Life.Is.Shit - and I don't think I'm depressed - maybe it just is?

[doesparentingsuck]

I honestly can't work out if I'm depressed or not. I frequently just don't believe life is that hard work it is, I've quite simply had enough.

This isn't a suicidal post - I have no intention of ending my life but just don't get enjoyment out of it that I would want/expect to make it worthwhile.

It's boring AF. From the outside looking in you would think I'm ungrateful for making this post. There's nothing in my life that's an issue really.

Hate my work, too much responsibility and also boring but aside from this it earns me incredible income and I have freedoms to do what a want.

So why do I still come to this conclusion?

Id love to hear other experiences.

@Moonface123

Do you feel your living your life to please others?
You say your TTC, is your heart really in it ?

Yes I feel it's the last hope I have to do something drastic that could change my life. I'm also late thirties I'm not going through life without having such a major thing part of it.

A huge risk and gamble I know / my thread probably makes me come across as high likely candidate if PND but am willing to risk it

@AmberIsACertainty he concludes I'm entitled and spoilt as have everything I could have wanted but still not happy.

He has no idea what could make me happy do it baffles him and he goes down that route.

To which he has now concluded it's must be a chemical imbalance - hence the ADs which it possibly could be but I refuse then due to TTC (he doesn't understand this)

OP your job/life sounds really stifling and I wouldn’t blame you got feeling down about it all.
But if you say you genuinely don’t enjoy anything and aren’t interested in anything at all well that’s more than just a stifling work situation. That is depression.

I’m going to guess you are a farmer on family land or have inherited an estate. That’s the only way I can think you’d be as trapped as you are and have never had a holiday. Don’t underestimate how two weeks away can really clear your head and thinking. I’d certainly try that before meds. If dh won’t go with you go on a retreat if some kind with a group.

Having children won’t help if you don’t take leave or cut back your work. It’ll just add more responsibility and stress.

Sounds like you could do with some counselling or even coaching OP.

Find someone experienced with people in your situation ie not in crisis but some sort of state of ennui.

I know PP have already said this but it sounds like a lot of your discontentment is wrapped up in your DH tbh. You've said you enjoy spending time with him but a lot of the things you've identified as making you unhappy seem to be "DH doesn't like to do it", "I'd be letting DH down if I changed my job", "DH says I'm spoiled". From my early teens I have had many existential crisis type situations and am a generally gloomy person so I can really empathise, but my partner (whom I met early last year) enriches my life and makes me smile every day. It sounds a bit as though your DH doesn't do that consistently.

So you and OH are codependent job wise.

Imagine one of you died how would the other move forward income wise?

As for a coffee and a bit of shopping on a Saturday afternoon making you happy there's nothing odd about that. It's good to enjoy your own company

@Puddington the bottom line is I feel like my negative state of mind brings him down.

He does a lot to help me day to day but sometimes can be like living with a very particular person where there is no room to be this way,

He helps me a LOT, but maybe that's not the answer and more fundamental changes are necessary for me.

An example this morning I woke up say thank god for a day off and was smiling. He then said aren't you going to do some work there's loads outstanding (I am unwell currently)

To this I started shouting and swearing saying how dare he guilt trip a sick person.

Maybe there are relationships issues here too.

But I'm far from perfect so maybe why I allow these things

Hmm in the example given I don't think you were entirely in the wrong OP, yes ok shouting at someone isn't great but why was he trying to bring YOU down by reminding you of all the work you have to do when you're trying to enjoy your (what sounds like quite rare) day off? And when you're not well to boot? I'm not saying your state of mind is all his fault, as I mentioned I too have had many "what's the point?" periods in my life and really struggled, but I don't think his reaction to your happiness at some free time was very nice.

[quote doesparentingsuck]@Mulletsaremisunderstood I'd imagine I'd be taking a very short maternity leave is the reality and would still be fielding calls/email etc through most of it [/quote]
I was doing paperwork when I went into labour, was back doing VAT return within two weeks of birth. I had to employ someone to share the load. You need to accept. Help both of you

If you were happy at the thought of having a sick day off and were guilt tripped by him. I'd say you have a problem.

Actually, I feel concern for you OP.How about trying therapy?
Can I just say a baby wreaks havoc.

@sadperson16 I've had many many therapy sessions. They help massively but then I reach the end of the road with it and feel like the sessions are just a repeat of themselves

I stopped about a year ago.

I may try cbt

@sadperson16 I knn no ow what is going to create a shit storm lol so I will defo go back on ADs post baby

@justasking111 a problem with DH? I know, I just feel like we are perhaps not sharing the same goals at the minute

Even with TTC he doesn't ask where I am in my cycle, nothing about it just has sex when asked.

I don't know if this is normal for men or what but he doesn't discuss plans for our baby our anything it's me all the time.

It's like maybe what he wants and what I want are becoming different

When he's the one that wanted a baby equally if not more than me, but I am just worried we are wanting different things out of life. Him is work work non stop. Me I have no idea

@doesparentingsuck

When he's the one that wanted a baby equally if not more than me, but I am just worried we are wanting different things out of life. Him is work work non stop. Me I have no idea

He's a workaholic who's with a partner who thinks there must be more to life than this. He's not going to be able to help you with a baby too busy. So have you talked this through. I worry that you say it's back on pills post baby this isn't right. A permanent chemical cosh to make your life bearable is just so sad.

An example this morning I woke up say thank god for a day off and was smiling. He then said aren't you going to do some work there's loads outstanding (I am unwell currently)

I fear for you / If you can’t rest guilt free when sick birth and maternity leave will be awful!! I would NOT be ttc without a proper plan in place to take on cover for you. Even if it’s a virtual admin person a few hours a week or something. Please. I really fear for you 😥

And unless you are Britney Spears or Tracy Emin or something then you are NOT the only person who can do every part of your job.

OMG op I have just read this op with absolute horror!!!!

DO NOT TTC DO NOT CONTINUE WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP

This is your gut instinct screaming at you to stop and get off this path!!!

The hormonal rush of pregnancy may NOT fulfill you in the way you hope and if anything, you are a perfect candidate for PND

Your dh does not understand you and you are passively accepting your lot in a horrendously and utterly dispirited way like a lamb waiting for the end in a slaughterhouse.

Sorry op but you need to listen to your gut and not listen to what you think you should do.

Just stop. Concentrate on doing the little things you enjoy and learn to be non-judgemental about what you should and shouldn't enjoy.

I cannot begin to believe what it must be like to start each day with joy and happiness and a laugh.

What has happened to your sense of humour? Do you have one? Does your dh?

Does he suck all the joy from things that you like and made you guilty for enjoying simple things so you don't feel like doing them anymore?

There is so much wrong in your relationship and life. It seems so functional and automatic without spirit or zest or fun or happiness.

I don't believe you have found your 'tribe', the people who 'get' you and you are stuck at a bottom of a trough.

Believe me there is a rope to get you out of that mindset and life but you need to realise that you are not depressed, just going down the wrong path with the wrong person.

Critical reflection, not blame will help you realise that making wrong choices is ok but that going forward you can learn from those wrong paths to find a brighter future. Believe me , there is one out there!

You can't have a baby to fix both your depression and your relationship. A baby will likely make both worse.

Working over weekends would make anyone miserable though. I don't really understand why you and DH seem to think that's normal or desirable? Work is to earn money, if it's something that has some enjoyable bits to it then that's a bonus. There is so much more to life. And if you're not sure what more there is, you are allowed to make time and space for yourself to find out..!

"You don't have to live your life the way others expect" - Chris Guillebeau. His blog helped me 10 years ago get through a similar phase which did start in my teens. I was sick of being unhappy and had no idea where to go or what to do but I have been able to improve things. The biggest change is internal.

You're not powerless, you just feel like you are. You are allowed to throw it all up in the air without a concrete plan ready. You are allowed to find yourself.

So we have the truth.....you have been medicating your depression and have come off the meds due to wishing to conceive?
I presume all done carefully and thoughtfully with guidance from a doctor?

For the love of God, what is this thing that only you can do , that generates shed loads of money and means you are depressed?