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Original poster

Am I awful?

190 replies

Sqirrelly · 08/07/2021 11:09

When I had DS I had to quit work because the cost of childcare exceeded what I’d earn. Being stuck at home has made me very unhappy. I’m hoping to return to work in September when DS is entitled to free childcare. I’ve asked my retired mum to babysit DS while I work on distance learning qualifications to hopefully get back into the workplace in a better job. She’s downstairs in the lounge with him while I’m upstairs in the bedroom studying on my laptop. She drops in every weekday and watches him for maybe 2 hours, so over the course of a week I get about 10 hours to study.

But she’s letting him come upstairs to pester me all the time so I can’t study. When I bring him back downstairs repeatedly she’s saying stuff like how awful it is that I don’t want my own child and don’t have time for him. Mixed with comments about how she didn’t go back to work until I grew up and left home. It’s making me feel awful and preventing me studying.

I’ve said to her, do you realise that lots of women go back to work when they’re baby is six months old? And they work for 8 hours not just 2. She just shrugs her shoulders and pulls a face, and says well I think it’s awful to have a child and then just dump it on someone else.

If I could afford alternative childcare I’d arrange it, but I don’t have the money. Either my mum babysits or I can’t study at all. So I guess I have to put up with this. But it’s making me feel awful. I just really want to be able to study and have a future to look forward to, but I can’t get the time to myself.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 08/07/2021 16:46

You have to get some sort of routine in place between you and your DP. Your DP should be able to compromise if it’s only until September, and use some of his free time to watch his dc. You would also need to sort out a better bedtime routine to free up some time. Your mums comments aren’t nice, but I think tying up her days with childcare (because even having only two hours during the day tied up is restrictive) can’t be great for her either. It won’t be easy, but juggling parenting with other stuff is never easy.

IdblowJonSnow · 08/07/2021 16:48

Some really shit and unsupportive comments on here.
People think I'm always asleep when the reality is I struggle to drop off, wake in the night then cant sleep. Or if I do sleep I wake up too early cos I need the loo. I can spend 10 hours in bed but probably only slept for 4 - 6 hours.

Keep going op, it sounds really hard. I think your partner needs to step up if no one else can.

Can u pretend you're on an online meeting or listening to s tutor on headphones so your mum stops letting your child in? Her attitude is bizarre.

noirchatsdeux · 08/07/2021 16:54

My mother is a narcissist and only had children because it was 1. expected by her faith - Catholic and 2. It would make her look perfect in front of her large Catholic family.

Unfortunately for myself and my two brothers, it turned out she didn't really like being a mother at all. But she expected me, the only girl, to follow in her footsteps...and I didn't. During my childbearing years (during which I had cancer twice - which didn't stop her) I had to endure never-ending sarky comments about how selfish etc I was not to have given her grandchildren (my two brothers haven't, either). Some women, like my mother and your mother, just can't understand why being a mother is not every woman's overriding ambition.

I'd wait until September and do your studies. It's not long now. My late MIL family refused to help her with childcare when exH was young, she had to wait until he started primary school to start training as a teacher. She finally started teaching the year he started secondary school.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
TeachesOfPeaches · 08/07/2021 16:54

Have you tried a childminder? They are much cheaper and more flexible than nurseries.

DrCoconut · 08/07/2021 16:55

Some children just don't sleep early the same as some adults don't. 10 to 8 is 10 hours, plenty of people's kids go to bed at 7 and get up at 5 but this is considered normal?

Indoctro · 08/07/2021 16:57

I think you need to sort your child's bedtime out that's simply not enough sleep and will effect his development if deprived of sleep long term

Stop studying for now, get him in a proper routine of 7-7

Once that's sorted work from 8-10pm

ExhaustedFlamingo · 08/07/2021 17:08

"No I’m not willing to compromise my sleep. When DS was six weeks old I had a breakdown because I was hallucinating due to lack of sleep. It was terrifying. Lack of sleep makes you physically ill and there’s no way I can cope with boring 14 hour days with a toddler if I haven’t had enough sleep. "

OP says she NEEDS to sleep from 10pm to 8am. That's 10 hours of sleep every day.....for an adult. Almost half of every day spent sleeping....yikes.

Sleep deprivation is horrible OP, totally get that. But you could easily cut your sleep to eight hours per day and be fine. Adults do not need 10 hours sleep every single day. If you think you do, you need to go and see your GP for a checkup as you may have a B12 or thyroid deficiency.

It's not a competition or a race to the bottom but I don't know a single mum who doesn't have to juggle a bit if they want to work/study. You seem to want to have everything your own way - there are lots of solutions but you've found excuses for everything people have offered and just totally ignored other ones. Having eight hours sleep every night is entirely reasonable and leaves you two clear hours to study.

You need to adjust your expectations - and your DH also needs to stop being so selfish. Or just carry on feeling sorry for yourself and waiting for a magic wand to appear.

Indoctro · 08/07/2021 17:10

Just realised you 10-8 that's a lot

I would wake up at 6am and get my work done then

I get up at 5am to be able to fit running in around my family, often if you want to do something you have to make time either late at night or early morning before family life takes over.

Wouldyoudothesame · 08/07/2021 17:12

Your mum is being absolutely hateful. My mum is the same except I want to be a SAHM and she cannot bear it seeing as she had me at nursery at 6 weeks old. Ive had to outsource babysitting for when I'm studying due to the constant comments, it's awful and really grinds you down. When I did have to put up with it (due to money or lack of) I ended up actually going to my mum's house to study when she came to mine to babysit...could that work for you? X

FrogFairy · 08/07/2021 17:27

Ask your HV if you can get help through your local Sure Start centre.

SpeciminA · 08/07/2021 17:28

I don’t get why people are saying the OP has to sleep less instead of saying that her DH needs to step up and be a parent? The OP shouldn’t have to compromise her own time, her DH should be helping her. She has her child for 14 hours a day every day, even when mum comes round because of the constant disturbance. People getting het up about her sleeping 10 hours need to redirect their exasperation towards the other parent who is doing very little parenting.

OP, your DH needs to be helping you out more.

LimitIsUp · 08/07/2021 17:31

You are not awful but your mum's attitude is

cabingirl · 08/07/2021 17:32

You need to do something different as what's happening is clearly not working. If it was me I would do the following:

Put a hold on the 2 hours a day studying - if you keep getting interrupted it can't be very effective and it's just making you frustrated.

Come up with a daily schedule that will work when nursery starts so new getting up time - and a new bedtime for your DC.

Bedtime doesn't have to mean sleep time. You're going to slowly teach your DC that he can stay in his bed for short periods of time before sleep on his own.

I'd also slowly build in periods of independent quiet time during the day where he starts to learn to play on his own.

As others have said really ramp up the physical activity he does especially outside each day.

And use the 2 hours a day you get with your Mum being there for support to get jobs done which help you out but aren't an issue for being interrupted. Housework, food prep etc. This will give you space and time later in the day to maybe work on the computer on your CV, or look for jobs etc - you'll be able to do this in the quiet times you are encouraging from your DC, his earlier bedtime, and the odd CBeebies session.

The earlier bedtime is going to be the tough one - at the moment it sounds like he's not learned how to be on his own quietly in bed before sleep - so it's going to be a slow process but it will be worth it. Your aim is that you will eventually be able to put him to bed (even if he doesn't sleep straight away) a couple of hours before you go to bed yourself.

Bluntness100 · 08/07/2021 17:36

@SpeciminA

I don’t get why people are saying the OP has to sleep less instead of saying that her DH needs to step up and be a parent? The OP shouldn’t have to compromise her own time, her DH should be helping her. She has her child for 14 hours a day every day, even when mum comes round because of the constant disturbance. People getting het up about her sleeping 10 hours need to redirect their exasperation towards the other parent who is doing very little parenting.

OP, your DH needs to be helping you out more.

You’ve missed the point, if her husband is unwilling no matter how many times you write tell him to step up it ain’t happening. So she needs to find a solution she can control
SpeciminA · 08/07/2021 17:42

@Bluntness100 I haven’t missed the point. The situation is unacceptable and I think the OP needs to be encouraged to get the support from a lazy man. I don’t think it should be ‘Oh he won’t help? Well you should suffer further then’. Why are we so willing to just accept this as women?

Bluntness100 · 08/07/2021 17:43

[quote SpeciminA]@Bluntness100 I haven’t missed the point. The situation is unacceptable and I think the OP needs to be encouraged to get the support from a lazy man. I don’t think it should be ‘Oh he won’t help? Well you should suffer further then’. Why are we so willing to just accept this as women?[/quote]
Do,you not think she’s tried?

SpeciminA · 08/07/2021 17:46

@Bluntness100 I have no idea, I have read all her posts and she hasn’t discussed it at any great length. Just said a few times that he won’t. Neither I nor you know what has been discussed between them.

thisplaceisweird · 08/07/2021 17:49

Surely it's just - he sleeps more, you sleep less?

areoplanecakerake · 08/07/2021 17:58

I have the same with my DD, and her brother when he was younger. I might get 30 minutes before I need to go to sleep. Then she wakes in the night or her brother does. I get zero time to myself, but yes I can quickly write on here. It's not the same really. I think your mums just jealous of your studying, maybe it makes her feel insecure that you're bettering yourself.

Di11y · 08/07/2021 18:21

I think you need to nudge your bedtime earlier and DH look after the toddler from 9 so you're awake enough to study at 7. And go to the library for 90mins when your mum has him.

watingroom2 · 08/07/2021 18:34

OP -

Bedtime for a child is a bedtime - they do not have to be asleep but they have to stay in bed and at 3 they should understand that. I'd go for putting the child to bed at 7pm at that age.

Leave the house to study with your mum and with your partner - and hour and a half studying is better than interrupted studying - or study at night. Honestly - Many people would not get a grandparent offering free childcare - you re lucky to get this

Tell your partner you need 3 hours on a Saturday and Sunday to study and he must take the child out - on one of those days (you go out on the other) .. fresh air in the park - to the shops - on a bike - outside -in the sun

If these are not possible you are not really interested in 'solutions' just want sympathy.

Demortuisnilnisibonum · 08/07/2021 20:14

There are some really good suggestions here. Nobody thinks you’re awful, OP. Hope it works out for you. September will be easier, I’m sure, even if you can only start studying in earnest then. Good luck.

SarahAndQuack · 08/07/2021 21:23

@watingroom2

OP -

Bedtime for a child is a bedtime - they do not have to be asleep but they have to stay in bed and at 3 they should understand that. I'd go for putting the child to bed at 7pm at that age.

Leave the house to study with your mum and with your partner - and hour and a half studying is better than interrupted studying - or study at night. Honestly - Many people would not get a grandparent offering free childcare - you re lucky to get this

Tell your partner you need 3 hours on a Saturday and Sunday to study and he must take the child out - on one of those days (you go out on the other) .. fresh air in the park - to the shops - on a bike - outside -in the sun

If these are not possible you are not really interested in 'solutions' just want sympathy.

Grin Thus spoke someone who never had a child who struggled to sleep.

I'm sorry, but you are utterly bonkers.

MrsJBaptiste · 08/07/2021 21:43

Has nobody thought about this like me?

The OP says "I’ve asked my retired mum to babysit DS while I work on distance learning qualifications to hopefully get back into the workplace in a better job" She's asked her mum to help, the mum hasn't offered. To me, this is the crux of it - the mum/grandma hasn't offered and TBH sounds like she doesn't really want to do 2 hours of childcare every day.

You need to find another plan, OP.

Challengerice · 09/07/2021 07:06

@MrsJBaptiste

Has nobody thought about this like me?

The OP says "I’ve asked my retired mum to babysit DS while I work on distance learning qualifications to hopefully get back into the workplace in a better job" She's asked her mum to help, the mum hasn't offered. To me, this is the crux of it - the mum/grandma hasn't offered and TBH sounds like she doesn't really want to do 2 hours of childcare every day.

You need to find another plan, OP.

Irrelevant.

Whether you offer
OR
Whether you say “yes”

Both are affirmations.

So if you’re asked to do something, and you say “yes”, does you regard the arrangement as woolly and you can do as you wish?

I say yes I will do something, then yes - I will do it in the same manner as if I’ve offered. The mother doesn’t exactly sound backward in being forward (although I’m baffled as to why she hasn’t said to the OP - “feeling I’ve bought you an alarm clock, how about getting used to getting up at 7am and getting things done before x wakes up!”)