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Life.Is.Shit - and I don't think I'm depressed - maybe it just is?

206 replies

doesparentingsuck · 10/07/2021 11:34

I honestly can't work out if I'm depressed or not. I frequently just don't believe life is that hard work it is, I've quite simply had enough.

This isn't a suicidal post - I have no intention of ending my life but just don't get enjoyment out of it that I would want/expect to make it worthwhile.

It's boring AF. From the outside looking in you would think I'm ungrateful for making this post. There's nothing in my life that's an issue really.

Hate my work, too much responsibility and also boring but aside from this it earns me incredible income and I have freedoms to do what a want.

So why do I still come to this conclusion?

Id love to hear other experiences.

OP posts:
Twilow · 10/07/2021 12:26

If you earn very well, can you downsize and stop working? Move?

Thelnebriati · 10/07/2021 12:28

You have fulfilled your basic physical needs but you don't do anything you find fulfilling or satisfying. For some people its music, or making things, reading or gardening. you need to find something like that or there will always be a hole in your life.

doesparentingsuck · 10/07/2021 12:28

@Twilow I can't. I know people must be reading this thinking what do you mean you can't lol!

Issue is if I explain I'm worried it's outing - but just take my word for it, I can't walk away from my work.

OP posts:
doesparentingsuck · 10/07/2021 12:29

@Thelnebriati agreed. It's a big problem when you don't find that thing.

I am that person, nothing excites me

OP posts:
doesparentingsuck · 10/07/2021 12:30

@Fountaining good on you and I hope things work out x

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 12:31

I don't really understand why you can't change your work. Is it because you need the money for other obligations in your life, or is it that the job couldn't be done by somebody else?

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 12:31

[quote doesparentingsuck]@Thelnebriati agreed. It's a big problem when you don't find that thing.

I am that person, nothing excites me [/quote]
How many things have you tried?

doesparentingsuck · 10/07/2021 12:32

@TheFoundations the latter - the job couldn't be done by anyone else.

It's irreplaceable and would leave people I love in the shit by walking away and put a strain on relationships. So therefore I carry on.

OP posts:
doesparentingsuck · 10/07/2021 12:33

@TheFoundations many things. I enjoy breaks with DH but he doesn't enjoy them like I do as he is haiku with his life!

Then I feel like a killjoy

OP posts:
doesparentingsuck · 10/07/2021 12:33

*happy

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 10/07/2021 12:40

Ah, so you're not allowed to enjoy the one thing you do enjoy. You said he also doesn't like you going shopping, so is that a pattern?

Is there something he would like to do together, or that you are ''allowed'' to enjoy?

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 12:40

[quote doesparentingsuck]@TheFoundations the latter - the job couldn't be done by anyone else.

It's irreplaceable and would leave people I love in the shit by walking away and put a strain on relationships. So therefore I carry on. [/quote]
Hmm. I spot a disparity. You want them to be happy/fulfilled/not in the shit, and you want your relationships with them to be healthy.

Do they not also want you to be happy/fulfilled/not in the shit?

Is it that they don't know you're unhappy, or that they don't mind you being unhappy?

Also, your husband... he doesn't like going on breaks with you? Or he's just not that interested in doing something that will make you happy?

It doesn't seem like your happiness features much, for people who love you. That's not a criticism of them, they might not know how you feel, but... does this seem anywhere near the mark of why you don't feel very good, or am I miles away?

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 10/07/2021 12:44

Honestly, I think there are definitely mental health issues going on here.

Nobody is that irreplaceable in a job. Nobody. Nobody is really that trapped, although it can feel that way.

Your thinking is at least somewhat distorted.

DukeofEarlGrey · 10/07/2021 12:47

Do you run your own business? Could you hire someone else to run all or some of it...?

sunshinepunch · 10/07/2021 12:47

If you won't leave work you need to find something else that fills the 'excitement' void. I'm not suggesting an affair or something immoral or illegal!

Treats, whatever they are than can be planned and looked forward to when the working day is done.

I think it sounds like you have zero in the fun tank. What interests you aside from shopping?

5128gap · 10/07/2021 12:47

It's the dark side of having an overall nice life with no real worries. When things in life are hard, resolving problems and managing crises is a distraction, and we tend to think life would be great if it wasn't for this or that issue, and we look forward to better times. When theres no issues to occupy us, I think thats when reality can be a 'is this all it is then?' disappointment. I think the only answer really is to try and make sure there are some challenges in your life, new experiences, projects etc to occupy you outside of the routine.

lemonsandgingerbeer · 10/07/2021 12:52

OP, you're not alone and you're not weird.

Jean-Paul Sartre, Nietzche... all the existentialist philosophers... the literal pointlessness of human existence is a feeling that's been felt and wrestled with for centuries by genius minds – and that people have been trying to avoid and fix through religion, drugs, and all manner of other things since the dawn of time.

So you're in bloody good company.

And frankly, the imperative to be happy and fulfilled all the time is unhealthy and unhelpful –and it makes people who aren't full of the joys full-time feel even worse than they otherwise would.

Many studies have shown that for most people there's a level of 'happy' that they stay at for all of their lives –it's more hormonal than circumstantial. Look up the 'hedonic treadmill' idea, too.

Nothing wrong with looking for ways to make small adjustments and improvements, or even big ones, (and there are some good suggestions on this thread) but as a baseline, you're not broken for feeling the way you feel.

Zoorhik · 10/07/2021 12:56

@doesparentingsuck

I think what makes me see it worse is because I actually have a 'nice life' - there's nothing wrong with my situation and also days when I feel this intensely - nothing bad has happened I just her this thought swirling my head - what is the point of this?

It's constant. I don't think I'll ever be at peace with myself/life.

Have you considered that your feelings could possibly be linked to Anhedonia? I feel like this most of the time. I am a deep thinker and constantly question why we are here, what is our purpose and I’m fascinated by philosophical thinking. . I just go through the motions and a routine helps. I believe I have a deficit of serotonin, but meds do not help at all . Thankfully most people don’t feel like this. It helps me to know that I can support and love my children and be there for them when they may need me. That is sufficient for me.
doesparentingsuck · 10/07/2021 13:06

@TheFoundations he does come on the breaks but would never instigate them and we would end up always at home if I didn't arrange them.

He does a lot to make me happy in other ways and is very supportive if I ever ask him for help.

Maybe we both just have different ideas of what it takes to be happy?

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 10/07/2021 13:07

For me, there’s a big difference between wanting to end your life and not knowing how to live the one you’ve got.

I think it’s fairly common to question the ‘purpose’ of life and how we fit in as individuals, members of a family, work, wider society, etc. And it can be an overwhelming thought process.

I’d be inclined to ask someone really close to me if they think I’m depressed or just struggling. There’s no harm in finding out if you want, or need, support.

Maybe, have a look at Samaritans’ or Mind’s websites and see if anything resonates?

doesparentingsuck · 10/07/2021 13:07

@sunshinepunch other than shopping and spending time with DH and sometimes family - nothing.

Oh, meals out. But there is nothing I enjoy that doesn't either involve money or spending time with other people.

Nothing I can think of that I enjoy doing for free, alone.

Makes me sound pathetic but the truth

OP posts:
FatJan · 10/07/2021 13:08

I think it's combination of:

A) How you think, which influences how you feel, which influences how you behave, which influences how you feel which influences how you think which influences how you behave which influences... (and round we go) which can be helped by looking into CBT;

and

B) The way you experience the world based on your consciousness, as made by the neural networks that are most used in your brain/connections that are made.

I think that for some people A can be enough, and it will sort out B for them (new behaviours resulting in new neural networks resulting in a new way of experiencing the world) but for others it isn't enough.

A alone also doesn't answer for people who are happy despite being incredibly restricted/limited to certain behaviours (e.g. imprisoned) who can't just change their behaviour/situation.

B is what interests me at the moment. I think that depending on your consciousness (which I'm defining as your active neural networks) you can experience the same situation completely differently.

For example, I think when people drink, they are changing their pattern of neural networks (or the alcohol is doing it for them by triggering chemical reactions which opens certain receptors and closes others) which changes how they experience (think and feel about) a situation. For a lot of people, alcohol makes them experience it in a way that feels better - they enjoy the situation because they feel more relaxed and confident.

I think this happens because the chemicals have altered the processes/networks in the brain, and they experience a different way of thinking or being than they usually do.

Now, this 'usually do'. I think the way we 'usually' think or feel comes from the neural networks that we have in our brains that have been formed over a lifetime of thoughts, feelings and experiences.

Some of us have established neural networks (and subsequent thought patterns) that make us view the world/events in ways that leads to stressful thoughts/feelings without knowing that we're doing it. It before our 'reality'.

For example, a friend might call round and our immediate thought is 'oh god, I'll have to prepare, what should I wear, do I have anything to wear, what shall I talk about I haven't done anything recently, oh last time was really boring because she talked about her husband the whole time' and then you feel down and stressed and you don't go.

Now, I'm not saying the solution is to see friends you find boring, I'm using this example to show how established thought patterns that tend toward negativity can make us feel bad, and not do things that would probably be good for us, and we can get stuck like this.

The thought patterns are there for a reason in an evolutionary sense - having established thought processes would have helped protect us and make decisions (I won't go near that lion again, it bit me last time), but it seems to me they can take over, and we can get stuck in them in a way that can become detrimental to our wellbeing.

So basically, if I had to guess, I'd say you have some established neural networks that are leading to a way of experiencing the world that feels unpleasant.

If this is the case, the solution is to try and break free of these established thought patterns and start to form some new ones that lead to different feelings.

How does one establish new neural networks? As a start, I would have to say try point A (CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy) to ensure there's nothing you're obviously doing that's leading you to feel like this.

After that, I think the starting point is to accept there's no one 'right'/'real' way of viewing the world. Two people can experience the same situation and feel completely differently about it. One is right and the other wrong. A person who gets shouted at in the street for accidentally walking into someone and ruminates about it all day isn't more 'right' than someone who apologises, laughs it off and forgets it.

You know that your brain CAN experience the world differently if you've ever been drunk or high off exercise, it's just getting it to do it in a way that's healthy and accessible.

It's why I'm not completely against drinking or certain drugs when taken OCCASSIONALLY and in a safe manner - they can help people who are depressed to understand that there IS another way of experiencing the world (depressed people often feel 'stuck' and like they're doing the world 'as it really is' and that's the only true way of feeling). The risk of this is that a lot of people then go on to addicted to substances, because of how they change the way they experience the world. That's the risk that must be considered and managed alongside the initial benefit of reminding the depressed person there is something to live for.

Once you're at the stage of accepting there IS another way of experiencing the world (hopefully you're already there), the question then becomes how do you get to a point where you can expand and/or reconfigure your neural networks to show you to think and feel differently (more positive, open and less stressed) about things on a day to day basis.

Certain practices (mindfulness and meditation) are a good place to start, but there's a lot more or there, which I'm only really starting to discover myself.

doesparentingsuck · 10/07/2021 13:09

@Gatehouse77 DH things I'm depressed and should go on anti depressants but I can't as TTC

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 13:10

Maybe we both just have different ideas of what it takes to be happy

But you don't know what it takes to be happy, that's the point of your thread. Sorry, that sounds really blunt, I don't mean it like that. When he 'does a lot to make you happy', does it not work? I mean, someone could do lots to make me happy, like buying me flowers and chocolates and taking me on a Learjet to Paris for the weekend, but that's no good if what I really want is a piano and a spade.

D'you see what I mean? I'm wondering if the problem is more to do with feeling that nobody understands that you need things to be different, rather than your actual need for things to be different.

Who understands you? I mean, properly understands you?

Gatehouse77 · 10/07/2021 13:14

Oh, and FWIW my purpose in life is to raise well-adjusted members of society who can think for both themselves and others (as needed). Who will pass on the values and morals that keep a balance in the world. To question, take (calculated) risks, see beauty in everyday life, etc.

And aiming for the same of myself!