Am I awful?

[Sqirrelly]

When I had DS I had to quit work because the cost of childcare exceeded what I’d earn. Being stuck at home has made me very unhappy. I’m hoping to return to work in September when DS is entitled to free childcare. I’ve asked my retired mum to babysit DS while I work on distance learning qualifications to hopefully get back into the workplace in a better job. She’s downstairs in the lounge with him while I’m upstairs in the bedroom studying on my laptop. She drops in every weekday and watches him for maybe 2 hours, so over the course of a week I get about 10 hours to study.

But she’s letting him come upstairs to pester me all the time so I can’t study. When I bring him back downstairs repeatedly she’s saying stuff like how awful it is that I don’t want my own child and don’t have time for him. Mixed with comments about how she didn’t go back to work until I grew up and left home. It’s making me feel awful and preventing me studying.

I’ve said to her, do you realise that lots of women go back to work when they’re baby is six months old? And they work for 8 hours not just 2. She just shrugs her shoulders and pulls a face, and says well I think it’s awful to have a child and then just dump it on someone else.

If I could afford alternative childcare I’d arrange it, but I don’t have the money. Either my mum babysits or I can’t study at all. So I guess I have to put up with this. But it’s making me feel awful. I just really want to be able to study and have a future to look forward to, but I can’t get the time to myself.

I think it’s a generational thing. My mum doesn’t think I should work at all and I only work 18.5 hours a week.
If she’s your only option I would suck it up as much as you can, it’s only a few hours a day. Perhaps you could study elsewhere? Or could she look after your DS in her house for more hours over less days instead? If it’s only two hours study a day could you do some when DS is asleep?
Is it because she is finding it too much?

As shit as it is at the moment, you need the free childcare.
Beggars can't be choosers as the saying goes.
I needed my Mum for childcare and sympathise, you just have to suck it up

I'd go somewhere else to study. Is your local library open yet ? Or go to the park and sit at a picnic table. Anything would be better than this - getting pestered by DS and your mother as well !

Do you have a library nearby, or a coffee shop where you can wear headphones ?

Why don't you do the two hours of study when your child is in bed asleep either at night or early in the morning, then you don't need to use your mum and won't have to listen to her negative comments.

It's what I had to do as I don't have any support as I live hours away from my family.

She won’t take DS for more than a couple of hours at a time. That’s why she pops in every day instead of one big session. DS has never been a good sleeper, he’s usually awake 8am till 10pm so I don’t get any time to myself. I don’t know if you’re allowed to work in the library now but travelling there and back would eat up about 30 minutes of my 2 hours.

Why don't you do the two hours of study when your child is in bed
He gets up at the same time as me and goes to bed at the same time as me. I don’t get a single minute without him.

She doesn't want to do it. But I would suck up the comments if you really want this. You are doing the right thing.

Your mum might be envious. Mine was as I got myself educated etc.

I assume you are a single parent?

1.5 hours in the library may be more productive than 2 hours being interrupted?

I think it’s a generational thing
Yes I think so too. When I was a kid everyone had a mum at home, if she worked at all it was only part time during school hours. My mum’s only life ambition was to be a mother and she loved it. I don’t feel the same and it makes her angry. I had post natal depression after I gave birth and she was so angry with me, she refused to help me and walked out saying I was selfish and a horrible person because I should be happy and fulfilled to have a child, not crying about being stuck in the house. I don’t want any more children because I want my life back and she often says that’s a selfish decision.

How old is he? If you can sort his sleep I would do it in the evening/early morning, she sounds very unsupportive.

Can you afford a day or half day at nursery? Say it’s for his benefit, early year’s education, mixing with peers etc

First of all well done for wanting to study and better yourself! I’m looking to do similar once my little ones start preschool. Family are a pain in the bum at times aren’t they, I barely ask for help unless absolutely necessary as they always have a way to make me feel guilty about it. Maybe look into a better routine for your little one so they go to bed a bit earlier, it makes take a couple of weeks, but if you managed you could get on with your studying then in an evening without the need to have your mum making you feel guilty.

This is NOT a judgement on your parenting at all, but wha time do you go to bed/wake up?

If he’s going to be in nursery in September you might want to consider shifting the times to suit that?

Bed at 7pm ish? , waking at 7ish?

You could start that transition now and free up your evenings?

I know it’s easier said than done though

I assume you are a single parent?
No I have a partner. But he’s out at work 11 hours a day and sometimes works weekends or goes away overnight, and he complains about coming home and being expected to do more work. Like if he’s out till 7 and then we have dinner by 8, he has to be in bed by 10 to get up the next day. So 8-10 is the only time he has free and he gets depressed if he has no free time.

Is this a funded 2 year old place? Or 3 year old place?

Have you checked to see if you qualify for the 2 year old place?

You're not awful, OP, but your mother is! How horribly judgmental and unsupportive she is. Is DS's dad still on the scene at all?

Your husband needs to support you more with your studies.

And taking care of his own child isn’t “work”

There is an awful person but it isn't you

Is your mum stuck in the 1950s? She sounds judgemental and completely out of touch

Childcare exceeds the majority of income.

Did you claim tax credits to help?

I think 'generational views' is a cop out. My DM would be horrified if I had no ambition and stayed at home with DCs full time.

She worked very, very hard when I was a child and instilled in us that it was possible to have a fantastic career and and still have a family.

OP you are doing really well to be studying with such crap childcare! It's horrid that because she's doing you a half hearted favour your mum feels she can belittle your aspirations and try and make you feel like a shit parent. How many hours per week of study does your course need? Would it not be less stressful to just do it when your child naps/ is in bed?

@Sqirrelly

Why don't you do the two hours of study when your child is in bed He gets up at the same time as me and goes to bed at the same time as me. I don’t get a single minute without him.

Ah just seen this. I feel your pain! This won't be forever.

Even a picnic blanket in the park is a better place to study than at home. Does your mum not fancy taking your child out at all to do something fun?

This is NOT a judgement on your parenting at all, but wha time do you go to bed/wake up?
Currently 8am wakeup and 10pm bed. Sometimes it can even be a struggle to get DS to sleep at 10pm, last night he was up till nearly 11pm. Nursery will start at 8.45am so we probably need to bring wakeup forward by half an hour. But that won’t really free up any time. The issue is that he sleeps the same amount of hours as an adult so I don’t get any time away from him.

Your partner does need to look after his DS at the weekends to enable you to study even if it's only a few hours.

Your Mum sounds dreadful and I wouldn't be surprised if her lack of compassion and support contributed. Seem with your partner, he isn't supportive either - his life MUSt continue unchanged else his depression will worse. So that leaves you carrying the mental and emotional load for everything doesn't it?

She's the awful one, from the way you describe her utter lack of support at your PND.
Do you think you can stick it out for a few more weeks? Unfortunately she's unlikely to change her views so just grin and bear it?

2 hours a day every week day is quite a lot of time to be fair - and 2yos are pretty demanding on attention. Saying that you're 'dumping' him on her says a lot about what she really thinks about spending time with young children... !