Am I awful?

[Sqirrelly]

When I had DS I had to quit work because the cost of childcare exceeded what I’d earn. Being stuck at home has made me very unhappy. I’m hoping to return to work in September when DS is entitled to free childcare. I’ve asked my retired mum to babysit DS while I work on distance learning qualifications to hopefully get back into the workplace in a better job. She’s downstairs in the lounge with him while I’m upstairs in the bedroom studying on my laptop. She drops in every weekday and watches him for maybe 2 hours, so over the course of a week I get about 10 hours to study.

But she’s letting him come upstairs to pester me all the time so I can’t study. When I bring him back downstairs repeatedly she’s saying stuff like how awful it is that I don’t want my own child and don’t have time for him. Mixed with comments about how she didn’t go back to work until I grew up and left home. It’s making me feel awful and preventing me studying.

I’ve said to her, do you realise that lots of women go back to work when they’re baby is six months old? And they work for 8 hours not just 2. She just shrugs her shoulders and pulls a face, and says well I think it’s awful to have a child and then just dump it on someone else.

If I could afford alternative childcare I’d arrange it, but I don’t have the money. Either my mum babysits or I can’t study at all. So I guess I have to put up with this. But it’s making me feel awful. I just really want to be able to study and have a future to look forward to, but I can’t get the time to myself.

I think you've really drawn the short straw here, both ass far as your mother and partner are concerned.
I was really shocked to read that he can't be bothered to take his own son out at the weekend - I get that not everyone likes parks, or kicking alls around with children, but he could just take him out for a walk, or to see the local trains, or just out anywhere!
Also, your mother's comments seem just nasty. Unless you are in your 40s, I can't imagine where she gets the stay at home ideas from - I am in my 60's, and all my friends worked when their children were young, couldn't afford not to! My own mum and grandmother worked when I was still pre-school, so this is not a generational thing.
Is she disabled? I know looking after a toddler can be tiring, but can she really not manage taking him to the park for an hour?
I agree with other posters are saying, you will have to go out to study, either when your mum comes, or when DP gets home from work. It's DH's job to look after his own child. Maybe he needs to understand that taking a child out can be easier than entertaining them inside.

Meanwhile, Can you step up the amount of exercise that DS gets? They need an awful lot at that age, like puppies. It might with help with the sleeping - sorry if you've already tried that ,but I know it used to help with mine - walks or some activity morning, afternoon and sometimes evening too.

@Sqirrelly

No I’m not willing to compromise my sleep. When DS was six weeks old I had a breakdown because I was hallucinating due to lack of sleep. It was terrifying. Lack of sleep makes you physically ill and there’s no way I can cope with boring 14 hour days with a toddler if I haven’t had enough sleep.

I’m not sure what I was expecting by posting this. Moral support perhaps. It’s clear that there isn’t a solution here other than just putting up with it.

Your mum might have a point. You don't sound like you are having a nice time with your little one. You've got 2 months till he's in nursery, can you try to have some fun days instead of 14 boring hours. He might sleep better as well.

@Sqirrelly

This is NOT a judgement on your parenting at all, but wha time do you go to bed/wake up? Currently 8am wakeup and 10pm bed. Sometimes it can even be a struggle to get DS to sleep at 10pm, last night he was up till nearly 11pm. Nursery will start at 8.45am so we probably need to bring wakeup forward by half an hour. But that won’t really free up any time. The issue is that he sleeps the same amount of hours as an adult so I don’t get any time away from him.

My immediate reply would be do when he’s in bed

Obv your above reply says why this isn’t possible

You need to start getting your dc to bed at an earlier time

Sleep breeds sleep

He’s prov overtired hence why doesn’t settle

You need time to self, let alone time to study

Maybe drop your son off at mums for 3hrs for 3 days then you have time to study on interruptions

Or mum at yours, you go to local coffee shop to study

Then have 2 days no study.and spend with son

14 boring hours a day with a toddler. My god.

You don’t need that amount of sleep. You don’t. End of. Wake up earlier and study then. Plenty of us do, plenty to with 6 hours or so a night. You make it work. You don’t need the 10 hours you are getting a night. I’m afraid I’m calling you lazy.

You can free up study time. You just don’t want to.

Mother to almost non-sleeping baby -then toddler here - it is tough! Some really do need fewer hours sleep than their parents.

(Second baby sleeps like a baby and always has... he wasn't even disturbed by his still wakeful sibling.)

-Solutions for me were

• to take turns with a friend in a similar situation. She wanted to use the gym. I would have two toddlers for a few hours on one day then no toddlers for a few hours on another. We found that our toddlers would interact and play - and even be more relaxed later in the day too.

• to work at encouraging self-soothing play in bed before sleep. I began by being present but boring. Then pottered about just outside the door. My daughter had cot toys/books and would chat away to herself when she woke in the night sometimes.

I love my children very much but really really needed some space for myself.

@Sqirrelly

Why don't you do the two hours of study when your child is in bed He gets up at the same time as me and goes to bed at the same time as me. I don’t get a single minute without him.

you said he's up 8am-10pm and it's the same hours as you? So you need 10hrs sleep a night?

I studied with 3 kids under 5, it's doable. Maybe use your mum twice a week and then get up at 6am to study on other days, or if you're a night owl do 10pm-midnight.

@Sqirrelly

No I’m not willing to compromise my sleep. When DS was six weeks old I had a breakdown because I was hallucinating due to lack of sleep. It was terrifying. Lack of sleep makes you physically ill and there’s no way I can cope with boring 14 hour days with a toddler if I haven’t had enough sleep.

I’m not sure what I was expecting by posting this. Moral support perhaps. It’s clear that there isn’t a solution here other than just putting up with it.

There's a big difference between the kind of sleep deprivation you'd experience with a 6 week old baby and cutting your sleep by 1 hour a night though. I don't know many people who have the luxury of spending more than 8 hours in bed. I'm self-employed and sometimes I just have to get up at 5 or 6am to get work done around the kids. I don't like it, but I have to prioritize. You might find you get your best work done at that time of the day - it takes a bit of getting used to though.

I went through this and it was amazing once DD did 2 hours free nursery so I could go to the library!

Tbh I think you are asking too much of her - 2 hours every day is a lot. My mother certainly wouldn’t entertain this and it’s nothing to do with her generation.

I’d spend the time mum is there going out and tiring him out instead, then wave her goodbye, he has an early night and then I’d get the books out.

OP, some of your comments indicate that you may be struggling more than just with childcare, please reach out to your GP or HV to talk.

OP your mother sounds very judgmental and outbid touch. You are getting a lot of sleep though. I get up at 6 to commute work and tend to go to bed at 10 ish. I would get up earlier and study then. I get lots of work done in my commute as I’m more efficient first thing. I would be very firm with my mother as well. I’m 54 and my mother was working so it’s not generational.

Op I think th issue is fundamentally you spend nearly half your day in bed. Most adults don’t sleep that much. Eight hours normally does it.

It reads like you only want to do this qualification if it means someone taking care of your son. Not on your own time, so to speak.

Have you considered you may have a touch of pnd? You sound deeply unhappy and not enjoying spending time with your child at all. 💐

OP I studied when my kids were little and it was hard work. The difference was that when my DH got home, he took over and I went to study. He was doing 12 hour days and then cooking our dinner and doing bed time.

Now I have doubled our household income my DH gets his reward. Can't your partner step up for his own benefit?

It is a generational thing. I am with your Mum here,as in, having a child, and then need someone else to take care of the child. There are sometimes posts on here, where a child/baby. is cared for by parents,or in laws, and the Mum complains about how they look after the child, as in, giving it the wrong food, or letting the child do things, considered to be wrong by the Mum. etc.

@accentdusoleil

You haven't addressed most of the solutions proposed here . Time to grow up

That's very harsh @accentdusoleil. She is clearly trying to do her best but with a partner who just won't step up and be a parent and a mother/grandmother who bitches about being left with her grandson and has digs at her daughter for wanting to better her life and that of her grandson.

You sleep for 10 hours every night?

Sleep deprivation at 6weeks is different to wanting 10hours when you have a toddler.
Your mum is judgemental, your partner doesn't parent, your toddler is boring.
You need to evaluate your priorities or wait 2 months to study. We all have to juggle.
If you can't cope now then how will you cope when you go to work and have to be out of the house (maybe by 8am)?

I really feel for you.
I know you can’t magic these things out of thin air, (and apologies if someone has already suggested) but is there anyone you could do a care swap with? You watch their child for a few hours and they reciprocate?

I’ve said if you don’t want to look after him then don’t? She says of course I’ll look after him! But then I get all the hassle.

Have you tried saying "If you're going to look after him, please do it properly so that I'm not interrupted and I can get on with studying." ?

Have you asked her to stop criticising you as you know her views but they are not yours?

It's clear that the free childcare is virtually useless to you, as things are, and your child will pick up on the unpleasant atmosphere so it needs to be sorted or abandoned.

DH is a separate problem, of course.

@Sqirrelly - what I would do is when you've finished your study for today, I'd pop your DS into a playpen if you have one so he is safe, give him a few toys/books to play with and have a chat with your mother. You need the chat to be about how she speaks to you.
When you had PND, she had no right to speak to you about your situation the way she did.
You need to get her on side and explain that by her helping you out, she is in fact helping her grandson out and helping to improve his life and his circumstances. Just because further education might not have been 'her' thing, doesn't mean that it can't be yours. These digs that she is making at your expense are not helpful. She has to get on board with this. She is spending time with her grandson. That's the way I'd spin it. So many grandparents don't get this amount of one-to-one time with their grandchildren. So many never meet their grandchildren and yet here she is bitching about whatever irks her today. Well that stops. Her grandson will start to pick up on it and when he does, she is perpetuating the misogyny of "A women's place is in the home" or "A woman's place is in the kitchen". You need to have that chat and it has to be sooner rather than later.

You said your husband gets depressed if he doesn't have free time. It doesn't have to be every day, but he's responsible for helping you. Your mum sounds like she doesn't want to do it and that's absolutely fine. She probably thinks your husband should step up. I get that it's tough, I'm a sahm with no family remotely near by and a husband that works 60 odd hours a week. I'd work on a bedtime routine that gets your boy to bed earlier then you'll have time to study every evening wether your husband is home or not. Good luck to you

It’s only 8 more weeks until September. I’d leave it until you have the nursery place.
8 weeks isn’t going to make any difference.

Once we are working you need to get rid of your useless partner. I have no idea why you are tolerating him, but get some financial independence and leave him.

Your mother is annoying in her attitude but she’s not the problem here. Your lack of support from your partner is, and from the way you write I’d guess you are still suffering depression too. Get help for yourself.

I certainly do need as much sleep as OP.
Some people just do need a lot of sleep and can't function otherwise!

All the suggestions here are good Op, give yourself a breathing space and decide to study in September, get a job in January like you said. Or swap childcare days with a friend. Get out and do stuff with your toddler to be more enjoyable for you and him.

You sound exhausted and so not able to enjoy being with your toddler - if you find it boring and a burden then maybe you are feeling down, ask your GP for help, your partner to do more, be nicer to yourself and do things you enjoy during the day.

I need a lot of sleep, used to hallucinate etc and I could only cope by getting DH to be in charge from 7pm to bedtime. I went to bed early and if DS woke early I could get up with him, or get stuff done if he didn't.

Your partner can do the evening childcare and see for himself how it is all "dossing about". he can fiddle with his phone while watching DS as he imagines you do.

I had my 2 boys whilst I was studying and it did feel pretty impossible at times but it could be manageable. Its difficult now because you are burnt out and have not a lot of actual support. Your mum is company but its not actually helping you study and her criticising is just getting you down. Things should get a lot easier when he starts nursery.

Could you take nursery as a reset to his sleeping? Try a new routine. It may seem like less sleep but realistically your current one is getting you down.

7am up and watch TV for 30 mins
8am breakfast then ready for nursery.
Nursery until lunchtime and you study
After nursery time at the park then a bit of chill out time (small world play)
4pm get tea ready
5pm tea
5.45 bath time and jammies on
6pm time to chill before bed, story books with DH is often what happens in our house while I tidy up the kitchen.
Somewhere between 7 and 8 kids in bed, doesn't really matter if they are ready to sleep then, they can have a picture book or soft teddies in bed.
Then you have a few hours to yourself and get to bed by 10 if you think DS will be up super early.

I’d love 10 hours sleep a night. I work from
Home with a 4 month old baby. Do all the night stuff. Get about 5 hours sleep. And for 5/6 days have to do all baby/home stuff myself as well as partners job is very demanding.

Yes it’s hard working with a baby who doesn’t really sleep and trying to fit everything else in but if you really want to make something work then you make it happen. As PP have said sleep 8 hours instead so you can study without him. Or let your kid play independently or get him to ‘help’ you by giving him tasks to do

Some replies are being so shitty about OP sleeping for ten hours. It's really not hard to understand that some people need more sleep than others. Great, you can survive on between 6 and 8 hours. I wish I could. I literally cannot function on any less than 10-12 hours a night and I am massively judged for it by everyone. Totally lazy, right? Seriously?! Can some people not understand that genuinely some people do need more sleep than others? I also wouldn't be compromising on the amount of sleep I need because I cannot function without it. The odd night of less is fine but in general I cannot compromise.