Am I awful?

[Sqirrelly]

When I had DS I had to quit work because the cost of childcare exceeded what I’d earn. Being stuck at home has made me very unhappy. I’m hoping to return to work in September when DS is entitled to free childcare. I’ve asked my retired mum to babysit DS while I work on distance learning qualifications to hopefully get back into the workplace in a better job. She’s downstairs in the lounge with him while I’m upstairs in the bedroom studying on my laptop. She drops in every weekday and watches him for maybe 2 hours, so over the course of a week I get about 10 hours to study.

But she’s letting him come upstairs to pester me all the time so I can’t study. When I bring him back downstairs repeatedly she’s saying stuff like how awful it is that I don’t want my own child and don’t have time for him. Mixed with comments about how she didn’t go back to work until I grew up and left home. It’s making me feel awful and preventing me studying.

I’ve said to her, do you realise that lots of women go back to work when they’re baby is six months old? And they work for 8 hours not just 2. She just shrugs her shoulders and pulls a face, and says well I think it’s awful to have a child and then just dump it on someone else.

If I could afford alternative childcare I’d arrange it, but I don’t have the money. Either my mum babysits or I can’t study at all. So I guess I have to put up with this. But it’s making me feel awful. I just really want to be able to study and have a future to look forward to, but I can’t get the time to myself.

It doesn’t sound like your mum is a realistic option here - she doesn’t support your studies and she’s not really looking after him. It’s not working for anyone.

How old is DS? Could you take him to soft play or something and him go off and play, and you study? That’s pretty common here… or can you eek out an extra hour after he goes to bed? That hour of concentration might be better than two hours of distractions…

Can you afford a day or half day at nursery?
We could possibly stretch to it in the short term but there’s no chance of getting a place at short notice. He’s got a place for September but he’s been on the waiting list for over a year to get that.

Is this a funded 2 year old place? Or 3 year old place?
3 year old place. We weren’t eligible for a place at 2 years old because my partner works and we don’t claim benefits.

It won't work, he knows you are there. It's not fair on your mum to try and control him that way, god knows many of us know this from lockdown. Go somewhere else to study, or study once he's in bed. or at the weekend.

Would it not be less stressful to just do it when your child naps/ is in bed?
He hasn’t napped since he turned 2. I wish he would but he won’t. He sleeps the same hours as me and is often up till 11pm. So I don’t get free time when he’s in bed because I’m asleep myself.

Does your mum not fancy taking your child out at all to do something fun?
No she won’t. She can only manage him in the house, she’s not physically able to pick him up or catch him if he runs away.

@Sqirrelly

I think it’s a generational thing Yes I think so too. When I was a kid everyone had a mum at home, if she worked at all it was only part time during school hours. My mum’s only life ambition was to be a mother and she loved it. I don’t feel the same and it makes her angry. I had post natal depression after I gave birth and she was so angry with me, she refused to help me and walked out saying I was selfish and a horrible person because I should be happy and fulfilled to have a child, not crying about being stuck in the house. I don’t want any more children because I want my life back and she often says that’s a selfish decision.

I wonder if that is actually true or whether she is jealous-angry because she didn't have the chance that you have and jealous-angry because PND is now recognised as an illness and she had to fight through it alone? Whether its unconscious sabotage that makes her bring littlie to you when you are studying?

Sorry but your partner does no parenting because he works and gets depressed if he has no free time?

He needs to step up.

Whereabouts in the country are you? South east? I dont really have enough to do so would help you out with childcare if you are. Sorry about your mum. She sounds pointlessly disapproving.

Your partner does need to look after his DS at the weekends to enable you to study even if it's only a few hours
He does. But he won’t take him out of the house, he says he’s too tired and can’t be bothered. So I have the same problem with being pestered. I get a few broken hours to myself over the weekend, sometimes I do a bit more study and sometimes I’m shattered and just watch the telly for an hour. I know that isn’t ideal but I need a bit of down time somewhere.

Seem with your partner, he isn't supportive either - his life MUSt continue unchanged else his depression will worse. So that leaves you carrying the mental and emotional load for everything doesn't it?
He’s on the road a lot. He says he can’t play on his phone or even answer a text because he’s driving or working. The only time he gets to do anything is 8-10 in the evening. I said but equally I’m doing childcare for the same hours? And he says but you can play on your phone any time while DS is running around so it’s not the same.

Saying that you're 'dumping' him on her says a lot about what she really thinks about spending time with young children... !
She loves kids. Just she thinks my child is my responsibility and I shouldn’t give him to anyone else. Because she always looked after her own child and she’s proud of that. She says she could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times she used a babysitter.

@Sqirrelly

This is NOT a judgement on your parenting at all, but wha time do you go to bed/wake up? Currently 8am wakeup and 10pm bed. Sometimes it can even be a struggle to get DS to sleep at 10pm, last night he was up till nearly 11pm. Nursery will start at 8.45am so we probably need to bring wakeup forward by half an hour. But that won’t really free up any time. The issue is that he sleeps the same amount of hours as an adult so I don’t get any time away from him.

He should be having more sleep than that.

But I appreciate sleep is the holy grail of parenting

Good luck!

@Sqirrelly

Would it not be less stressful to just do it when your child naps/ is in bed? He hasn’t napped since he turned 2. I wish he would but he won’t. He sleeps the same hours as me and is often up till 11pm. So I don’t get free time when he’s in bed because I’m asleep myself.

You're partner and you need to work on a proper bedtime routine for your dc. Him staying up until 10/11pm is not good for anyone in the house. Your partner doesn't get the luxury of free time when he has a toddler, regardless of what he wants. So maybe he can start the bedtime routine, getting Ds down for 8/8.30pm and then he can have his free time while you study. Yes it will take a few nights of whinging dc but will be worth it when he's in bed at a reasonable hour. As for your mum, it's unfair to expect her to try and mind your child in the house when he only wants to be in the room with you. Work on the bedtime!

So your DH’s priority is playing on his phone????

Got to agree with the ‘it’s your partner that needs to step up’ posts

It’s hard not having any free time, I get that. For you too though.

His needs aren’t more important than yours

Personally if you do not believe your partner to pose a threat to you child I would pack my study bag and leave for park/library/study in car once he is home.

I just can’t quite get a mother talking to her daughter in this way. Utterly alien to me. From the perspective of a daughter AND a mother

get my head around

You have a partner problem here. He sounds like the most selfish twat on the planet. Which isn't normal, btw. Most decent parents don't think of minding their children as 'work'.

Could you also get in touch with health visitor RE sleep? He needs way more sleep than he's getting. At 2 my DD was in bed by 7pm, settled and sleeping by about 7.30pm leaving me a good 3 hours of free time a night.

Do you actually sleep 10-8 as well?

Personally 6-7 hours is all I actually sleep!

DP needs to step up, as others have said. He sounds very selfish and shortsighted. You studying is not forever and once you are in work it will mean more money and therefore more “free time” or less working hours for him.

Could you pay a local teenager to babysit for a couple of hours after school each afternoon/evening so you can get some work done? Cheaper than childminder or nursery and they will probably be more conscientious at preventing interruptions than your mum,

Also agree with pp that you need to sort bedtime. 10 is too late. You’ll probably find if you’re firmer he will go down earlier, might need to do a bit of controlled crying. Even if he doesn’t go to sleep til later he’s old enough to stay quietly in his room winding down from 7 or 8pm.

Tell DH to put DS to bed. As soon as DS is asleep (or staying in bed quietly) then DH gets as much phone time as he wants. I bet DS will be going to bed at 7pm pretty sharpish. You go and sit in the car, in a MacDonalds, on the doorstep, at a neighbours from 7pm until 9pm and do your work.

he gets depressed if he has no free time

But you are expected to go without? And that’s fine? Sorry, but I think the problem here is your DH. You need to organise a better balance, this sounds wholly unfair. You could have an hour every night to yourself and so could he, him getting two hours and you nothing is not okay.

Leave the house for two hours. Book a space in the library or go to a coffee shop. Your mum is inhabiting your ambitions and preventing you and your child having a better future life. Yes, you’re grateful for her help, but it’s just 2 hours FFS! What a miserable, old-fashioned, life limiting attitude she has!

*inhibiting

Also agree that DP needs to be a father.