Life.Is.Shit - and I don't think I'm depressed - maybe it just is?

[doesparentingsuck]

I honestly can't work out if I'm depressed or not. I frequently just don't believe life is that hard work it is, I've quite simply had enough.

This isn't a suicidal post - I have no intention of ending my life but just don't get enjoyment out of it that I would want/expect to make it worthwhile.

It's boring AF. From the outside looking in you would think I'm ungrateful for making this post. There's nothing in my life that's an issue really.

Hate my work, too much responsibility and also boring but aside from this it earns me incredible income and I have freedoms to do what a want.

So why do I still come to this conclusion?

Id love to hear other experiences.

@AnaViaSalamanca for how long are we talking? Joyful for more than a few days (excluding time abroad on a holiday)

I can't remember the last time I was joyful.

I have joyful days these are usually Saturdays when I do things for me.

@MyAnacondaMight completely agree about strong management team and adds to feeling like a bit of a failure at work: also doesn't help.

Sometimes I just want to run the fuck away, but realise I can't. And run where to?!!

This book might help you. It’s an easy read

www.amazon.co.uk/Break-Good-Girl-Myth-Purposeful/dp/0062894056?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@AnaViaSalamanca thank you I have just purchased it!

[quote doesparentingsuck]@AmberIsACertainty he concludes I'm entitled and spoilt as have everything I could have wanted but still not happy.

He has no idea what could make me happy do it baffles him and he goes down that route.

To which he has now concluded it's must be a chemical imbalance - hence the ADs which it possibly could be but I refuse then due to TTC (he doesn't understand this)[/quote]
FFS woman - he doesn't get to decide what makes you happy! Therefore he can't possibly know that you've got it already. In fact it's pretty damn obvious from this thread that you haven't got it. You're fine on Saturday's, you repeat that several times. There's nothing wrong with you! Except a husband who thinks he can live your life for you, including trapping you in job in (wild guess) a family business from which you feel (incorrectly, because it's not true) that you cannot escape.

Are you ok with being a single mum? Because I can foresee you either getting genuinely ill and unable to carry on the way you are/being a stressed out shit mum just about managing to carry on the way you are but teetering on a knife edge the whole time/divorcing so you can finally be yourself and parent your child properly. You're not responsible for the whole world and while you're busy spreading yourself too thin it'll be your child that suffers.

You don't need a baby to improve your life (it won't, unless it's a catalyst for you realising you need to change your life), you need a fuckton of therapy because your basic beliefs about how the world, life and marriage works are so messed up you haven't got the ability to start making healthier decisions for yourself.

A bit like if you believed wholeheartedly that all lions were fluorescent pink you'd have no problems hand-feeding leftovers to the 'big brown cat' in your garden. It wouldn't even cross your mind to call the zoo or the circus or stay inside, and if neighbors told you you were being mad you'd just keep stroking it and feeding it and telling them not to be so silly, because there's no way this is a lion and you can't possibly leave it hungry.

@doesparentingsuck

When he's the one that wanted a baby equally if not more than me, but I am just worried we are wanting different things out of life. Him is work work non stop. Me I have no idea

Workaholic is a way of avoiding thinking/feeling. It's a damaged person. You probably can't see t but there's signs he's being controlling of you too.

The way he decided you've got everything you could possibly want (according to him, even though he has no idea what you need ) therefore you should be happy (according to him) and if you're not then there must be something wrong with you (according to him).

The way you get time off when he decides.

The way he tries to make you into a workaholic too, perhaps so you've got no time to think either, no time or ability to realise what an awful and abnormal situation your life is, no time to decide what to do about it, or even time to realise you need to do anything at all.

He's somehow got your work tied up with him (and family, you mentioned "letting loved ones down"). He's got you feeling beholden and trapped.

Now you're planning to be tied to him further with a baby, which he doesn't even appear to care about despite being the one who supposedly wanted it most. I'm going to hazard a guess that the reason he wanted a baby so much is because it would tie you to him. And probably make you feel even more like you couldn't leave.

He's not your DH he's your puppet master. (You're the puppet).

Can you motivate yourself to do the boring jobs that need doing?

Do you talk about yourself a lot and find listening to (most) others boring?

Does waiting while slow people do things slowly drive you insane?

Are you great in a crisis but miserable and stuck in day to day life?

Do you pick up hobbies, ideas, delve deep, then suddenly they lose their zip?

Do you/have you smoked, drank, been promiscuous?

Do you find it hard to sleep because your mind won't relax?

Do you find rejection - real or imagined - overwhelms you and you feel unreasonable despair about it?

Are you prone to unpredictable emotional outbursts where things are said or done that you then have to patch up and put right?

Are you always late or, so anxious about being late that you arrive stupidly early?

Do you put your clean washing away as soon as it's sone or are you a floordrobe user?

Do you find lots of people, or being with loved ones for more than a short while, exhausting?

If you do, please check out ADHD

you need a fuckton of therapy because your basic beliefs about how the world, life and marriage works are so messed up you haven't got the ability to start making healthier decisions for yourself.

Guess I'm sad and happy but your comments. You have bought some home truths to me that perhaps I didn't see - but you have a blunt way of delivering them!

It's ok though you're being helpful. Though can I ask what gives you the above impression what exactly am I so messed up about? @AmberIsACertainty

Just want to add I get it OP. I have felt similar thoughts and feelings since roughly 16. I take ADs which help somewhat and I have considered that if I have to take them forever as a chemical cocktail that makes life bearable, then that's probably better than ending my life and putting my family through pain. However, I differ slightly to you in that I don't think I want children because I don't want to 'pass the pointlessness' onto someone else who may/may not enjoy their life and may/may not be grateful to me for bringing them into the world. It seems too cruel.

I envy people around me who seem very content and 'simple'. I don't meant that unkindly before I get pounced on and obviously you can never know what's going on in someone's mind. What I mean is I can think of a few people who all they've ever wanted is to be a mum, or a vet, or a homeowner, or to get married and now that they've achieved that they are (seem) blissfully happy. That's not to say they don't have bad days but they seem to really appreciate their lot. I've never mastered that art.

I think you sound very unhappy but I empathise as I feel the same. It all feels like a life sentence waiting to die and filling it with pointless crap in between to distract us/fill the days. Essentially, it doesn't matter if you earn lots of money because it's all pointless but then money helps and is essential so I stay in the trap of a decent paid (to me) job and swallow the misery. What does it matter if you live in a house or a boat if its all pointless? But then a house helps as having capital so I stay in the trap of a mortgage. And on it goes. I hope I'm making sense.

@aubreyii yes many of those symptoms apply and I explored them with my therapist - we decided though that getting the education I have would have been near impossible if I had adhd - she said my symptoms don't fully fit.

I do have another medical condition that more closely matches my symptoms which is borderline under control. State of the NHS means I can't get the help I need and they keep assuring me as my results are normal there's nothing they can do

Also agree with not being able to talk to others about it IRL. It's a conversation nobody wants to have, but makes you feel so lonely when there's nobody to discuss it with. When I have had the conversation and people have agreed with parts of what I'm saying, they are of the opinion well that's just how it is. Wonderful.

@RainbowChameleon

I'm sorry you are feeling the same it's very painful isn't it. I can't even begin to explain how others make you feel when approaching it.

I bought it up once and the response I got (after TWO minutes of saying life was boring) - 'no that's called depression'.

The ignorance of diagnosing someone with feels readily after a two minute conversation was staggering to which i thought - never will I talk about this with anyone again.

And I agree about envy for simple people - I feel it too. They just plod along day after day and seem content with everything. How can people NOT question things - it's utterly pointless!

I honestly don't get why our TVs aren't filled with programmes about this very subject - it's like it's also taboo to talk about as there's a secret code where we all know we all come to the same conclusion that it's Absolute BS

Totally agree about the secret code thing. I understand now why people self medicate in different ways, whether that's drinking, smoking etc. It all seems to be a way of escapism and dealing with stuff. Although I do think for some people it has never crossed their mind (how pointless it all is).

I honestly am so saddened to hear that you feel so deadened already and don't feel the spark of joy every morning on waking up and in thinking about all the joys, fun and challenges in the day ahead.

I literally wake up with an endorphins surge ( can actually feel it in my joints, like a warm excitement for the day ahead).

Rather than try and diagnose I will let you know what I do which I hope might help?

I place emphasis on eating nutritiously after finding out about the gut biome and the connection between good mood and what you eat ( lots of interesting recent research in this area).

I have recently added 5g creatine daily which is a protein commonly used for bodybuilding but has surprised me by giving me a positive energy boost. Other dietary tweaks are activated nut and seeds, oily fish, pickles, inulin and matcha green tea.

Living in a very aesthetic environment, having cute pets, all my spaces are considered and beautiful and I was able to do this without spending a lot of money.

Being kind to others, saying kind things, smiling in the mirror when I don't feel like it just to poke fun at myself but never at others.

Making things, helping others, reading widely, learning from YouTube videos, always having something to look forward to no matter how small.

Going out of my comfort zone, laughing when things don't go according to plan, laughing at myself for trying things I am hopeless at but not giving up.

Going for walks and researching the Koran and the Bible, Taoism, Buddhism etc for inspiration and being open minded and curious about the world we live in.

Asking the how? Why? And not getting too introspective as that to me is very self indulgent, self centred and boring.

Finding out about critical race theory, unconscious bias, reading the history and biographies of inspiring people who have made a difference.

How about making a positive difference to someone else's life instead of being so self consumed all the time?

Life is a wonderful, a beautiful tapestry of interesting people, cultures, animals and landscapes.

I am so saddened you don't see it. But there is hope yet!

[quote doesparentingsuck]@aubreyii yes many of those symptoms apply and I explored them with my therapist - we decided though that getting the education I have would have been near impossible if I had adhd - she said my symptoms don't fully fit.

I do have another medical condition that more closely matches my symptoms which is borderline under control. State of the NHS means I can't get the help I need and they keep assuring me as my results are normal there's nothing they can do [/quote]
I’d think again here. I know adult women in adhd diagnosis now who have multiple degrees and successful careers (in one case a phd). They’re just exhausted fighting against the way their brain is.

I know you say that what you do isn't so relevant to this thread but I'm wondering if it part of the reason behind needing this thread.

At first I thought it was a family estate where you were part of the attraction of visiting so needed to be there. But after further posts from you it sounds like perhaps you have found a career based on a skill or talent you have which is extremely lucrative.

Your husband is almost the marketer to the outside world of what you do. Your family are proud and cutting back / walking away will deny them that continued pride so you feel obliged to both DH and family to continue. But for how long? Forever? That's a heavy burden when in your 30's.

The snippets you have said about you / DH remind me of stories about pop stars burning out because their managers want them to work harder to make more money for the manager and it sucks all the joy of performing / songwriting out of the talented one. Can you get someone to help with some parts of your work like the admin?

Currently Saturday is your escape. Can you set more boundaries around other days eg no work beyond a certain point on Weds and Fri. And use that time for self-care - a walk in the local nature, a massage, internet shopping.

Do you feel things have got worse since Covid started? I find the nice parts of life that allow me to cope with my job have reduced / disappeared so now I still have all / even more of the stress of life but not as many stress relievers. For me life is definitely less satisfying than it was two years ago.

I think the secret code feeling may be depression.

It's textbook depression to think that you and you alone have found the secret to how pointless life is. It's basically a diagnostic test in itself. It's also textbook depression to insist that it's not depression, you just see the truth, unlike all those functioning blindos.

In any case, ill health is all about impairment. And this is impairing you, no? You're trapped in passivity and you're miserable. You've convinced yourself you can't possibly make any changes, which is rubbish.

I understand that feeling that some people just plod along happily and feeling that you could never be one of those people. I've never found a job I loved either and couldn't imagine one. If it's possible I'd suggest going part time or reducing your hours, it made a huge difference in my life. It sounds like you're trying to fill the void in your life with shopping and I don't think it's going to work. It will give you the high for a few minutes and then the excitement will wane and you'll be out buying something else to try to recapture that high, it can be a slippery slope if you're not careful.

There are a couple thing things I would suggest considering OP. Growing stuff in the garden, being outdoors, seeing a flower bloom that you grew from seed, eating strawberries and raspberries picked straight off a bush or just picked peas are some of the most satisfying things I've found. Finding frogs and newts in the pond, watching birds eating from your feeders, just seeing all the life around you, it just connects you back to nature. Perhaps worth considering even if you've never thought of yourself as the gardening type.

Volunteering, doing something you are interested in or feel is really worthwhile can also be so positive. you feel like you're making a difference in the world, really helping someone or something and that in turn helps you.

Just a thought anyway xxx

And I agree about envy for simple people - I feel it too. They just plod along day after day and seem content with everything. How can people NOT question things - it's utterly pointless!

Wow. You really aren't a very nice person at all.

@Newstaronhorizon

I honestly am so saddened to hear that you feel so deadened already and don't feel the spark of joy every morning on waking up and in thinking about all the joys, fun and challenges in the day ahead.

I literally wake up with an endorphins surge ( can actually feel it in my joints, like a warm excitement for the day ahead).

Rather than try and diagnose I will let you know what I do which I hope might help?

I place emphasis on eating nutritiously after finding out about the gut biome and the connection between good mood and what you eat ( lots of interesting recent research in this area).

I have recently added 5g creatine daily which is a protein commonly used for bodybuilding but has surprised me by giving me a positive energy boost. Other dietary tweaks are activated nut and seeds, oily fish, pickles, inulin and matcha green tea.

Living in a very aesthetic environment, having cute pets, all my spaces are considered and beautiful and I was able to do this without spending a lot of money.

Being kind to others, saying kind things, smiling in the mirror when I don't feel like it just to poke fun at myself but never at others.

Making things, helping others, reading widely, learning from YouTube videos, always having something to look forward to no matter how small.

Going out of my comfort zone, laughing when things don't go according to plan, laughing at myself for trying things I am hopeless at but not giving up.

Going for walks and researching the Koran and the Bible, Taoism, Buddhism etc for inspiration and being open minded and curious about the world we live in.

Asking the how? Why? And not getting too introspective as that to me is very self indulgent, self centred and boring.

Finding out about critical race theory, unconscious bias, reading the history and biographies of inspiring people who have made a difference.

How about making a positive difference to someone else's life instead of being so self consumed all the time?

Life is a wonderful, a beautiful tapestry of interesting people, cultures, animals and landscapes.

I am so saddened you don't see it. But there is hope yet!

I'm exhausted just reading that...

And I agree about envy for simple people - I feel it too. They just plod along day after day and seem content with everything. How can people NOT question things - it's utterly pointless!

Jesus christ.

There are so many things I could say to that, but I’m trying to scrape my jaw from the floor.

@claralara42 please go away. It seems you're not a very nice person either for coming into this thread and making unfounded nasty comments.

@claralara42 @Arsebucket the comment no way was meant to be offensive - I said I envy people that seem content and have 'simple' lives so please explain what is offensive about that.

Honestly, some people are literally just trawling Mumsnet looking for fights clearly.

ME making unfounded nasty comments? That is rich from you.

In all honesty, you might cheer up a bit if you weren't so monumentally self absorbed.