Life.Is.Shit - and I don't think I'm depressed - maybe it just is?

[doesparentingsuck]

I honestly can't work out if I'm depressed or not. I frequently just don't believe life is that hard work it is, I've quite simply had enough.

This isn't a suicidal post - I have no intention of ending my life but just don't get enjoyment out of it that I would want/expect to make it worthwhile.

It's boring AF. From the outside looking in you would think I'm ungrateful for making this post. There's nothing in my life that's an issue really.

Hate my work, too much responsibility and also boring but aside from this it earns me incredible income and I have freedoms to do what a want.

So why do I still come to this conclusion?

Id love to hear other experiences.

@justasking111 I took ADs for the first time this year for three months after many years of debating

I felt more positive and stopped having negative thoughts on them. Stoped due to TTC they can give birth defects apparently and I just don't want the added risk. So maybe how I feel is temporary - as I've tried everything to fix these feelings and thoughts and nothing works

@sadperson16 employ a lot of people between us. That's all I'll say - im not discussing the sector so please don't ask or anything else please even that makes me worry about being outing

But now can you begin to see the stress and why waking away isn't an option. Certainly not right let now, these people I am responsible for - just like parenting it's impossible to walk away.

And is like a huge responsible beyond what I'd ever imagined it would be.

@sadperson16 the doctor advised yes as they said the depression is not bad enough to take the risk (I'm guessing advised for those who are suicidal) but I agreed with her anyway.

@Newstaronhorizon thank you. Although, I must point out that he is the only person I actually enjoy spending long period of time with.

We do have a laugh and sense of humour I promise!

Also, I definitely feel I am not the same as the people around me - almost like was born in the wrong place or something. I don't mean that in any kind of superior way just that I feel different. My circles are VERY small minded in many ways and I don't fit in I've always a known that.

Tried to start new circles in new places but that never really worked out. So...here I am.

Don't get pregnant before exploring your relationship and the cause of your depression.. it might be hormone imbalance, nutrient deficiency or something else.. pregnancy and parenthood should not be entered into as a fix, this will not solve these problems, it may not even paper over the cracks.

@ChateauMargaux I don't have the luxury of waiting have had fertility struggles previously it's something I cannot hold off on.

I've also tried years to fix my depression to the point where I will just go back on ADs is that such a bad idea? Don't they help millions of people like me?

I'm in a different situation to you OP but identify with much of what you say. I could stop work, and I'm not irreplaceable, but what would I do as there is nothing I really long to do or have a talent for. I'm not wealthy but have enough money to do most things I might want to but can't think of anything and generally my approach to life seems to be "can't be bothered" these days
I wonder if others have hit the nail on the head that it's a bit of an existential crisis; we all aspire to "happiness" without really knowing what that entails or if it is realistic whereas previous generations struggled to keep body and soul together so never had time to obsess on this

@IvorHughJarrs maybe it's a modern day dilemma - it just sucks though and I've been having it on and off for about 15 years now but mostly on.

I honestly have no idea what the point is. And I don't want to feel like this rest of my life

Worth exploring these Op

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs/adults/the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs/adults/the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/

Good luck!

the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/

www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/viewpoint/women-autism-hide-complex-struggles-behind-masks/

Without wishimg to sound unsympathetic - I am - think about using your money and/or time to help others. Are there any issues you feeling strongly about? If not people, the environment, animals, rare breed pigs, anything at all! Giving in this way is obviously great for the beneficiaries but it's also scientifically proven to make people happier.

Oh and ban the word "should".

I was thinking the OP is Kate Middleton

@farfallarocks 😂😂😂😂 it's not Kate!

@colouringindoors no issues I care that much about. In envious at those that do. But no, nothing I care that much about to want to donate etc

Appreciate I come across as a selfish person but I'm just being honest

No, I'm saying that at all, honestly 💐

I really am sorry you feel this way OP and sorry for naggig about your profession.
I'm no Mother Teresa, but it puzzles me as to why you don;t have one single thing you would like to help out with or donate to.
As mentioned previously, at least other could benefit.
You say you like shopping , perhaps others could benefit from your eye for fashion.
It is so interesting and mind expanding to mix with all kinds of people.
It helps us realise we are bloody lucky and can propel us forward.

Have you ever felt excited about life?

Do you have family other than DH that you enjoy being with?

@isthisouting yes enjoy other families company

@isthisouting I've been excited about life at one point but it was highly stressful. Building my career i was so blindsided by this one single goal nothing else mattered. But I was also drinking a lot of wine a day to get there!

If you are so irreplaceable, what are they going to do when you're on maternity leave?

Why are you thinking of bringing a child into this world if it's so shit?

You're being a little contradictory here!

Seriously, book a 2 week holiday, do something nice. But yourself a fuckton of treats, you deserve them.

If you're still miserable consider stopping TTC and some citalopram.

@doesparentingsuck

I think what makes me see it worse is because I actually have a 'nice life' - there's nothing wrong with my situation and also days when I feel this intensely - nothing bad has happened I just her this thought swirling my head - what is the point of this?

It's constant. I don't think I'll ever be at peace with myself/life.

It's just your brain telling you it's majorly time for a change, whether that's moving jobs, location, or whatever else. You only have one life. You don't sound depressed as in, having depression-you sound depressed because you're living in the wrong life. You'll be at peace if you ended up doing what you were always meant to, whatever that is.

Sounds like you're trapped reading a lot of your comments on this thread, OP. Sounds like the wrong guy, that you're burnt out, feeling like you can't leave work as you'll let your partner down but you really can. There's a far freer happier life out there for you.

You do sound depressed. And trapped. It’s painful reading your posts actually. I think you should find a different therapist if your other ones haven’t worked out. You sound very resigned to put others before yourself and perform to a the highest standard. And your DH sounds terrible. Was your parents’ love conditional? Proper psychotherapy can get to the bottom of these things.

When was the last time you were truly joyful?

Sounds like you’re burnt out.

You’re most likely not irreplaceable in your job - more likely you simply haven’t been effective at developing a strong management team.

If you don’t feel you can walk away from your job, work on fixing it so that you can walk away - then decide if you still want to. And if you don’t want to work on that, then go back to therapy to talk about why you’d rather feel important than happy.