.

Mine don't much like 50:50 because of organisational crap - having school books, tie, trainers in the right house etc. I can see that that is a pain so I would understand if they wanted to just see one parent at weekends, say. And their dad is more "fun" to a teenager than me... Again, I'll go with what they prefer.

dreamingbohemian · 21/07/2021 13:38

My son is almost 12 and no, I would not let him make this kind of decision completely on his own -- not when there is no obvious reason for it, no abuse or a terrible relationship with a step parent or anything like that. I would take his feelings seriously and try to meet him halfway though.

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CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 21/07/2021 13:38

@Newjobcrap

I’m sorry is a 12 year old really mature enough to make such decisions? I don’t think so.
My divorce lawyer said children were usually considered old enough to have a say, at least, from about age 12.
dreamingbohemian · 21/07/2021 13:39

Would an alternative be to change the setup of the 50/50? Some people do one week at one parent, one week at the other (instead of splitting each week). It's much more calm and more full-time feeling.

endofthelinefinally · 21/07/2021 13:40

How about she stays for a couple of weeks and see how it goes? Treat it like a bit of a holiday break. She may find she misses you.

JingsMahBucket · 21/07/2021 13:40

‘sorry darling. Obviously we both want you to live with us but I’m afraid you are stuck with me for at least half the time until you are 18, and really I want you even more than 50 % of the time. I know it’s annoying but I’d just miss you too much’

This is kind of manipulative, especially the last sentence.

Pebbledashery · 21/07/2021 13:40

I'm so sorry x big hugs. No advice, but I worry the same will happen to me in the future. I am a single parent to my daughter and her father only has supervised contact in a contact centre.. worried one day she will want to live with him too :(

Londono · 21/07/2021 13:41

I wouldn't let her go to his ft to be honest.

Fcuk38 · 21/07/2021 13:42

I can’t believe a lot of these responses that you’d just be happy for your kid to move out at 12. The dad sounds reasonable and no underlying issues so if there isnt you should approach it together at first and he should still support a 50/50 living arrangement.

Hatethisplacetho · 21/07/2021 13:42

OP the only reason I wanted to stay at my dads as a teenager was because he had less boundaries so I could get up to more mischief!! It may just be something like that.

ChrissyPlummer · 21/07/2021 13:42

Going against the (general) grain….she has just as much right to live with her dad if that’s what she wants. OP may be upset but maybe that’s how dad feels too? Children don’t ‘belong’ to their mothers any more than their fathers. I know of a few blokes I’ve worked with whose children came to live with them as soon as they were old enough to make the decision for themselves.

OhtheVulgarity · 21/07/2021 13:43

@Newjobcrap

I’m sorry is a 12 year old really mature enough to make such decisions? I don’t think so.
From friends’ divorce proceedings, one involving Cafcass, twelve is certainly considered old enough to have significant input into decisions that involve them. My friend’s son was younger when his wish to stop court-mandated contact with his father was listened to.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/07/2021 13:43

@Londono

I wouldn't let her go to his ft to be honest.
Why not?
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/07/2021 13:44

When you see her, ask her, kindly, how she wants her week to be. Maybe she wants to be there during the school week. Maybe she would come to you 2/3 nights a week rather than 3/4.

TinaYouFatLard · 21/07/2021 13:44

I would want her to be able to look back and know that her mum did not let her go easily.

This might be a weird comparison but when I was that age and out at the shops with my mum, I would deliberately try hang back or hide to see if she noticed. It was my silly way of testing her.

Could DD be doing something similar?

Deadringer · 21/07/2021 13:45

I would say no. Yes she should have a say, but so should you. Assuming you are offering her a safe, loving home and her needs are being meet then 50/50 is fair. Children don't always have to get what they want.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/07/2021 13:45

@Fcuk38

I can’t believe a lot of these responses that you’d just be happy for your kid to move out at 12. The dad sounds reasonable and no underlying issues so if there isnt you should approach it together at first and he should still support a 50/50 living arrangement.
She’s not moving out, she’s moving to spend more time with her dad. Most kids don’t enjoy 50/50, they prefer to have one main home. Why shouldn’t it be with her dad over her mum?
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/07/2021 13:46

@Newjobcrap

I’m sorry is a 12 year old really mature enough to make such decisions? I don’t think so.
Of course they are.
workshy44 · 21/07/2021 13:47

I don't think a 12 year old is equipped to make this type of decision personally.
Do you have a partner - could that be the issue ?
I would perhaps move it to 4/3 nights in favor of her dad but no more than that. One night a week is simply not enough and before you know it , it will be the occasional night
My DD absolutely preferred my husband and had a far better relationship with him until she was about 16 and a half. Now we are super super close. That would never have happened if she wasn't living with me. It would be a no from me but open to being more flexible with regards to time spent with him

toocold54 · 21/07/2021 13:47

It’s normal to feel sad but honestly I would let her as you’ll still see her 50/50 and chances are she’ll want to move back in a few months.

Couchbettato · 21/07/2021 13:47

I think it's just important to know why first before making any decisions.

I moved to my grandparents at 12 because my relationship with my mum was strained. It may be that not everything is as you think at home and her relationship with one or more people isn't as strong as you'd hoped.

Abhannmor · 21/07/2021 13:47

@TheMoth

Might she feel that her stepbrother is getting more of his attention? It would kill me, but maybe let her try it and see that living with someone every day is a bit different.
Yes , good point. Getting nagged about tidying up and homework is a different ball game to treats at the weekend? She can always change her mind too.
Bookaholic73 · 21/07/2021 13:48

@Fcuk38

I can’t believe a lot of these responses that you’d just be happy for your kid to move out at 12. The dad sounds reasonable and no underlying issues so if there isnt you should approach it together at first and he should still support a 50/50 living arrangement.
But she isn’t ‘moving out’. She is choosing to live with her other parent, which she has the right to do.
HarebrightCedarmoon · 21/07/2021 13:49

I'd see what DD says first. I think it would do more harm than good to stop her though. I'd hate it but if it happened to me I'd let her go but also let her know I loved her to the moon and back and that she was welcome to move back any time.